Not sure where to post or get help...so here goes...

[MauiMamma]

Well, I am a member here at CF and am so beside myself with this situation I don't even know where to start. I have searched all over the internet for help and haven't really found anything that seems like really substantial help in this crisis. I am so over whelmed that I almost can't focus to read the information I need to start to get the help that I need.
So- this is my desperate attempt to start getting help for this problem that my husband has- I guess.
So- I met my husband thru a mutual acquaintance. Did not know him very long before we got sexually active, got pregnant 3 months into the relationship, got married 6 months in. I say all of this because it explains that I didn't know my husband well at all before we were in a married with child relationship.
Well, it turns out he was addicted to marijauna for 10 years... was drug tested postive and threatened he would loose his job so he quit. That was before we met. Turns out he would occassionally still smoke after that event.
The next addiction is computer gaming. A huge problem that absorbed most of our life for the first 2 years of our marriage. The problem is not quite as bad as it used to be but still not resolved.
NOW- I make a unannounced visit to our house (because his cell phone was off and I needed to tell him something) and I open the door to him sitting at the computer with the ULTRA hard core inappropriate content (that I already know he "used" to look at- but apparently not) and our 2 1/2 yo son in the same room with him.

I am livid. My mind is blown. I am beside myself. I am overwhelmed. I do not know that I can do this any more.

I don't know where to go. Who to talk to. We can't seem to find good counceling help or pastoral help. I believe God can help. I just don't know if I have the the strength to continue, to hang in there, to overcome this.

My husband said he felt terrible and embarassed. But has since gotten an attitude and isn't taking what I consider the necessary steps to remedy his ways.
And ultimately, I think all of this is just the tip of the ice berg. I think there is SO much more festering in my husbands "secret life" that I have not discovered yet.
I don't think I have the energy to go through this and also, I am so do NOT want to subject my son to this.

Any advice or help would be appreciated.

** To clarify, I have made similar posts regarding similar situations and have been criticised by other posters for various reasons.
Just to let you know, I WILL NOT TOLERATE THAT this time. I am here for help not insults.
God bless you and thank you for any loving input.

 

[SearcherKris]

Dear, Sister, I am so sorry.

I completely understand what you are going through!

My husband is addicted to online role playing games. It almost completely takes over his life. It is truely like living in a widow-hood type of marriage.

My husband has also been involved in online inappropriate content. He had inappropriate content file on his desktop!

Currently he has cartoon inappropriate content image on his computer screen as his wall paper. Our sons visit him with that right there on the computer in front of them.

We are separated and getting a divorce, as soon as I get enough money paid to my lawyer.

You will not get any harshness or judgement from me. I feel what you're feeling.

To get a feel for what you want to see happen and how you are handling this, what are you doing about it? What have you said to him or requested of him?

The child being exposed to inappropriate content is sexual abuse, but I don't know if it is severe enough for legal action. Can you find out what the laws are for area?

Have you tried the Matt. 18 approach of confronting your husband.

You say that you can't get good pastoral help. Does that mean that your pastor is unresponsive or unknoweledable about these types of things? What is the counseling like?

Is there a way you can leave your husband, or get him to leave.m Can you give him an ultimatum of sorts? Are you wanting reconciliation or divorce?

I believe that inappropriate content use is a form of infidelity. The exposure of it to your son is absolutely unacceptable and I understand why you are taking it so hard.

Sorry for all the questions, I'm just trying to get a better feel for what you have tried and what your goals are.

 

[MauiMamma]

Dear, Sister, I am so sorry.

I completely understand what you are going through!

My husband is addicted to online role playing games. It almost completely takes over his life. It is truly like living in a widow-hood type of marriage.

My husband has also been involved in online inappropriate content. He had inappropriate content file on his desktop!

Currently he has cartoon inappropriate content image on his computer screen as his wall paper. Our sons visit him with that right there on the computer in front of them.

We are separated and getting a divorce, as soon as I get enough money paid to my lawyer.

You will not get any harshness or judgment from me. I feel what you're feeling.

To get a feel for what you want to see happen and how you are handling this, what are you doing about it? What have you said to him or requested of him?

The child being exposed to inappropriate content is sexual abuse, but I don't know if it is severe enough for legal action. Can you find out what the laws are for area?

Have you tried the Matt. 18 approach of confronting your husband.

You say that you can't get good pastoral help. Does that mean that your pastor is unresponsive or unknowledgeable about these types of things? What is the counseling like?

Is there a way you can leave your husband, or get him to leave.m Can you give him an ultimatum of sorts? Are you wanting reconciliation or divorce?

I believe that inappropriate content use is a form of infidelity. The exposure of it to your son is absolutely unacceptable and I understand why you are taking it so hard.

Sorry for all the questions, I'm just trying to get a better feel for what you have tried and what your goals are.

Dear Kris,
Thank you so much for your kind reply.

I am so sorry to hear about your situation as well.

Please don't feel the need to apologize for the questions. I am looking for any way to get help for my situation and if answering questions is the way to do that I'm ok with that. I have nothing to hide.

I really appreciate that you care and are willing to help.

So I guess I'll update you since I posted.

After I posted here I proceeded to try to find a female Christian Psychologist that I could talk to. It was a long hard search. I had to make bunches of calls all the while ignoring my son who was begging for some time with me. In the process I got more and more irritated that my husband had not made these calls, as that was part of our agreement when we talked after I caught him looking at the inappropriate content. I was SO upset that he had tons of free time this last week to make these calls and just neglected them.
So, I think that was my final breaking point.
He called me on his way home from work today to tell me about a birthday party we were invited too and I was furious and told him I thought we had more important things to contend with.
He arrived home and had this attitude and "cold shoulder"-ness about him and the emotional dam broke for me. I told him I thought he was in no position to have an attitude with me. Well, long story short he ended up with a restraining order against him tonight.
I finally was able to reach a good psychologist and made an appointment for Friday. I spoke to my mother-in-law (who I had contacted earlier in the day and informed her of everything that was going on) and she said my husband would like to talk to me tonight if I want.
So we talked. One of the main problems with him, after such an incident, is that he has little or no remorse. The other big problem is that he takes little or no responsibility for the problems we have. He is an expert at turning the tables or manipulating things to make it my fault.
He first comment when I called him was that he was willing to do anything that was in the best interest of our son. I said that that sounded like a canned response, one he thought he should say. Then the conversation developed into the fact that he is being way to arrogant for the violations he's committed. That I have been patient and understanding and he is in no position to be arrogant. That humility is a byproduct of being sorry and that if I hit a breaking point and have an occasional outburst because I'm SO upset about what happened that he needs to return the patients and understanding that I am extending to him.
He seemed to agree. But the general rule is that he agrees to things just to "be done with it" and doesn't follow through.
Soooooooooooooooo that's where were at. I feel like I'm entering another phase of numbness, frustration, fear of being hurt again by him, and just general emotional unrest. I hate this emotional roller coaster.

So- to get to your questions....

1) handling it...doing about it? praying, seeking help, trying to be understanding and supportive AS LONG AS HE'S WILLING TO WORK ON HIS PROBLEMS, riding an emotional roller coaster, doing as much research as I can, trying to protect myself and my son

2)said to him? told him I'm willing to work it out and stand by him as long as he is willing to do the work necessary... that he needs to take the initiative to find a counselor, find a information on computer filters and get a part time evening job so he doesn't have so much free time on his hands

3)re child sexual abuse: I was not aware of that. I will talk to my counselor about that. I do not know the laws here but will check it out. So far it doesn't seem like there are strong laws regarding this... maybe it's because I live in Hawaii and things tend to be very "lax" here

4)re Matt 18: this is situation is all new and I hadn't thought about Matt 18. That is a profound verse. I will keep it in mind. One problem in dealing with my husband is that I think if I were to mention this verse he would accuse me of threatening him (and how dare I do such a thing). But it is a very good verse to have at the forefront of my mind and remind him of if the situation arises. I don't think my problem so much is convincing him that what he did was wrong but more so that he needs to genuinely make changes in his life now and that he needs to be responsible about doing that.

5)re pastoral help: we go to a small church that is very loving and doing their best, but they truly are short staffed and have limited resources. The pastors have good intentions but I'm just not sure they are equipped or educated enough in the fields of counseling and addictions to help us enough. But praise God that today I found a Christian Psychologist (actually 2!) in my town. This gives me great hope.

6)re leaving, him leaving, divorce reconciliation:
It would be really difficult (logistically speaking) to leave. Finding a new place, paying for it, etc. I have no family or close friends here. I would move if I HAD to.
If he continues to be the way he has been I will seek to have him move out. I prefer to reconcile with him. For everyones sake. BUT that is contingent on his efforts in getting help and getting better. If I have to I will divorce him.

I agree that inappropriate content is infidelity also. I also believe that inappropriate content and every other addiction eventually owns the addict. That it over powers them and that it takes drastic help to be free from them. So, because of that I feel I can offer my husband an iota of understanding and support, again, IF he is willing to take the steps necessary to get help and actually show signs of improvement. Time will tell, I guess. I see this as a small window of opportunity to make things right. For the sake of our marriage and child. In the mean while, I have hired a baby sitter that will be with my son when I am not. My husband will not have a moment of alone time with our son until this is resolved. He is first and foremost my responsibility and concern.

Thank you again for YOUR concern and reply. I truly appreciate it. Again, I am SO sorry for your situation. It is a terrible thing I would wish on nobody. Be strong. I think you are doing the right thing. You will be better for it. Your husband looses ultimately, in this situation. I will be praying for you for strength, and guidance, and help from God. I will pray for God to totally make your husband a new man in Him, and if not, for you to be free and provided all the help you need. I am completely with you that this is not ok behavior. The slight difference with me might be that my husband SAYS he's willing to change. I am willing to give him the chance. If he doesn't I will then take the steps you have taken.
Be strong. You can do all things in Christ which strengthens you. Phil 4:13

God bless you dear sister. PM me anytime.

 

[SearcherKris]

It sounds like you certainly have a good head on your shoulders.

I think it may be wise if you set a time limit on your husband. Tell him if he does not do certain things within a certain amount of time, then you are going to take it that he is not sincere in getting help. He is unrepentant.

Saying you are sorry and that you want to change means nothing if no actions are put to those words. Repentance means turning away from sin and doing the opposite, the right thing.

My husband used to say the right things and make promises. He did not follow through. After a while he became more sophisticated and manipulative. He learned how to look like he was changing and to look like he was a good guy. He is a master at pretending to be a good man. He's not. Even when "trying" to do the right thing, he did not apologize or admit to doing wrong. Now that I have thrown in the towel, he denies that he has ever done wrong, and what he does admit to he won't call it sin. Currently, he sins openly and unrepentantly. He does not try to look good anymore. He lives unashamedly and arrogantly. Other sins are now evident in his life as well as the ones I knew about before.

I don't say this for an "oh, poor me," effect. I'm just trying to tell you that sometimes talk does not really mean anything. Without clear evidence of true change over an extended period of time, I would not trust him. Talk is cheap. Repentance is hard. Consequences hurt.

If your husband thinks that he might be able to have his cake and eat it, too, he may become better at his manipulation and deceit. I'm not saying he won't change, or that God is incapable of working in His life. I just don't want you to think that this is going to be easy or that the truth of his heart's condition is going to always be easily known. He has to be willing to allow God to change him. Often times change does not feel good.

Even if your church is incapable of helping in a counseling type manner, please tell at least those in leadership about what is going on. Their prayers and emotional support could prove to be invaluable to you during this time. They might surprise you and be able to offer more help than you realize.

Take heart, and stand firm.

 

[dayknee]

I am so sorry you are going through this. I have dealt with this for 10 years. My husband and I seperated one year ago over inappropriate content. He was also roleplaying sexual situations of a game that he plays and STILL continues to play while out of the house. He has apologized numerous times and made promises to stop doing these things. The final straw was when he made the final promise after he found out I had formed a emotional relationship with another. I was wrong..but I was so lonley. <tears> After all of these things happened, 6 months later I found out he was looking at inappropriate content again and talking to another women over his game. He said he was only roleplaying and that it wasnt a big deal. The only remorse he has shown was just simply saying he was sorry and he knows he hurt me. But since he's been out of the house he has continued to be controlling and very sublty emotionaly abusive.
I know how hard this is for you. Believe me I know. I am in the midst of it and I wish for it to end. I have been in counseling for the last year with a wonderful Christian (women) counselor. She has helped me so much. I will be praying for you to be able to find someone.
Him and I have two beautiful and amazing children and it tears my heart out that they are without their dad. Especially my 11 year old son. My whole family wishes for reconcilliation but I do not. I have put up with neglect for years becuase he was more involved in inappropriate content than me. He would not be intimate with me but would always tell me he loves me. Then after one humiliating night ( before I found out he was looking again and roleplaying with others) he proceeded to want to become intimate with me. He started the act of foreplay and he FELL ASLEEP in the WORST possible place. FELL ASLEEP!!!..<so humiliated> this made me just cry and cry and cry wondering what is wrong with me. <tears> I went outside (it was about midnight) walked around my pool for what seemed hours, crying and telling God that my marriage was over and that I could no longer live like this. Being second. it was the worst night of my life. I still have pain from it.
We are not divorced as I still have fears about it and what it will do to our children. <tears>
I pray every single day that God would some way, release me from this.
I know how you are feeling and I am so sorry another person has to go through this. It is an awful thing to feel this way. I know..I have felt this way off and on for the last 10 years.

God Bless you and love you and keep you. I am truely sorry for your pain

 

[hope4today]

MauiMamma, I am so sorry for your pain. As SearcherKris said you sound like you are doing an amazing job of handling this and making some very wise choices.

I agree with everything SearcherKris has said and cannot add much to it at all.

These things I think are particularly important

I think it may be wise if you set a time limit on your husband. Tell him if he does not do certain things within a certain amount of time, then you are going to take it that he is not sincere in getting help. He is unrepentant.

and

Even if your church is incapable of helping in a counseling type manner, please tell at least those in leadership about what is going on. Their prayers and emotional support could prove to be invaluable to you during this time. They might surprise you and be able to offer more help than you realize.

It is sooo good that you have found a Christian psychologist. It is so important to get wise counsel right now.

Father, I pray for MM and ask you to continue to give her wisdom to make wise and strong choices. Thank you for the way she is protecting her son, and remind her how beautiful and precious she is. Protect and hold her heart. Give her comfort and peace in the midst of the pain and struggle. Jesus, be her strength, her trust and give her all she need in her spirit, mind and body. Give wisdom to those around her and cause your people rise up and support her practically and spiritually.

Father, no matter how far her husband falls, let your Spirit go with him, to bring him to true repentance. Father, I ask that you will bring faithful people around MM, who will support her and her decision to take strong action. Let her recieve care from those who will not judge or criticise her under a false legalism, but from those who will help to receive the freedom in Christ she needs.

I pray for the other woman in your body who are also facing stiuations like these. For Dayknee as she works through the end of her marriage and also for SearcherKris as she reaches out to help others with wisdom and experience. Thank you that she had the strength in you to say No to her situation and to be free in you.

I ask in Jesus name

AMEN!!


PM anytime if you want to chat, cry, pray or be supported in anyway.

Hope

 

[MauiMamma]

Dear SearcherKris~
My reply is in red...

It sounds like you certainly have a good head on your shoulders.
Thank you so much, God's gift.

I think it may be wise if you set a time limit on your husband. Tell him if he does not do certain things within a certain amount of time, then you are going to take it that he is not sincere in getting help. He is unrepentant.
Yes, I agree. It turns out that he is doing what is required of him as of now. The other requirements will be based on his progress while in counceling so we will deal with that as each situation arrises. I do appreciate your suggestion of time constraints though, because this is usually a MAJOR issue with him... he will let problems go on and on and on....

Saying you are sorry and that you want to change means nothing if no actions are put to those words. Repentance means turning away from sin and doing the opposite, the right thing.
Absolutely. I think one of the greatest sayings is:
"Actions speak louder than words."
So farrrrrrrr his actions speak of repentance. Time will tell. I will only accept permanent change.

My husband used to say the right things and make promises. Sounds like mine, also. He did not follow through. After a while he became more sophisticated and manipulative. Mine has done that too, but I am on to him and he knows it. He learned how to look like he was changing and to look like he was a good guy. He is a master at pretending to be a good man. He's not. Even when "trying" to do the right thing, he did not apologize or admit to doing wrong. Now that I have thrown in the towel, he denies that he has ever done wrong well, if he continues to stay in denial and does not take responsibility for his actions then he obviously is stuck in his ways and is making a decision to do as he wishes and loose his family, and what he does admit to he won't call it sin. Makes me question his heart and relationship with God. Currently, he sins openly and unrepentantly. He does not try to look good anymore. He lives unashamedly and arrogantly. Other sins are now evident in his life as well as the ones I knew about before.
I am so sorry. That must be so difficult. The conclusion I come to with people like that is that they make their choices. If he has had a fair chance at making ammends and he hasn't then he clearly is saying with his actions that he wants to do as he wishes and disregards the rest. If that is the case, you are SO MUCH better off without him. I know that must be hard. Especially with children, but I do believe God has a better life for you. He obviously is rejecting God, which sets you free to move on and live a better that God has for you.

I don't say this for an "oh, poor me," effect. I wouldn't have thought that, you don't sound like you have a victim mentality. I'm just trying to tell you that sometimes talk does not really mean anything. Without clear evidence of true change over an extended period of time, I would not trust him. Talk is cheap. Repentance is hard. Consequences hurt. True, true, true.

If your husband thinks that he might be able to have his cake and eat it, too, he may become better at his manipulation and deceit. I'm as sharp as I can be about this and trust God that He will reveal the truth to me. I'm not saying he won't change, or that God is incapable of working in His life. I just don't want you to think that this is going to be easy or that the truth of his heart's condition is going to always be easily known. He has to be willing to allow God to change him. Often times change does not feel good. So true. I am not jumping to conclusions that all is well. I am cautious. I know this isn't going to be easy. So far he is willing to change. Again time will tell.

Even if your church is incapable of helping in a counseling type manner, please tell at least those in leadership about what is going on. Their prayers and emotional support could prove to be invaluable to you during this time. They might surprise you and be able to offer more help than you realize. Thank you, excellent suggestion.

Take heart, and stand firm.
Thank you so much for your support and advice. I am so sorry that you have had to go through such aweful struggles to gain this wisdom and insight. I truly believe if your husband doesn't come to the Lord and turn his life around that God has a much better life for you and your children. God bless you for having the strength to defend yourself and your children. I pray for more of God's goodness to be poured out on your life.
Thank you again....

 

[MauiMamma]

MauiMamma, I am so sorry for your pain. As SearcherKris said you sound like you are doing an amazing job of handling this and making some very wise choices.

I agree with everything SearcherKris has said and cannot add much to it at all.

These things I think are particularly important



and



It is sooo good that you have found a Christian psychologist. It is so important to get wise counsel right now.

Father, I pray for MM and ask you to continue to give her wisdom to make wise and strong choices. Thank you for the way she is protecting her son, and remind her how beautiful and precious she is. Protect and hold her heart. Give her comfort and peace in the midst of the pain and struggle. Jesus, be her strength, her trust and give her all she need in her spirit, mind and body. Give wisdom to those around her and cause your people rise up and support her practically and spiritually.

Father, no matter how far her husband falls, let your Spirit go with him, to bring him to true repentance. Father, I ask that you will bring faithful people around MM, who will support her and her decision to take strong action. Let her recieve care from those who will not judge or criticise her under a false legalism, but from those who will help to receive the freedom in Christ she needs.

I pray for the other woman in your body who are also facing stiuations like these. For Dayknee as she works through the end of her marriage and also for SearcherKris as she reaches out to help others with wisdom and experience. Thank you that she had the strength in you to say No to her situation and to be free in you.

I ask in Jesus name

AMEN!!


PM anytime if you want to chat, cry, pray or be supported in anyway.

Hope

Dear Hope,

Thank you for your kind words, also.

I aggree that SearcherKris has offered some very helpful wisdom. I am very thankful. I am also so very thankful that I was able to find councelors. Truly a miracle for me.
Thank you a million times over for your prayers. This means so incredibly much to me. The greatest help I could ask for I think. God bless you in return for your kindness. Thank you for the offer to PM you. You and SearcherKris' kindness have been like a healing balm to my heart. Again, thank you.

 

[hope4today]

Dear Hope,

Thank you for your kind words, also.

I aggree that SearcherKris has offered some very helpful wisdom. I am very thankful. I am also so very thankful that I was able to find councelors. Truly a miracle for me.
Thank you a million times over for your prayers. This means so incredibly much to me. The greatest help I could ask for I think. God bless you in return for your kindness. Thank you for the offer to PM you. You and SearcherKris' kindness have been like a healing balm to my heart. Again, thank you.

You are very welcome. We are family and my heart longs to reach out to woman who are hurting due to our broken world.
Your wisdom is clear and I know you will come through this stronger in Christ and even better than you could ever dream - whatever the choices of your husband. God is faithful and he looks after the widows and orphans, of which I believe women in our situations are the 21C version.

You are also welcome to use the Yahoo or msn links in my profile. Due to the fact that I am 'Down Under' I am often online at times when all the people on your side of the world are sleeping. I know when I was in the middle of a crisis, the night times were often the worst and the times I felt most alone.

There are many people here who will love and support you.

Bless you abundantly

Hope

 

[ido]

Maui - I don't have much to add to the already wonderful advice that has been shared, but I do want you to know that I am praying for you.

I left my ex b/c he was abusive and it finally reached a point where I did NOT want my sons growing up being exposed to such manipulative/violent behavior. I, too, offer my support to you, if you need it - via PM or here in this thread.

Know that I am praying for you. One thing that helped me tremendously in my situation was praying to God that if a decision I was making was the right one for Him to open the door - if it was not the right decision, I asked that He place a stumbling block in my way so that I would not be able to make that decision.

and

 

[TexasSky]

It sounds like your husband has an addictive personality. Generally speaking, that means he is much more likely to become addicted to almost anything that other people are.

A good psychologist can often help with that, but your husband has to admit he needs help, and he has to want help. That's the most difficult thing in these situations.

Make it very clear to him that inappropriate contentography around your 2 year old is a marriage-ending-situation.

Make it clear to him that marijuana in the house, car, or anywhere near you and your son will result in you turning him in. (Why should you go to jail for possession when it is his law breaking?)

 

[ALed93]

I just wanted to let you know that I'm praying for you!

 

[JohnDB]

I wish I had more to offer than this...a little biblical wisdom for those in these situations...

I am about sure that someone has quoted that Malachi passage to you about how God Hates divorce...and He truly does...because it hurts us...

The larger context of the Malachi passage is different though than many use it in...what that passage and others speak of is that God hates abuse more than divorce...Jesus spoke of not casting pearls before swine or bread before dogs...you are never to intentionally keep yourself in an abusive situation.

I know that many say that there is not a good reason for divorce except infidelity...that isn't exactly true. They are missing what Jesus was talking about...Jesus said that while he hates divorce and that it should be avoided at all costs, apostacy and behaviors that would give some of these spouses an identity outside of one a believer should have is sufficient grounds for a divorce.

There is also a thing with "put away" wives in these passages as well which is another form of abuse...

God hates abuse of his children more than anything...We must remember that we are Children of the Most High God...co-heirs to the throne of Jesus...

We are not made to take and recieve abuse on any level...we may suffer for the gospel...but that is way different than abuse.

Forgiveness is good...forgiving others does them no good..it is for our benefit....unforgiveness destroys it's container every time.

That does not mean that we are not to protect the innocent...so protect the children from abuse and children seeing that abuse is tolerated by a parent is especially devastating to them.

 

[SearcherKris]

Wise words, John. Thank you for sharing. Many of us need to hear that.

 

[hope4today]

MM, I'm just wondering how you are doing. Still thinking of you

 

[RavenRift]

Please remember to post on-topic. This thread is not for debate but support.

Thank you - the thread has been re-opened for posting.
​

 

[JohnDB]

That was quick and cool...OK
So...like...we can go back to giving hugs again?

 

[warriorintraining]

Maui
First I would like to say that I am sorry that you are going through such a storm.

Continue to pray to God. I am currently seperated from my husband, but not for the same reasons.

I have returned to God and is now seeking a closer relationship with him. Make sure that in the midst of your storm you praise and worship God. Trust in him.

Turn away from all thy wicked ways. Let God wash you white as snow. Put aside your will and Let his will be done. Draw near to him and let your ear be sensitive to his voice.
Proverbs 3:5-6 says "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not on thine own understanding.
6. In all thy ways acknowledge him and he shall direct thy paths. "

 

[warriorintraining]

Note that...if we live in the flesh ..we are vunerable..we open our spiritual doors to all sin.