Newbie Here

[newfielove]

Hi everyone...

I just wanted to introduce myself, and I'm glad to find a forum with Christians dealing with OCD.
I have not been officially diagnosed, but I am going to see a specialist on Monday 3/22 to talk about my background etc. I almost lost it on the phone today while making the appt.
I am 39...I think I've been dealing with OCD for a LONG time, lol. My parents divorced when I was 15 and I obsessed big time with my first boyfriend at 16. He was the only good thing in my life at the time. I was saved at 17 and then he broke up with me! But that was a good thing....
After college, I hit a brick wall. I fell into a huge depression. When I started Christian counseling, I was seeing a female counselor. Out of nowhere, I was blindsided by sexual thoughts involving her. I felt like I was disconnected from my body, my life, my friends, everything as I knew it. I repeated the same prayer over and over until I found some relief from the anxiety. That lasted a few months, and then it resurfaced when I had a new job where my boss was a lesbian. I was scared to talk to her, be around her, for fear she would hit on me, or that I would become attracted to her. I should preface this by saying up until the counseling sessions, I never questioned or doubted being straight, had crushes on guys in high school and college, and was seriously considering getting married. Then all of this mess happened.
I did get married, and I think my OCD spiraled over to cleaning (to maintain control in a loveless marriage). I've been divorced for almost four years now, and for the last 2 years, the OCD has come back around to target me struggling with the gay thoughts again. Now it has gotten so bad, that if I even think someone is gay, I am afraid to associate with them for fear that in itself makes me gay, and I'm scared of becoming attracted to lesbians. I was on the phone today with a woman who just sounded gay, and I obsessed over finding out if she was. I'm already scared I would be attracted to her if I met her.
I don't get where all this is coming from. I just feel so debilitated. This is affecting my ability to work, concentrate, focus, etc. It's definitely hurting my relationship with God, because I feel so filthy and dirty. I feel like I am full of sin and muck, like it literally is living in my body and I can do nothing to expel it. I want to be pure, holy, righteous, and have a mind free of all these thoughts. I just fear it will be part of my life forever, and I will not realize my dream of a godly husband and godly marriage.
Thank you for reading....I am going to keep fighting but sometimes I wonder if there is a victory coming.

 

[gracealone]

HI Newfie,
You've certainly come to the right place for support. These unwanted and instrusive thoughts you are having would be considered a classic case of OCD. I know that doesn't minimize the distress they are causing you but it's good your're going in to see a specialist because the first step to managing OCD is understanding that you have a real disorder. OCD attacks in all sorts of areas of our life but usually it will draw on those things which are immensely important to us.
A lot of Christians with OCD will have these unwanted, horrrible thoughts in their heads with themes that they find distressing, disgusting and gut wrenching.
Then the person with OCD begins to try and do anything and everything they can to try and gain some measure of reassurance that the thoughts aren't true. But all that intense focus on them tricks the brain in to putting them in a prominent place of priority and that makes the OCD'er think of them all the more. It's a vicious cycle but it can be interrupted and you can train your brain to become desensitized to them.
You are'nt alone in this. There's lots of help available for the disorder.
It doesn't matter what the obsessional theme is, whether it's harm thoughts about loved ones, or blasphemous thoughts about our Lord, or contamination thoughts, all of them are unwanted and perceived as being instrusive by the sufferer.
I would suggest that you visit the website: ocdonline.com and read the articles written by Dr. Philipson on "Pure O" OCD. His articles have helped me immensely.
I know you're in tremendous mental pain right now, but this is a very treatable disorder so take heart. You are on the right track by seeing a Dr. about it.
I will be praying for you and please stay in touch on the forum. Lots of loving people who really get where you're coming from.
God Bless,
Mitzi

Hi everyone...

I just wanted to introduce myself, and I'm glad to find a forum with Christians dealing with OCD.
I have not been officially diagnosed, but I am going to see a specialist on Monday 3/22 to talk about my background etc. I almost lost it on the phone today while making the appt.
I am 39...I think I've been dealing with OCD for a LONG time, lol. My parents divorced when I was 15 and I obsessed big time with my first boyfriend at 16. He was the only good thing in my life at the time. I was saved at 17 and then he broke up with me! But that was a good thing....
After college, I hit a brick wall. I fell into a huge depression. When I started Christian counseling, I was seeing a female counselor. Out of nowhere, I was blindsided by sexual thoughts involving her. I felt like I was disconnected from my body, my life, my friends, everything as I knew it. I repeated the same prayer over and over until I found some relief from the anxiety. That lasted a few months, and then it resurfaced when I had a new job where my boss was a lesbian. I was scared to talk to her, be around her, for fear she would hit on me, or that I would become attracted to her. I should preface this by saying up until the counseling sessions, I never questioned or doubted being straight, had crushes on guys in high school and college, and was seriously considering getting married. Then all of this mess happened.
I did get married, and I think my OCD spiraled over to cleaning (to maintain control in a loveless marriage). I've been divorced for almost four years now, and for the last 2 years, the OCD has come back around to target me struggling with the gay thoughts again. Now it has gotten so bad, that if I even think someone is gay, I am afraid to associate with them for fear that in itself makes me gay, and I'm scared of becoming attracted to lesbians. I was on the phone today with a woman who just sounded gay, and I obsessed over finding out if she was. I'm already scared I would be attracted to her if I met her.
I don't get where all this is coming from. I just feel so debilitated. This is affecting my ability to work, concentrate, focus, etc. It's definitely hurting my relationship with God, because I feel so filthy and dirty. I feel like I am full of sin and muck, like it literally is living in my body and I can do nothing to expel it. I want to be pure, holy, righteous, and have a mind free of all these thoughts. I just fear it will be part of my life forever, and I will not realize my dream of a godly husband and godly marriage.
Thank you for reading....I am going to keep fighting but sometimes I wonder if there is a victory coming.

 

[newfielove]

Hi Mitzi,

Thank you for responding. I have read some of those articles you mentioned in your post, and they do help. I think what gets to me the most is that each thought feels like a sin that needs to be confessed over and over again. It's like the feelings of shame and filth never leave me. The thought runs through my mind, something like, "a real Christian doesn't struggle like this, and their thoughts are pure". Nothing like bashing myself to make it even harder!!!
As a young adult I had blasphemous thoughts toward God, and I asked my counselor if I had grieved the Holy Spirit, or lost Him and my salvation. She said I could potentially quench the Spirit with those thoughts. I don't believe one can lose their salvation, but one can lose their way. I need God more than ever yet I feel so ashamed to face Him.
I know Jesus Himself intercedes for me when I cannot pray, and the Spirit recognizes my distress.
Yes, the pain can be difficult, when all you want to do is hide and cry. But I know God is more powerful than this. When I choose to focus on Him and not the OCD, I feel better. So that's what I need to continue to do.
I will continue to post, and I thank God for leading me here.

 

[seajoy]

Hi, and welcome. Your symptoms sound like classic OCD. I was in group therapy once where one of the OCD people sounded just like you. Glad you are getting help. God is leading you to a resolution in this, so your mind will no longer be filled with such guilt. I had OCD for many yrs, and got on meds and had therapy, and I rarely think bad thoughts anymore. They just go in and out of my head really fast. You will get there too, it just takes some work, and trust in the therapy. And God's good grace.

 

[John B Jr.]

welcome aboard, I've been learning over the last few months that a lot of OCD comes down to deep emotions involving insecurity...... don't isolate yourself, it's important to be around other Christians to take you out of your own head and get a more theologically sound perspective on your daily life in relation to God's love.

 

[newfielove]

John B and Seajoy, thank you!
I am looking forward to my appointment next week with the therapist. I also have a good friend at church who has dealt with different forms of OCD over her life. Saw her lastnight after worship and it was refreshing to talk to someone who understood the anxiety from the thoughts and the compulsion to think about it, analyze it, seeking relief, even it only temporarily.
I am still at war in my mind with my thoughts...daily...hourly.

 

[shelovesChrist]

I want to be pure, holy, righteous, and have a mind free of all these thoughts. I just fear it will be part of my life forever, and I will not realize my dream of a godly husband and godly marriage.

And God knows this. So many of us have the desire to change, the desire to want better, and we feel that we are unable to obtain this. But we have to stop looking at what we can't do, and look at what Christ can do. We need Him. ( John 15: 5 I am the vine, ye are the branches: He that abideth in me, and I in him, the same bringeth forth much fruit: for without me yet can do nothing ) Christ died and took upon all the burdens of sin of the world, He knew that we wouldn't be able to handle all this world throws at us. That's why we have to have faith in Him and give these burdens to Him, for He is our help. ( John 14: 18 I will not leave you comfortless, I will come to you ) We have to give it all to Him, and have faith that He will get us through the storm, because He will. We need to stop relying on our feelings and looking at our weakness, and allow Him to work through us and strengthen us. There are so many days where I am able to stand only because of the peace knowing that He is and that He will do for those who truly come to Him in sincerity and who thirst after righteousness and will fill them. ( Mathew 5:6 Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled.

I am going to keep fighting but sometimes I wonder if there is a victory coming.

The battle is not yours to fight, but His. We just have to continue to have faith that He will get us through, and He will. And there is a victory. Although we don't know when they come, when know that they will come because when has Christ ever failed? We are His sheep, and we can't be plucked from His hands.

Mathew 10: 27 My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me:
28 And I give unto them eternal life; and they shall never perish, neither shall any man pluck them out of my hand.
29 My Father, which gave them me, is greater than all; and no man is able to pluck them out of my Father's hand.

nor will He not look for us if we go astray. I was holding 3 dollars worth of quarters in the gas station line and I droped a quarter, and immediately, I look for it, searching behind some bottles of solution and moving things unto I found it. And then the Spirit put this on me

Luke 15: 8 Either what woman having ten pieces of silver if she lose one piece, doth not light a candle, and sweep the house, and seek diligently til she find it?
9 And when she hath found it, she calleth her friends and her neighbours together, saying, Rejoice will me; for I have found the piece which I had lost.
10 Likewise, I say unto you, there is joy in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner that repenteth.

I need God more than ever yet I feel so ashamed to face Him.
I know Jesus Himself intercedes for me when I cannot pray, and the Spirit recognizes my distress.
Yes, the pain can be difficult, when all you want to do is hide and cry. But I know God is more powerful than this. When I choose to focus on Him and not the OCD, I feel better. So that's what I need to continue to do.
I will continue to post, and I thank God for leading me here.

He is powerful and yes, focus on Him. Go to Him. And tell Him how you feel. All that you've been keeping inside, share with Him. He wants us to go to Him when we have struggles and I know the guilt and embarrassment from the thoughts might make it hard but He loves you still. He knows that you don't want them and that if you had a choice to choose, you would choose to rid them. Sometimes I feel so unclean in His presence because of the thoughts as well, but He still picks me up and holds me and loves me. And He will do for all who come to Him with sincerity.

don't isolate yourself, it's important to be around other Christians to take you out of your own head and get a more theologically sound perspective on your daily life in relation to God's love. john b. this is so true John B, being around other Christians does take you out your own head and allow you a peace of mind. I was at prayer and Bible study last night and I love being in the Lord's house and around those who love Him.

Praying that all goes well.

 

[newfielove]

Thank you....for reminding me with those truths. I do feel terribly unclean, filthy, disgusting, dirty.....tired. My mind is tired.
It's amazing what guilt and/or shame can do to a person - to convince them that they are so ugly, and less of a Christian because of their struggles. I am sure my other Christian friends have struggles of their own. It isn't limited to me or anyone on this forum.
I have been sharing how I feel with Him, my feelings of shame and dirtiness, and also of distress, anxiety, fear...you name it.
Thank you so much, everyone, for sharing your hearts with me. I pray God will comfort you and giveyou strength as you work through things.

 

[John B Jr.]

before I came here back in October or November I thought I was the only Christian with problems like this

 

[RuthD]

I am very sorry you are going through OCD in the way you are having such thoughts that make you feel so bad. I had a similar type of OCD. I tried to make it go away but had so much anxiety and depression that I finally sought help. After many tries of meds I finally got ones that help. May Jesus be very close with you and remember these thoughts hurt real bad but they are not true. You wouldn't be so upset if they were true. Take care hun.

 

[newfielove]

Thank you, Ruth

I know the thoughts are not real but they SEEM that way. What hurts the most is just the confusion and the anxiety. It depresses and saddens me deeply. I still can function at my job, but it's hard at times to concentrate and to feel comfortable around friends (just b/c I feel no one would understand and relate to it).
I was doing fine until earlier this week when I had to talk to that coworker on the phone who just sounded gay. All of a sudden, thoughts popped into my head of meeting her, liking her, being attracted to her, and I just don't get it. Sometimes I feel so tired and exhausted from it that I don't feel anxious initially, which creates that backdoor spike I've heard about. The anxiety goes down and can scare you into thinking that you now accept that you're gay and that's what you want.
A never ending cycle....I am praying that God would be louder than these lies and that He would firmly plant me where He wants me.