new here...needed advice

[rowantree]

You can 'whine' as much as you like. It is not whining anyway. It is stuff that you need to talk about and I am sorry you are suffering so. I am praying for you. Don't know what advice to offer, but I do understand the feelings of being dirty and ashamed and as if it is your fault that you gave in to them, but yet feeling violated as well. I have been there too. But it really isn't your fault. Everyone who has been abused in this way feels ashamed and dirty. Yet no-one truly is dirty - it truly is not you luna. It is them, the ones who committed this upon you. They are the truly dirty ones.

I so wish I could help. I can feel and hear your pain in your words. I pray that you can find some help somehow, and have the strength to go on and to heal. You can heal - it takes time but it can get better. Praying for you right now.

 

[Obzocky]

im so confused as to what is really going on......i dont get it.....i feel so dirty and ashamed of everything.....i feel violated by everything yet i feel so awful that i gave into them....

i feel so damaged and alone. i cant stop crying. i keep self injuring. my eating disorder is back and i dont even care......

im so sorry for whining over stupid stuff when so many people are hurting.....im sorry...

Do not apologise, it is not whining, you are struggling and simply expressing this. To do so is better than to keep it locked away. It is a long road, full of bumps and forks, sometimes it even feels as if the way is blocked, but that is part of the healing process. Part of that is discussing your struggles and feelings, even if you feel it is whining, so that you can start to piece everything together until the picture is clear.

At the moment you are still recovering, everything feels as if it is your fault and the shame is perhaps overwhelming, but as you allow yourself to discuss how you are feeling and the more you are able to listen to others all of this shame, this guilt, this confusion, it will start to erode. But this takes time, sometimes it may take years as recovery is a multi-layered thing.

No one can ever know exactly how you are feeling, but we can see parts of our own experiences in everything you express and understand the struggle of coming to terms with the fact that you have nothing to feel guilty about. Giving in is not the same as willingly engaging in an activity, we may know right from wrong but continual pressure and being made to feel like your concerns are invalid can see you do things you really do not wish to do. That is not your fault, people who do such things are very good at manipulating situations to get what they want with very little care for the damage they are doing.

The feelings of guilt and shame are natural, but you were (are) young, and when you are young it is difficult to stand up and say no. It is even more difficult to keep saying no when the pressure is applied over a period of time. Whilst your feelings are natural you have done nothing to feel shame or guilt over, the actions were done to you after pressure was applied. You were targeted, the wrong doing was on the behalf of the person who pressured you and in full knowledge that you were uncomfortable continued to pressure you until they had worn you down.

I wish I could say something of greater comfort or of actual use. I strongly recommended seeking out help when you are able, they are not for everyone but they can be an excellent way of working through your struggles one step at a time. Even just someone you can build a safe relationship with who will allow you to discuss these things who is able to give you clear feedback and you trust enough to start putting their suggestions into action.

You are in my prayers.

 

[littleluna]

thank you all for your prayers.

 

[littleluna]

been working on my story....kind of want to post but kind of dont.

i feel like no one would believe me.....well more so if i were to tell my family they wont...i also fear that a future husband wont believe me either even though i could say "you werent even there!"

 

[Johnnz]

Some here will believe you.

John
NZ

 

[rowantree]

I will believe you. If you want to post it, and feel safe to do so, then please post it. I for one, am 'with' you.

 

[Criada]

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[littleluna]

hello everyone....

i have been struggling so much...it is too much for me.

i would have come back sooner if my pm notification worked through my email. ever since i changed my email im not getting notified......

ah well....

feeling all the guilt and shame.....scared and anxious....triggered by everything.

 

[Gamecockfan]

Hey luna! Only my 2nd post here but I'm hoping everything gets better! I'll be praying for you! I don't have much advice because I've never been in your situation or any similar so all I can offer is prayer and hopefulness that everything improves!

 

[cweinstein]

hey luna! Praying for you, I know the feeling of guilt, shame, scared, anxious, and triggered.
I'm here if you need to talk

 

[littleluna]

thanks...

feeling hurt cos i was doing okay...then i just feel so bad again. i feel like everything is my fault and that God is angry at me still.....

 

[Johnnz]

Think about these scriptures.
Luke 4:16-19
He went to Nazareth, where he had been brought up, and on the Sabbath day he went into the synagogue, as was his custom. And he stood up to read. 17 The scroll of the prophet Isaiah was handed to him. Unrolling it, he found the place where it is written:

18 "The Spirit of the Lord is on me,
because he has anointed me
to preach good news to the poor.
He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners
and recovery of sight for the blind,
to release the oppressed,
19 to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor."
NIV

It's a quote from an OT book:
Isa 61:1
The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,
because the Lord has anointed me
to preach good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,
NIV

And another one quoted by Matthew

Matt 12:17-20
This was to fulfill what was spoken through the prophet Isaiah:

18 "Here is my servant whom I have chosen,
the one I love, in whom I delight;
I will put my Spirit on him,
and he will proclaim justice to the nations.
19 He will not quarrel or cry out;
no one will hear his voice in the streets.
20 A bruised reed he will not break,
and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out,
NIV

A bruised reed refers to the little that was left after a reed was beaten to extract its fibres for clothing material or papyrus. The 'smouldering wick' was a small, hand help lamp that needed shielding from any wind to stop it going out.

God is not at all angry with you. He cares for His little battered reed whose life is barely hanging on. Jesus came to assure us of that.

John
NZ

 

[cweinstein]

thanks...

feeling hurt cos i was doing okay...then i just feel so bad again. i feel like everything is my fault and that God is angry at me still.....

It's not your fault, and feeling good one moment and bad the next is normal. In time the good moments will outnumber the bad..

hang in there,

 

[littleluna]

thank you john, thank you cweinstein.

been thinking of getting a T. found one close by that i could even walk to if i had to. i dont think it is christian though.

i just dont know what to do. i just know that im tired of living like this in so much pain.

 

[littleluna]

just updating. been looking for a T. however, im not feeling well...i hit my head one night and have been taking a rest. my classes start soon. that will be good. this sunday september 2nd is my 5 year anniversary of a suicide attempt in the past. im trying not to breakdown.

tomorrow is a singles activity for church....i hope no one is mean to me....i mean....my ex does still go to that church...

cant believe im still being punished....feel so worried.