In response to the OP,
I am a man, so I hope you don't mind if I respond. My wife is a dynamic individual. She also likes to pray, go to intercessor meetings, and be involved in various types of ministry. Several years ago, she was leading a woman's discipleship meeting, a small group which was part of a larger women's meeting at a church. It really seemed to be bearing fruit. I am not sure if she still had this going on during the time period I am discussing, but that gives a little bit of background about her.
When she got pregnant the first time, she got into this mode where she was really disrespectful to me. She had been so sweet for two years. Then, it was a constant stream of criticism. She was like that up through the end of post-partum blues, but part of that time we were in the US, a new country for her, and staying with my parents. So it was a high stress time. And eventually, she got out of the critical mode. Probably she felt convicted about it.
The last time she was pregnant, she got like that again. As a husband, I wanted to be kind and gentle with her especially because she was pregnant. She'd get upset over the smallest thing. One time I said something so generic and neutral to her, and she broke down crying. She left the house. She'd never done that before. I found out when I saw the car was not in it's parking space outside. Fortunately, she went to a trustworthy older woman's house, a Filippina we knew, who advised her to call me. We agreed for her to spend the night there and come back in time to drive the kids to school in the morning.
I'd been shocked at her disrespect toward me when I was trying to put dishes away, how she rudely bumped me aside and did it her way. At that point, I started thinking about it. She wasn't normally like this, but there was a seed of it that would show up from time to time, and it had occurred to me that I had not consistently prayed for her about it. I realized I was wrong in that area.
So when she was gone that night, I prayed for her to the Lord. My wife had just told me about a word of knowledge she'd gotten for someone, and something that person said that confirmed it. I remembered that. And I told the Lord if he could talk to her about these other people, He could talk to her about her own issues with respect toward me, etc. So I went through a detailed list of things.
I posted a message about this on this forum probably in late 2011 or early 2012 that contained the phrase 'miraculous answers to pray' or something along those lines. I had maybe seven things I'd prayed for.
My argument before the Lord was that it was not His will that His children behave in this manner. I knew He loved His daughter and wanted her to improve in these areas. And the Bible says anything we ask according to His will, we know that we have it. So I knew that He would do what I asked. It was one of those times where I could tell that I believed that I had what I'd prayed for. I had prayed the Lord would speak to her to correct her about these things.
A few nights later, she came back from this 'life change' ministry she was going to. She came back home and was sitting on the coach and invited me to sit next to her.
Uh-oh, did she want to argue or criticize me? Based on the past weeks or months, that was what that would mean. But she had a rather affectionate loving look on her face, so I sat down. She started telling me I was a good husband and giving me reasons why she was saying that. And she started to apologize.
She told me that the Lord had spoken to her that night. At the meeting they were talking about anger that night. Part of the night was spent with small groups discussing at a table. They talked about anger issues. My wife thought to herself that it did not apply to her. Then the leader at the table said if you get upset at your husband for the way he does the dishes, you probably have an anger problem. I think the leader may have said something else that she did. She realized she had an issue that the Lord wanted to deal with.
At great length, she took me through what the Lord had told her about maybe five of my seven prayer requests. I'd tried to talk to her about some of these issues, and it had turned into an argument, and some I had just not been able to bring up. She mentioned issues I'd prayed about how like how her dad and step-mom's relationship hadn't given her a good role model in some ways for marriage and gave her some wrong expectations. I'd been wanting to mention that to her. She told me about certain ways she'd let her mind think negative thoughts about me that weren't true-- something I specifically prayed about. It went on and on down my prayer list. If I'd prayed a sentence, and she was telling me a couple of prayers about each sentence.
Over the next several weeks, she came to me on different occassions and told me how the Lord spoke to her about other things. For example, I'd prayed something related to I Peter 3, and she came to me telling me how the Lord had spoken to her about that. I am purposefully being vague about it because this forum does not allow discussion of wives submitting to their husbands the last I checked.
The great thing about this was after the prayer and the Lord working on her, she really changed. She just became so sweet. For a while there, though, I'd see her standing alone by herself crying. She'd remember some harsh word she'd said to me, and was crying because of doing that. She'd apologize. It was like our marriage reset. We stayed up talking, one night until 2 AM, just enjoying each other's company as if we were newly weds. It's like emotionally, we went through another Honeymood period (though she was quite far along in the pregnancy, so it wasn't exactly like a Honeymoon.)
After that, if she behaved in ways that were disrespectful to me (which could happen a bit a few months later), I'd call her on it right away. Like once she was being a bit bossy talking to me with her hands on her hips and I pointed that out. I didn't like it, so I told her. I realized there is a lot of stuff in the Psalms about rebuking someone you love appropriately.
These issues in my marriage were mostly helped by God working on my wife, but I can do my own part. My wife has her own relationship with God. I don't see where the Bible uses 'spiritual leader' for the man. It does say the man is the head, and encourages women to ask their husbands questions. The Bible speaks of the bride being washed with the water of the word.
I am thinking now I probably need to pray more with my wife, and not just briefly. I am probably better at doing that with the kids. But one thing I started doing with my wife from time to time, is just reading the Bible to her. It didn't have to be anything fancy. I know she knows a lot of stuff.
For you, I just wanted to encourage you to pray for your wife, and pray with faith. If you know it is not God's will for your wife to behave a certain way, then take that verse about knowing you have what you ask for if it is God's will and run with it. (I can't really think of a good case for the 'Calvinist' type usage of the 'will of God' in the Bible, the idea that everything that happens is His will.) Pray in faith and believe God.
Other things you might try are the type of rebuking in Proverbs. If she's billigerent, then that may be difficult, since it can turn into an argument. I have found at times, calling my wife on doing something wrong or displaying a bad attitude toward me can be effective on the occasions it happens.
My wife is a good wife, too. She's a blessing to so many people, myself included. She has gone through some grumpy times, and like all of us, there are things that need 'tweeking.' I'm sure she could describe many things about my that have changed and how she's prayed for me, too. I know posts like this can seem one-sided.
If the women's ministry is from your church, and she's teaching the young women, but isn't there for you or her own children, you should also consider your pastoral responsibilities. She may recharge her emotionally batteries doing this ministry, but if she reproduces herself in these people so to speak, when she has these marriage problems, is that really a good thing. I know I am talking about something that could lead to a big argument, but you have to consider it.
Some women may be the type that will fight you tooth and nail over a decision, be angry at you, but later not respect you if you didn't hold your ground. About some things, you may need to have to risk her arguing with you if you need to make a decision and you are in the right, and let her cool down or whatever.
As far as affairs go, I don't anything about your wife. It wasn't an issue with my wife's attitude, but of course she was pregnant at the time of the events I posted about. Even if she said you should have married someone else, that doesn't necessarily mean she is having an affair. You could be on the lookout for clues. Pray about it. Don't become irrationally jealous, of course. Some women turn cold emotionally toward their husbands because of affairs. Some just turn cold for other reasons. Your wife is distant from her children, you say. So some people are thinking depression rather than an affair.
Maybe you could read up on depression, talk to her, and see if she has any symptoms. If she is distant from you, that doesn't mean she has a medical condition. As far as meds go, Americans take so many times more meds than the rest of the world. I am not saying medicine couldn't help, but if there is some other spiritual or practical solution, maybe she could take that.
Is there something she likes doing with you? Does she like going for walks? Does she like talking for hours? Did she in the past? If it's a steady stream of criticism toward you, I wouldn't go for that for hours if I were you, until that attitude got changed. Maybe there are some activities you can do together.
If her attitude toward you and other issues are a sore point, you could talk to her about how important it is to have prayer in the family. Then you could tell her you wanted to spend some time praying and reading the Bible with her and with the kids every day or every night.
What I have found with my wife, is on rare occasions, we'll get into a rut where we don't get along. Usually this happens during times of stress, like during unemployment, extended visits to in-laws, etc. Basically, she'll often say things critical of me-- sometimes legitimate, sometimes not. Then something about the way I talk to her comes off as I don't want to engage with her. So that puts her in a more critical mode. It's a cycle. So if that starts happening, I'll just ask her to pray with me. We confess our sins to each other, ask God for help. That's gotten us out of that cycle. On her end, if she's being negative and critical, I think she knows it and doesn't want to be that way.
We went through a week or two of that cycle a few months back while visiting my mom for a while. We went outside, prayed through, and asked God for help, and that stopped the cycle and we could get back on track with a more normal relationship where we can enjoy each other's company again. Relationship issues can be hard to fix, but there are not to hard for the Lord.