New Here

[raylenar]

Hi everyone. I just thought I would introduce myself. I am new to cf, I discovered it while searching for bipolar forums. I was recently diagnosed with bipolar, but have been cutting for over a decade. I believe it is a seperate issue, although the bipolar certainly doesn't help. I have been reading posts here and am encouraged by how many nice parents are concerned for their children. I started cutting when I was 14, amoung other types of self injury, but the cutting is what has lasted so long. When I was 17 I finally told my parents during a counseling session. My mother immediately decided I was doing it for attention, and never really took the time to understand. That was the last time we talked about it.

Now I have been married for 5 years and have a two year old, with another on the way. I have been in good counseling for about two years. I just can't seem to break the addiction. The last time was about two weeks ago, I think. It's all healed up anyway, just some shallow scars, so they weren't bad cuts.

I was hoping I could get some advice on how to explain this to my husband. He just hates it. It has gotten worse lately, and he gets extremely angry with me. He can't understand why I do it. He tells me it is a concious choice to do it, so I just need to stop. I can't seem to explain how the urge is so strong. It is literally destroying my marriage and I feel so guilty. Thanks.

 

[Akathist]

Welcome to our area of CF!

I think that it is very hard to explain this to spouses or significant others. They may hear your words but they may have trouble accepting them.

I would really encourage you to see if you can take him to one of your counseling sessions and have your counselor help you explain it. Hearing the same things from a professional that you might say shouldn't make a difference but it is my experience that it often does.

 

[momgreenlady]

raylenar, welcome. I am new to this forum and site as well. I started to sh somwhere around the age of 10. I am now 27 and have been cut free since Oct of last year. Before that it was almost 2 years. I got married to my high school sweetheart at 18. He knew about my sh before we were even engaged. He has been very supportive and understanding. It hurt him when I would do that to myself and that was one motivation for me stopping. I have not been to counseling and have just tried to get through all of that on my own. I have read several books and visited several sites.

The best book and site that helped me was the S.A.F.E Alternatives program. You can do a search on that to find the site. They have a clinic up in Chicago that I never went to but they wrote a book on what they know. The book is Bodily Harm, the Breakthrough Healing Program for Self-Injurers by Karen Conterio and Wendy Lader. There is a chapter about what family members should know. The last part of the book is a work through of their program. Answering the questions really helped me! I would highly recommend this book. Maybe it's something that you and your counselor can work through together. I also think on their website they have a place for families. They do a good job of explaining to family members so that they can grasp what we are doing and why.

Another good book that I read, which was an easier read, was Cutting, Understanding and Overcoming Self-Mutilation by Steven Levenkron. I read through this book in about a week. If your husband would take the time to read through it or you could highlight stuff for him this is a really great informative book.

My husband and I have been through so much with this issue and we have finally come into a clearing on the whole thing. It can happen you just have to work at it. Try it all because it would be great for you to break this now before your children pick up on the action as well. Praying for you and your family.

 

[raylenar]

Thanks for the support and prayers. My husband has so far refused to go to my counseling with me, but other older and wiser people in our church are working with him on that, so hopefully he will conceade soon. My husband knew about this long before we got married. We were engaged for two years, and I've known him since I was 16. I don't really understand what is going on with him now. He said it's not something that needs to be understood, it's just something I need to stop. He smokes and so I've tried to equate the urge to smoke with the urge to cut, but he says it's not the same. But he doesn't know what it's like. The last time it happened he called 911 and told them I was suicidal. So a police officer came to talk to me and look at my arms. But the cuts were so superficial and I explained that I'm not suicidal. The police officer then told my husband that I was not suicidal, just need to find a new way to deal with the build-up of emotions. But my husband didn't believe him. They are trained to detect suicide, my counselor herself has helped with that training. But my husband refuses to listen to anyone about anything about me. Except his mom, and she thinks I'm just immature. So my husband just tells me to grow up. I'm really trying to grow up. But I'm so discouraged right now, which doesn't help anything. Thanks for your support though. I appreciate it.

 

[texannurse]

I can only imagine how hard this must be for you. Sounds like your husband is either really confused about his feelings, or in denial about your SI. It is serious (cutting I mean) but it is not suicidal. I read somewhere that cutting is sometimes our lifeline, what keeps us sane, keeps us alive. I will pray for your husband. Have you been able to share with him what drives you to cut? Maybe that would help?

 

[raylenar]

Thanks, I have explained this all to him. He doesn't want to listen. Just like my parents. I hate everything about this. I hate that I do it. I hate that it hurts people. I hate that they don't understand. I hate that I have to hate it. I don't have anyone that has had the same problem. I know other people do, but not in my circle. I wish I could just start over. But I can't. Thanks for letting me talk here, it does help.

 

[texannurse]

Thanks, I have explained this all to him. He doesn't want to listen. Just like my parents. I hate everything about this. I hate that I do it. I hate that it hurts people. I hate that they don't understand. I hate that I have to hate it. I don't have anyone that has had the same problem. I know other people do, but not in my circle. I wish I could just start over. But I can't. Thanks for letting me talk here, it does help.

I am so sorry you are in this much pain. I will pray for you, that you find some support out there. Know that healing can come, someday, just trust in His strength and fight as hard as you can. It's not an instant cure thing, but it is worth fighting for. TN

 

[momgreenlady]

I don't know if your husband would be willing to read those books but even just the chapter on family would be wonderful. It took me and my husband a long hard road but we made, so keep at it. You can too. I understand hating what you are doing but try and find some compassion for yourself. That was really hard for me to do but it did help. Cutting was the only thing that I knew to do. I was not given any other tools and any directions on how to use any other tools. It's like a child learning for the first time how to cry when they are sad, I just didn't know how! I'm not saying to feel sorry for yourself but to have compassion that you are doing what you know and you need time to learn something new. I am sending hugs your way and prayers out for you today!!!

 

[raylenar]

Thanks for your support and prayers. I was having a serious attack last night but made it through the night without harming myself. And I shared with my husband what was going on and although reluctant at first he tried understanding and just letting me keep him awake and cry on his shoulder. I know that he cares for me and when I hurt he hurts. I woke up better in the morning and have had a good day today. I am thankful for that. Thanks again for your prayer and support. They are helping.

 

[berry2000]

Hey raylenar. Sorry I am just getting to this post now. Been h aving trouble w/ computer and the site too. Anyways I just wanted to welcome you. And let you know I have similar struggles as you. Bipolar and cutting for 8 years. My husband often doesn't know what to do with me. Congrats on struggling last night and staying safe! That is huge!

 

[texannurse]

Thanks for your support and prayers. I was having a serious attack last night but made it through the night without harming myself. And I shared with my husband what was going on and although reluctant at first he tried understanding and just letting me keep him awake and cry on his shoulder. I know that he cares for me and when I hurt he hurts. I woke up better in the morning and have had a good day today. I am thankful for that. Thanks again for your prayer and support. They are helping.

Congratulations on getting through. I know what a hurdle that can be. Sounds like you are a very courageous woman to continue to fight and struggle in your relationship with your husband and your self injury. Praying fo you! TN