New Calvinist Hymnal released !!

[Anto9us]

Calvinist Hymnal Released

Yeahh -- it's from Babylon Bee -- but it's funny...

The BEE article just scratches the surface -- the hymnal contains :

Jesus loves the little children
Some of all types of all the children in the world
Red and yellow, black and white
Some are precious in His sight
Jesus loves some of the children of the world

The hymnal opens automatically to the correct page -- no need for human interference in turning the pages!

And if the book is held by someone who is NOT OF THE ELECT -- it remains forcibly closed -- cannot be opened!!

 

[Rescued One]

 

[Bible Highlighter]

The problem with GOD forcing some to be saved and others to not be saved against man's free will choice is that:

(a) That is not the loving GOD we see described in the Bible.
(b) This life would be meaningless because nothing we do here matters because GOD decides who is saved and unsaved.
(c) The Judgment would not make any sense.
(d) Free will verses in the Bible would not make any sense.​

It's sort of like if a coast guard came up and saved everyone who was lost at sea except you and your family because the coast guard decided (for no good reason - unconditional election) to not save you and your family. I am sure you would be pretty upset if the coast guard saved everyone else and not you and your family (Especially when he perfectly was able to do so). Even if the coast guard suspected that you did bad things in your past, it would still be unloving of him to not save you and give you a second chance at life.

 

[Rescued One]

The problem with GOD forcing some to be saved and others to not be saved against man's free will choice is that:

(a) That is not the loving GOD we see described in the Bible.
(b) This life would be meaningless because nothing we do here matters because GOD decides who is saved and unsaved.
(c) The Judgment would not make any sense.
(d) Free will verses in the Bible would not make any sense.​

It's sort of like if a coast guard came up and saved everyone who was lost at sea except you and your family because the coast guard decided (for no good reason - unconditional election) to not save you and your family. I am sure you would be pretty upset if the coast guard saved everyone else and not you and your family (Especially when he perfectly was able to do so). Even if the coast guard suspected that you did bad things in your past, it would still be unloving of him to not save you and give you a second chance at life.

Go fly a kite! This thread is for humor!

 

[Monk Brendan]

View attachment 244290

This Arminian pulpit cartoon is not fair.

Just how our free will fits in with God's sovereignity is not a mystery we will ever understand in this world.

In the next we won't care.

 

[Anto9us]

One would think (wouldn't one?) that the great hymn Rock of Ages, by early Calvinistic Methodist Augustus Toplady, would have been Calvinistic enough in the original!

But for this hymnal, it was revised to be even more TULIPy, even more steeped in Doctrines of Grace!



Rock of Ages, swallowed me,
Forced me wholly into thee
Let the water and the blood
From thy riven side which flowed
Be of sin the Double Pre-
Destination, oh, of me!



Not a choice within my mind
No decision there to find
Automaton-like, I go
Down the aisle, and none too slow
Feet that moved not of their own
To the altar of thy throne!



Nothing in my hands I bring
Nothing of a 'will', no, not a thing
Naked, come to thee for dress
Helpless, look to thee for grace
Foul, I to the fountain fly,
No, not knowing how or why



While I draw this fleeting breath
When mine eyes shall close in death
When I soar to worlds unknown
All was planned, all was foreknown
Rock of ages, swallowed me
Forced me wholly into thee

 

[redleghunter]

This one pokes fun at both sides.

Arminian Contractor Builds Bridge Halfway Across River

ELKINS, WV—In an attempt to remain consistent with a synergistic theology, an Arminian-owned bridge contractor has constructed a bridge only spanning half of a river, sources confirmed.

The bridge opened for public transit Monday, with cars careening off the unfinished end into the murky waters below.

“We’ve done most of the work, and now people just have to drive a little bit farther to finish spanning the gap,” said Jacob Carter, the business owner and president. “Our bridge is freely available to all, wide enough for everyone in the world to cross—but you’ll just have to put in a little bit of effort if you don’t want to plummet to the deadly, rushing river a hundred feet down.”

Carter calls the bridge a compassionate act of mercy on his part, freely offering everyone the chance to cross the bridge, if they can just muster up enough faith to step on the gas and launch themselves the remaining few hundred feet over the valley.

“We couldn’t go all the way across—that would be violating your free will, not giving you the chance to garner enough faith to cross on your own merits,” he said.

A competing Calvinist contractor also opened a bridge downstream: one that crosses the entire river, but isn’t open to the public.

 

[Anto9us]

(d) Free will verses in the Bible would not make any sense.

Neither would FREE WILL OFFERINGS in the Old Testament!

And, no, Monk, the Arminian cartoon is not fair -- but then again, nothing said about Arminianism on message boards is ever fair.

 

[redleghunter]

This was a good one too.

The Bee Explains: Theological Liberalism

 

[redleghunter]

Love this one too:

Local Mom Claims Vaccines Caused Her Son's Calvinism

 

[Anto9us]

Ex-Cardinal McCarrick Signs On For ‘Predator’ Sequel

 

[redleghunter]

Ex-Cardinal McCarrick Signs On For ‘Predator’ Sequel

Lol that one hit low below the belt.

 

[Anto9us]

Suspicious Package Mailed To Joel Osteen Found To Contain Bible

 

[redleghunter]

Progressive Christian College Welcomes Incoming Class Of Future Atheists

 

[Anto9us]

Megachurch Stage Collapses Under Pastor's Massive Ego

 

[redleghunter]

Suspicious Package Mailed To Joel Osteen Found To Contain Bible

They are relentless against Osteen

Joel Osteen Sails Luxury Yacht Through Flooded Houston To Pass Out Copies Of 'Your Best Life Now'

 

[redleghunter]

Caravan Of Liberal Americans Makes Way Toward Socialist Paradise Of Venezuela

 

[SoldierOfTheKing]

Arminian “grace!” How strange the sound,
Salvation hinged on me.
I once was lost then turned around,
Was blind then chose to see.

What “grace” is it that calls for choice,
Made from some good within?
That part that wills to heed God’s voice,
Proved stronger than my sin.

Thru many ardent gospel pleas,
I sat with heart of stone.
But then some hidden good in me,
Propelled me toward my home.

When we’ve been there ten thousand years,
Because of what we’ve done,
We’ve no less days to sing our praise,
Than when we first begun.

 

[Anto9us]

Just as I am, without one plea

Cuz none of this has anything to do with me...

Just as I am, I cannot flee

O Lamb of God, I'm numb

I'm numb.

 

[Anto9us]

PLEASE NOTE:

There has been a request to move this thread to Kitchen Sink or Junk Drawer; it quickly devolved to satire about any position, not just the Calvinist Hymnal.