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Not listening to OCD... but unable to separate it from logic

EtainSkirata

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Hello, it's me again! Don't worry, guys, I'm working towards getting therapy. I just... need to post about another Thing my brain has come up with. (I also literally have no friends to talk about these things with--technically no close friends at all due to some stuff that happened awhile ago--so these forums are basically my only outlet.)

Anyway. I'm an amateur writer, I write for my enjoyment but haven't been published yet. Recently, though, I've remembered some scenes in my stories that... I'd had sinful thoughts around when writing them/thinking about them. I think if you looked at the scenes objectively, the consensus would be "that's pretty dark" but basically find nothing all that wrong with them (ie, a longer version of the scene in Empire Strikes Back where Han Solo is "interrogated"). The other thing is, these thoughts that were coexisting with the scenes aren't OCD thoughts, they really are/were bad thoughts.

Now, I've since chosen to repent of these thoughts and take every thought captive (because even with OCD, that doesn't excuse Actual Bad Thoughts). The other thing is, I haven't looked at these stories in a looooong time (except once a few months ago to just look at my old stuff). But I'm convinced I need to delete them.

The problem is, I don't want to start down an obsessive spiral. I've moved one of the stories in question into the recycling bin, but I haven't permanently deleted it. A while back I deleted a ton of music, in a bit of a panic, but now I'm thinking a better alternative would have been to just delete songs as they came up and I decided I didn't want to hear them anymore. Same with this: I don't want to delete anything in a panic, and go down a spiral of deleting a bunch of stuff... buuuut I can't shake the feeling that I need to do something. Darned if I do, darned if I don't.
 

Not Perfect

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If you don't mind, could I ask a clarifying question? When you say that the thoughts were "coexisting with the scenes", do you mean that the scene you wrote was inspired by/a direct result of a sinful thought that you were deliberately entertaining? Or just that you were in a sinful mental place while you wrote it, but the work is separate from those thoughts?

I have had times where I am doing something, and somewhere in the process I do something sinful, but the two things aren't related. For example, I might be drawing a picture, while simultaneously entertaining hateful thoughts about someone I just had a fight with. I know that dwelling on anger for too long is sinful, so I repent of that. But I associate the picture with those angry thoughts, so I feel like the picture I drew is "contaminated" or something and I need to start over. If that is the type of thing you are dealing with, I would say, God has forgiven you of the bad thoughts, and it is your OCD, not your conscience, that associates the two.

On the other hand, it could be that the story you wrote came from a sinful mental place. Then it's a bit trickier. I would say talk to a pastor about that, but a good rule of thumb might be, "does this story lead me to sin? Would writing or reading it cause me to have these sinful thoughts again? Could they lead someone else reading the story to sin?" If the answer is yes, maybe consider editing the story to be less morally questionable. If not, it's probably fine.
 
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Not Perfect

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I deal with this type of thing too. Sometimes I can't separate a compulsion from real sin. In those cases, I think God knows your heart. Going too much to one side and getting rid of all your stories could start an obsessive cycle, which could actually lead to sin (because these obsessions tempt us to trust in our own efforts to be righteous, instead of God's forgiveness). On the other hand, you don't want to allow yourself to do sinful things in the name of freedom from OCD. I worry a lot about sinning by writing off my conscience as just OCD. I think that, as long as you are using scripture to guide your path, and your heart is truly to serve God, he will forgive you for any slip-ups. I think that is what is called "hidden sin" -- things we do that are wrong, without necessarily recognizing that they are wrong. Jesus's blood covers those, and as you mature in Christ, he will reveal more and more hidden sins as time goes on.

One thing my mom told me about distinguishing between OCD and my conscience, or OCD and logic, is that whenever I have an anxious or guilty feeling that says, "You should or should not do this specific thing", ask yourself where the justification for that impulse comes from. If your justification for that feeling is, "I just feel bad", or "I'm afraid that something bad will happen if I perform this specific act", it is likely a compulsion. If your justification is, "This goes against a moral or logical principle that I hold", it is probably a good idea to follow that impulse. Every specific act should be guided by broader moral principles, not just feelings. I hope that makes sense; I'm kind of rambling right now.
 
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EtainSkirata

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If you don't mind, could I ask a clarifying question? When you say that the thoughts were "coexisting with the scenes", do you mean that the scene you wrote was inspired by/a direct result of a sinful thought that you were deliberately entertaining? Or just that you were in a sinful mental place while you wrote it, but the work is separate from those thoughts?

I have had times where I am doing something, and somewhere in the process I do something sinful, but the two things aren't related. For example, I might be drawing a picture, while simultaneously entertaining hateful thoughts about someone I just had a fight with. I know that dwelling on anger for too long is sinful, so I repent of that. But I associate the picture with those angry thoughts, so I feel like the picture I drew is "contaminated" or something and I need to start over. If that is the type of thing you are dealing with, I would say, God has forgiven you of the bad thoughts, and it is your OCD, not your conscience, that associates the two.

On the other hand, it could be that the story you wrote came from a sinful mental place. Then it's a bit trickier. I would say talk to a pastor about that, but a good rule of thumb might be, "does this story lead me to sin? Would writing or reading it cause me to have these sinful thoughts again? Could they lead someone else reading the story to sin?" If the answer is yes, maybe consider editing the story to be less morally questionable. If not, it's probably fine.


To answer your question, I'd say the former. The problem I'm facing is when a character gets hurt... I was too pleased by it. They say writers tend to enjoy putting their characters through tough stuff, and that is part of the writing process, but I know where the line is in my emotional response, and I know I crossed it.

Now, the story in question I have no intention of ever finishing. I've moved on to other projects. BUT. The problem is, when any character in any story gets hurt and I'm describing it, that's where the issue is. Or when I'm thinking about the scene before or after writing it. So it's not just one story. (But, again, if you were to read my works, I think you'd find nothing wrong. I think actually the Hunger Games was more "dark" than my stuff, and that's a young adult novel.)

I pulled the one story out of the recycle bin on the computer and re-read part of it. And the same thoughts came up, but I thought "no, these aren't good thoughts." You can't just write a story and not have anything bad ever happen to the characters. But on the flipside, I don't like how much my brain seems to like writing these things. I want to just tell the stories.
 
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