new here...needed advice

[littleluna]

i know it is bold of me for a first post but i need godly counsel.

i went through a few situations of abuse throughout child hood and when i was a teenager....

it still affects me to this day...i make bad decisions and let men take advantage of me cos i feel impure and worthless that i think "whats the point?" they pressured me until i gave in or didnt even ask....

(afraid to be specific right now for a first post....

no one ever listened to me before....unfortunately i have a crush on someone at my church but i feel that no one will never want me.....

church is tomorrow and i feel so unworthy to go....

 

[cweinstein]

i know it is bold of me for a first post but i need godly counsel.

i went through a few situations of abuse throughout child hood and when i was a teenager....

it still affects me to this day...i make bad decisions and let men take advantage of me cos i feel impure and worthless that i think "whats the point?" they pressured me until i gave in or didnt even ask....

(afraid to be specific right now for a first post....

no one ever listened to me before....unfortunately i have a crush on someone at my church but i feel that no one will never want me.....

church is tomorrow and i feel so unworthy to go....

Hi, you came to the right place. You are safe here.
Healing from abuse takes time. You will get there. It's a process, and every process needs a first step.You just took that first step.

Jesus died for you because He loves you that much, you are worthy of His love and so much more!

Yes, what you went through can still affect you today, with support, from me, from this group, you can heal.

I went through an abusive situation, left after 21 yrs of marriage. I could not leave on my own, I had help. After almost 3 yrs I am doing much better. I am in the process of healing, and you will get there too

Feel free to message me privately any time.

Blessings!

 

[littleluna]

thank you for your reply and your comment. i am really frightened. i want to heal but i dont deserve to....this past year is awful and i see some hope but i feel like if people really knew they wouldnt want me around. i just joined the choir in church but i just feel so dirty. im still not ready to post more...dont know what to say. dont want to overwhelm people with everything, but im really tired of seeking counsel from people who do not share my faith (though small). also, this is a public forum. i really hope other christians that i know in my hometown dont go here lol....

 

[LovedSparrow]

Welcome! I'm glad that you found us. As cweinstein said, this is a safe place.

Feel free to post as little or as much as you'd like.
Will be praying for you!
LovedSparrow

 

[littleluna]

read the post about posting trigger warnings...the rest will be triggering

when i was about ages 13-possibly 15 (was saved around 15) my sister's friends were always around. some of them would show me pornography. i looked. i feel so guilty. they talked about incest, bestiality and sex as if it were okay. they even laughed about pedophilia. unfortunately things they said were always in my head. i would think of it all until it seemed like reality. is this abuse or am i really guilty as i feel?
my sister told me that one of her friends wanted to do a gross certain sexual act to me.



later on i kind of thought i was a lesbian cos i was disgusted with all that happened. however, i knew i really wasnt but i would fantasize about it. i dated a guy who pressured me into kissing and just touched me all the time without asking...i told him how it made me feel but later on he would do it again and say things that offended me and i gave up it was no use. we broke up a year ago though

however, recently, as an adult one of her ex friends pressured me to do something i really didnt want to do....

could a man ever still find me pure after all this? probably not. and am i still saved after everything really? unfortunately more than that happened in my life....but i feel shy saying it...and i did not give full details. the past came up in my head and i said sorry to God.

would i have to tell a future husband everything? i think more so the things that could affect my marriage. i dont believe everyone needs to know every embarrassing sin ever.

i wouldnt even mind if he kept a possible past porn addiction from me if he had one and was just too embarrassed to share. however if he expected me to behave like a pornstar i would be put off. with me....im not now who i was then when i had to hear my sister and her friends filth talk.

 

[LovedSparrow]

In my opinion (I'll need other people's help too) it sounds like it was pressured on you to do these things. It's common with abuse victims of trying to set boundaries but having them stepped on. You tried to speak your mind, but it was not paid attention to. I think you were bullied and your boundaries weren't respected..

I think it will be o.k with your future husband. I had pre-marital sex a few times with a few different people in my early past, about 12 years ago. I worked it out with my counselor first, and then told him because we were in a recovery group together. I did not tell him every detail, of course. The idea is to not tell your future spouse enough that he will have mental picture and have jealousy, just the facts. My husband does not hold it against me now. He was a virgin. I'd say try to work it out with a counselor as much as possible, it's good because you've asked God for forgiveness. You're doing a good job dealing with it.

I do not see it as your fault. It seems like you tried to stop it and were pressured into it. People just take and take, and it sounds like you were bullied against your will.

Just my opinion.
LovedSparrow

 

[littleluna]

thank you for your reply and validation.

my ex asked me to make out and i would get upset and "uptight" as he would say it...i wanted to save my kiss for an engagement. he asked if something happened and i told him. he wanted details. i told him a little details. when i told him more when i felt like i had to he would say i was being dishonest.

we broke up cos i felt like it wasnt right that he wasnt what i wanted in the beginning anyhow. he did not attract me and i thought he was a hypocrite to make me do things especially since he claimed to be a christian too

months after we broke up i became friends with one of my sister's ex friends. he came over our house and kissed her. when i said ew he asked if i wanted a kiss too. it was creepy. when i told mom she was mad that he came over without permission but didnt care afterwards. they let other things happen cos she was lonely...

however we talked anyway then at my age of 16. he already had said explicit things to me.

he would pervert everything i said then and as an adult. he also showed me his gun before. i was friendly with him and didnt always say the right htings. he would say something suggestive, i would say that "its wrong, or bad, against God. its for married people. its gross" i even told him i was gay. or that i was really a man. i guess i deserve it for lying...

now as an adult he still said things and said i would look good in certain lingerie that wasnt even pretty. he wanted to see my breasts and called me selfish for not showing them to him. in my mind i figured my body never felt like mine and it was no use trying to make it mine. i let him see... but he never listened to me that i really didnt want to do it. i would say God doesnt want me to and he would say God didnt care. i told him i was abused and he told me i need to get over it cos he has. and he wanted to show me how a man should treat a woman and God wouldnt think it was wrong

all i wanted was his friendship. mom blames me cos she said i should have expected it from a guy who wants to be more than friends. i reported him but now i feel like maybe it wasnt abuse....

im so dirty :'(

after all this happened my ex wanted to be friends again. he found out what happened and was mad and agreed that it was abuse but one day got randomly mad cos a girl lied to him and told him that i wanted to be with her ex boyfriend (which isnt true). he also said that he doesnt get why i got mad at him for touching me when i let a guy rape me and went back with him and about the guy who harassed me recently.

i guess now i shouldnt expect to be treated like im pure even though i can say i never actually had sex......

 

[HeSaveDave]

The thing is, my sweet sister, that when we come to God He sees us as unblemished. He makes all things new. You can have a new start. I'm not saying the pain will go away right away but it can. With God all things are possible. God loves you, He calls you His. You are his beloved child. He chose YOU. Below is one of my very favorite scripture verses.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. 2 Corinthains 5:17

Jason Gray - I Am New - YouTube

 

[littleluna]

thanks. im not sure i understand right now. i reported that guy who i just saw as a friend. i guess i deserved it all....he threatened me tonight. not to hurt me exactly but...

i just cant say

im not suicidal but i see no hope right now

 

[HeSaveDave]

Keep holding on to God's promise, Luna. I know you may not see it yet but God has a plan for you and it's going to amaze you. You'll look back and think, "That Dave guy was right!" haha

God is waiting for us. Just keep taking it day by day. Wake up every day and ask the Lord for strength. He is faithful. He may not answer our prayers the way we think He should but He answers them in a perfect way.

 

[Saucy]

there's plenty of hope! You're an amazing person. Your soul is beautiful and there will be a man who looks past everything that happened because your heart is pure and that's what matters. You are not used up trash. You never were. What happened was NOT your fault, no matter how much the devil wants to convince you it was. That's the first stage of healing, getting past the guilt.

 

[RuthD]

You are not worthless. You deserve all good. If you practice positive self talk you can raise your self esteem up. Putting yourself down will only make you believe it more so if you can break the habit by giving yourself affirmations you will feel better.

 

[littleluna]

im not sure. im not sure if anyone would believe me though. especially cos most of the time i was too passive. i feel so pathetic and dont even see why i still really want a relationship. i feel used. i feel like a prostitute

do i owe my ex an explanation for things?

 

[rowantree]

Luna, you are not the dirty one. It is never the victim that is dirty. It is always the perpetrator. Please try not to blame yourself. In the eyes of God you are pure and innocent, whatever you may feel right now. I know how hard this is. Felt like you at one time. It will be OK. One day there will be someone who comes into your life to whom you will not have to explain anything at all - they will accept you just for what you are. They will love you for who you are.

You are not like a prostitute. But I understand. I know how hard it is to fight that feeling because I have had to fight it too. But you will win.

Please remember IT IS NEVER THE VICTIMS FAULT. never. However passive you feel you were, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

God bless you Luna and I pray that soon, you will begin to heal. It will happen in stages, but it will happen. Praying.

 

[pink kitty]

I'm praying for you! God bless you!

 

[littleluna]

thanks..
is it unchristian like that i confronted the guy who wanted pictures of me and i cussed him out? that is the only time i ever cussed at anyone.

he told me i was being unchristianlike and im psychotic and i have demons living inside me. (yes he said he was a christian too and such)

i told him i reported him...maybe that was a mistake. he said "for what? helping someone who is mentally ill?

:'(

 

[makeitwork]

thank you so much for sharing...it took a lot of courage (((hugs)))

i can tell you til i'm blue in the face that your not worthless but honestly you have to believe it and than accept it that you are worthy.

i totally understand how you feel because i too suffered from low self esteem and my family betraying me, rejecting, and not protecting me.

healing comes in stages...right now i am struggling with my family not supporting me.

for me part of my healing comes from writing when i have a break through or struggling with an issue, coming to this forum, reading my bible, and listening to christian music.

take baby steps...i gave my life to CHRIST 8 years ago...HE gave me the grace and mercy to take away my nightmares, pity parties, triggers, and low self esteem.

i think of myself like an onion...i have layers to go thru.

 

[LovedSparrow]

Amen to everyone's comments!

LittleLuna, I'm proud of you for reporting him. You did the right thing. Maybe you will have prevented him from doing the same to other women, and thinking he can get away with it.

You may not see it now, but great job. You are loved and cared for by us and by God.

How are you today?

 

[littleluna]

today i feel confused. worthless. hopeless.

 

[makeitwork]

littleluna it breaks my heart to read how you think about yourself.
your a very strong person who knows right from wrong and stood up for herself.
this scrpiture has helped me a lot and i want to share it with you...
"create in me a clean heart, O GOD; and renew a right spirit within me."ps 51:10
your in my thoughts and prayers (((hugs)))