Well I had read the gosspels and tried to practice some of the teachings, and as an athiset thought id really love enemies and turn the other cheek, to prove christianity was false, with my face and guts. No lols please, literal pacifism hurts. Then I had a "nervous breakthrough" and big mystical experience, after finally bereaking down and praying due to life distress. I was covinced of Christianity for a while, but then (after some years) , after bing baptised Catholic, I became disenchanted. The "mass" (god beless em) can be inspiring, but also boring. Also I found a lot of the churches wer e about worldy success, or whos got what job etc. Thats not how I view the gospels. I still believe in a a section, generally speaking, like matthew 6 and the beatitudes, but I am Muslim now so my theology differs slightly. I think maybe part of the vibe is that I am not so successful and strong a player in the world, no job wife or kids. I am not that fudssed about it really, to much work and too little payback. We may win the world in the west, but its hard to find people with soul. So I am by default, or compelled in some way, towards the next life.