Negativity in this forum

[IslandBreeze]

I can't even visit the Marriage Ministry forum anymore. It seems like all it is is one big gripefest about spouses. Personally, I think the change needs to come from the people griping, not their spouse, and then they'd see a big change. My husband and I don't have a perfect marriage, but if I have a gripe with him, I'm not going to spend hours on this forum tearing him down and making my own feelings worse. I'm going to go to him, find out where he's coming from and if there's anything I can do to change my own behavior to appease his. I'm glad I'm already married, because if I weren't, reading this forum would NOT make me want to get married at all. From the looks of this forum, marriage looks depressing and heartbreaking, not at all fun and enjoyable as I feel mine is.

I had a very good friend lose a spouse to a car accident at a very young age (22). I try to live day to day with my husband as though he may not be here tomorrow. Perhaps if everyone would do that, we'd all appreciate our husbands and wives a little more.

If I've offended anyone, I do sincerely apologize, but I find most of this whole marriage forum completely offensive and inappropriate. Where's the love? Where are the feelings that were there when you married your spouse or met your spouse? Where did all of the anger, resentment and hostility come from that I see on this forums?

Personally, I think this forum should be re-named to the Marriage Gripefest, because it's certainly not a ministry.

 

[hisbloodformysins]

Personally, I'm glad that I have a place where I can gripe. Unfortunately, you can't change things, especially the personallity of a forum, it's a losing battle. But there are others that share your sentiment, and you may bond well with them and find it uplifting and helpful, good luck.

This is a marriage ministry forum in which will draw people that are negative about their marriages, I think that if the administrator wanted something different, then he/she ought to change the name of the forum, and make strict guidelines regarding not bagging on your spouse.

On the other hand, it's unfortunate that you don't find it a good uplifting place, i'm sure if you searched around the web you'd come across something more to your liking. But as for me, I'm glad there is a place like this.

 

[Tangnefedd]

I think they maybe some folk let too much hang out about their marriage, especially if they intend staying in the relationship. Telling the whole world about their problems may not be helpful. However Cammie you imply, and pardon me if I have read you wrongly, that it is the wife to appease the husband when things go wrong. Surely both partners in a marriage need to pull together. Appeasement never works in the long term, the appeaser will soon get fed up and hurts will fester.

 

[JillLars]

Unfortunately Cammie, not everyone has great communication skills like you do. Many times people have problems, and they don't feel like they can talk to their spouse, or they have talked to their spouse, but can't reach a solution. People coming here are hurting, they are looking for Christian advice and support (which usually directs them to talk with their spouse, and gives them advice how to.) Problem solving isn't something that comes naturally to everyone, and sometimes people need a push in the right direction, I hope that this forum can do this for people.

While there are people who come in here griping, reading through the threads, these people usually realize that they too are responsible for the things happening in their marriage, and usually make steps to improve things.

Also, marriage is a new experience for most people, so when certain problems arise, they may have no idea how to handle things. Many people ask advice from parents, friends, siblings, ect. to help them approach the problem, rather than just bumbling through it.

While it may seem honorable to you to just work through your problems with no outside support, it is not always the smartest decision to make.

 

[Tangnefedd]

Cammie is a young lady with very definite views on life, many young people have them and that is fine, I did myself. With a little bit more experience of life and maturity, the certainties are not quite so black and white, but a shade of grey, I cringe when I think of some of the stuff I came out with in my teenage years and 20's, LOL!!!!!

 

[MsDe]

In my opinion, open honest communication is usually what's needed in most marriages, whether troubled or wonderful. Many hear that and think they need to start spouting off about what's wrong with the spouse. It's not easy to dig down inside for the real emotions, but practicing 'I feel' statements really help. For example, I told hubby recently, "I feel neglected and hurt when you play your computer game for hours on end." For the longest time I'd say "You know, it really pi**es me off when you play your stupid game!" With the help of a marriage counselor, we've come a long way in our communicating our feelings with each other.

It's not easy to open up about our feelings. We're vunerable when we do that, and that can be very scary. The benefits are well worth it though.

 

[JillLars]

MsDe, Good post!

I think its important to point out that you and your husband had help from a marriage counseler. Learning about things like using "I feel" statements puts you (and others who know things like that) in a better position to help others (on this forum or elsewhere) who have problems, you are able to say, "this has worked for us, why don't you give it a try."

There's a lot of people out there who just don't know how to communicate, and a little friendly advice never hurts.

 

[stonehands]

When someone has a problem in their marriage and have nowhere else to turn to, these forums are a great place for advice. People don't come seeking advice when things are going well. So that is the reason for the majority of posts being negative. I'm sure in the vast majority of these people's marriages the good outweighs the bad, but we just don't get a chance to see the good because people don't feel the need to seek out advice when things are going great in their marriage.

 

[hisbloodformysins]

In my opinion, open honest communication is usually what's needed in most marriages, whether troubled or wonderful. Many hear that and think they need to start spouting off about what's wrong with the spouse. It's not easy to dig down inside for the real emotions, but practicing 'I feel' statements really help. For example, I told hubby recently, "I feel neglected and hurt when you play your computer game for hours on end." For the longest time I'd say "You know, it really pi**es me off when you play your stupid game!" With the help of a marriage counselor, we've come a long way in our communicating our feelings with each other.

It's not easy to open up about our feelings. We're vunerable when we do that, and that can be very scary. The benefits are well worth it though.

As someone who has some college education and applicable knowledge tought to be a professional communicator of sorts- I know what it means to use "I" language, rather than attacking the person. But even then not everyone is open to that, becuase they are too sensitive or something. Sometimes no matter what you do, it's really up to the other person to make the decision to work at it also. What's sad is that you can't control the other person, and when the other person plays a passive or inactive role in working out the problems in a relationship.

 

[MsDe]

As someone who has some college education and applicable knowledge tought to be a professional communicator of sorts- I know what it means to use "I" language, rather than attacking the person. But even then not everyone is open to that, becuase they are too sensitive or something. Sometimes no matter what you do, it's really up to the other person to make the decision to work at it also. What's sad is that you can't control the other person, and when the other person plays a passive or inactive role in working out the problems in a relationship.

You're so right about it taking two to communicate. Hubby and I both knew we were going to lose our marriage if we didn't do something, and yet talking turned into arguments which harbored hurt feelings and resentment.

We started going to a marriage counselor almost two years ago and we still see her every week. We've learned a number of things, including having 'time out' signs (mine's a small picture of a stop sign glued to some cardboard) to use when either of us thinks the conversation is getting too heated and will or has turned into an argument. We'll both cool off and do some thinking, then try to come back to the discussion.

Rephrasing what the other person said is another thing we learned. Often times we like to think we know exactly what the other person said, but we've found through rephrasing it often isn't the case. The expression 'I know you think you understand what I said, but what you think I said isn't what I meant' comes to mind.

 

[brettnolan]

I agree with all of you on some levels, but I think I'll add a little to Cammie's thoughts. One tends to get the feeling that a majority of these "griping" posts are from folks looking for an excuse to bail out of their marriage, even when they expressly state that's not what they are doing. I mean, really, most of the time, these folks are familiar with all the Scripture that we generally answer with before they even ask their questions. Often they get angrier or more depressed when we offer that advice.

I think this forum is a good place for people to come who are not good at communicating directly with their spouse, although I don't think it will solve the problem. They may be able to get an insight as to how their spouse might be feeling. Unfortunately, I get the feeling that, most of the time, that point is missed. Also, they should come in with the mindset that they are GOING TO get advice contrary to what they probably actually want to do. In other words, if they are willing to ask someone for advice, then they also need to be willing to CONSIDER that advice valid and not immediately reject it because it isn't what they wanted to hear.

It's particularly hard when you're not happy in your marriage, but that was a decision that you made that you now have to live with, good or bad. And IT'S UP TO YOU to make the best you can of it, whether your spouse thinks everything is peachy or not.

 

[hisbloodformysins]

I'm glad this forum is here, regardless of opposing opinions. Phew. And regardless if I personally do things the way everyone thinks things should be done. I think I can even come in here with bad motives, and yet be blessed. But even so I don't care if others see it that way, that's between none other than me and God.

I take this a little personally because I'm probably one of the ones you'all are referring to because I can be quite negative at times. I'm glad that there are a lot of different opinions, because some will be helpful and what I want or need to hear, and some won't. I can take away from it the good.

 

[katelyn]

Personally, I think this forum should be re-named to the Marriage Gripefest, because it's certainly not a ministry.

But isn't a large part of ministry helping those in need? I don't think it would be much of a ministry if everyone came and only reported how happy they were...

Don't get me wrong, I know what you mean about putting down spouses and everything. And the things you said about change starting with you rather than the other person are very good advice. But people have to feel free to come here and voice their concerns, even if we don't like the way they say it or the attitude they have about it. Otherwise, how are others going to be able to give them sound advice like that?

 

[GirlieGirl]

I think the best way to change this forum is to post topics that don't involve griping about your spouse. If you want to see a change, make it happen....otherwise you're just griping about griping.

 

[Cordy]

I honestly don’t think the majority of stuff here is complaining. I am thankful that we have a place to share and get advice. I think the focus is on how to work things out, not how to put our spouses down. And I don’t think peoples should fear coming on here and opening themselves up for some advice just because people might think they are complaining. I think many marriages would be saved if people turned to outside advice for consideration. Often times, in many problems, it is that outside perspective that helps us see what we might miss and help is change things for the better. I think that is a true ministry!

 

[Jenna]

I like the forum, and I think that it has a lot of value. I do see where as a whole, we could improve the 'vibe' of the place though. Maybe if we all made a bigger effort to participate in more positive threads, it would help to change the feel of the place.

That said, it is nice to have a place to talk with people and to bounce ideas and problems off each other. It would be sad to have it given up to pure negativity by such an interesting name change. It is good to have the topic brought up though. Positive change can only take place once we recognize that there is something lacking in the first place.

 

[TCapp]

I don't gripe about my wonderful hubby.

 

[Christi]

I think sometimes it's not a matter of "griping and complaining", it's just a matter of "these are my feelings, honest and raw, maybe wrong.....I need godly advice." The problem I've seen is not so much the posters, but the responders. It's seems like every tiny little thing sometimes, is enough to make some people say "You shouldn't have to put up with that! blah, blah, blah..." It bothers me, because there are real things that spouses SHOULDN'T have to "put up with"; (abuse, adultery.) But things like "having sex when your husband's in the mood and you aren't", or "they think the house should be cleaner, but you're not their slave" are not things that people outside the marriage should be instigating distance/and or divorce over. There are lots of things that aren't fair in marriage, as in life, on both sides. I would never post a marital problem in this forum, not because I don't have any. But because I feel that the advice I'd get is what I'd want to hear, but not necessarily what God wants me to follow. That's just my opinion.

 

[wandering_celt]

I'll be honest. I'm feeling rather exasperated after reading this. So just where does a Christian man or woman go to get advice and share, honestly, their feelings about their spouse? Families don't want to hear it, or they're too close to the situation to help. I've never had a friend I could be brutally honest with about these sorts of things. The church- please, if it isn't a Bible study or basic social outreach forget it. And when I was speaking with a counselor and asking a straight forward question like "So is this normal in a relationship?", I got the suggestion that perhaps I should get involved in a men's group at church. Men's group- we prayed for the church, pastor, etc.

So I come here, and I figure that this is a place where no one knows me and if I say anything embarassing to my soon-to-be ex-spouse or family, who will know. No harm done. I can be honest here. After 20 years of keeping it in I can finally unhide some of the stuff I've put up with from my verbally abusive, controlling wife. Now it seems that that isn't so. I guess I've got to put a nice face on everything so as not to offend the people who have good marriages, and who can tell there spouse how they feel without it becoming a 5 or 6 hour long argument over nothing, until I admit guilt about everything including the Kennedy assasination just to end it.

I guess this answers my notion about posting a series of questions about how people relate to their spouses in various situations. I'm sure that people would end up complaining and being negative about their spouse. Man, why is the Christian community so afraid to admit that there are problems in the real world and we are a part of that world.

So now I ask a question. Where DO I go? I guess back to the secular support group I was attending, because the church doesn't seem to want to deal with the reality of marriage today.

I know that tomorrow, after some sleep, I'll feel differently about this. I just had to get this out or my head was going to explode. Please folks, remember that there is a world of walking wounded out there and just because your life is good, it isn't for everyone.

 

[brettnolan]

Man, why is the Christian community so afraid to admit that there are problems in the real world and we are a part of that world...
...the church doesn't seem to want to deal with the reality of marriage today.
...there is a world of walking wounded out there and just because your life is good, it isn't for everyone.

ALL too true.

I believe the concern is this:

If you're married and you constantly complain about your marriage to ANYONE; friends (particularly friends of the opposite sex), family, internet, journal, etc., in MOST cases, they are going to take your side and agree with you on almost every issue. The danger in this is that you rarely if ever get a dissenting opinion, or get an issue thrown back on you as YOUR problem, not your spouses'. This will continue to drive the wedge in your marriage deeper. Further, at SOME point, you MUST talk directly to your spouse or he/she may not even realize that there is a problem.

Again, I don't think Cammie is trying to say let's not deal with the problems in our marriages, but let's talk about them objectively, being introspective and taking our share of the balme, a not looking for someone to give us the okay to bail.

make sense?