New relationship... (x-posted)

[sweetsummerdream]

This is a long story, but I'll try to sum it up as succinctly as possible.

When I was 21, in May of 2006, I got married to a guy that I had been dating for 3.5 years at the time. I was Catholic and he was not attending church at all when we met. I went to church every week and was very active in several ministries there. I invited him every time, but he was never interested. After about a year, he started to agree to go to church with me every once in a while. He proposed to me shortly after that and we had a long engagement. During the engagement, he told me that he wanted to become a Catholic and he went through RCIA.

Soon after we were married, physical abuse started to occur. It wasn't all too frequent and it wasn't that severe, so I didn't do anything about it. As time went on, it became more frequent and more severe and I started to get worried. Around this time, other things started to happen. He would stay out all night, get strange phone calls and texts at all hours, etc. He also changed some of his grooming habits. He was cheating. With more than one person. This all started becoming clear around October/ November 2007. Around this time, he started sleeping in our spare bedroom and we no longer had an intimate relationship.

Then, in January 2008, he told me that he didn't believe in God. He said that he had never believed in God at all and he considered himself Wiccan. His reason for converting to Catholicism was because he had decided that I would not marry him if I knew that he was Wiccan (which is true). Also, he told me that he didn't want to have a family. This was something that was very important to me and that we had discussed and always agreed on. He said that this was something else that he never really wanted, but just told me what I wanted to hear.

In February, 2008 he told me that he wanted a divorce. He hoped that we could be friends, but he didn't want to be married. He told me that he never really meant any of what he had said when we got married, he didn't even believe in the institution of marriage and wanted to be free and single. He confessed the cheating, etc. and said that he would continue to live in the spare bedroom temporarily for financial reasons, but that he wanted a divorce. He had already gotten divorce papers together and we worked on filling them out that same night, February 13, 2008 (the night before Valentine's Day). He wanted to file the papers that week. After speaking to his parents, he decided that he wanted to get some legal advice first, so the papers didn't actually get filed until August, even though he considered us divorced during that time. During the whole period between February and August, and all the way through today, we lived as if our marriage was over. He dated various people, presented himself to his family and friends as divorced, etc.

Now, to the even more complicated part: In February, 2008, I started to have romantic feelings for a close friend. Sometime after the one who I married told me that he wanted a divorce and filled out the papers, this friend and started a romantic relationship. And, I fell in love with him. Deeply. I love him in a way that I have never loved another person, ever. And, after the whole ordeal that I had been through, I honestly didn't think that this type of love really existed... it was real love. He is a Christian too...

Now, in April 2009, 14 months later, this man is pulling away from me. He says that he feels like we had an affair... my heart is completely broken. I don't know what to say or do... i keep praying to God to heal my heart and that if it is in His will that this relationship end to change my heart so that I can accept it... but i just can't get any peace about it... i don't understand it...

I have read a lot in the Bible about divorce, etc. According to the church, my marriage was never valid at all.

1. He doesn't believe in God and he is the one who chose to end the relationship
2. He committed adultery
3. He said that he never believed in God at all was fooling me into believing that he did so that I would marry him
4. He doesn't believe in marriage and didn't mean anything he said when we got married...
5. When he told me that he wanted a divorce, February 13,2008, he gave me divorce papers that same day.

And i thought that, for those reasons.... i don't even know what else to say... i love this man so much and don't know where to go from here.

Deut. 24:1-4
1) "When a man hath taken a wife and marries her, and it comes to pass that she find no favor in his eyes, because he hath found some uncleanness in her, then let him write her a bill of divorcement, and give it in her hand, and send her out of his house. 2) And when she is departed out of his house, she may go and be another man's wife. 3) And if the latter husband hate her, and write her a bill of divorcement, and give it in her hand, and sendeth her out of his house, if the latter husband die, which took her to be his wife; 4) Her former husband, which sent her away, may not take her again to be his wife, after that she is defiled, for that is abomination before Yahweh, and thou shalt not cause the land to sin, which Yahweh thy Elohim giveth thee for an inheritance."

Matt 5:31-32
31 “It has been said, ‘Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.’ 32 But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery.

1 Cor. 7:12-15 "If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are set apart. But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; Yahweh has called us to live in peace."

Any input or advice? I feel so deflated right now...

 

[lordnoak]

In my experience divorce agreements take about a year to be finalized, at least in my state. If that's the case for you, then perhaps you should tell him you guys should take a break and continue courting after the divorce is finalized. I happen to agree with your reasons for your divorce being legit.

From what you've said the ball is really in his court if he's deciding to remain in the relationship or not. If it's truly the fact that you were married that is the wedge between you two then perhaps that break could be helpful. On the other hand, you may need to question him on whether or not this is just an excuse to end the relationship. It seems a bit odd that he was fine with being involved with you romantically up until now. Perhaps a good deep conversation with him could be in order, or some type of counseling?

Only seeing one side of this makes it harder to give good advice since I have no idea what his beliefs or views are on the matter. I hope the best for both of you.

 

[sweetsummerdream]

In my experience divorce agreements take about a year to be finalized, at least in my state. If that's the case for you, then perhaps you should tell him you guys should take a break and continue courting after the divorce is finalized. I happen to agree with your reasons for your divorce being legit.

From what you've said the ball is really in his court if he's deciding to remain in the relationship or not. If it's truly the fact that you were married that is the wedge between you two then perhaps that break could be helpful. On the other hand, you may need to question him on whether or not this is just an excuse to end the relationship. It seems a bit odd that he was fine with being involved with you romantically up until now. Perhaps a good deep conversation with him could be in order, or some type of counseling?

Only seeing one side of this makes it harder to give good advice since I have no idea what his beliefs or views are on the matter. I hope the best for both of you.

Thank you. Actually, the divorce was not contested, and in this state it's called a "simplified dissolution" and can become final in as little as 2 weeks. For financial reasons, after we signed for it back in August, my attorney advised me that a temporary abatement would be a good idea... so we abated it for a few months, but it is all finalized now. Based on that, I am starting to wonder if this is just an excuse... which makes me really sad. I've tried to talk with him about things, but that really doesn't go anywhere because he just refuses to communicate with me. We were so in love and now all of a sudden he has completely shut me out...

Thank you for your kind words.

 

[DZoolander]

All things considered - and since you're Catholic - have you looked into getting the marriage annulled? I was granted an annulment yearssss back when I went through my divorce (just in case I were to ever want to marry another Catholic). Since I didn't marry one - it was kind of a waste...lol But - good thing to have.

From my understanding of the requirements - you'd be a shoe in. If your guy is also Catholic - that might help ease whatever concerns he may have.