I am very sad and lonely.
I am very afraid.
I know it is trivial to worry for anything if I trust in Christ.
I know that fear is not of God.
I know that sometimes I am oversensitive. But a lot of the time, it is merely being aware of how others react to me. I know a tone of voice when I hear it, I recognise a tender hug as opposed to a forced one, especially if I know the person it is coming from well.
It is my heart's desire to be a Godly wife to my boyfriend one day. I realise that this can be a selfish desire for a lot of reasons. Especially because for a lot of reasons, the time is clearly not right yet. I feel so ready but I know that he isn't.
I know that God's plan for me does not have to conform to my desires at all, and I want for Him to do as He pleases. I know that He does what is best for those who love Him! I know that Jesus loves me and that there is nothing I can do to lose His love, and I know that He provides for me and has redeemed me on the cross with His precious blood. I know that it is a sin to be bitter over anything in this life when I have eternal salvation by the grace of Lord Jesus Christ! I know all these things and yet I am afraid and lonely and because I feel so unsure about the love of the man who my soul loves here on earth.
I am 29 - so not that young, but my life is underdeveloped because of my past life of sin. At the same time, I potentially have a lot of years ahead of me and I have no idea what those years will look like. I'm letting Jesus lead me and most of the time I'm not afraid, but right now I do feel afraid.
I want nothing more than for us to serve God together as husband and wife. Sometimes that seems so close, but other times so far. My boyfriend knows Jesus and was raised in a true Christian home and sometimes we have amazing conversations about Him. The one time we went on a prayer walk with some members from a neighbourhood church. We prayed for the bad areas in the neighbourhood and I felt such peace and happiness doing that. Sometimes he is so wise and offers me great insight into questions I have about the Word of God, without me even having to ask them out loud oftentimes.
It is through him and his family that I got saved in May 2014. I had a cataclysmic rebirth, having lived in the complete ruin of sin and opposition to God before. I did not have the background he's had. And I know that I love much because I have been forgiven much!
I crave nothing more than to submit to his leadership as a Godly husband and to go about a quiet life in the safety of a loving marriage, helping my husband and serving the Lord regardless of our material circumstances.
The thing is, I'm not sure he feels the same way. I know I just need to relax but it is hard on my heart. The last thing I want to do is for him to feel pressure from me, wanting something he cannot give right now. Yet many times that is exactly what I feel I manage to do. I was spending some time at his house for the holidays but felt so in the way that I came home early. Not because I nag, but because whenever I am worried or sad or preoccupied it shows on my face and in my voice and I can not hide it, no matter how hard I try.
Usually I can preoccupy myself with trying to earn a living and doing small things for the Lord here and there. I read and pray daily. Only sometimes I feel so overwhelmed that I struggle to pray. I know that nothing I can ever do can make a man love me who doesn't love me. But I feel so strongly that God is pressing it on me to trust Him and pray for my boyfriend and to be patient. At this point though I'm struggling with whether this is true or just because that is what I so much want. I'm struggling to be obedient. As a woman, God did not create me to stand alone. He created me to be a help for my husband. I know that in the Bible a lot of women have had to stand alone however, and they were mostly fine - but I am terrified. I have trouble believing that God would have led me to this man in the miraculous way that He did - and that He would have enabled us to overcome the many challenges we have already faced - just to have it all fall apart. God is not a sadist. At the same time, I may not be selfish. I realise that in this world I will have tribulation and that life is never meant to be a cakewalk. What I do know is that I will either marry this man or I will be alone all of my days. One of those two. There will be nobody else.
I so hoped that by this time we would have found a church where we can go together for fellowship. But he tends to be withdrawn, he does not want to go to church, and I know that we are not to forsake fellowship. Neither he nor I are mainstream folks, we look a bit different and so on but there is no reason why we would not be welcome in a Christian church! But it is not my place to push that. It needs to come from him. I have a local church that I go to but I have lost the desire to go on my own and I also know that he does not really approve of that church 100% - He thinks it is too 'megachurchy' I think. I don't agree with everything either but at least I can go there to praise and worship and to be with others who love Jesus - and if I see a problem I can always pray about it. I started to go to that church out of sheer loneliness. It is the only one I can get to because I have no transport and have to walk so it is my only option. And I do know God wants me in a church, or at least that He wants me to have fellowship, as He wants us all to have. If my boyfriend were to suggest that we check out a church I'd be so happy to give it a shot!Even if he starts going on his own, I will be so greatful! Even if that is not exactly what I want, ultimately what is important is the health of his walk with God too.
Something is also preventing him from getting baptised. I don't know what it is, but I am praying for it! I don't believe that baptism is a precondition for salvation... but from my own personal experience, I desired it so much when I became born-again. I waited many months because my boyfriend once mentioned that we could maybe get baptised together. However, it became clear that that was not going to happen any time soon. So his mom invited me to be baptised at a small service at their home the one day and I accepted, because I knew that is what God wanted. And the Bible is quite clear that it is a good thing to do.
It is difficult because I do not want to upset my boyfriend but I have to be obedient to God before all others - my boyfriend is not my husband and the Bible tells us to be obedient to our own husbands, not boyfriends.
I have no friends left, exept my childhood best friend and she is not yet saved. The only people who messaged me for my birthday three days ago was my mom and my boyfriend's mom. I am close to my boyfriends mother and we have done outreach together, which I love and will continue to do. She loves Jesus with all her heart and truly lives for Him in every aspect of her life. But I feel that for my own good at this stage and the health of my relationship I have to become self sufficient in my outreach. I am learning how to drive and will hopefully be able to get my driving licence early-ish this year. Once I have that, I can drive to the local streetwork building and volunteer my services there - at this point I feel lead to do this. I'll also be able to drive to different churches then to check them out, which I intend to do.
My boyfriend has a wonderful heart. Kind and loving with a great love for what is right and a loathing for that which is sinful. It is just that sometimes there is like this wall that comes down and I can't reach him or talk to him. Sometimes there are these shards of hardness that just pop out of nowhere. He is more comfortable behind the computer than with people and I get that because I am too. But Jesus commands us not to hide our lamp under a basket and I intend to obey. There is something that God still needs to do in my boyfriend. I don't quite understand what it is and I don't want to make any assumptions, I just know that God still needs to do something in him.
I have not talked about this to anybody really because I want to be discreet and respectful. But now I am asking for prayer in this regard. That whatever happens, I will be brave and remain true to Jesus Christ above all! That I will be able to keep my tongue and my spirit under control and to remain in prayer and to be what I need to be and accept what I need to accept. That I won't allow my selfish and fleshly desires to get the better of me... That I will not lose sight of God's perfect and sovereign will. I was delivered from so many things over the course of the past year and a half. I still battle depression, although I am much better. When things get rough on my heart like this, I have a great struggle to stay functional and objective. I am still hoping and praying every day for God to complete His miracle in my boyfriend that He has started and which I believe with all my heart He has promised me.
Sorry for the extremely long post... I just needed to get this off my chest. I know it may seem like a trivial thing... so many extremely serious situations in the world and this is what I come up with for a prayer request.
Thank you for reading, whoever you are.
I am very afraid.
I know it is trivial to worry for anything if I trust in Christ.
I know that fear is not of God.
I know that sometimes I am oversensitive. But a lot of the time, it is merely being aware of how others react to me. I know a tone of voice when I hear it, I recognise a tender hug as opposed to a forced one, especially if I know the person it is coming from well.
It is my heart's desire to be a Godly wife to my boyfriend one day. I realise that this can be a selfish desire for a lot of reasons. Especially because for a lot of reasons, the time is clearly not right yet. I feel so ready but I know that he isn't.
I know that God's plan for me does not have to conform to my desires at all, and I want for Him to do as He pleases. I know that He does what is best for those who love Him! I know that Jesus loves me and that there is nothing I can do to lose His love, and I know that He provides for me and has redeemed me on the cross with His precious blood. I know that it is a sin to be bitter over anything in this life when I have eternal salvation by the grace of Lord Jesus Christ! I know all these things and yet I am afraid and lonely and because I feel so unsure about the love of the man who my soul loves here on earth.
I am 29 - so not that young, but my life is underdeveloped because of my past life of sin. At the same time, I potentially have a lot of years ahead of me and I have no idea what those years will look like. I'm letting Jesus lead me and most of the time I'm not afraid, but right now I do feel afraid.
I want nothing more than for us to serve God together as husband and wife. Sometimes that seems so close, but other times so far. My boyfriend knows Jesus and was raised in a true Christian home and sometimes we have amazing conversations about Him. The one time we went on a prayer walk with some members from a neighbourhood church. We prayed for the bad areas in the neighbourhood and I felt such peace and happiness doing that. Sometimes he is so wise and offers me great insight into questions I have about the Word of God, without me even having to ask them out loud oftentimes.
It is through him and his family that I got saved in May 2014. I had a cataclysmic rebirth, having lived in the complete ruin of sin and opposition to God before. I did not have the background he's had. And I know that I love much because I have been forgiven much!
I crave nothing more than to submit to his leadership as a Godly husband and to go about a quiet life in the safety of a loving marriage, helping my husband and serving the Lord regardless of our material circumstances.
The thing is, I'm not sure he feels the same way. I know I just need to relax but it is hard on my heart. The last thing I want to do is for him to feel pressure from me, wanting something he cannot give right now. Yet many times that is exactly what I feel I manage to do. I was spending some time at his house for the holidays but felt so in the way that I came home early. Not because I nag, but because whenever I am worried or sad or preoccupied it shows on my face and in my voice and I can not hide it, no matter how hard I try.
Usually I can preoccupy myself with trying to earn a living and doing small things for the Lord here and there. I read and pray daily. Only sometimes I feel so overwhelmed that I struggle to pray. I know that nothing I can ever do can make a man love me who doesn't love me. But I feel so strongly that God is pressing it on me to trust Him and pray for my boyfriend and to be patient. At this point though I'm struggling with whether this is true or just because that is what I so much want. I'm struggling to be obedient. As a woman, God did not create me to stand alone. He created me to be a help for my husband. I know that in the Bible a lot of women have had to stand alone however, and they were mostly fine - but I am terrified. I have trouble believing that God would have led me to this man in the miraculous way that He did - and that He would have enabled us to overcome the many challenges we have already faced - just to have it all fall apart. God is not a sadist. At the same time, I may not be selfish. I realise that in this world I will have tribulation and that life is never meant to be a cakewalk. What I do know is that I will either marry this man or I will be alone all of my days. One of those two. There will be nobody else.
I so hoped that by this time we would have found a church where we can go together for fellowship. But he tends to be withdrawn, he does not want to go to church, and I know that we are not to forsake fellowship. Neither he nor I are mainstream folks, we look a bit different and so on but there is no reason why we would not be welcome in a Christian church! But it is not my place to push that. It needs to come from him. I have a local church that I go to but I have lost the desire to go on my own and I also know that he does not really approve of that church 100% - He thinks it is too 'megachurchy' I think. I don't agree with everything either but at least I can go there to praise and worship and to be with others who love Jesus - and if I see a problem I can always pray about it. I started to go to that church out of sheer loneliness. It is the only one I can get to because I have no transport and have to walk so it is my only option. And I do know God wants me in a church, or at least that He wants me to have fellowship, as He wants us all to have. If my boyfriend were to suggest that we check out a church I'd be so happy to give it a shot!Even if he starts going on his own, I will be so greatful! Even if that is not exactly what I want, ultimately what is important is the health of his walk with God too.
Something is also preventing him from getting baptised. I don't know what it is, but I am praying for it! I don't believe that baptism is a precondition for salvation... but from my own personal experience, I desired it so much when I became born-again. I waited many months because my boyfriend once mentioned that we could maybe get baptised together. However, it became clear that that was not going to happen any time soon. So his mom invited me to be baptised at a small service at their home the one day and I accepted, because I knew that is what God wanted. And the Bible is quite clear that it is a good thing to do.
It is difficult because I do not want to upset my boyfriend but I have to be obedient to God before all others - my boyfriend is not my husband and the Bible tells us to be obedient to our own husbands, not boyfriends.
I have no friends left, exept my childhood best friend and she is not yet saved. The only people who messaged me for my birthday three days ago was my mom and my boyfriend's mom. I am close to my boyfriends mother and we have done outreach together, which I love and will continue to do. She loves Jesus with all her heart and truly lives for Him in every aspect of her life. But I feel that for my own good at this stage and the health of my relationship I have to become self sufficient in my outreach. I am learning how to drive and will hopefully be able to get my driving licence early-ish this year. Once I have that, I can drive to the local streetwork building and volunteer my services there - at this point I feel lead to do this. I'll also be able to drive to different churches then to check them out, which I intend to do.
My boyfriend has a wonderful heart. Kind and loving with a great love for what is right and a loathing for that which is sinful. It is just that sometimes there is like this wall that comes down and I can't reach him or talk to him. Sometimes there are these shards of hardness that just pop out of nowhere. He is more comfortable behind the computer than with people and I get that because I am too. But Jesus commands us not to hide our lamp under a basket and I intend to obey. There is something that God still needs to do in my boyfriend. I don't quite understand what it is and I don't want to make any assumptions, I just know that God still needs to do something in him.
I have not talked about this to anybody really because I want to be discreet and respectful. But now I am asking for prayer in this regard. That whatever happens, I will be brave and remain true to Jesus Christ above all! That I will be able to keep my tongue and my spirit under control and to remain in prayer and to be what I need to be and accept what I need to accept. That I won't allow my selfish and fleshly desires to get the better of me... That I will not lose sight of God's perfect and sovereign will. I was delivered from so many things over the course of the past year and a half. I still battle depression, although I am much better. When things get rough on my heart like this, I have a great struggle to stay functional and objective. I am still hoping and praying every day for God to complete His miracle in my boyfriend that He has started and which I believe with all my heart He has promised me.
Sorry for the extremely long post... I just needed to get this off my chest. I know it may seem like a trivial thing... so many extremely serious situations in the world and this is what I come up with for a prayer request.
Thank you for reading, whoever you are.
