Not a virgin...

[JesusChristIsKing]

This has started to bother me a lot lately. Recently I got to know two girls, purely on a friendship level. As I found out, both of them have lost their virginity, which brings me to my problem...

One of them has been around the same group of friends I usually hang out with for a few months. I'm not very close to her but I do care for her and we get along well, just talking. Today we were talking about a past relationship she had with a friend of mine and she told me that she lost her virginity to him. I wouldn't say it broke my heart because things like this have gotten me down way too many times for it to affect me the same way but I just can't get the thought out of my head anymore. They were together only 5 weeks before they had sex and pretty much broke up after that. Me and her started talking shortly after that. I just had no interest in even talking to her before, since I imagined her to be a completely different person than she is. As I found out, I was wrong. I've gotten to know her a little better now and she really is a good person. Our personalities are similar and I just felt so bummed to hear her telling me this. Now that I know this, I quickly shrug the usual thought of "maybe, just MAYBE I'll find her to be the right girl to be with" away. The thought that maybe if I had gotten to know her earlier she wouldn't have gotten together with my friend (which is very likely, considering the circumstances). I could've, but I was in a bad place and couldn't interact normally so I opted not to nd I just feel like I let both her and myself down by this.

What I want to know is...in the case of pursuing something more than a friendship, how should I deal with the fact that the other person has already lost her virginity? It's not the end of the world but there is just something that completely turns me off to a person if she has given a herself away to someone. Most of the time when I find out(or already know, based on how the person talks) a girl is not a virgin I'm not bothered because I'm so used to it. I just completely lose any interest in looking at the person as a possible girlfriend and that's that. It's like I don't want anyone who has had sex like that to be more than a friend to me. But right now it's all I can think about and it's definitely going to come up more and more in the future. It just completely brings me down for some reason.

In a way, it makes me feel even more alone and not being able to relate or open up to people because of being the only one who still cherishes staying a virgin. Not so much because it's a sin but just because I find it disgusting that people can go so easily sleeping with anyone. Figured maybe making a thread about it would help clear my mind.

I'm not even sure I want to get over this. I want to still belive in something better than what society dictates. I don't want to accept the fact that it's normal to have sex so nonchalantly. I just want anyone else's thoughts.

 

[Pocru]

Nothings wrong with your point of view per SAY... some might call it a bit selfish.

Its fine to want to save yourself for marriage... its a part of who you are, and people should respect that.

...BUT on that token, YOU should respect other's wishes if they just dont want to wait, or you should respect the fact it might of been a mistake. Love is a fickle thing, remember: a girl who gives herself away to the man she thinks is her true love can find he's not the man she wants to spend the rest of her life with: a honest mistake made by many people.

Love is confusing.

you shouldn't make vergin stats a prereqiusite for a relationship. You should make the girls personality, the way she acts, her views, how much you like her as a person, the prerequsites. If she's a vergin, great! If she's not, it should be something you should be able to work and see past... you may walk right past your true love if you learn she's not a vergin.

Nothings wrong, again, with wanting to save yourself, and you can encourage that kind of thinking in others, but... you also need to respect other's views.

thanks!

 

[JesusChristIsKing]

I get what you mean. I will just really need to convince myself to have a different perspective. It obviously is the persons own choice, (a bad one at that, which she also admitted) but I'm just having a lot of trouble with it for whatever reason.

I don't understand how the way I look at it is selfish though. I just find it sad that people do this. Anyone who gives a second thought about what sex is would agree that it's not good for anyone to go sleeping around. It's meant to be between two people who love each other. I'm fairly sure she knew it wasn't love. Sex is just the normal thing a boyfriend and girlfriend do nowadays.

 

[Pocru]

I just call it selfish because you might break a heart or two just because a girl's not a virgin. Turning em' down or the like because of something they've done in their past.

thats just about it.

thakns!

 

[JesusChristIsKing]

Yeah...it is selfish...

Thanks for clearing that up...

 

[JesusChristIsKing]

Those points are exactly what I need to keep in mind but of course only time will tell.

 

[avra34v2]

"For the time will come when they will not endure sound doctrine; but wanting to have their ears tickled, they will accumulate for themselves teachers in accordance to their own desires."

 

[pianomaster42]

Man, I can relate to this. I am saving myself for my future wife as well, and for the longest time, all I wanted was someone who could give me the same courtesy. Now, I haven't had very much trouble with saving myself, because I've been single my whole life ;P
But anyway, things changed for a couple of reasons. First, I agree with the people who have basically said, "Leave the past in the past." People make mistakes, and there are some very unfortunate ones that cannot be taken back, even if one wants to. Such as giving a piece of yourself.
Now, the second reason is centered around God's plan for you. (Well, I'm just assuming you are Christian because of your username, correct me if I'm wrong lol)
But anyway, sometimes God's plan for you is to be there for someone who needs your moral strength. If you start getting involved with someone who isn't a virgin, or maybe needs a little moral guidance, maybe God has put you there for her sake, for her to be with someone who can get her on the path again.

 

[Aino]

First of all, tervist from up north! It's so funny that Estonians start turning up here as well.

I think you should talk to her about this thing, especially if you consider a relationship. I understand that you feel bad about this, especially since she was with a good friend of yours, but the feeling can as well go away in a while, and you will surely come to accept her in spite of her mistake. Is she a christian? Do you share the same values? Doe she regret sleeping with your friend? Is she even ready for a proper long term relationship or should you remain friends for a while longer? Consider these before making any desicions.

 

[solarwave]

I also see where you are comming from, wanting a girlfriend who is a virgin. But the truth is humans make mistakes and do stupid things and need to be forgiven. Shouldn't a relationship be based upon the person rather than past deeds? Would you give the same level of a 'turn-off' to a girl who has stolen something or lied? Of course they are different types of things but different people commit different sins and so should forgiveness and love be only given to certain types of sinful nature even when they are very moral in other areas?

Of course purity is a good thing to look for in a girl, but in this age and culture it is too easy for a good person to lose that. All in all I think someone should be loved for who they are, not past deeds.

 

[TanteBelle]

You can't turn a person down simply because of their physical state of purity. Those who do it intentionally, knowing what God knows and expects of them is something else that one needs to consider. But for those who are not believers and found themselves caught up in what 'everyone else is doing', then turned to God need to be treated as the book of Corinthians says; 'Therefore, if any man be in Messiah he is a new creation. All things are passed away, all things are become new!" All things; even that. I wonder what would have become of this world if Salmon had decided that Rahab was not the right woman because she had lived her life as a prostitute!? There would be no Boaz, no King David, and not the same lineage that we read of Messiah.

 

[JesusChristIsKing]

Man, I can relate to this. I am saving myself for my future wife as well, and for the longest time, all I wanted was someone who could give me the same courtesy. Now, I haven't had very much trouble with saving myself, because I've been single my whole life ;P
But anyway, things changed for a couple of reasons. First, I agree with the people who have basically said, "Leave the past in the past." People make mistakes, and there are some very unfortunate ones that cannot be taken back, even if one wants to. Such as giving a piece of yourself.
Now, the second reason is centered around God's plan for you. (Well, I'm just assuming you are Christian because of your username, correct me if I'm wrong lol)
But anyway, sometimes God's plan for you is to be there for someone who needs your moral strength. If you start getting involved with someone who isn't a virgin, or maybe needs a little moral guidance, maybe God has put you there for her sake, for her to be with someone who can get her on the path again.

I don't mean to be rude in any way but I don't see how being a Christian says anything about me beliveing in God's plan. If it does, in that case I'd have to say I don't consider myself a Christian since I stopped believing in God's plan as such quite some time ago. I am thankful for what I have but I'm not about to say that anything that happens day-to-day, happens because God wants it to. Maybe it does, I just don't think any of us should be the ones to decide whether it is or not. It's bigheaded and almost like renouncing responsibility. I'm just taking as it comes.

First of all, tervist from up north! It's so funny that Estonians start turning up here as well.

I think you should talk to her about this thing, especially if you consider a relationship. I understand that you feel bad about this, especially since she was with a good friend of yours, but the feeling can as well go away in a while, and you will surely come to accept her in spite of her mistake. Is she a christian? Do you share the same values? Doe she regret sleeping with your friend? Is she even ready for a proper long term relationship or should you remain friends for a while longer? Consider these before making any desicions.

Hello to you too. Why is it funny ? I've never encountered anyone from Finland on here before either...

I'm not exactly considering it just now but if things develop I will talk to her. It's just been the way that we hang out. I can't help but feel that I'm expected to 'get something going' with this girl since a friend of mine goes out with a friend of hers and it's just the four of us usually, like a double date. Not that I would give into any pressure, I just kind of know she likes me aswell and wouldn't mind to have another boyfriend. With that mindset, I don't really see her being ready for a relationship anyway. Either way, this isn't the only reason why this issue worries me. It has come up before and it'll keep coming up more and more in the future.

I actually feel worse because it wasn't exactly a good friend of mine. It's someone who is a lot different compared to me, in a bad way...and the fact that she wanted to be with him frankly says the same about her.

I also see where you are comming from, wanting a girlfriend who is a virgin. But the truth is humans make mistakes and do stupid things and need to be forgiven. Shouldn't a relationship be based upon the person rather than past deeds? Would you give the same level of a 'turn-off' to a girl who has stolen something or lied? Of course they are different types of things but different people commit different sins and so should forgiveness and love be only given to certain types of sinful nature even when they are very moral in other areas?

Of course purity is a good thing to look for in a girl, but in this age and culture it is too easy for a good person to lose that. All in all I think someone should be loved for who they are, not past deeds.

This is true and you bring out a valid point but certain things are just considered worse and looked at differently for certain reasons. Then again it's just how things are in this day and age and not necessarily how they should be. I imagine Jesus would've considered every sin as equal.

To me, alcohol is the least worst of anything you could do because pretty much anyone has drunk at least a bit. Then meaningless sex and then drugs. It's just the way it is. Although it's very subjective, it's almost a ladder of how 'lost' a person is.

What I get from her is just that she regrets having sex with my friend but not necessarily the sex itself, only the fact that she picked my friend to do it. I'm not sure how I would feel if I had had sex. I'd most likely feel similar since there's no taking it back, hence no point in regretting and sweating it for a long time either. But if I'd start looking at it like that then everything would change into a whole different ballgame and I'd be in the same boat.

 

[avra34v2]

I don't mean to be rude in any way but I don't see how being a Christian says anything about me beliveing in God's plan. If it does, in that case I'd have to say I don't consider myself a Christian since I stopped believing in God's plan as such quite some time ago. I am thankful for what I have but I'm not about to say that anything that happens day-to-day, happens because God wants it to. Maybe it does, I just don't think any of us should be the ones to decide whether it is or not. It's bigheaded and almost like renouncing responsibility. I'm just taking as it comes.

What do you MEAN you don't believe in God's plan?!?

Do you KNOW the God that you claim to serve? Have you ever even picked up your Bible? What's bigheaded is to assume that YOU know more about who God is and how he works than Scripture does!

Maybe the godless facade of 'Christianity' that sends people to Hell everyday doesn't say anything about you believing in God's plan. But knowing, loving, and serving the One True God DOES say something about trusting in God's plan.

 

[MissElizabeth]

You can't turn a person down simply because of their physical state of purity. Those who do it intentionally, knowing what God knows and expects of them is something else that one needs to consider. But for those who are not believers and found themselves caught up in what 'everyone else is doing', then turned to God need to be treated as the book of Corinthians says; 'Therefore, if any man be in Messiah he is a new creation. All things are passed away, all things are become new!" All things; even that. I wonder what would have become of this world if Salmon had decided that Rahab was not the right woman because she had lived her life as a prostitute!? There would be no Boaz, no King David, and not the same lineage that we read of Messiah.

I agree with Belle. The fact is that all people make mistakes, some more than others. But I also believe that when they come to know God and repent of their sins, they should make the commitment to remain pure for the rest of their single life.

I put a high price on my purity, and will guard it with my life until marriage.

 

[TanteBelle]

What do you MEAN you don't believe in God's plan?!?

Do you KNOW the God that you claim to serve? Have you ever even picked up your Bible? What's bigheaded is to assume that YOU know more about who God is and how he works than Scripture does!

Maybe the godless facade of 'Christianity' that sends people to Hell everyday doesn't say anything about you believing in God's plan. But knowing, loving, and serving the One True God DOES say something about trusting in God's plan.

If I understand where he is coming from, he is talking about the predestination idea of God writing everything in your life before you have life and that is how you are going to live. If that is where he is coming from, then yes, I agree with him there.

I agree with Belle. The fact is that all people make mistakes, some more than others. But I also believe that when they come to know God and repent of their sins, they should make the commitment to remain pure for the rest of their single life.

I put a high price on my purity, and will guard it with my life until marriage.

Anyone who is serious about their conversion will remain pure because that is what God expects of Holy people.

 

[Aino]

Hello to you too. Why is it funny ? I've never encountered anyone from Finland on here before either...

Just wanted to answer this totally random and offtopic part. I just find it so weird that I've met something like 3 Estonians on here lately and considering that first of all, Estonia is fairly small (something like 1 million people, right?), secondly that according to this research, they were the least religious ones in the world and thirdly, because so many of them only speak something like estonian, finnish and/or russian.. So, quite a coincidence, I'd say.

 

[JesusChristIsKing]

What do you MEAN you don't believe in God's plan?!?

Do you KNOW the God that you claim to serve? Have you ever even picked up your Bible? What's bigheaded is to assume that YOU know more about who God is and how he works than Scripture does!

Maybe the godless facade of 'Christianity' that sends people to Hell everyday doesn't say anything about you believing in God's plan. But knowing, loving, and serving the One True God DOES say something about trusting in God's plan.

No, I don't know God and I'm not sure I claim to 'serve' him either. Neither do I think that anyone KNOWS God merely based on a book, that was written and changed over the course of two thousand years. By the church, by religion and most important, human beings. For a good cause, I admit it, but in the process, changing Jesus's real message into something completely different.

I admire people who have faith and can rely purely on it but I don't admire bigotry. You can't claim to know everything and jump into people's throats if they don't believe in the same things as you. Sorry, I didn't want to cause an argument over my beliefs but it seems to be inevitable here.

If I understand where he is coming from, he is talking about the predestination idea of God writing everything in your life before you have life and that is how you are going to live. If that is where he is coming from, then yes, I agree with him there.


Anyone who is serious about their conversion will remain pure because that is what God expects of Holy people.

I that's part of what I mean, yes.

Since we already strayed away, how do you define a person as 'holy'?

Just wanted to answer this totally random and offtopic part. I just find it so weird that I've met something like 3 Estonians on here lately and considering that first of all, Estonia is fairly small (something like 1 million people, right?), secondly that according to this research, they were the least religious ones in the world and thirdly, because so many of them only speak something like estonian, finnish and/or russian.. So, quite a coincidence, I'd say.

Yup, a little more than million. It definitely is a weird coincidence, I haven't met a single one here yet though.

I'd say the younger generation (my generation) of Estonians know English way better than Finnish and Russian though. That's just the influence of the western culture.

 

[mahalia]

I think your question has been answered well, so all I would want to say is this:

Be very careful of judging a person based upon previous life choices.

You can make of that what you wish

 

[solarwave]

No, I don't know God and I'm not sure I claim to 'serve' him either. Neither do I think that anyone KNOWS God merely based on a book, that was written and changed over the course of two thousand years. By the church, by religion and most important, human beings. For a good cause, I admit it, but in the process, changing Jesus's real message into something completely different.

I agree that you can't know God simply by reading the Bible, but that He must be known through relationship too, but I think its an important part of it.

You know the Bible hasn't been changed since it was written since we have many early copys and there isn't much if any difference between then and now.

 

[pianomaster42]

I don't mean to be rude in any way but I don't see how being a Christian says anything about me beliveing in God's plan. If it does, in that case I'd have to say I don't consider myself a Christian since I stopped believing in God's plan as such quite some time ago. I am thankful for what I have but I'm not about to say that anything that happens day-to-day, happens because God wants it to. Maybe it does, I just don't think any of us should be the ones to decide whether it is or not. It's bigheaded and almost like renouncing responsibility. I'm just taking as it comes.

Don't worry, I don't think you're being rude
I shouldn't have automatically assumed this, this is true. And maybe this is bigheaded and renouncing responsibility. I don't like to think of it as such. Mainly because I use this as sort of a coping mechanism. If something doesn't go the way I planned for it to, I am able to better cope with it if it has a certain air of inevitability, i.e. God's will. It's a little odd, I suppose, but it is how I am wired.