normal or not?

[kicker]

Hi. I need to know if what has happened to me is normal or not. I have said before how I have always been worried about being really saved. I used to not get down about anything and even though I wanted to do what a christian was supposed to do I did not pray or read my bible near what I should have. I would get fearful from time to time of going to hell and would ask christ to save me over and over. Well when my ocd kicked into high gear 8 years ago I would lay around and cry and beg jesus to save me constantly but felt I never had the right kind or amount of faith. But lately my problem has been feeling like I didn't really want him anymore. I talk to God every day asking him to give me a desire for him and to change the way I feel toward him and save me if I'm not saved. I used to never think I would feel so cold toward God but my thoughts have me wondering if I still want him. The thoughts of not wanting him are very scary to me because I know he is my only hope. How do I get my desire back like it used to be. I've prayed for it but it hasn't helped. My counselor said my feelings are just beat up right now but this has lasted a long time. Is this normal. Please help.

James

 

[seajoy]

How intence is your doctor having you work on exposure/response therapy? It would help you a lot. When you have these thoughts, you need to ignore them...everytime. Give the thoughts the "oh well". After therapy, your feelings towards God get all straightened out. You can't figure it out right now, and it does not help to try.

Christ is the author and perfector of your faith. He gave you your faith, He won't stop working on it. That's His promise. But you need to stop fretting about each thought. Let them come like a wave, then go on with your day....keeping as busy as possible. This must be done over and over. It will start to work. Talk with your doctor about it.

I pray the best for you. And yes, I've been right where you are.

 

[PilgrimsProgress]

Hi James,

I have been exactly in the same place as you are describing... and from time to time, it hits me again... but for the most part the Lord has really brought me out of it... and from this side of it, I can see that the fears that I were experiencing were total lies from the enemy... I honestly don't understand the way OCD works with spiritual warfare, but I really believe they go hand in hand... JayAngel's posts are always so helpful to me in seeing that... and that is the way I see it also...

I think I started to feel the "I don't even know if I care" feeling, because I was totally EXHAUSTED, mentally, physically, spiritually... and I just would pray that Jesus would hold onto me even though I had no more energy... I asked for prayer alot... and I think this really was one thing that got me through... I know some others here may have better advice to give you, but the one thing that I just want to say is please hang in there, keep calling on Jesus... one thing that I think the Lord showed me is that even though you think you have no faith at this time, call on Him anyway, that takes more faith then maybe it would take for someone who isn't feeling this way...

Have you read Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners... I was wondering if you knew John Bunyan's story... It really ministered to me alot and encouraged me, and I know Mitzi even referenced it recently... so I know i'm not the only one that was helped by it...

The other thing I think is important, is don't isolate yourself... when I'm alone that's when the lies hit the strongest....

I will be praying for you too!

In His grace,
Laura

 

[PilgrimsProgress]

oh one more thing i wanted to add... because I know how the "what if's" work... yes, my struggles with this lasted years also... I completely can relate... and even reading John Bunyan's book, I think his lasted years also... and appears to me like it never completely went away to the degree that the actual thoughts completely stopped (if I'm wrong someone please tell me... ) but accounts of some struggles he had even while preaching seem to indicate that this might have been an ongoing battle that he learned to stand against... and that's another thing that is helping me... but I think the first place to get to is that somehow you just need to get rest and take care of yourself physically so that you are not so exhausted and vulnerable to the attacks ... I would often think of how the Lord ministered to Elijah when he was running scared from Jezebel... the Lord first ministered to his physical needs... 1 KINGS 19... and then the Lord was able to eventually speak to him in that still small voice... the Lord used those scriptures to show me that I needed to just relax, try to get some rest, and just wait on Him... I know it is difficult when you feel like this, and maybe even as you are reading this you even have "Yeah, but mine is different in this or that aspect... etc."... but believe me, I know the Lord has not given up on you, He loves you.. I know that part for sure...