New Here

[chloeobrien]

Hello, I'm new here. I'm not really religious at all but I found this as my first site that came up under google search sexual assault forums. I was raped almost a year ago, and the closer it comes to the date the more I struggle, the more nightmares, the more unpleasant/unwanted thoughts. I recently told my fiance everything that happened and he is the first and only person I have told this to. I found it helpful to tell him though. It still hurts me a lot, every day, and I sometimes still have trouble just getting out of bed in the morning. I recently haven't been eating much, haven't been hungry, and nothing appeals to me. I came here because I need help getting through this. I feel like it will never go away. That it will always control me. Every time I feel like I have control over my life and not him something shows me that he still controls my life a lot. I don't really belive in god, or read the bible, but if its helpful please feel free to leave it here. I just need help and support.

 

[WhiteLily]

Hey, I felt the same way. My babysitter abused me and I was around her for twon months. I have a scar from where she grabbed me and now I have emotional problems, like overeating, undereating, depression and insomnia and that was almost ten years ago. I've broken through the trauma by telling my friends and family and they helped me get through it and now I'm healing emotionally and physically. What I found helps is a release. At first it was horsback-riding and now it's acting, so why don't you try different things, especially the things you loved before you were hurt and new things? Acting really helps because emotion is key, it's a great way to project your feelings. Also, my mom is a phycologist and she saw your plea also, she sais to speak to your doctor and get a rape crisis counselor. You're showing all the signs of depression, another "close" friend of mine. I still get lapses, but they are becoming fewer and father between. If you ever want to talk just PM me!

 

[chloeobrien]

Thanks!

 

[tapero]

Hi, I am sorry for what you are going through. There is a lot of support here on the forums and I'm so glad you took the time to share what you are going though so that others can reach out and encourage you. It agree with Whitelilly that you sound like you are going through depression.

I wasn't sure whether you were saying it would be okay to mention something about God or not, so I'll just tell you that when I was at my lowest I cried out to God and He heard me. He hears us. I pray that may be of some comfort to you. Take care, Tapero

 

[shazabella]

Hello, I'm new here. I'm not really religious at all but I found this as my first site that came up under google search sexual assault forums. I was raped almost a year ago, and the closer it comes to the date the more I struggle, the more nightmares, the more unpleasant/unwanted thoughts. I recently told my fiance everything that happened and he is the first and only person I have told this to. I found it helpful to tell him though. It still hurts me a lot, every day, and I sometimes still have trouble just getting out of bed in the morning. I recently haven't been eating much, haven't been hungry, and nothing appeals to me. I came here because I need help getting through this. I feel like it will never go away. That it will always control me. Every time I feel like I have control over my life and not him something shows me that he still controls my life a lot. I don't really belive in god, or read the bible, but if its helpful please feel free to leave it here. I just need help and support.

hey chloe,

PM me if u want to talk about anything , I'm 20 yrs old and know exactly what you are going through

you will get through this, congrats on having the courage to ask for help

- Shaz

 

[chloeobrien]

hey chloe,

PM me if u want to talk about anything , I'm 20 yrs old and know exactly what you are going through

you will get through this, congrats on having the courage to ask for help

- Shaz

Ok thanx! I'll definately be PMin you. I'm 19. Thanx!

 

[FallingWaters]

Hello, I'm new here. I'm not really religious at all but I found this as my first site that came up under google search sexual assault forums. I was raped almost a year ago, and the closer it comes to the date the more I struggle, the more nightmares, the more unpleasant/unwanted thoughts. I recently told my fiance everything that happened and he is the first and only person I have told this to. I found it helpful to tell him though. It still hurts me a lot, every day, and I sometimes still have trouble just getting out of bed in the morning. I recently haven't been eating much, haven't been hungry, and nothing appeals to me. I came here because I need help getting through this. I feel like it will never go away. That it will always control me. Every time I feel like I have control over my life and not him something shows me that he still controls my life a lot. I don't really belive in god, or read the bible, but if its helpful please feel free to leave it here. I just need help and support.

It sounds to me like the date is refreshing the memories in your mind and reviving the pain. It sounds like you're sort of in a grieving process. If you deal with what happened to you as a "loss" that needs to be grieved, you might make some good progress.

Writing out all your feelings in a journal or private blog is a good way to express all your feelings.

I hope and pray that you would make Himself real to you and heal your heart.

 

[SearchingSister]

Hi chloe!

I'm glad you found this site, i hope its a blessing to you. I agree with the others, it's so important to get professional help if you can, even if you only go once or twice it can help.
I struggle with depression also, (its worsened after the sexual assault I suffered about 6 months ago). It's tough and feels like you're never going to get through it- but you will!

It's great that you can talk to your fiance about it. It also helps to have a female friend you can talk to. (I talk to a leader at my church) there are some things that women can understand a little better.

Good luck, and hang in there! Know that God is grieving for what happened to you
Ps. I'm 19 and u can pm me anytime

 

[lostndown]

hey chloe,
it's me. i am really glad that we are able to talk. it's really hard but we can get thru it together. im here for u anytime u need to talk/cry/vent/pray, etc. it's going to be ok in time. i struggle with nightmares and flashbacks too. i was raped in febuary and it's hard. some days are good some bad.

you know where to find me, if u want/need to talk. *hugs*

lylas,
Michelle (alicia)

 

[chloeobrien]

i keep thinking that maybe others understand what im going through but unless you've been through it you don't understand...

i thought my mom and anthony understood but they made it clear today and last night that they dont

 

[FallingWaters]

i keep thinking that maybe others understand what im going through but unless you've been through it you don't understand...

i thought my mom and anthony understood but they made it clear today and last night that they dont

I tend to agree with you. On the other hand, I think that people who have endured some type of overwhelming abuse can at least be somewhat empathetic and understanding. But yeah, I think that for you to be able to speak with other women who have been raped can be very valuable.

 

[lostndown]

yea i know what u mean hon. i've been there. u can talk to me anytime and talk. ur a really sweet and awesome friend! thanks for helping me as well. im glad i can help u too. *hugs*

Lylas,
Alicia

 

[chloeobrien]

Tonight I layed down to go to bed because I'm really tired, and really need sleep before I get sick, and then thoughts of the guy who raped me came into my head. Thoughts of him comming back to campus and breaking into my room, and raping me again while I sleep. I don't know how to get rid of them and sleep meds aren't working, and I just want to go to sleep. Until I pass out I'll be playing games online.

 

[chloeobrien]

I finally feel ready to tell my therapist EVERYTHING that happened the night of the rape... its been a bit over a year... she knows bits and pieces of it all... but not the whole thing...

 

[BelindaP]

I'll be thinking of you, and God will be right there holding you. God bless! I hope it goes OK.

 

[chloeobrien]

Last year after the rape I waited a few months before reporting it to the police. And it has taken them until today to be able to contact him and they want to talk with me either tomorrow or sunday about it all and since I will be home on sunday it's going to be tomorrow... it makes me very anxious... anxious to not know what he said... is he admitting it, is he trying to deny it, trying to change the story, what, I don't know, and it makes me anxious to not know...

 

[BelindaP]

No matter what he says, you and God know what happened. I'm not convinced that the police will be able to help you (but let's hope!). However, your attacker will get his day in court--the court of God, the ultimate judge.

I'll be thinking of you. Let's hope they nail him!

 

[chloeobrien]

most of his story matches up with mine... except for one part... I won't put what it was on here if you want to know just shoot me a PM. He said he thought I wanted it and that he wanted to call me and say he was sorry. And Andrea (the person at the PD who is working on this case) she said what happens from here is up to me. She said she is going to talk with Lauren (someone who was in the room at the time it happend, but from waht I know she was sleeping) about it all and my RA from last year. And she said she would meet with me next week. Do I trust him and believe that he thought it was consentual? Do I press charges and make him suffer? No matter if he saw it as consentual or not I'm still hurt and in much pain and suffering from it all, and I just don't know what to do. She said to do what will give me closure and I don't really know...

 

[BelindaP]

Well, I know from experience that college guys are basically clueless and that it takes a lot to get a guy that age to understand that you are not willing.

I got jumped by a guy my freshman year and I had to really cause him significant pain before he got the message. Even then, he was completely flabbergasted that I did not want to do what he wanted to do.

I guess my question to you is, did you verbally tell him 'no'? If you did not, then he was probably so interested in his own wants that he was oblivious to yours.

That is not to say that it wasn't a rape. It was. No guy has the right to take what he wants without explicit consent from the female party. If he is not aware that it was a rape, then he should be taught that it was.

As far as whether to prosecute or not, that one is completely up to you. Do you know if he has a history of this kind of behavior? Talking to former female acquaintances would help with that. [Perhaps your case manager could do that for you.] If so, then I would say that he is a predator that should be dealt with.

Regardless of what you decide legally, he should be willing to come to a therapy session with you and take whatever you have to say to him. I know that confronting one of my abusers (when I was ready) was one of the best things I ever did. It gave me a sense of power that I had lost years earlier. I was able to tell him exactly what I thought of him, the effects of his actions on me, and what I would do if he ever offended against somebody else.

How apologetic or defensive he becomes will be a good indicator of his character. It may give you a good sense of which way your decision should go.

I will pray for you. May God grant you wisdom in deciding and peace about your decision, whatever it is.

 

[chloeobrien]

I have decided that no matter what he says, it doesn't matter because it changes nothing he has done to me. I'm going to press charges. This is something I've been working on... for a while... thought I would share it with ya'll. I'm going to need much help and support going through it all.

I know what you did, and that is all that matters. You say your sorry but I'll never know if you mean it. I'm not trying to make your life miserable just find me closure to it all. There is so much I have been through it doesn't matter what you say, it still happened and I am still hurt.

My life has been taken away from me and I'm fighting to get it back. I'll never be who I was, and I don't know how I will become whole again. I hate what you have done to me, and sometimes I even hate you.

I wish I never felt this way but that I cannot change. It's in the past it's done with, now its time to move on. But I cannot do that until I get closure. And that is all I ask for, so in my mind I can finally be at rest.