Not sure what to do...

[ThatRobGuy]

So, this is a little out of my norm when it comes to CF...I'm well-known for my rousing gun debates and economic discussion in the debate section, however, I've never actually posted in this section before.

Last night, my fiancé dropped a bombshell on me that I was not expecting

To give a little background, she and I have known each other for 12 years.

We've been together almost 2 years, lived together since early May and engaged since July.

I can tell something's been on her mind lately, but she hasn't really wanted to talk about it.

Last night she sat me down and told me that lately she's been feeling like we did things out of order by moving in together first, then doing the engagement. She said it's really been weighing on her for a while now but just didn't know how to tell me.

She said that she wants to move out and go back to having her own place again...but still wants to be with me and remain engaged.

I'm trying to be as open-minded as I can but am struggling immensely with it at the moment

She said she wants to do it to make the relationship stronger...and I've been trying my best to look at it that way, but no matter what, I can't help feeling like it's taking a huge step backward. After living together for a while, it's almost like we're married and my house is going to feel empty without her here and going back to only seeing her 2-3 days a week like we did prior to moving in is going to be rough.

I love her dearly and want her to be happy and I want to be supportive of her and do whatever I can to make her comfortable with the relationship...however, I can't help feeling like this is the kiss of death for our relationship. I personally know two other couples who went through this same pattern and in both cases, the relationship ended completely within 3 months after the end of the cohabitation.

I'm not sure if anyone else has dealt with this before...but I sure could use some advice.

 

[chapmic]

It will be different for you but you will be ok. You will enjoy spend time with her more because you see her less. It will make your relationship stronger. Also it sounds like it will be temporary because you are already engaged. Sometimes we react negatively to things just because its new and different and we are unsure how it will turn out.

 

[Sketcher]

Well, it is a step backward, since you did do these out of order - like when you've left the house realizing that you forgot something essential and irreplaceable for the trip. You've got to backtrack, correct the mistake, and only after it has been corrected, move forward. You didn't say if she called herself a Christian or not, but this is honestly why I strongly advise Christians to practice their faith and not date unbelievers. Had they been faithful in the first place, they wouldn't have to harm the relationships they cultivated and their non-Christian significant others in order to return to living as they had pledged to live. It's the same with sex and cohabitation - had the people in such relationships been faithful to follow God's plan in the first place, they would not have had to end that part of their relationships until marriage (if that even happens). These are painful corrections to make, but the corrections are necessary.

 

[ThatRobGuy]

Well, it is a step backward, since you did do these out of order - like when you've left the house realizing that you forgot something essential and irreplaceable for the trip. You've got to backtrack, correct the mistake, and only after it has been corrected, move forward. You didn't say if she called herself a Christian or not, but this is honestly why I strongly advise Christians to practice their faith and not date unbelievers. Had they been faithful in the first place, they wouldn't have to harm the relationships they cultivated and their non-Christian significant others in order to return to living as they had pledged to live. It's the same with sex and cohabitation - had the people in such relationships been faithful to follow God's plan in the first place, they would not have had to end that part of their relationships until marriage (if that even happens). These are painful corrections to make, but the corrections are necessary.

In answer to your question, yes, she does identify as a Christian, however, in many aspects, she's not a conservative Christian per se. "Christian" is a broad identifier that encompasses many different belief sets so what may be considered "essential for a relationship" for a southern Baptist may not hold true for a Unitarian for example...

...another point to note is that common beliefs (in terms of religion) isn't the backbone of a good relationship in my opinion. I know couples who were of the same faith who ended up hating each others guts, and there are couples like my parents who are of different beliefs who've been together 30+ years without a hitch.

I guess the part that bugs me about it is if she did have those convictions pertaining to cohabitation (which I'm fine with by the way...doesn't make me love her any less), why now? why am I finding out about this 6 months into the cohabitation period and why wasn't this brought up before?...especially considering the fact that moving in together was partially her idea? (it was something that we discussed for a while before deciding to do so).

At one point in August, we were even considering going the non-traditional route and not even having a government-licensed marriage (she has a slight libertarian streak once in a while ), I'm just having a hard time wrapping my head around the concept that values could mysteriously change that drastically over a period of 2 months.

I know her mom is pretty conservative in terms of her faith (strict Baptist background...from South Carolina), and that she and her mom have been having many long phone calls with each other over that time period...am I being unreasonable in having some suspicions that maybe there is an outside influence at work on this one? She insists there isn't...however, I can't shake the feeling that there is.

 

[Sketcher]

It could be that since she's moving towards marriage, her old values are calling her home.
It could be that her mom is having more of an influence on her.
It could be that God is convicting her. If he is, he will convict her more and more.

I really don't know the answer to that, but I can definitely understand why you're upset about the timing. I'd rather have the truth told to me the first time, and for it to be stuck to.

 

[JCFantasy23]

Most of the time when people do move out, the relationships ends soon after, as you've said. Your situation and beliefs may make it different though, hard to tell. Only thing you can do is trust her instinct and if the relationship is right for you two, it should work out.