Do you know what its like? To endure longsuffering for the sake of faith? Yes you do, and we both know its not compared to joy that comes with it. But have you done it alone? Have you been blinded by the Lord? I hope to God that you haven't. But tonight I wish to share my story, for I have finally been awakened! I can see once again, as if in my childhood again! And I am NOT alone anymore!
I am not going to give a testimony of how God spoke to me, and how I have had blind faith, or how I was saved by the church. But rather, I was blinded and striped of all my love. As I have explained to almost every church I have entered within my lifetime starting in my teenage years, I stumble around hoping the Lord will catch me and take me where I should go. As a child I was very intelligent and had a great memory, but at a certain age I lost it all. I lost my life, my time, my memory, my love, my power, my guile.
You see, I was not ok with people telling me what to believe, and I found the idea of Jesus Christ completely absurd. I believed in God, but not Jesus. I was kicked out of MANY churches for destroying peoples faith. I couldn't stand watching someone else be happy, for I was not satisfied, so I "killed" them. I destroyed their beliefs, made them doubt everything they knew, and tore apart families. I was a messenger of chaos, set out to destroy all happiness around me. And I was damn good at it too!
Well, shortly after yelling at my debate teacher and convincing her to quit, I was put to a stop. I was confident in myself, I had what I wanted, and I was very prosperous, and then the worst thing happened. God took the "love of my life" away from me and turned her against me. I lost everything that was important to me. Though before this I had not read the Bible, I was very knowledgeable of its teachings and ways. I knew God was real, but then I didnt know anything! God put me to sleep, or blinded me! I looked everywhere to fill the empty gap in my heart, but to no good. I learned how to play guitar and write music.
I completely turned from the church, which did not want me. I didnt want them either to be fair, it just wasnt fair that they got to be happy and I had to live the life I did. (My life wasnt horrible, but I was exposed to too much early on and my parents were not ready for me at the beginning). My mom is a very odd woman, she is a ballet teacher to preschool girls at a community center, and she is the one who raised me. So I ended up MUCH different that everyone else (still am). The church goers would say things like, "You should go to church and find Jesus, he will forgive you." and I would say things like, "You yourself dont even know Jesus! How could you tell me what to do when you go out and party every night! You are worthless and a waste, not only in society, but your a waste in the church! Go take up space somewhere else!"
Well, when I got this particularly bad, I started talking to myself and seeing this guy every once in a while. Just a still image, never moved or anything and it was just in the corner of my eye. He replaced God for me, and I am finally free of him, but he was with me for MANY years! Whenever I got worked up, I would started talking outloud saying, "What are you doing?! Why are you so stressed out?! You have a test? GET YOUR ASS UP THERE AND DO IT!" And this "spirit" would even answer questions for me that I didnt know on my homework! He was an imitation of the Holy Spirit and his name was Michael.
See, Michael was REALLY smart! He knew the ways of this world perfectly and it was because of him (after I was blinded) I was able to survive in this world. He ALWAYS knew when I was being watched, so I stole food all the time! (even though I had money) He knew how to manipulate people, he could get anything he wanted, but I began to hate him and it got worse..
Long story short, I became a blind, drunk, babbling, paranoid, crazy, fool. Jesus came to me while I was begging him to reveal Himself. You can read my prayer on the ,"Am I not called like the rest?" blog. He had revealed to me what I was doing to His people and myself. He asked me why I was doing it (in my heart) and I said, "Because its not fair! you know I need proof and yet you refuse to give it to me! I thought you loved me! Why should they have happiness!?"
I then collapsed, I dont really know how to explain it.. It's like he placed the instructions of what I needed to do on my heart, and I began to have visions of a City (another blog, which I have come to recognize as a parable) But Michael was still with me.. ever since this experience, I have been wandering around TRYING to find God's path before me, but Michael keeps taking me off of it and I get chastened.. I have remained "blind" and confused and angry up until 3 days ago.
I have been trying to find my place in the Body of Christ for a little under a year now (thats how long its been since Jesus came to me) and have been desprately trying to teach people what NOT to do like I have. This is what has caused many people to view me as false, because I was walking in the shadows stumbling like a drunken fool, waiting for someone to wake me up.
Well, I gave up on that and have been trying to "wake" others up. My "closest follower" has been a challenge for sure, and I have learned a lot from her, and been harmed by her aswell. Well, she recently had an awakening moment:
"I dont quite know what to make of it exactly, but I feel like God has used her to teach me the difference between the light and the dark. She is the first person I "mentor" that has lost her sense of confusion. Her family members are getting better (from sickness) her unknown headache that doctors cant figure out is now gone, I mean its kinda ridiculous! I truely have witnessed the transformation possible through Christ alone.
I was at the park with my friend who had just a couple days ago "saw" Jesus with her heart and has changed completely in her behavior and attitude to the point where people ask her if she is on drugs. This experience she had was brought on by me confronting her with her sins heavily one night and she began to cry and pray and then collapsed on the floor then felt like she was being filled.
She has recently been plagued by demons and disease all around her, and I kept pushing her to keep walking with Christ no matter how hard it gets and she thought she was going to die from it but continued anyways. Well, anyways the children that plague her showed up again last night (IRL) and instead of being afraid like she usually is and telling them to leave and stuff she said, "I will pray for you" and then they disappeared. She has said this before but it wasnt til her "experience" that it worked. Anyways, she has been kind to her parents who are really mean to her and they had dreams that their daughter (her) came home and have been really nice to her and they are getting along great.
Anywho, we were reading the Bible in the park, I was teaching her of the Apostle Paul and reading her the chapters, when she "zoned out" and sent this message to me.
"See me as your true light for I have put you in darkness to make you blind so that when something truly majestic is in your path you will open your eyes unto the Lord and be born again."
She told me to read it with really wide eyes and said, "Oh my God! I'm shaking uncontrollably!" and she WAS trembling. Then we smelt flowers (my car is pretty much a dumpster) and I told her to read a parable while I took her to her BF's house and I thought to myself, "See me as your true light" and just then I "felt" this warm light radiating from her as she read and when I looked at the road, 2 deer pranced across and ran across a field. "
Immediately, I felt awake! I knew what was going on around me, I knew who I was, I knew I wasnt alone! Im AWAKE!!! Im no longer a dead man walking, but I'm ALIVE! I can feel again, I can see again, Im not confused anymore, Michael is GONE, I have confidence, and Im MOST GRATEFUL!! Praise be to the Father, who has redeemed me and given me my "sight" back!
I am not going to give a testimony of how God spoke to me, and how I have had blind faith, or how I was saved by the church. But rather, I was blinded and striped of all my love. As I have explained to almost every church I have entered within my lifetime starting in my teenage years, I stumble around hoping the Lord will catch me and take me where I should go. As a child I was very intelligent and had a great memory, but at a certain age I lost it all. I lost my life, my time, my memory, my love, my power, my guile.
You see, I was not ok with people telling me what to believe, and I found the idea of Jesus Christ completely absurd. I believed in God, but not Jesus. I was kicked out of MANY churches for destroying peoples faith. I couldn't stand watching someone else be happy, for I was not satisfied, so I "killed" them. I destroyed their beliefs, made them doubt everything they knew, and tore apart families. I was a messenger of chaos, set out to destroy all happiness around me. And I was damn good at it too!
Well, shortly after yelling at my debate teacher and convincing her to quit, I was put to a stop. I was confident in myself, I had what I wanted, and I was very prosperous, and then the worst thing happened. God took the "love of my life" away from me and turned her against me. I lost everything that was important to me. Though before this I had not read the Bible, I was very knowledgeable of its teachings and ways. I knew God was real, but then I didnt know anything! God put me to sleep, or blinded me! I looked everywhere to fill the empty gap in my heart, but to no good. I learned how to play guitar and write music.
I completely turned from the church, which did not want me. I didnt want them either to be fair, it just wasnt fair that they got to be happy and I had to live the life I did. (My life wasnt horrible, but I was exposed to too much early on and my parents were not ready for me at the beginning). My mom is a very odd woman, she is a ballet teacher to preschool girls at a community center, and she is the one who raised me. So I ended up MUCH different that everyone else (still am). The church goers would say things like, "You should go to church and find Jesus, he will forgive you." and I would say things like, "You yourself dont even know Jesus! How could you tell me what to do when you go out and party every night! You are worthless and a waste, not only in society, but your a waste in the church! Go take up space somewhere else!"
Well, when I got this particularly bad, I started talking to myself and seeing this guy every once in a while. Just a still image, never moved or anything and it was just in the corner of my eye. He replaced God for me, and I am finally free of him, but he was with me for MANY years! Whenever I got worked up, I would started talking outloud saying, "What are you doing?! Why are you so stressed out?! You have a test? GET YOUR ASS UP THERE AND DO IT!" And this "spirit" would even answer questions for me that I didnt know on my homework! He was an imitation of the Holy Spirit and his name was Michael.
See, Michael was REALLY smart! He knew the ways of this world perfectly and it was because of him (after I was blinded) I was able to survive in this world. He ALWAYS knew when I was being watched, so I stole food all the time! (even though I had money) He knew how to manipulate people, he could get anything he wanted, but I began to hate him and it got worse..
Long story short, I became a blind, drunk, babbling, paranoid, crazy, fool. Jesus came to me while I was begging him to reveal Himself. You can read my prayer on the ,"Am I not called like the rest?" blog. He had revealed to me what I was doing to His people and myself. He asked me why I was doing it (in my heart) and I said, "Because its not fair! you know I need proof and yet you refuse to give it to me! I thought you loved me! Why should they have happiness!?"
I then collapsed, I dont really know how to explain it.. It's like he placed the instructions of what I needed to do on my heart, and I began to have visions of a City (another blog, which I have come to recognize as a parable) But Michael was still with me.. ever since this experience, I have been wandering around TRYING to find God's path before me, but Michael keeps taking me off of it and I get chastened.. I have remained "blind" and confused and angry up until 3 days ago.
I have been trying to find my place in the Body of Christ for a little under a year now (thats how long its been since Jesus came to me) and have been desprately trying to teach people what NOT to do like I have. This is what has caused many people to view me as false, because I was walking in the shadows stumbling like a drunken fool, waiting for someone to wake me up.
Well, I gave up on that and have been trying to "wake" others up. My "closest follower" has been a challenge for sure, and I have learned a lot from her, and been harmed by her aswell. Well, she recently had an awakening moment:
"I dont quite know what to make of it exactly, but I feel like God has used her to teach me the difference between the light and the dark. She is the first person I "mentor" that has lost her sense of confusion. Her family members are getting better (from sickness) her unknown headache that doctors cant figure out is now gone, I mean its kinda ridiculous! I truely have witnessed the transformation possible through Christ alone.
I was at the park with my friend who had just a couple days ago "saw" Jesus with her heart and has changed completely in her behavior and attitude to the point where people ask her if she is on drugs. This experience she had was brought on by me confronting her with her sins heavily one night and she began to cry and pray and then collapsed on the floor then felt like she was being filled.
She has recently been plagued by demons and disease all around her, and I kept pushing her to keep walking with Christ no matter how hard it gets and she thought she was going to die from it but continued anyways. Well, anyways the children that plague her showed up again last night (IRL) and instead of being afraid like she usually is and telling them to leave and stuff she said, "I will pray for you" and then they disappeared. She has said this before but it wasnt til her "experience" that it worked. Anyways, she has been kind to her parents who are really mean to her and they had dreams that their daughter (her) came home and have been really nice to her and they are getting along great.
Anywho, we were reading the Bible in the park, I was teaching her of the Apostle Paul and reading her the chapters, when she "zoned out" and sent this message to me.
"See me as your true light for I have put you in darkness to make you blind so that when something truly majestic is in your path you will open your eyes unto the Lord and be born again."
She told me to read it with really wide eyes and said, "Oh my God! I'm shaking uncontrollably!" and she WAS trembling. Then we smelt flowers (my car is pretty much a dumpster) and I told her to read a parable while I took her to her BF's house and I thought to myself, "See me as your true light" and just then I "felt" this warm light radiating from her as she read and when I looked at the road, 2 deer pranced across and ran across a field. "
Immediately, I felt awake! I knew what was going on around me, I knew who I was, I knew I wasnt alone! Im AWAKE!!! Im no longer a dead man walking, but I'm ALIVE! I can feel again, I can see again, Im not confused anymore, Michael is GONE, I have confidence, and Im MOST GRATEFUL!! Praise be to the Father, who has redeemed me and given me my "sight" back!
