Not sure what to think

[SoFarAway]

Hi there.
Im new to the site.
Just had some questions about my abuse...
Since I was young, maybe around 6 or 7 my older brother and I had sexual stuff going on between us.
Hes two years older than I. He turned everything into a game. Stealing my parents porn and we copied what was in the video. Or rather he told me to. All of this continued up until about 8th grade, and he still tried to attack me and get me to do sexual things with him til almost 10th grade.
But I feel like he ruined me. He has always been streetsmart, and I've been booksmart. So I feel like he knew what was going on the whole time.
I am wondering if what went on was really molestation or rape etc. Most of the time I did things with him because I thought it was what I was supposed to do. I would lay underneath him and be zoned out or in a different world and afterward would feel used and dirty. But Im so confused about it all. He pleasured me with oral, and I liked the feelings. But I always felt like something was wrong.
I feel conflicting. Im 18 now, and I still feel like my body is ruined. and that my views on everything with sex are distorted.
I can't say that I was willing to do these things with him, but I also can't say that he forced me to do them every time.
I don't get any of my feelings.
=[

 

[Moriah_Conquering_Wind]

Hi SoFarAway.

One of the most difficult and most maddening aspects of coming to grips with sexual abuse and/or molestation occurs right at the point of where the victim enjoyed it.

It bes like a conundrum. The mind chases itself like a dog chasing its tail with all sorts of confused questions. How can we call it abuse and wrong if we enjoyed it? How could we have enjoyed it when it left us feeling so dirty, used and twisted inside? If we felt pleasure at all doesn't that mean a part of us wanted it? Etc. This kind of internal conflict with oneself, the confusion of it, the degradation of it, bes what makes molestation particularly horrible and cruel for someone to do to someone else. In some ways even more cruel than just, say, beating them up or something, because at least when you get beat up, your feelings remain clear and in tune with reality: it hurts, you don't like it, and clearly you got abused or victimized. But molestation makes everything muddy and murky and mixed up inside. Feelings like pleasure and being wanted or feeling special or important become associated with feeling dirty and used and degraded -- not exactly healthy, eh?

And these questions can haunt sexual abuse survivors even if they did not experience sexual pleasure during the molestation. A little girl might feel just as much guilt and confusion over having wanted her perpetrator to "like" her, or having had a little-girl crush on him, even if physically she found the whole molesting part "icky" feeling. The same questions can haunt all survivors of this kind of abuse for a variety of reasons.

A few things to help you sort it out inside:

First, your body has been made to experience physical pleasure when stimulated a certain way, and it's not your fault it responds to that "automatically". You simply cannot help that. So don't beat yourself up over the fact that you enjoyed some aspects of the experience, and don't let that confuse you -- you still got taken advantage of, you still got molested, and it would still be WRONG for someone to do that to you.

Second, your emotions have been created to respond to human affection and to enjoy bonding with other human beings, especially family. Again, you cannot help it that, as a little girl, you wanted to feel close to your brother, wanted him to include you in his world, wanted his approval, wanted to connect. It sounds like he took advantage of those natural and very healthy desires to do some unhealthy and confusing things with you for his own pleasure. He used you, and that bes wrong of him to do.

These two configurations -- a body created to experience sexual pleasure and a mind and heart created for fellowship and association and bonding with other people -- create the confusion here you have experienced and account for all those fuzzy factors and fuzzy places where you can't sort out whether you got forced into this or whether you consented. It doesn't really matter hon. He took advantage of you. Sexual pleasure can be very addictive and so can a little girl's craving for a big brother's approval and affection, and those two things, sadly, worked against you to make you compliant with his intentions. So you may not have been forced, per se, but you got manipulated physically, socially and emotionally into going along with something that, whatever you felt about it, ultimately was not good for you and that would be why you experience such turmoil and confusion about it still today.

Your body has not been ruined. Your perceptions of sex may indeed be quite distorted from having had this experience pushed on you in your life, and that would be something a good counselor might help you sort out, if you can find one that you personally feel you can trust and open up to about these things in all their painful and embarrassing aspects. A good therapist or counselor would be able to help you get a grip on where all these distortions exist in your thinking and perceptions and help you reroute yourself into healthier perceptions about your sexuality.

This stuff happens way, way more than most people think. It's far more common than most people believe. You would not be alone in this. Many others have suffered some form of it too. Moriah got molested for about three years (age 6 through 9) by older boys in its neighborhood (ages 11-15) so it can definitely relate to your experience and the confusion this causes.

Hope something it writes here you find helpful.

 

[SoFarAway]

I really appreciate you taking the time to write that.
I feel a little bit more clear about all of it.
I've felt so conflicting. Just like you said, how can it still be molestation if I felt pleasured. That's been tough on me. I haven't quite understood it, but I feel like I do now.
Idk where to go from here.
I've never talked about it. I've not really had anyone to talk with about it.
I'm scared to physically say it.
But I appreciate the kind words you have given to me

 

[Moriah_Conquering_Wind]

Maybe a support group with others who have been through something similar, or maybe a personal counselor who can help you explore the stuff that experience stuck in your head would be a good place to start. That bes why it made sure to tell you these experiences have become more common than you think -- you would not be alone in having suffered this sort of thing and there bes less of a stigma now about having been a victim. Most people would applaud you and admire you for your courage in surviving this and getting yourself help to get your life back to where you can have a healthy and happy one. Obviously you would not go around telling random people on the street "hey guess what..." but you can feel free to seek a counselor or support group asking up front for someone who specializes in helping sort out the baggage from sexual abuse / molestation and not feel embarrassed by it or imagine people will judge you over it.

 

[SoFarAway]

thats just the thing. I know I need to persue help someday. I know I do.
But Im not sure that I can.
I don't think I can tear my family apart like that
We recently just started to heal, well the rest of them have. I have also too, but only to a certain extent.
Im not sure about any of it

 

[Moriah_Conquering_Wind]

Sometimes you have to do what's right for yourself and trust God to sort out the rest. This would be one of those times. But you can still seek out a support group or counseling without your family knowing, and in fact the counselor can help prepare you for a day of disclosure with your family in the future, after you've recovered and processed things some, so you will be ready to cope with that. You don't need to tell them right away if you don't want to.

 

[SoFarAway]

Its really hard to make that decision though.
I'm not sure how I would even go about trying to find a group or anything.
I'm really scared to do it on my own

 

[Moriah_Conquering_Wind]

Yeah, it can be risky for sure. Even if you find groups nearby there bes no guarantee the people in them will be to your liking or helpful to your recovery.

A couple places to look: local hospitals often host support groups. Local mental health clinics and county mental health services might have referrals too.

 

[SoFarAway]

ok, thanks. I may just have to wait for a few years til I move out.
Im currently in my first semester of college
Id rather do it on my own

 

[kat69]

Excellent Explanation!

Hi SoFarAway.

One of the most difficult and most maddening aspects of coming to grips with sexual abuse and/or molestation occurs right at the point of where the victim enjoyed it.

It bes like a conundrum. The mind chases itself like a dog chasing its tail with all sorts of confused questions. How can we call it abuse and wrong if we enjoyed it? How could we have enjoyed it when it left us feeling so dirty, used and twisted inside? If we felt pleasure at all doesn't that mean a part of us wanted it? Etc. This kind of internal conflict with oneself, the confusion of it, the degradation of it, bes what makes molestation particularly horrible and cruel for someone to do to someone else. In some ways even more cruel than just, say, beating them up or something, because at least when you get beat up, your feelings remain clear and in tune with reality: it hurts, you don't like it, and clearly you got abused or victimized. But molestation makes everything muddy and murky and mixed up inside. Feelings like pleasure and being wanted or feeling special or important become associated with feeling dirty and used and degraded -- not exactly healthy, eh?

And these questions can haunt sexual abuse survivors even if they did not experience sexual pleasure during the molestation. A little girl might feel just as much guilt and confusion over having wanted her perpetrator to "like" her, or having had a little-girl crush on him, even if physically she found the whole molesting part "icky" feeling. The same questions can haunt all survivors of this kind of abuse for a variety of reasons.

A few things to help you sort it out inside:

First, your body has been made to experience physical pleasure when stimulated a certain way, and it's not your fault it responds to that "automatically". You simply cannot help that. So don't beat yourself up over the fact that you enjoyed some aspects of the experience, and don't let that confuse you -- you still got taken advantage of, you still got molested, and it would still be WRONG for someone to do that to you.

Second, your emotions have been created to respond to human affection and to enjoy bonding with other human beings, especially family. Again, you cannot help it that, as a little girl, you wanted to feel close to your brother, wanted him to include you in his world, wanted his approval, wanted to connect. It sounds like he took advantage of those natural and very healthy desires to do some unhealthy and confusing things with you for his own pleasure. He used you, and that bes wrong of him to do.

These two configurations -- a body created to experience sexual pleasure and a mind and heart created for fellowship and association and bonding with other people -- create the confusion here you have experienced and account for all those fuzzy factors and fuzzy places where you can't sort out whether you got forced into this or whether you consented. It doesn't really matter hon. He took advantage of you. Sexual pleasure can be very addictive and so can a little girl's craving for a big brother's approval and affection, and those two things, sadly, worked against you to make you compliant with his intentions. So you may not have been forced, per se, but you got manipulated physically, socially and emotionally into going along with something that, whatever you felt about it, ultimately was not good for you and that would be why you experience such turmoil and confusion about it still today.

Your body has not been ruined. Your perceptions of sex may indeed be quite distorted from having had this experience pushed on you in your life, and that would be something a good counselor might help you sort out, if you can find one that you personally feel you can trust and open up to about these things in all their painful and embarrassing aspects. A good therapist or counselor would be able to help you get a grip on where all these distortions exist in your thinking and perceptions and help you reroute yourself into healthier perceptions about your sexuality.

This stuff happens way, way more than most people think. It's far more common than most people believe. You would not be alone in this. Many others have suffered some form of it too. Moriah got molested for about three years (age 6 through 9) by older boys in its neighborhood (ages 11-15) so it can definitely relate to your experience and the confusion this causes.

Hope something it writes here you find helpful.

 

[Moriah_Conquering_Wind]

Thanks Kat (hey, give reps! )