Newlywed Regret

[seekerofhope]

I am only a month into married life and I am filled with regret. We got married on our 2 year anniversary after a year long engagement. Our relationship was filled with arguments prior to marriage but when I confided in those I trust they told me it was just me who thought it was wrong. I suffer from depression, anxiety & PMDD, this leads me to focusing on negatives and jumping the gun and running from things. I often ask those I trust to tell me if it is my depression/PMDD or if its a real life concern. A lot of times my emotions are heightened when it is getting close to that time. Those closest to me say they can see how much we love each other but it just doesn't feel that way. This isn't the life I pictured. I wasn't happy with the way things turned out on at our wedding and I feel like its because I'm not happy with who I married. I don't look forward to being home with him, most times I would rather go hang out with my friends. I don't feel a spark when it comes to intimacy and I haven't in a while. During the week we spend about 20 minutes together at most. I always pictured myself spending so much time with my husband and doing things after work, this is not how things are. I try and talk with him about my feelings and he says we will work towards changing things but nothing ever changes. My best friend just informed me of a conversation she had with an old friend of mine who told her that he didn't think my husband was right for me, that he always pictured me marrying someone who was my best friend, someone similar to me and that my husband is the complete opposite. He said he doesn't see me having fun and enjoying life with my husband, and I am starting to agree. Please someone help me! Is it worth trying to save this marriage or should we look into an annulment.

 

[Darkhorse]

Here comes a predictable question: are you seeing anyone for therapy?

I would expect it might be difficult, unless you have good medical insurance or some other means (college counselor, etc.), but you and he both need help to work through this. It sounds like everything is slanted against you right now.

Counseling isn't a miracle cure, but your age and circumstances are working against you, and you two really need some first-aid NOW to have much of a chance.

How about the pastor of your church?

 

[seekerofhope]

Here comes a predictable question: are you seeing anyone for therapy?

I would expect it might be difficult, unless you have good medical insurance or some other means (college counselor, etc.), but you and he both need help to work through this. It sounds like everything is slanted against you right now.

Counseling isn't a miracle cure, but your age and circumstances are working against you, and you two really need some first-aid NOW to have much of a chance.

How about the pastor of your church?

I am not, I was seeing a therapist prior to the start of our relationship. He is not comfortable seeing anyone until I go because he feels that my emotions not being sorted out is a large part of the problem. I would love to go to the pastor at church, however I have a hard time getting him to go to church with me.

 

[Darkhorse]

Maybe you can resume with the same therapist?
Or another one that he will go to?

Or maybe he is willing to see your pastor with you?

If he isn't willing to make a minimal effort to help, your marriage has no future. Sorry, that may sound harsh, but life gets a LOT tougher than this.

 

[seekerofhope]

Maybe you can resume with the same therapist?
Or another one that he will go to?

Or maybe he is willing to see your pastor with you?

If he isn't willing to make a minimal effort to help, your marriage has no future. Sorry, that may sound harsh, but life gets a LOT tougher than this.

I think I am going to try and get in with my old therapist and maybe he can do some sessions with me. He always offers but then things fall through. Prayers that we can work through it! Thank you for your advice!

 

[Northern Star]

Is your husband a Christian? I think a lot of newlyweds feel like you. It can be stressful in the beginning and a lot of people picture marriage very differently than how it ends up being in reality, not that I'm saying what you're dealing with right now is just fine. I don't believe in annulments, so I wouldn't recommend that route. You made marriage vows to your husband and I think you should do your best to honor those. Personally, I don't think it's a good idea to hang around people who might encourage negative thoughts about your marriage. That's really sad to hear you spend such little time alone with your husband. I'd definitely recommend planning more time together. Do whatever is necessary to make that happen, and he should be willing to sacrifice some time away from other things to make time for you too, it shouldn't all just be on you. I think realizing the importance of your vows and making spending time together and creating intimacy between you two a top priority will go a long way to helping things get better for you. I'm praying for you.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

Did you feel during those two years before marrying any doubts? How bad were the fights? Were they like every week? All that would make a difference on me marrying someone. But since your already married not much you can do about that currently. Also how old are you two if you don't mind me asking? I'd add you mention what your friends think alot. And friends can be helpful, but sometimes they can also make things worse. I've seen to many people listen to their friends and make big mistakes.

I suffer from depression, anxiety & PMDD, this leads me to focusing on negatives and jumping the gun and running from things.

If this is the case technically maybe it could be your jumping the gun/running away with this too? I mean I don't know your marriage of course but its not an easy thing to do. Theres alot to get used to/work out. It can be scary. My wife and I had ALOT of arguments for the first year or so. Its way better now and we don't argue much at all.

What did you picture marriage as before you married? I ask because often young people have a false idea of what marriage is like because of romantic books, movies, tv shows...etc. They often picture the typical "Happily ever after!" where life is perfect and stress free. I've seen a few go into marriage thinking its how it was and then they left the person and tried to find someone else thinking the medias portrayal of marriage was a real thing they could achieve. I'd also ask what was his view of what a marriage would be?

I don't look forward to being home with him, most times I would rather go hang out with my friends. During the week we spend about 20 minutes together at most. I always pictured myself spending so much time with my husband and doing things after work, this is not how things are.

What goes on that you spend so little time together? Does he play video games all day? We spent every second together when we first married. But overtime its slowed down. She has dramas she likes to watch and I like watching youtube/being on here. In our case its fine, we line having that time to do things. And we do spend time together of course. Maybe watch a movie, a tv show. Eat together..etc.

Tell him you want to spend more time together. Because he needs to remember if he wants to live like hes still single, then he should have stayed single. Hes married now which means hes accepted its not alot about him anymore. You can't have the old lifestyle you used to. It took both of us a bit of time to adjust to changing our lifestyle so we had more time together. Shes spends less time on social media, less time on her phone for example. I spend less time watching things, playing games...etc. You have to make time together or the spark starts to fade away.

I try and talk with him about my feelings and he says we will work towards changing things but nothing ever changes.

Is he mad when he talks to you? Or does he just sort of say yes so everything so the conversation can end? I know changing is not always an easy thing. My wife can be stubborn at times and I don't expect her to change overnight. But to be fair I also don't expect her to change at all. When you marry you sometimes are stuck realizing you can't change people. No one you marry will every be perfect, there will always be things that you don't like but are probably stuck with. Like my wifes random sleep schedule that messes up mine. Or her being a bit less hygenic then me...etc

Is it worth trying to save this marriage or should we look into an annulment.

I wouldn't give up on things yet. Its to early on.

I am not, I was seeing a therapist prior to the start of our relationship. He is not comfortable seeing anyone until I go because he feels that my emotions not being sorted out is a large part of the problem. I would love to go to the pastor at church, however I have a hard time getting him to go to church with me.

Was he ok with the issues you had before you married? I told my wife the health issues I had and it did make her nervous at first but she said she accepted them. Maybe hes not dealing with things well? You both need to see a marriage counselor. I agree to about getting some therapy, maybe with what you have is causing you issues. BTW I'm not saying its all you or your fault. But some issues like anxiety, depression, PMDD...etc can make us harder to live with. I say us again because I have my own issues and I know sometimes its hard for my wife. She knows I don't act how I do on purpose. Again he to plays a part in this.

If he won't see anyone with you maybe give him a ultimatum. Like "I love you but if this marriage is going to work we need to see someone together as a couple to sort everything out! I can't deal with this much longer. If you don't want to go with me then maybe you (or I) should move out for now and take some time to figure things out.". By move out I don't mean divorce. I mean literally just moving out so you each have your own room to figure things out. And if it goes down that route you can see a therapist and maybe a pastor to at least see what their opinion is.

Lastly, and you do not have to answer this if its to personal. While its only been a month, is your "intimacy" life ok? Everyone has diffdifferentves of course but if that dies off and the couple is doing pretty much nothing, it can affect your marriage alot.

 

[Big Drew]

I agree with Dark Horse.

You both have to be willing and want to make this work. If either of you try to go it alone it's going to fail...and I speak from experience. My ex-wife and I were together about 8 years before we really started having problems, but then they showed up...I didn't say anything for a while, but then I started talking to her about the issues we were having, and suggested counseling...she wanted no part of it, and it was basically like when I said we have some things we need to fix she saw this as her exit, and she left, and almost immediately moved in with another man...so there was more going on there than I knew at the time...but....

You guys are going to not only have to talk to one another about what's going on, but also with your pastor or a Christian marriage counselor if there is any chance for survival.

 

[jameseb]

/subscribing for tips and advice as well.