Not in love...

[emmasmum]

Hi,
We have been married for 7 years and have 2 little girls of 6 and 3. The problem is that my husband has been what I (and a few other people) would call a bully to me in the past. I felt a lot of resentment towards him and I would often talk about him to my mum. She has now passed on (5 months ago.) I have wanted to leave him a lot of times in the past and I was scared of him. If I said the wrong thing he thought that I wasn't understanding his point of view and would go on and on saying things in a bullying sarcastic tone even though I was reduced to tears and saying nothing back. My mum, my godparents and a few other people have heard or seen what he can be like and have hoped that I would leave him. He was very rude and unhelpful to me and my mum when she was living with us up until last year when she died of terminal cancer. The good news is he has been better recently but i feel that i want to keep things i do in my life secret from him sometimes because i think i fear ridicule. I have no desire for sexual activity with him although he can sometimes "get me going". I was working as a cleaner and met a lovely man who was 22 years older than me (i'm 31). I had a bit of a kiss and cuddle with him. He wanted more but I said no and explained a lot about my faith. I don't see this man any more but I think I did fall in love with him. I have repented several times about this. Please don't think badly of me. I think it could happen to anyone. I was in an upsetting situation and just met someone I thought was a nice person. Think of Kate Winslett in Titanic and the way Billy Zane's character treats her. It was a bit like that. I don't know how to get the desire back for my husband or have too many things happened to get it back? I do forgive him but I often get very tense when he touches my body. Any advice?

 

[squatpuke]

Any advice?

Yeah...


Quit watch'n chick-flicks.

 

[emmasmum]

Sorry!!???

 

[InTheFlame]

He's hassling you over watching Titanic.

First, your reaction's very normal. Not right, as you know, just fairly standard for someone feeling unloved.

The bad news - I suspect you'll only get your feelings back for your husband if he starts inspiring them. Know what I mean? But it depends ... I don't know the current state of your relationship from what you've said. Maybe it's in a better state than I'm imagining, and at heart he's a nice bloke.

The good news... you're not 'in love' with this other guy. That was an infatuation caused by you contrasted the two and finding something you were wanting from your husband, in him. You were using him.

Did your parents have any problems - addictions or abuse?

 

[c1ners]

He's hassling you over watching Titanic.

First, your reaction's very normal. Not right, as you know, just fairly standard for someone feeling unloved.

The bad news - I suspect you'll only get your feelings back for your husband if he starts inspiring them. Know what I mean? But it depends ... I don't know the current state of your relationship from what you've said. Maybe it's in a better state than I'm imagining, and at heart he's a nice bloke.

The good news... you're not 'in love' with this other guy. That was an infatuation caused by you contrasted the two and finding something you were wanting from your husband, in him. You were using him.

Did your parents have any problems - addictions or abuse?

Is it alright if I PM you on this?

 

[Daily Miracle]

Here's what I see. You bring your husband into this, telling us how horrible he is. You make him out to be the bad guy just in case we wouldn't think so on our own, then you end the scene with YOU saying you think you fell in love with someone else.

The problem is that you both have your hands on the apple, and you have to throw it away before you can possibly work together.

 

[emmasmum]

No, my parents have not suffered addiction or abuse.
They were just regular normal people.
I am offended by the last post. I am telling my story as it is.
There are no exagerations and I was hoping to find some sympathetic people on here. It doesn't help when you try to tell your story and people come across as if its all your fault. No one will know how torn apart my husband has made me feel in the past except for God of course. On the other hand I know it is hard for some people to understand unless it has happened to them. My husband is a Christian and so am I and although we know how we should act, nothing is ever black and white.
I have a lovely friend who's husband talked down to her and put her down and I am so sorry that it all happened to her as i think she is a lovely girl.

 

[Stormy]

Hi emmasmum

First I think you need a hug.

Some people who are not exposed to it, do not understand that verbal abuse can hurt every bit as much as a punch in the stomach!

I can image the pain that you have gone through losing your mother and having a husband that seemed uncaring. Please understand that it is hard for some men to express their true feeling and instead things that are outside of their control are met with anger and hostility. In other words your unhappiness could be his reason for anger... his anger makes you unhappy... your unhappinesss makes him angry... You seem to be on a carousel of hurt and anger.

Then along comes a person who is outside of all this grief and anger and is able to take you to a place of happiness and love. I really doubt that you love him.. You love the way that he makes you feel.

My advise would be for you and your husband to seek consoling. I am a Catholic so if it were me... I would go to my Priest. We also have marriage encounter workshops that help marriages get on and stay on the right track. Is there anything like that available to the two of you.

It is my opinion that God has brought the two of you together, and I pray that you both can learn how to show each other love and consideration.

You are both in my prayers. Please do something positive to help your marriage today

 

[christalee4]

No, my parents have not suffered addiction or abuse.
They were just regular normal people.
I am offended by the last post. I am telling my story as it is.
There are no exagerations and I was hoping to find some sympathetic people on here. It doesn't help when you try to tell your story and people come across as if its all your fault. No one will know how torn apart my husband has made me feel in the past except for God of course. On the other hand I know it is hard for some people to understand unless it has happened to them. My husband is a Christian and so am I and although we know how we should act, nothing is ever black and white.
I have a lovely friend who's husband talked down to her and put her down and I am so sorry that it all happened to her as i think she is a lovely girl.

Dear Emmasmum: I am not going to address your flirtation with weakness, because it was done during a time in which you were low and weak. You have repented. Now, you should move on and look to trying to heal your relationship, as God wants you to.

Extended verbal putdowns for a period of time can certainly affect someone negatively in their relationship. It is abuse, and it can whittle away one's love for one's spouse. You are also feeling emotionally fragile from grieving for your mum, as well, which is understandable. Have you ever really poured your heart to your husband about your feelings, that he has hurt you and reduced you? Have you told him that you want healing, and to feel love again? That you want him to win back your heart? It can very lonely not to be able to communicate one's true feelings to someone who is supposed to be your very best friend.

Also, consider that husbands who systematically put their wives down have a problem of some kind - why did your husband do that, and why did your girlfriend's husband do that? Has your husband ever told you why he treated you like that? What happened in his upbringing to make him so angry and hard in his heart?

Getting down to the root of the problem through open discussion is a start. And during discussion, no putdowns are allowed. If this needs to be done with a counselor mediating, then so be it. The start of the healing can be very simple, and should be strong and honest: "I am not happy in our marriage, and I need help. I have not been happy with our marriage for a long time. Will you help me to love again?"

God bless and let us know how things progress. Christalee.

 

[FaithAlone]

I don't have anything to add but I want to thank the ladies who addressed this serious issue with sypathy and love instead of sarcasm. I think we all need to be more careful with our words.

 

[Leanna]

I agree with christalee .... you backed away from the other guy and repented, you have been forgiven. Now is the time to work towards healing and it is hard, but you're trying. I think you are a very strong person.

Could you and your husband go to marriage counseling together? I think it would help you guys communicate. Also, do you have regular date nights? My husband and I have been doing this game: http://www.family.org/resources/itempg.cfm?itemid=2143
and it has really blessed us. It gives us ideas on a special date once a month, some for the wife and some for the husband and since neither of us are natural romantics its kind of nice. Also it makes SURE we do something, and its hard when there are children in the picture to make falling in love with one another a priority.

I can't believe people are beating this sister while she's down, or making jokes..... that's really sick...

 

[If Not For Grace]

If Daily's post offended you go get some Kleenex before you read this:

verbal abuse can hurt every bit as much as a punch in the stomach!

Not only does is hurt like physical abuse but it is a precursor to physical abuse.

Abuse is abuse period. It he is verbally abusive, it is likely only a matter of time before it becomes Physical.

Why did you not Leave as "everybody" wanted you to? Leaving does not have to include divorce, but physical and emotional safety are paramount.

Why do you think you fell "in Love" with this Other guy?
Can you fall "in Love" w/anybody who throws a little kindness your way? If so, This would be an indication of emotional immaturity.

Your OP reads like you would be willing to go anywhere with anybody who shows you compassion, kindness and a little attention.

You are either terribly emotionally wounded or a capricious and emotionally shallow person. Either way there is ALOT of work to do before you will be ready for a healthy relationship with anyone (including current hubby).

When a person has fallen down and been injured, they need the care of a physician and time to heal. The same is true with emotional scaring. Resentments are hard to overcome if the perpetrator has repented and changed, you do not say if hubby has done this or not, but you do not indicate either of you has sought nor received professional care.

Counseling is in order here. You need self-esteem and confidence and hubby needs to deal with whatever insecurities are allowing him to try and make himself feel important by making you feel small.

You also need to learn what healthy love is--and what it is not.
This situation is not going away by itself. If you can't see your way clear to counseling right now, at least try a self help group (like Co-Dependant's Anoy.) or get a recommendation from an organization like Turning Point or some other domestic abuse organization in your community. I pray you know, you should not tolerate abuse of any kind and that you realize that no matter what you cannot change another person, only yourself.

I commend you for taking the 1st step of realizing there is a problem, & identifying it--just realize, if you are in an abusive (verbally or otherwise) situation and you feel you can't leave, your thinking has already become distorted and you need "outside" help. I pray also you and he will seek it.

 

[InTheFlame]

emmasmum - the reason I asked about your parents, was because I was wondering what some others have asked - why you put up with the abuse as long as you did. Often we learn that we're not worth more than that sort of treatment in childhood... from parents, family, friends.

I hope I didn't come across as having a go at you. I think I just learnt a valuable lesson - don't respond to posts like yours late at night! I usually don't, but I noticed you were online and thought you might feel better if you got a sensible reply.

Anyway, I agree that counselling is probably the best step for you two. Find someone who's christian AND a qualified counsellor.

Are you a book reader? If so, there's a book called Boundaries in Marriage (by Drs Cloud and Townsend) that might help you out. I find their books really useful for helping christians see how to love people effectively... and avoid the sort of 'love' which can actually help people move away from God.

 

[Mirelys]

emmasmum---

What you said about not having desire and getting tense, it sounds like you are afraid of him. Like others have mentioned, marriage counseling sounds like a necessary step, but it might be a good idea to start with separate sessions. If you are afraid of what he will say, then it will be difficult to open up with him in the room. It sounds like you both have individual issues to work out (him being abusive, and you being afraid) before you can start working on your relationship.
Just thoughts based on my own experiences, and may or may not be helpful/applicable to your situation...

 

[Daily Miracle]

There are no exagerations and I was hoping to find some sympathetic people on here.

You wanted me to feel sorry for you so I could offer sympathy, I totally didn't catch on to that! So your marriage is really tolerable, you just wanted to vent a little? I'm so confused.

I'm very sorry you were offended by my previous message, but I had no idea you just wanted to justify the feelings you are already experiencing. I'm glad your husband is doing better, hopefully he will continue to do so. God bless.

 

[If Not For Grace]

My husband is a Christian and so am I and although we know how we should act, nothing is ever black and white.

I don't think anyone here is out to be mean. But perhaps it is hard to understand what you want when you make comments like this one. If you know what you should be doing and you are both Christians--then what makes it soooo hard to treat each other well.

Some of the people here seem just to be cautioning you against staying too long in self pity or offering the classic warning signs of abuse. No one wants to see you suffer. When a problem has been identified--the solution is w/in reach.

Freud said sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.

Often times things are black and white. We just like to pretty it up with color.

I am praying that you receive revelation and reach a level where you have a good healthy relationship.

 

[RestoredbyGrace]

Yea, actually some great advice for you. Stop kissing other men. Repenting is great. Have you ever thought about telling your husband about it. Cuz a bully is not fun to live with but what do you think its like compared to someone who cheats. Book of Mathew......Do not take the sawdust from another's eye before removing the Plank from your own. I hate hearing stories of how wives are pushed to doing this. There is no excuse and im so tired of hearing it.

 

[heartnsoul]

From what I read, many verbally abusive men have BPD (bipolar personality disorder). Do a google search and read about BPD. I suspect that your husband may have that problem. Hope that helps. The most important thing you need to do for yourself is first HEAL yourself. Go to counseling and find out how to set healthy boundaries for yourself so your husband will begin respecting your boundaries. It will take a lot of time and patience but if you put forth the effort, discipline and perseverance, you will be able to live a more peaceful life. So heal yourself, get counseling on setting healthy boundaries, then practice, practice, practice setting those boundaries, make friends to help you emotionally get through this and encourage you while you're healing. You cannot control your husband's actions, but you can control your own ...AND your actions can positively influence his actions.

I heard of a great book on healing called Healing Is A Choice, by Steve Auterburne. You can buy that book on website: www.newlife.com
That book will be very helpful and it will give you a step by step detailed program on healing.


Hang tough. Time to grow thicker skin and learn to love yourself more by setting boundaries for self preservation. I will keep you in my prayers. A BIG HUG FOR YOU!!