no proposal after 10 years

[tacdon]

Then you simply would not be the woman for me. I also don't want kids because the courts impose so much on the man and the women are largely not held accountable. If the woman wanted help raising the kid then she should stay with the man (unless genuine abuse can be proven in a court of law). Why should a man have to pay out for a relationship he no longer derives any benefit from unless he willingly left it without a good cause (good causing being sexual neglect) or if he was genuinely abusing his spouse.

I think a prenuptual agreement could be good and then don't have any kids. That is the ideal for me.

A man can father a child and then run away. A woman could have a one night stand and only know the man's first name and then never see him again. The woman then would be left with a baby and the man would have no resposiblity.

 

[JojotheBeloved]

Then you simply would not be the woman for me. I also don't want kids because the courts impose so much on the man and the women are largely not held accountable. If the woman wanted help raising the kid then she should stay with the man (unless genuine abuse can be proven in a court of law). Why should a man have to pay out for a relationship he no longer derives any benefit from unless he willingly left it without a good cause (good causing being sexual neglect) or if he was genuinely abusing his spouse.

I think a prenuptual agreement could be good and then don't have any kids. That is the ideal for me.

That's fine. Not everyone does want a marriage relationship. But people who don't want a marriage relationship need to own up to it, rather than stringing others along with empty promises they never intend to keep. This thread originated with something that sounds like one side wanted marriage, the other did not. That's fine. But the only solution I see to such a situation is to break up and move on, because neither side is getting or giving what they should.

Also, I vehemently disagree with your viewpoint on distribution of resources and such in a divorce and the necessity of prenuptual agreements in general (although maybe in some cases they are handy). However, I can agree to disagree, since this is not a debate thread.

 

[russianorth]

That's fine. Not everyone does want a marriage relationship. But people who don't want a marriage relationship need to own up to it, rather than stringing others along with empty promises they never intend to keep. This thread originated with something that sounds like one side wanted marriage, the other did not. That's fine. But the only solution I see to such a situation is to break up and move on, because neither side is getting or giving what they should.

Also, I vehemently disagree with your viewpoint on distribution of resources and such in a divorce and the necessity of prenuptual agreements in general (although maybe in some cases they are handy). However, I can agree to disagree, since this is not a debate thread.

So this is really the crux of the issue, because marriage is overwhelmingly in favor of women, why wouldn't most women want it?

It becomes a conundrum because SO many women want marriage/kids and there are far more men that could do without marriage or kids. The reason for the stringing along boils down to lack of options, plain and simple.

If there were enough women to go around that did not want kids or marriage then you would see less of this going on. Im not saying its right but its a tough situation to be in.

The feminist movement has created an antagonsitc social dynamic. It has removed almost all incentive for men to marry or have kids but yet women still overwhelmingly want it so as a man you either live in celibacy or you have to string someone along and most men are not going to live in celibacy.

This is what women wanted though.

 

[NINA84]

Thank you all for taking part in the discussion.

Some may ask why I want to marry a non believer. I was baptised only a year ago, and when we started going out almost 11 years ago together we were both unbelievers.

Considering distribution of ressources : I earn more than him, I am an eye surgeon at hospital. He's also a doctor, but still writing his thesis, which is compulsory here to get a job, so he doesn't work. He's 3 years older than me, so he should have been graduated before me, but he still isn't. I am the owner of my condominium, and work for 12 hours a day. When I get back home, often at 9 I still have to cook dinner. He only cleans the dishes, but doesn't pay the bills. He seems to have no will and to be very depressed. When I get back home earlier, he shouts at me asking why I never text him to say I am back.


I really don't know what he does all the day, as his work is not progressing at all.
He always want me to help him, I would definitely be able to do it, but I want him to do at least one thing by himself.

He benefits from my friends but has no friends himself.
Yesterday I had to go to my parents' as both my sister and father have just been diagnosed with cancer.
He texted me "I saw your girlfriend at the mall and she invited us" So I answered "will you go?" He said "yes".

I find it very awkward from him to go to my friends' without me, I feel like I shouldn't have introduced him. My friends like him a lot as he's funny, but my view is that he's a sad clown.

As time goes by, he acts more and more like a parasite. The worst thing is that he always asks for sex. He knows I am against sex outside marriage as it keeps me away from God's Will.

I am doing my best to help him, but it seems that he doesn't want.

I tried so many times to break up and to make him leave but he doesn't even move. I don't like to be a negative person but I have to tell him he's not acting like a man, I don't want to share my life with a weak and a will-free person. When it's too much and don't want to argue after work, I stay to sleep at hospital, which doesn't even bother him as he thinks I have a lot to do.

Last time his sister went to visit us, but I had an emergency call from my mother and had to leave. He said he was so happy he would spend the weekend just with his sister, but do they even realize it's my home???

2 weeks ago I was telling him how irresponsible and selfish his behaviour was. As an answer he slapped me in the face and then came back to apologize.

I really don't know how to make him leave. He has nowhere else to live, but I am really feeling helpless.

I talked about it to an older Christian friend at church, she proposed that her husband could meet him and have a talk with him, he said ok, but he didn't call back.

Some of my friends told me he was depressed, and he talks about suicide when we argue.

I did everything but he will neither marry me nor leave.

 

[NINA84]

So this is really the crux of the issue, because marriage is overwhelmingly in favor of women, why wouldn't most women want it?

To Russianorth.
I am a Christian and a catholic. I wouldn't build a family outside of marriage. As stupid as it may seem, it is a disaster for me to be living with a man without being married. Very few of my friends in their 30s are married even those who are christians.
I am not a zealous or enlightened new-born Christian. I think before I act.

I know that Jesus's teaching is the only way to the truth and peace. I have no fear of getting too old to get married. I have faith in Jesus.

The only reason why I want to get married is because I want to commit to God as well as to my husband. There's no economical consideration behind it.
I reject divorce as well, and wouldn't leave my husband, even through difficulties or disappointment.

Anyway I might be the one who would have to pay for spousal support (which I am already doing in some way)

I have the great chance to be educated and I enjoy my great autonomy. I can wait. I have faith in God. I know what I want in life. God didn't put these wills in my heart for nothing. I have no fear of sterility or being too old to get married. I just want to make the good choice and to be serving and honouring God through my choices.

 

[JojotheBeloved]

I find it very awkward from him to go to my friends' without me, I feel like I shouldn't have introduced him. My friends like him a lot as he's funny, but my view is that he's a sad clown.

As time goes by, he acts more and more like a parasite. The worst thing is that he always asks for sex. He knows I am against sex outside marriage as it keeps me away from God's Will.

I tried so many times to break up and to make him leave but he doesn't even move.

2 weeks ago I was telling him how irresponsible and selfish his behaviour was. As an answer he slapped me in the face and then came back to apologize.

I really don't know how to make him leave. He has nowhere else to live, but I am really feeling helpless.

Some of my friends told me he was depressed, and he talks about suicide when we argue.

I did everything but he will neither marry me nor leave.

I'm no expert, and I have not actually been in such a situation myself, but I have watched similar situations in my family in terms of a husband's bad behavior toward his wife, and I've heard about a similar situation from several friends of mine who did live through something similar in terms again of the man's behavior. What you just described in this particular post, sounds a lot like abuse. You could call the cops on him. If he's slapping you in the face and using suicide threats to manipulate you, than that's abusive behavior and there are resources to help you get away from him. If you really want him gone from your home, not only could you report him for abuse but you could also formally evict him from your property. I'm not sure how to do either of those, but I would guess consulting a lawyer might be in your best interests. It doesn't sound like he's going to leave on his own, and if he stays not only are you prevented from moving on but things could escalate even more and become seriously dangerous for both of you.

 

[Elliewaves]

I would call the cops and also consult with a lawyer (you may need to get a restraining order). It sounds like your relationship is over with and he is taking advantage of you and refusing to leave your property. Or, when he is out I would pack all his stuff, put it to the curb, and change the locks. And I would let my friends and family know what is going on, so that they can be a support for you and so that he can't manipulate them against you. There are better people to be with romantically than this guy. Do not marry him and do not continue to let him abuse you and walk all over you.

 

[russianorth]

I'm no expert, and I have not actually been in such a situation myself, but I have watched similar situations in my family in terms of a husband's bad behavior toward his wife, and I've heard about a similar situation from several friends of mine who did live through something similar in terms again of the man's behavior. What you just described in this particular post, sounds a lot like abuse. You could call the cops on him. If he's slapping you in the face and using suicide threats to manipulate you, than that's abusive behavior and there are resources to help you get away from him. If you really want him gone from your home, not only could you report him for abuse but you could also formally evict him from your property. I'm not sure how to do either of those, but I would guess consulting a lawyer might be in your best interests. It doesn't sound like he's going to leave on his own, and if he stays not only are you prevented from moving on but things could escalate even more and become seriously dangerous for both of you.

Who has title to the property or whos name is on the lease?

 

[PixieSunbelle]

It took ten years for my husband to marry me. Things just weren't feasible until now. He has a better paying job, although we are still unable to move out. We just realized that if we didn't right now then there might never be a right time.

I read through the entire thread. Obviously there are other issues besides it just taking so long to pop the question...

 

[NINA84]

what sort of issues do you see?

 

[~Beauty_from_Pain~]

Patience appears to be a strong quality of yours. You have given this person a lot of your life so I can see why this is so tough. Only you can determine what the right time is and what you need. Leaving someone is never easy, no matter how old we are. I think one of the hard things is letting go when the relationship is "ok" but it isn't "horrible" and so we are worried about "forever" being alone.

 

[Adelyn Woodcock]

10 years is long enough to know what you want in life. You know what's yours, how about him. Give him a final ultimatum. If marriage is it that you want, and he still does not consider it,maybe 10 years is really long enough.