Not too sure if I am bipolar...

[ThankUJesus]

It's been a while since I have been on here. Maybe almost a year but a lot has happened in a year and I don't know where to begin at all.
I should love my life. I should be thankful for everything that God has given me the past few years, but for some reason I am not. I feel like my life is a constant roller coaster of emotions. One day I am EXTREMELY happy for no reason at all and the people I hang out with at school look at me like Im crazy but then the next day I get reallllly depressed. Like today. I just got finished crying for about 15 minutes straight. It sucks. There are some days or nights when I get so restless and anxious that I start pacing around my apartment, then i start hurting myself - hitting, scratching, pulling my hair... It comes so quick. My mind just sort of goes off and I think of everyhting horrible and this feeling in the pit of my soul makes me feel like trash. But then I know later today or tomorrow I will be perfectly fine...maybe OVERLY fine and I will be that crazy, laughing, weird person. Such a shift in my mood and nobody knows because I hide my depressed side.
I am seeing my therapist today in an hour and I want to tell her everything but I am always afraid she will think im crazy...even though it is her job to deal with people like me...
Im just so scared because I dont want it to ruin my future because I want to marry some day and have kids and a good career and happy life with a wonderful family...but if I am like this and never get out of this type of mood change than I fear that I will never be able to be with someone who loves me. That is one of my worst fears...being alone. I love people, but i know that sometimes people may not be able to handle me. Its why I think so many of my "friends" dont want to hang out with me anymore or have left me. And that makes me scared to be in a friendship. But i want friends...its confusing. Same with me wanting male friends. I am a guy but I hate guys. They suck. They are mean and judgemental and none of them ever like me at all. No matter how odd they seem...i seem to be a little too odd for them. It makes me anxious when I am eating at my college cafeteria every night...my leg shakes uncontrolably, i constantly look at each person walking in, i have to sit in a certain spot all the time so that I can see everyone because I i dont see people than i have this idea that i wont see what is going on and someone will come up to me and do something. I know the people i sit with think its odd because they have commented on it...but i HAVE to sit there...otherwise i get angry or upset.
Am I weird? Please be honest because i feel like it bothers people. I want to change. I need help but I know that I wont get any help at my school...even though i got to a Christian college. :'(

 

[TheMainException]

Hey, how did it go today with your appointment?
Just take it one day at a time, let's not get too overwhelmed with the future of things.

I came on here yesterday again for the first time in a long time too. I know I need to get some help. I'm working on finding someone to talk to. I'm not entirely sure if I have bipolar either, but if sure sounds like you do. It could be anxiety too as anxiety and depression go hand in hand sometimes. I've felt the way you do and the more I read, the more I believe I have bipolar. You sound similar to me.

I know what it's like to seem weird around friends and then they back away from you. I'm not sure how many people I've alienated because of my crazy behaviors. They don't see my depression cuz I hide that too.

Keep us updated on how you're doing. Don't forget to come back even when you're flying high.

 

[madison1101]

I hope you will follow your psychiatrist's advice, and trust him/her with the right diagnosis and meds. My psychiatrist was the one who told me I am bipolar. My psychologist only diagnosed me as borderline personality. But, when I told him what my psychiatrist said, and he asked me some pointed questions, he did not disagree with him.

God bless.

Trish

 

[ThankUJesus]

Thank you both. I talked to my therapist and she told me that it could be a number of things but she most likely believes I have SOME type of mood disorder, more specifically she said bipolar is the most likely disorder. She told me to get to a psychiatrist as they are more able to help me. The last few days were actually good. Not too depressing and not too crazy/weird. Just very consistant with an average mood. But today I woke up and things were bad...those bad thoughts started coming back and I had to call my best friend so he could help me calm down. Its just some things from my past came up without my controll and I am realizing how one STUPID mistake I make can really haunt me...even if it is over a year later. And then that started making me feel bad... :'(

 

[earagun]

It's been a while since I have been on here. Maybe almost a year but a lot has happened in a year and I don't know where to begin at all.
I should love my life. I should be thankful for everything that God has given me the past few years, but for some reason I am not. I feel like my life is a constant roller coaster of emotions. One day I am EXTREMELY happy for no reason at all and the people I hang out with at school look at me like Im crazy but then the next day I get reallllly depressed. Like today. I just got finished crying for about 15 minutes straight. It sucks. There are some days or nights when I get so restless and anxious that I start pacing around my apartment, then i start hurting myself - hitting, scratching, pulling my hair... It comes so quick. My mind just sort of goes off and I think of everyhting horrible and this feeling in the pit of my soul makes me feel like trash. But then I know later today or tomorrow I will be perfectly fine...maybe OVERLY fine and I will be that crazy, laughing, weird person. Such a shift in my mood and nobody knows because I hide my depressed side.
I am seeing my therapist today in an hour and I want to tell her everything but I am always afraid she will think im crazy...even though it is her job to deal with people like me...
Im just so scared because I dont want it to ruin my future because I want to marry some day and have kids and a good career and happy life with a wonderful family...but if I am like this and never get out of this type of mood change than I fear that I will never be able to be with someone who loves me. That is one of my worst fears...being alone. I love people, but i know that sometimes people may not be able to handle me. Its why I think so many of my "friends" dont want to hang out with me anymore or have left me. And that makes me scared to be in a friendship. But i want friends...its confusing. Same with me wanting male friends. I am a guy but I hate guys. They suck. They are mean and judgemental and none of them ever like me at all. No matter how odd they seem...i seem to be a little too odd for them. It makes me anxious when I am eating at my college cafeteria every night...my leg shakes uncontrolably, i constantly look at each person walking in, i have to sit in a certain spot all the time so that I can see everyone because I i dont see people than i have this idea that i wont see what is going on and someone will come up to me and do something. I know the people i sit with think its odd because they have commented on it...but i HAVE to sit there...otherwise i get angry or upset.
Am I weird? Please be honest because i feel like it bothers people. I want to change. I need help but I know that I wont get any help at my school...even though i got to a Christian college. :'(

your being manipulated....start doing the opposite of what your normally used to, sit in the cafeteria in the most unlikely spot you would choose, if you start giving in to these thoughts they will rule your mind and over power your own will fight back and rebuke these destructive manipulations, they appear very innocent right now, they will grow unless you take back control of your life, and emotions

 

[ThankUJesus]

That is very good advice thank you. It will be difficult but I guess with the help of my friends it can be easier. Thank you.