Newbie needs help with BPD daughter

[Skymarie]

I am 64, my daughter is 43 and she has not been diagnosed but fits many descriptions of this disorder. I finally got some peace by reading "Stop Walking on Eggshells" which helped explain much of the confusion and pain. She has no idea she is sick, far as I know. We have been estranged for one year now and my mom (94 yrs old) is pushing for reconciliation.

My daughter lives with my mom and dad. She is using them for housing, food, car, insurance, etc. She has a son, 7, is unmarried. We are estranged due to my husband (her stepDad who raised her) and her had a huge fight and that was that. I guess my question is, what can I do to equip myself to not become "tar-babied" or tripped up, is there any expectation that I can legitimately have as an outcome? I am praying for her, have been for a long time, she has been ugly, hateful, absent, rejecting you know the deal. No, she is not a Christian, is openly hostile to the gospel and to Jesus. Do I have reason to hope? Would love to talk with someone to help me sort out my emotions and my upcoming meeting with her, probably next week after a very long time of no contact. I'm scared! And so is she. We've been texting, just a little bit and both have confessed that we are both scared.

 

[kinsey]

I am really not sure.....I just had an imagine in my head though...of God arms outstretched and smiling......

I think if it is BPD....then your daughter experiences turbulent emotions and has a lot of difficult dealing with them/expressing them and handling them....which might account for the anger/hostility etc....and other behaviours you might see as destructive. So it might help to go to the meeting seeing your self as separate from her behaviour....so it doesn't upset you and you don't feel like she is being like that on purpose directing it at you...because that might not be the case.

If she is going to the meeting It sounds like she also wants to reconcile.....

I was trying to think what I would do if it was my daughter....and I thought sofly softly...(my sister doesn't speak to me and if she wanted to reconcile I'd be there - I don't think I'd bring up why she cut me off - I'd be so happy she wanted to see me againi).....be gentle, listen, I'd probably hang back telling her more about Jesus....but keep praying....we don't know what work He will be doing in her. I think listening will be important and trying not to judge...we can often see in our children/family all the ways 'we' think others should be doing to help themselves etc....but maybe hang back from that. I suppose it's a case of talking each minute of the meeting as it comes.....maybe it will take more than one meeting and not everything will be sorted out in the first meeting...but I think you still have hope.....I can imagine that you have been very hurt yourself by the reasons why you separated, so it must be very difficult.

I'm not sure I've been any help, but please do let us know how you get on, and I'll say a prayer for you both as well.

 

[Skymarie]

Awesome response Kinsey, yes you have been very helpful yes! I, too, can see Jesus loving her (in spite of) as He loves me (in spite of) and that I need to express grace in spite of my massive fear of her and the unpredictability of her behavior. My husband is more detached than me and he is able to give me good counsel too. He said much the same thing as you about not bringing up anything from the past. Nothing is set up for a meeting yet but we are talking about it. Her Grampa is going to be coming to a rehab hospital near where we live so perhaps we can arrange something as the logistics for it seem to be coming together on their own. IT's complicated as I have been rejected by others in the family also, my brother is especially hateful so I can't see myself inserting myself into the grouping "as if" everything were "normal" if you know what I mean. Yes, my 50s brother lives with my parents as does my daughter and her young son. My parents are 94 and 91. They live 100 miles from me. Thanks for in put. Are you British?

 

[bhsmte]

I am 64, my daughter is 43 and she has not been diagnosed but fits many descriptions of this disorder. I finally got some peace by reading "Stop Walking on Eggshells" which helped explain much of the confusion and pain. She has no idea she is sick, far as I know. We have been estranged for one year now and my mom (94 yrs old) is pushing for reconciliation.

My daughter lives with my mom and dad. She is using them for housing, food, car, insurance, etc. She has a son, 7, is unmarried. We are estranged due to my husband (her stepDad who raised her) and her had a huge fight and that was that. I guess my question is, what can I do to equip myself to not become "tar-babied" or tripped up, is there any expectation that I can legitimately have as an outcome? I am praying for her, have been for a long time, she has been ugly, hateful, absent, rejecting you know the deal. No, she is not a Christian, is openly hostile to the gospel and to Jesus. Do I have reason to hope? Would love to talk with someone to help me sort out my emotions and my upcoming meeting with her, probably next week after a very long time of no contact. I'm scared! And so is she. We've been texting, just a little bit and both have confessed that we are both scared.

From my experience in dealing with an ex with BPD, I would recommend just meeting with her first and see how that goes. In that meeting, listen to what she has to say, but also be willing to set healthy boundaries (don't let her run over you), as I am sure you learned from reading; walking on egg shells, which is an excellent book. Folks with BPD often claim they have no issues and refuse any treatment for their condition, or to even be evaluated by a psychologist. If this is the case, it will be an uphill climb, because folks that truly have BPD, need therapy from a psychologist that has experience dealing with the disorder to have any realistic chance of improving their condition.

One step at a time.

 

[Skymarie]

Thank you. Confirms some other things I'm thinking. I'm letting go expectations and just praying about being as loving as I can be without getting "tripped up" by confusing messages. Baby steps. Thanks bunches, appreciate your note. Uphill climb indeed.

 

[kinsey]

Hi, yes I am British.....I'm glad it was helpful.....bhsmte makes a really good point about boundaries as well......I shall keep praying...do let us know how it goes....I'm sorry to hear about your brother rejecting you too.....that does complicate things further....I really hope that things will work out..xx

 

[Skymarie]

Update:
this past week has been dealing with my Dad (91) had a stroke and he's in rehab, lots of interaction between family members who don't really have much relationship. During all this my mom's pushing for reconciliation with BPD daughter. I have been taking it very very slow, we actually have exchanged one email and several texts. End of the week last week, she told me she was going to be coming to visit Dad (2 hours from where she lives with my parents) and I was prayerfully considering meeting with her maybe over there for lunch. We had agreed to "take this slow" and establish something in email before meeting in person. But that never materialized even after my invitation. I texted her updates about Dad as I was able to visit him and for one day she engaged with me.

Then, 2 days ago I texted her to establish her schedule for the week, what she intends to do, and I think this was maybe a mistake but I asked her to do something for her Grampa (he needs his nails done). After asking her to do that, she "blacked out" meaning I've heard nothing from her. (2 days now) Monday she told me she was coming this way Wednesday, never showed and never let me know. So we're in this "black out" thing she does, where she'll disengage and trust me, if I ask her about it, she goes into a rage and then it becomes "it's YOOOOU!" she will lament. Holding her accountable to anything at all means huge emotional repercussions.

To add to my life of woes right now, I have recently discovered that my parents are running out of money due to my brother and my daughter's freeloading off these old people. yes, I am tempted to fall apart trust me but am praying for the power to detach from all this. Frankly I cannot do it however I must.

My Dad is not getting better- he may not graduate from rehab but rather head into what they call "palliative care" This we don't know for sure yet but that's what its looking like. I don't make healthcare decisions for him and those who do (my brother who is leeching off them) and my mom who is 94 and not well herself - these decisions are not sound but I cannot add my perspective as they all move into attack mode (and I am a retired geriatric nurse with years of experience) so I can see the future in a way that those without experience cannot.

This is without a doubt my life's greatest challenge and it's coming at a time when my personal life is in crisis too. If you who might read this, would just pray for me and our family, that is enough. God is my strength and my portion and I will trust in Him through Jesus Christ my Lord and he's the One who creates the curriculum for our lives, does He not. So we can trust that He knows what He's doing, eh? No I don't "feel" like I can make it through this but that's just the lies of the enemy who is very very real. But he's been defeated at the cross of Jesus through the blood and the love of His propitiation for the sin of all mankind. To God Be the Glory!

 

[kinsey]

oh golly what an awful week you have had. I am really very sorry to hear this. it is such a stressful time. I am very inspired by your faith, in all this you can trust God.

I have just said a prayer for you all, and I really hope that everything will work out to God's glory.

I'm sorry I rubbish knowing the right things to say. So I'll keep praying.

With love

 

[Skymarie]

Hi Kinsey. How's it going with you? I continue to stand in faith, by grace. IT has gotten way worse.Dad's condition has basically plateau'd meaning he's probably not going to get back to normal. He's in a nursing home now close to his home. Brother, BPD daughter and my mom are able to visit him frequently. As for my daughter and her willingness to reconcile with me, I now see it as probably a trap. My mom, bless her heart, means well and wants everybody to "get along" and all that but daughter doesnt really want it. She stopped communicating with me and freaked out when we were going to have a family meeting to discuss with the hospital, what Dad's wishes would be (advance directives). She tried to manipulate, pulling a drama number but nobody would "bite" and she ended up being "uninvited" to the meeting.

so now I'm in one of those who knows how long this silence will last periods. I had tried to work through a one on one with her and that probably was way too scary for her. Which is why I had suggested we email first and take it slow. Even that was too much. It's a heart issue. She just doesn't DESIRE to work it out with us. I cannot make her desire it.

Thanks for listening.

 

[Skymarie]

There is power in learning how to erect proper boundaries AND learning the emotional skill of detaching with love. God is good to be teaching me these skills. I'm not "there" yet but wanted to share with everyone that God does not require us to sacrifice our well-being on the altar of biological family, no matter what the majority of people say. We should not have a "Focus on the Family" at all, rather, Jesus tells us that because of our 2nd birth, we now have a different definition of who our family is. Our focus now has changed from the way of the heathen to a totally new way and new Master. Check it out.....Matthew 12:46-50, Luke 8:19-21 and Mark 3:31-34. Christianity as Jesus taught it is this radical belief system that alienates us from parents and siblings and give us NEW siblings and mothers and spiritual fathers......but it takes REVELATION from the Holy spirit to understand these hard things. And it takes gutts.

Our siblings are those with whom we share the same Father.

Is this painful? Oh yah. But still, I AM blessed as I am IN HIM.

 

[kinsey]

Thankyouv for posting that...it's a good thing to remember....x

 

[Skymarie]

BPD daughter moving out of parents house - a good thing. Haven't confirmed it yet but supposedly happening today. Recently discovered she's been a druggie for probably 20 years, guess I've been on the koolaid. I knew "things" didn't add up here and there just thought - well, deceived myself. Now it seems lke it was probably meth, opiates and now suboxone. She's 95 pounds (5'4) lost all her teeth, has dentures that look pretty goofy and other behaviors confirming something terribly wrong.

The pain is enormous and I don't know how to feel, what to do with this and how to interact with the other family members who are in various stages of denial .

I was wondering how you are and now i'm going on about me. It's one day at a time and I will be looking for a Coda meeting this week. NEed some support, insight and sanity. I've pretty much been at bottom.

Maybe Nar-Anon? Not sure, do you know anything about the differences between these 2 12 steps groups? I do know Coda but never tried Nar-Anon (didn't know I had an addict daughter). Also have alcoholic sister but she lives pretty far away and don't have much contact. I know I need God's strength, wisdom and power to do any of this.

 

[kinsey]

oh golly I'm so sorry to hear this...what an awful shock you must have had, and feeling helpless and I can't even imagine the pain you must feel.
I don't know anything about the different programmes, I've only heard of nar-anon. I came upon the 12 step programme when my husnad was alcoholic....I didn't go myself...but reading about it.....helped me realise what I was and was not responsible for in him.

You sound to have an amazing strength and belief in God.

I'm not so good.....I'm waiting psychotherapy assessment.....but I'm all over the place. I have no faith in God and don't ever want to go back to church ever. I spoke to the vicar who said that God loves me....and no but on the end. I haven't heard that before. I don't believe it. I struggle to navigate this world the way I am. I'm not the same as others...I tried internet dating but that's ended badly, and I feel used. I know I'm not supposed to do the things I did...but it was the only way I could get a cuddle....I posted elsewhere on here today. It hasn't been a good day at all.

I'm not diagnosed....just waiting to get an assessment, I'm not manipulative and I try so hard to tell everyone that I'm ok...as I don't want anyone knowing how bad I feel on a really bad day like today. (I self harm)...and don't think I'm loading you with that - I'm not - I have mental health support only a phone call away 24hours a day and I ring.

Take care, please let me know how you get on...and I will offer up a little prayer - I have no problems seeing how God cares for you and your situation. I just can't bleive it for myself...xxxx