I suffer from OCD and depression and am having mood issues. I have not been able to get mental health care since last spring for
various reasons that I am not going to try explaining right now. I am a sinner and have accepted Christ as my personal Lord and Saviour many times. Since I was a little girl, I have suffered from repetitive intrusive inappropriate thoughts of many kinds. I also have some outward compulsive behaviours. One of the hardest things I have been dealing with are intrusive thoughts that are blasphemous and negative towards God, Jesus, Holy Spirit. I have convinced myself I have lost my salvation and any hope of forgiveness because of the unpardonable sin. I was raised Catholic, but now just consider myself Christian. I went to a brand new Church this past Sunday in hopes for some help, direction, and also asked for prayer. Part of me wants to believe God will heal me of this, but the rest of me keeps saying I am worthless and unforgiveable. But, I feel tormented and lost. My emotions are such a mess, going from fear, worry, and even anger to numbness. I may laugh on the outside, but I hardly ever feel happy. Stress is a big factor in my downward cycling and lately in my personal conversations with God I have even lost my cool with him. I want to be able to feel love for him, be able to turn my life around and help others and to feel his presence in my life. This all started getting worse because I was starting to read my Bible again, and wanted to be a better person and to have a relationship with the Lord. I am so overwhelmed and also am disabled because of my mental illness and physical health. So, I want to start getting out into the world again since I am somewhat of a hermit now. The blasphemous and inappropriate thoughts started when I was only five. I don't know why I was made this way. How will God be able to love me anymore and how can I go ahead and do his work if all I can focus on is "lost salvation because of unpardonable sin"? I don't know what church is best for me? I don't know if this is all an attack on me because of turning to him more? I don't know what treatment to seek out? I feel alone, and scared, and completely out of control. I went to the hospital last night, but left without any real sense of direction because I was not severely afflicted enough. Our financial situation is bad, and I did start trying to find a Christian counselor, but will probably call back after the holiday. No matter what, I still will not be able to go as much as I need to or afford it. I already have medical bills I owe still and other things. I am a mess. I don't want to turn away from God or my belief in him even though that would be the easy road out on a temporary basis, my own beliefs and need for him would not allow it. I don't know what hope I can find here, but I am here anyways. I am lost, ashamed, and very very scared.
Either way...May God bless you all
various reasons that I am not going to try explaining right now. I am a sinner and have accepted Christ as my personal Lord and Saviour many times. Since I was a little girl, I have suffered from repetitive intrusive inappropriate thoughts of many kinds. I also have some outward compulsive behaviours. One of the hardest things I have been dealing with are intrusive thoughts that are blasphemous and negative towards God, Jesus, Holy Spirit. I have convinced myself I have lost my salvation and any hope of forgiveness because of the unpardonable sin. I was raised Catholic, but now just consider myself Christian. I went to a brand new Church this past Sunday in hopes for some help, direction, and also asked for prayer. Part of me wants to believe God will heal me of this, but the rest of me keeps saying I am worthless and unforgiveable. But, I feel tormented and lost. My emotions are such a mess, going from fear, worry, and even anger to numbness. I may laugh on the outside, but I hardly ever feel happy. Stress is a big factor in my downward cycling and lately in my personal conversations with God I have even lost my cool with him. I want to be able to feel love for him, be able to turn my life around and help others and to feel his presence in my life. This all started getting worse because I was starting to read my Bible again, and wanted to be a better person and to have a relationship with the Lord. I am so overwhelmed and also am disabled because of my mental illness and physical health. So, I want to start getting out into the world again since I am somewhat of a hermit now. The blasphemous and inappropriate thoughts started when I was only five. I don't know why I was made this way. How will God be able to love me anymore and how can I go ahead and do his work if all I can focus on is "lost salvation because of unpardonable sin"? I don't know what church is best for me? I don't know if this is all an attack on me because of turning to him more? I don't know what treatment to seek out? I feel alone, and scared, and completely out of control. I went to the hospital last night, but left without any real sense of direction because I was not severely afflicted enough. Our financial situation is bad, and I did start trying to find a Christian counselor, but will probably call back after the holiday. No matter what, I still will not be able to go as much as I need to or afford it. I already have medical bills I owe still and other things. I am a mess. I don't want to turn away from God or my belief in him even though that would be the easy road out on a temporary basis, my own beliefs and need for him would not allow it. I don't know what hope I can find here, but I am here anyways. I am lost, ashamed, and very very scared.
Either way...May God bless you all
The Lord loves you. Try to rest in that.
