Not feeling worthy of a relationship

[leothelioness]

I don't feel like I deserve a relationship with a guy. I feel like all guys are too good for me and I'm worthless and pathetic enough that they would not want me. I always feel like I would not make a good gf and they would not be satisfied with me. I also catch myself thinking a there's something wrong with a guy if he shows interest toward me.

How do I deal with this aside from intense therapy? And don't say, "See yourself the way God sees you," because that doesn't work.

 

[Everlasting33]

Leo,

I understand, since I still struggle with this and I am married! (I sometimes don't feel worthy to be married)

Here is the truth: your feelings/thoughts are probably due to low self-esteem, right? When you and I have low self-esteem, our feelings/thoughts are distorted due to past circumstances, past verbal/nonverbal messages from loved ones and friends, and our own ability to focus on the negative.

There seems to be this fundamental belief that you are unlovable, deficient, worthless, inadequate and inferior. 99 % of the time, these beliefs are fostered by our parents and close family in childhood. Perhaps you can concur to this?

The best way to combat our thoughts is to challenge and not identify with them. When we identify with the negative feelings, we believe we are the negative feelings.

Positive affirmations can also be helpful.

"I don't feel worthy of that guy."
Challenge: How do you know your feeling is accurate?"
Positive affirmation: "I am worthy of love, respect, and peace and I give and receive love with ease."

Here are some books that have helped me:

"Feeling Good" David Burns
"Soul without Shame" Byron Brown
"Fear of Intimacy" Robert Firestone

 

[awosan]

I feel the same! I hope someone gives some good advice.

All I can think of is, having faith that God will give you that one person who will love you the way you are.

Think of waiting for that guy to come and when that guy comes know that God set it up and that boy loves you and you are enough because God set it up.

What God sets up is what is great and good for you and that guy.

So, the Lord's will be done!

 

[RuthD]

Your thoughts are lying to you. I suggest when you have those self-depricating thoughts that you talk back to them and defend yourself as being the opposite because that is what you are. You can then pat yourself on the back for standing up for yourself. I have been there too and go there sometimes too. Once I started dating again I saw that I can be loved and am lovable just like you are. I am praying for you. God bless.

 

[Thunder Peel]

As I guy I go through this feeling quite often too. I've always had low self-esteem and I feel as if I'll never find someone who loves me for who I am in a genuine way. I don't have a lot of advice but please know that there are others who deal with this too.

 

[Mayflower1]

Praying for you!

 

[wgjones3]

I feel the same way too... and not just with romantic relationships but with friendships... and I'm finding that it's hurting people who want to be friends with me on some level who think that I'm rejecting them b/c I won't let them in... and that just makes the whole thing feel sooooo much worse.

Anyway, know that you're not alone... and know too that there are people out there who do want to get to know you.

 

[Rocklee]

I don't feel like I deserve a relationship with a guy. I feel like all guys are too good for me and I'm worthless and pathetic enough that they would not want me. I always feel like I would not make a good gf and they would not be satisfied with me. I also catch myself thinking a there's something wrong with a guy if he shows interest toward me.

How do I deal with this aside from intense therapy? And don't say, "See yourself the way God sees you," because that doesn't work.

Praying for you sister. You're not worthless and no one's too good, in fact a lot of people think that way every now and then.

You might not think you have confidence but you do, you really do.

 

[Aedin]

I deal with stuff pretty similar to this, for very reasons. I'll read it again later to see if I have any advice, but I wanted to say you can talk to me if you want, see if I can help, and I'll be praying for you.

 

[Zags91]

I'm dealing with this problem right now due to past things I've done. I'm having a hard time moving on and I feel sooooo very stupid for what I've done over the years. I'm going to counseling now and trying to find some way to accept things for what they are and move on into a fruitful life. Nice avatar by the way, Exit Stage Left.

 

[smk22]

It's all in your head. I've found that the best self esteem booster is going to the gym. Any feelings I might have of being inferior just wash away and I get this feeling of indestructibility. I highly recommend it.

I don't see why you have a problem anyway. Your profile picture is very attractive. Guys are probably shy to talk to you.

 

[KarateCowboy]

I've been going through this work book for the last year, and it's gradually been paying off. Loving yourself is an attitude, an act, and a skill. It needs to be developed.

Ever person is intrinsically worthy of love. You were created to be loved.

Try "nevertheless" or "and". The next time you catch yourself thinking "I feel worthless", counter back with " NEVERTHELESS, I am precious to God, and of infinite value".

There are quite a few cognitive distortions in your OP. Study up on those. For example you say "I feel I'm worthless". That's a distortion called "Emotional reasoning". Just because you feel worthless does not mean you are.

On a side note, you're definitely not ugly so I wouldn't be worried about that department.

 

[jwu]

I don't feel like I deserve a relationship with a guy. I feel like all guys are too good for me and I'm worthless and pathetic enough that they would not want me. I always feel like I would not make a good gf and they would not be satisfied with me. I also catch myself thinking a there's something wrong with a guy if he shows interest toward me.

Hi Leo,

perhaps it can help you to try to view the situation from your potential partner's point of view. You seem to be a person to whom the well being of her partner is extremely important. I bet that many, if not most, guys would consider themselves lucky if they had a partner who cares as much for them as you'd do.

On a side note, you're definitely not ugly so I wouldn't be worried about that department.

Yup! I would definitely be too shy to approach her if i saw her in a bar...

 

[leothelioness]

.

 

[jwu]

 

[melissaparker19]

thats great news leo! well done!

I struggle with that same issue. not to the same extent but i do know what you are going through. Ive always thought no guys would ever want to be friends with me and then maybe fall in love with me eventually. i still think it alot but i was told that it doesnt matter if no other guys pay any attention to you it only matters when the right guy starts paying you attention then you hopefully will recognise it.

Its a daily struggle which i have been dealing with for many years now. Its good I have friends around me who can help.

 

[andy212]

Your heart will tell you when you meet the right one im sure, when you find the true one who just lets you be what you feeling will pass, as a guy i can tell you if i walked into a room i dont look at girls that stand out to everyone i look for the quiter girl who is like a un opened rose bud who would see something in me that would make her bloom. Have faith in yourself im sure you will be fine.

 

[leothelioness]

thats great news leo! well done!

I struggle with that same issue. not to the same extent but i do know what you are going through. Ive always thought no guys would ever want to be friends with me and then maybe fall in love with me eventually. i still think it alot but i was told that it doesnt matter if no other guys pay any attention to you it only matters when the right guy starts paying you attention then you hopefully will recognise it.

Its a daily struggle which i have been dealing with for many years now. Its good I have friends around me who can help.

Thanks! Praying for you.

 

[leothelioness]

Your heart will tell you when you meet the right one im sure, when you find the true one who just lets you be what you feeling will pass, as a guy i can tell you if i walked into a room i dont look at girls that stand out to everyone i look for the quiter girl who is like a un opened rose bud who would see something in me that would make her bloom. Have faith in yourself im sure you will be fine.

That was beautifully said. Pure poetry.

 

[Lighthouse76]

I am praying for you.

Hugs.