Never Complaining

[Tuffguy]

I think as long as we make our spouses 100% comfortable in our homes, we are on the right track. A man or woman can't feel like the are a prisoner, or everything they do is under the others scrutany. That is a miserable situation that needs to be avoided at all costs.

 

[CuriousInIL]

Complaining is one of those words that has gotten a bad rap over the years. Complaining about everything and everyone is of course not a good thing... But there is something to be said for the value of complaining too. To stop doing it entirely? I don't know. I see it being something that avoids immediate conflict, but not the long term conflict.

What would the long term conflict be? I don't understand.

 

[heart of peace]

IMO communication is way overrated. Also, I don't see my DW doing things that are not edifying God. However, certain of the things she does or doesn't do used to drive me crazy and result in me complaining. No one but me was negatively affected by her behavior and I now believe that complaining about it affected me (and her) even more negatively.

I disagree - I think healthy and compassionate communication is needed desperately in our world, starting within our personal relationships. However, communication that is standard to this world is overrated as it is a 'me-focused' communication.

If there are certain things that your wife is doing that is leaving you without peace, then she is not edifying God as she should be a woman whose husband has full confidence in her, who speaks with wisdom, whose husband and children arise and call her blessed, and her husband praises her.

The Lord in His infinite wisdom knew that we would need instruction in how to abide in Him and He provided this instruction in the form of Holy Scripture. He doesn't expect us to just know what He delights in.

Rather than resentment and anger, it fosters in me a greater sense of acceptance so that now, truthfully, I even like things that I didn't before simply because I tolerated them for a period. they have now passed into the like category--sort of like vegetables.

The primary reason that I decided to act this way is that my mother lives with us and, as folks are want to do, she got older and requires more and more effort and attention every day including medical sorts of attention that DW never signed up for. And, DW is her primary care giver because I work long hours and because the female-female interaction is less embarrassing to both me and my mother. As a small compensation for those efforts, I stopped complaining to make the rest of life a bit easier.

Well, to be fair, it seems like you may have struggled with complaining beforehand and your wife suffered unfairly at your tongue. Now that she is selflessly providing caregiving for her mother in law (your mother), maybe God has put it on your heart that you were not appreciating your wife and maybe that you needed to learn what unhealthy talk is before you could find a Godly level of honest dialogue with your wife. That's wonderful that God has been able to work in your heart and in your marriage. However, you are making blanketed statements that do not apply to others just because they apply to you. Your walk is your walk. Period. We each have our own journeys to travel.

 

[heart of peace]

Complaining is one of those words that has gotten a bad rap over the years. Complaining about everything and everyone is of course not a good thing... But there is something to be said for the value of complaining too. To stop doing it entirely? I don't know. I see it being something that avoids immediate conflict, but not the long term conflict.

I disagree, complaining is never positive in any light. I cannot see the value in complaining. Is it that you mean constructive criticism?

 

[JulySheMustFly]

I see now that I mis-understood the kind of complaining the OP meant. I don't complain to my husband.about his behavior or little things that bug me. It takes a good bit of stinky behavior to get me to say anything. We do talk about our preferences but that is only wise when it comes to making life work for a house of 5 or any number for that fact.

 

[hisbloodformysins]

For various reasons, about 2 1/2 years ago I just decided that I would no longer complain about anything that DW did. It has been very helpful in certain things and not so much in others. Anyone else ever do anything similar?

I have learned, and am still learning when to complain & when not to complain. Hub would probably prefer I never complain (or maybe not). There are just some things I can't live with. Truth be told, I don't think my husband would like it if I had a "quiet spirit" about everything. I know for some people that is ideal, but he's said that what he knew he wanted in a wife is someone who isn't overly "submissive" and boy did he get his wish Honestly, I wish my husband was honest and complained more. Not to the point of nagging... but I prefer to know what is on his mind, and what he likes and dislikes. I can see the nobility in not complaining, but then again if I really analyze it I really don't think it's all that noble... it's more of a character flaw in my opinion. And the reason I say that is because I think of a christian man I know from work. He does everything without complaining... and for that reason well, he gets taken advantage of. I'm not willing to be taken advantage of like that. Maybe in his mind and heart he's doing it "unto the lord" however the reality of it is it's not overly appreciated... just to the point that it makes it easy for others to take advantage of it. Sometimes what we think is "meek" is really just an excuse for those that are "meek" to continue to be passive and not stand up for themselves. They seem to justify it by putting a righteous spin on it, but truth be told, they just don't know any other way to be, and the challenge of learning to stand up for oneself is too much... so they'd prefer to look like the goody tooshoo that others think they are.... truth be told, no one is so up there.... even that man who does everything without complaining, he's just a man who definitely has a judgmental way about him that comes out of him in other ways.

I don't see the gain in "never" complaining. I think then we never stand up for ourselves that way. I think it's good to learn how to express ourselves and needs in an assertive way, and the less we come across as "complaining" the better, but I don't know if that can realistically be obtained. Otherwise you just become a martyr. Truth be told I'm personally not fooled or impressed by "martyr's" being how i'm married to one and my dear old mil is one.

HB

 

[Robinsegg]

Perhaps a better way to state what I am talking about is to say that I have transformed (or am trying to transform) my attitude about nearly everything from "How do I get what I want?" to "I want what I have."

Now this is something I can get on board with
I don't complain about stuff that just bugs me, or only effects me. I pray and let the Holy Spirit convict hubby of such things. If his actions are effecting our kids or someone else, *then* I go to him and let him know what I'm seeing . . . not really complaining, but trying to help resolve a situation (which can mean the actions *or* my perspective on the actions).
Trying to shift from a selfish mindset (with which we are all born) to a selfless mindset (the mind of Christ) should be an endeavor for each Christian
R

 

[CuriousInIL]

It is not a be upset and say nothing policy. It requires actual acceptance.

It is also not a don't express my opinion thing--but if she has decided/done something, I don't complain/criticize her decisions like I might have before.

 

[Cordy]

I personally don’t think it is healthy to avoid talking about anything that is negative. If my husband does something that bothers me, I let him know. He does the same in return. Actually, it would probably drive me crazy if he didn’t share his concerns and provide constructive criticism.

We do not “nag” or “complain” about each other. Instead, it is about being honest in love. Although we love and accept each other as we are at this moment, we both want to continue to grow into better spouses, and people in general. Encouragement to do that is facilitated through communication.

 

[heart of peace]

Complaining can be constructive. You might not like to hear it, but to deny that you've never learned anything when somebody complains about something you've done is kind of foolish.

There is a difference between complaining having no value and not being positive, and not liking to hear complaints.

I would like to be on the same page as it doesn't seem like we are understanding the word complain to mean the same thing. When I think of the word complain, I think of a person who is focused on themself (their pains, their issues, their lack of happiness, et cetera). Basically the focus is on themselves without any regard for the person receiving the onslaught of complaints. I think of the Israelites who so angered God that they were destined to wander the wilderness for 40 years and never enter the land of 'milk and honey'.

I would never see something that God despises in a positive light at all. You are right though, it does have value, negative value. It destroys rather than builds up. It hurts rather than helps. I do not grow from what a complainer has to say because God will help me discern that I am hearing foolish talk (that is all complaining is to me, foolish, unwise speech). I am not in denial. I am stating my truths.

As far as "constructive criticism..." That's a phrase that means "complaints I feel justified in making." It's still telling somebody that something they're involved in is inappropriate, or is not appreciated, it's still a complaint. It might be nicer for somebody to hear, but that doesn't make it any less of a complaint.

Besides which, "constructive criticism" also is just as often negative or insulting as "complaining." It's just passive-aggressive and slightly sneaky.

Why did you place the words constructive criticism in quotes? Have you had negative experiences with a person or persons who have done nothing more than complain and term it constructive criticism? If so, then I could understand why you would see it as passive-aggressive and slightly sneaky.

When I use the word constructive criticism, I use it in the typical fashion (advice that is useful and intended to help or improve something). It is the type of speech where the focus is on building the other person up. It is always warranted (by that I mean, it is offered when it is desired or at the bare minimum permission asked to proceed in offering one's advice). It is compassionate and not self-seeking. It is laced with love for a better, more fulfilling relationship with the other person. This to me is far from sneaky and certainly not passive or aggressive. I welcome constructive criticism from those who are wiser and more knowledgeable than me.

I think it is unfortunate that you would view this as negative and complaining as positive.

 

[heart of peace]

It is not a be upset and say nothing policy. It requires actual acceptance.

It is also not a don't express my opinion thing--but if she has decided/done something, I don't complain/criticize her decisions like I might have before.

I am sorry for assuming to have understood what you meant originally, Curious. It seems that I do not fully grasp what it is you are trying to express about your relationship with your wife. Are you saying that you have decided to keep your murmurings to yourself and give it to God about your wife and anything that is long-lasting that leaves your spirit in a state of dis~ease, that you would lovingly bring it to your wife? And that you have found that you rarely, if ever, have to bring any potentially negative remarks to your wife?


Also, I just wanted to add as an afterthought that is related to your original question - I have toyed with the idea of taking a fast of silence and speaking only when necessary (example, at the store, to my child, etc). I just haven't figured out how God would want me to enter into such a fast.

 

[hisbloodformysins]

I guess it's all about what is meant by "complaining" I "complain" when there is something that I'm just not satisfied with. Sometimes I hold my tongue. A lot of times my hubby isn't open to it, but other times he's convicted by it. Regardless it goes to his heart one way or another, even if he acts like it doesn't. I think it's a good idea to try not to have a "complaining" attitude however, a complaint can probably be defined as expressing displeasure with something.
So it's all in how you look at it. I think we should be allowed to complain and that we shouldn't have to walk on egg shells around eachother. Sure, our spouses may not like it at the time (or we may not like it) but that is life.... most people don 't like critism, atleast not initially, but it's necessary to grow. Kind of like tough love... but not really, it's just voicing a complaint.

HB

 

[Wandering Cat Lady]

When you get married, you give your spouse the right to "complain". And by complain, I mean constructive communication with the goal of accomplishing a higher level of understanding and involvement in eachother's life.

By this I mean that while we should not under any circumstances complain because we don't have what we want, we should allow the other to "complain" to us about things that are bothering them, ESPECIALLY if it's regarding us.

I don't see anything wrong with "venting" or talking through things because God made emotions and there has to be an outlet. In a marriage, communication is one of the biggest keys to success...but if all you do is stuff something that bugs you and you feel is harmful to the marriage, then feelings of resentment can and will build up, leading to much larger issues down the road. If you just stuff it down, it will not stay down. It will not go away. Therefore it's important to "complain" once in a while.

com·plain
–verb (used without object)
1. to express dissatisfaction, pain, uneasiness, censure, resentment, or grief; find fault: He complained constantly about the noise in the corridor.
2. to tell of one's pains, ailments, etc.: to complain of a backache.

If you never have anything to complain about, then you must be perfect in every way. However, I strongly applaud the OP for making this decision...he said that he decided he wasn't going to complain ABOUT his DW and that is awesome. I'm afraid I have fallen into a trap of sorts by complaining about my DH at times. I have made it my goal to quit complaining about him and instead complain TO him in a very constructive and concerned, caring manner rather than complaining per-say about him.

According to the Strong's definition, murmuring means grudging. So don't hold a grudge and complain about it...instead, bring it out in the open...and give your spouse the right to do it as well.

 

[heart of peace]

Tropical_Winds, I have enjoyed this dialogue with you. I realize that we see things very differently on this. The only two things I wanted to comment on:

1) When you told your spouse about the driveway being icy and you couldn't walk on it without falling down - you were just stating facts about a situation. When your husband told you about the freezerburn, he attached his opinion about it turning it into a complaint. However, if you told your husband in a manner that alluded to your dissatisfaction of your expectation that the driveway should have been de-iced, then yes, you complained as well. I don't know you or your dynamics so I can't say. Reading it the way it lays out on the page, you stated an observation without a judgment whereas your spouse stated an observation WITH judgment.

2) Constructive criticism is not constructive if it is offered without solicitation. I thought I made that clear.

3) Yes, I do see complaining talk as foolish talk. I speak from experience as I struggled with a complaining spirit for most of my youth and early adulthood. Thankfully, God has used Scripture to open my eyes to its pure foolishness. Proverbs 1:7 The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and discipline (CC is accepting discipline, complaining offers no wisdom and hence no growth, one is left to speculate what has irked the other person's spirit) Proverbs 1:22 "How long will you simple ones love your simple ways? How long will mockers delight in mockery and fools hate knowledge?" Proverbs 10:14 Wise men store up knowledge, but the mouth of a fool invites ruin" Proverbs 10:21 The lips of the righteous nourish many, but fools die for lack of judgment Proverbs 12:23 A prudent man keeps his knowledge to himself, but the heart of fools blurts out follyProverbs 14:7 Stay away from a foolish man, for you will not find knowledge on his lips. Proverbs 15:7 The lips of the wise spread knowledge; not so the hearts of fools. Proverbs 17:10 A rebuke impresses a man of discernment more than a hundred lashes a fool.
I don't ignore a rebuke from a wise person and I never ignore it from those who have spiritual authority or any authority over my life. I ignore a person who seeks to destroy via their speech.


When I read your comments: "Constructive criticism is a phrase created by a PC world attempting to justify bossiness and passive aggressiveness," "The whole irony of this situation is that you are saying you don't like complaining because it's bad and negative, which means you're complaining about complaining." and other comments.....I feel confused because I wonder if you are implying something to my character. It is easy enough to connect the dots, you see CC as a loaded word that people use to justify wretched behavior (i.e. passive agressiveness), I use CC in life, so I must be passive-aggressive in your eyes. Forgive me if I am reading too much into your words.

Anyway, we just see things differently. We are holding a discussion about the difference between complaining and constructive criticism. I stated the differences. I stated my truths. I don't see what you see, hence we see things differently. And that is one of the things that makes the world a wonderful place to me - different people with different perspectives.


ETA: Oh, I just noticed the Christian Seeker icon next to your CF character. Please accept my deepest apologies for responding to you in my previous post as I responded to you the way I would have a professed believer of Christ. I hope I did not offend you for referencing the Israelites. I feel embarrassed now.

 

[heart of peace]

I did not realize Christian Seeker meant that you believed Christ is your Lord and Savior. I thought it meant interested in learning more about Christianity. Forgive me for any offenses.

Ok, point taken about the implications about each of our characters. I should clarify that since I don't know you, I am unable to form any judgments about your character. You seem like an intelligent woman and so far I am enjoying our discourse.

As for everything else, I feel confused because I am starting to think we are just going in circles here. Whatever I would say in response to you would feel repetitive to me. I will say that a complaint for me could be compared to a casual drink to an alcoholic. This may help you understand my extreme views about complaints and a complaining spirit.

If you are interested further in compassionate communication, you should take a look-see at NonViolent Communication by Dr. Marshal Rosenberg. What an excellent read! I highly recommend it and it really helps give a better explanation to the type of communication I am referencing here.

 

[ardeur]

I certainly talk to my husband about things that are bothering me, but I have worked very hard to NOT complain about him to ANYONE. We've been married 6 months and I've been good with it so far.

One exception were if I had a very trusted, godly, and loving older woman in my life who would instruct and mentor me as the Bible says. With her, I would bring up issues that were bothering me about my husband or things concerning my husband... but I have yet to find such a woman like that. I try to be extremely careful what I say about my husband. I don't need to air my laundry for everyone to see.

 

[RedTulipMom]

I am talking about more than just not nagging. I am talking about never making any sort of a negative comment about anything at all--no matter how much or little I may internally like what did or didn't happen.

hmmm..this is definitely interesting. i am going to try it and see how it works. i am sure it is probably a better way to live anyway.

 

[RedTulipMom]

It is not a be upset and say nothing policy. It requires actual acceptance.

It is also not a don't express my opinion thing--but if she has decided/done something, I don't complain/criticize her decisions like I might have before.

good policy. i see what your saying.
let me just ask you something for clarification sake.
If you actually do get upset about something and don't accept it, do you then voice your opinion on it or just keep it in?

 

[CuriousInIL]

good policy. i see what your saying.
let me just ask you something for clarification sake.
If you actually do get upset about something and don't accept it, do you then voice your opinion on it or just keep it in?

So far, I have found certain instances in which acceptance was not forthcoming at the outset. But, I "kept it in" to use your wording--perhaps better to say that I didn't say anything about it right away--and ultimately found acceptance and peace.

What will I do if there is something that I never accept? Frankly, I will not know until that happens but I doubt that I will bring it up.