I'm sure this type of thread is fairly common, but I figure I'll post anyway. If anyone can relate and offer advice their experiences it would be much appreciated...
Religion was part of my life from the day I was born.
My mother was the daughter of two protestant missionaries. Although their work was the more convetional.. my grandfather was an accountant.. my mother still had to put up with hardships for the sake of her parents faith. She remained a Christian and tried to raise my brother and I as Christians to no avail. As in most families, "Dad" was the law, not God. Although my mother could threaten or speak of the grace of god, it was the threat or grace of Dad that compelled my brother and I to act.
My father was born to a pretty waitress and her sailor husband. Tragedy ensued. My father's mother is an alcoholic, now recovering, and bi-polar. She behaves like a child and has been married 5 times in the course of her life. My grandfather sired my father and his brother, then more children in a second marriage. My father's brother killed himself when my father was 12, and my father's step-brother killed himself later.
Out of this hell, my father pulled himself through state college and onto success in New York, an MBA, and marriage to my mother. I was born, we moved to Kuwait where my father could gain business experience, then to England, where my younger brother was born. And finally back to the US when I was 9.
I was forced to go to church, and despite my interest the the stories of the bible I resented the idea of morality for morality's sake. I resented the idea that because jesus was a good man, all interpretations of his words must be good.
I was sent to Christian summer camp that was fun, but lacked any gravity. Most of the campmates were Christians, and I wanted to believe, but when it came down to it, I believed, then the belief faded and I was left with reality as it had been.
From the time I came back to the US I felt alone. We lived in an affluent suburb of Boston. Children would go to church then I would see them violating the morals they had so correctly repeated in sunday school.
I was disgusted and felt that the only way to not be left behind or eaten was to skill myself. I taugh myself to program, went to a good private school, and began to drink and smoke pot to socialize... I started seeing a therapist.
When I was not drunk or high I was angry and the cliques and felt like an outsider. Religion was almost non-existant. In my senior year of high school, our headmaster asked an english class "Who believes the body posseses a spirit?" One girl raised her hand.
Life went up and down. I attended a good state school that was a safety school for me.. I had not paid attention to my grades. I began to drink heavily with friends... I dropped classes, smoked pot, Aced computer science classes. I was brough on as an intern at a financial services company for $30/hr.. I acted like a clown and did not do any meaningful work. The next summer, I began having social problems at work and ended the internship early.
I began to drink alcoholically, smoked pot, and did other drugs when available.
This lasted for a year or so until my parents told me to get sober or get out. I started go to AA meetings and have been sober for 2 years.
The AA program is centered around the concept of a "higher power of our own understanding." Indeed, I have been told that the purpose of AA is to help the individual develop a relationship with a higher power.
I pray daily, often in desperation, and it calms me. The idea that I'm not alone, and even if no one around me likes me, I am still accepted and loved by God is a great comfort.
Kind of running out of steam on this post, but, I don't accept Jesus as the son of god. I'm close, and maybe I will at some point, but the doubt still exists. How much of religion is an opiate for the masses? How much of my God is an opiate for me... to insulate me from the truth of my failures? Also, I find spirituality in AA, but is church just a facade for networking? I don't know...
I continue to "work" the program, and am in a stage where I write down my resentments, fears, etc.. in an attempt to recognize the faults in my mental faculty. However, I feel all I may be doing is wrapping my lack of spirit and human connection in layers.
I'm not connected to people, and in almost every interaction, I find myself sparring between the lines and trying to take control of people.
If anyone struggles with the same issues, please do tell what works for you.
Religion was part of my life from the day I was born.
My mother was the daughter of two protestant missionaries. Although their work was the more convetional.. my grandfather was an accountant.. my mother still had to put up with hardships for the sake of her parents faith. She remained a Christian and tried to raise my brother and I as Christians to no avail. As in most families, "Dad" was the law, not God. Although my mother could threaten or speak of the grace of god, it was the threat or grace of Dad that compelled my brother and I to act.
My father was born to a pretty waitress and her sailor husband. Tragedy ensued. My father's mother is an alcoholic, now recovering, and bi-polar. She behaves like a child and has been married 5 times in the course of her life. My grandfather sired my father and his brother, then more children in a second marriage. My father's brother killed himself when my father was 12, and my father's step-brother killed himself later.
Out of this hell, my father pulled himself through state college and onto success in New York, an MBA, and marriage to my mother. I was born, we moved to Kuwait where my father could gain business experience, then to England, where my younger brother was born. And finally back to the US when I was 9.
I was forced to go to church, and despite my interest the the stories of the bible I resented the idea of morality for morality's sake. I resented the idea that because jesus was a good man, all interpretations of his words must be good.
I was sent to Christian summer camp that was fun, but lacked any gravity. Most of the campmates were Christians, and I wanted to believe, but when it came down to it, I believed, then the belief faded and I was left with reality as it had been.
From the time I came back to the US I felt alone. We lived in an affluent suburb of Boston. Children would go to church then I would see them violating the morals they had so correctly repeated in sunday school.
I was disgusted and felt that the only way to not be left behind or eaten was to skill myself. I taugh myself to program, went to a good private school, and began to drink and smoke pot to socialize... I started seeing a therapist.
When I was not drunk or high I was angry and the cliques and felt like an outsider. Religion was almost non-existant. In my senior year of high school, our headmaster asked an english class "Who believes the body posseses a spirit?" One girl raised her hand.
Life went up and down. I attended a good state school that was a safety school for me.. I had not paid attention to my grades. I began to drink heavily with friends... I dropped classes, smoked pot, Aced computer science classes. I was brough on as an intern at a financial services company for $30/hr.. I acted like a clown and did not do any meaningful work. The next summer, I began having social problems at work and ended the internship early.
I began to drink alcoholically, smoked pot, and did other drugs when available.
This lasted for a year or so until my parents told me to get sober or get out. I started go to AA meetings and have been sober for 2 years.
The AA program is centered around the concept of a "higher power of our own understanding." Indeed, I have been told that the purpose of AA is to help the individual develop a relationship with a higher power.
I pray daily, often in desperation, and it calms me. The idea that I'm not alone, and even if no one around me likes me, I am still accepted and loved by God is a great comfort.
Kind of running out of steam on this post, but, I don't accept Jesus as the son of god. I'm close, and maybe I will at some point, but the doubt still exists. How much of religion is an opiate for the masses? How much of my God is an opiate for me... to insulate me from the truth of my failures? Also, I find spirituality in AA, but is church just a facade for networking? I don't know...
I continue to "work" the program, and am in a stage where I write down my resentments, fears, etc.. in an attempt to recognize the faults in my mental faculty. However, I feel all I may be doing is wrapping my lack of spirit and human connection in layers.
I'm not connected to people, and in almost every interaction, I find myself sparring between the lines and trying to take control of people.
If anyone struggles with the same issues, please do tell what works for you.
