Needing advice (adultery)

[savedthroughgrace]

What exactly are you struggling with, though? Being faithful?

No.
Feeling forgiveness from God. Feeling condemned. Shame. Guilt. Embarrassment. Believing that she couldn't possibly forgive me and accept me.

 

[savedthroughgrace]

On the rebaptism thing, in our denomination, it's done on occasion. (Southern Baptist here) Usually for someone who made a profession of faith and was baptized, but then later questioned if the profession was sincere. Baptism isn't in any way tied to your salvation in that you have to be baptized the "right way" to be saved, nor is it a method of confession of sins for the end goal of absolution. Instead, it is an outward expression of your profession of faith. If you feel that when you were baptized the first time you weren't actually saved and therefore your profession of faith was invalid, I would understand feeling the need to get baptized again now that you are.

This is all something that you should go over with a spiritual mentor - like your FIL pastor. DO NOT tell him about the adultery, but your salvation story and baptism would be fine. As for being pressured to serve in church leadership, you can simply say that you don't feel that God is calling you to that role at this time. If you go to him with the confession that you are questioning your salvation, that will probably get him off your back for a while about serving.

Thank you. I wouldn't say he's "on my back" about it. He told me to think about some training and my guilt immediately flooded in. I feel unworthy and disqualified. It's just something that has been weighing on me.

 

[Deidre32]

No.
Feeling forgiveness from God. Feeling condemned. Shame. Guilt. Embarrassment. Believing that she could possibly forgive me and accept me.

Ahhh, okay. I was like, what? lol

That will take time. It's hard to forgive ourselves. You probably don't forgive yourself, yet...but she has...and God has, and the hard part is...to 'go and sin no more.' We all struggle with sin, and it's hard to not feel guilty over it. Just stay close to Jesus, he will be your refuge.

 

[Mountainmanbob]

No.
Feeling forgiveness from God. Feeling condemned. Shame. Guilt. Embarrassment. Believing that she couldn't possibly forgive me and accept me.

Very common and helps to remind us not to do that again today.

A healthy conscience is a blessing.

M-Bob

 

[Dave-W]

No.
Feeling forgiveness from God. Feeling condemned. Shame. Guilt. Embarrassment. Believing that she couldn't possibly forgive me and accept me.

I struggle with that myself; have for over 50 years. My pastor gets on me about it from time to time. He says (rightfully so) that holding a grudge against myself is me listening to the “accuser of the brethren” rather than the Spirit of God. And listening to that guy does nothing to help my walk before God. It has the exact opposite effect.

 

[DZoolander]

I agree with the other people here that you ought not be telling your in-laws about this. I'm a pretty forgiving person, but I don't forget. If someone did that to my daughter - the "I don't forget" part would become a huge problem over the long haul.

I also agree that you ought not continue talking to your wife about it. She seems like she's been incredibly forgiving about it so far. But, you continuing to talk to her about it again and again is like poking the hive. I don't think ANYONE could remain a good source of impartial advice and direction under those circumstances when they're involved in the way she is. I'd think that continuing to talk to her about it again and again would be like picking at a scab.

I think everyone (myself included) has two sides to themselves. There's the side that they feel is right to present - which is filtered by a lot of different beliefs and attitudes. Then there's the unfiltered side that they try to keep in check that hasn't been fully mulled over yet. Depending on the intensity of the situation - those two can overlap.

Like, say my wife came to me and told me she had an affair. If I had it within myself to accept it as graciously as your wife did and almost instantly "forgive" - I can absolutely guarantee you that there would be a MASSIVE swell of unresolved crap that I was keeping under wraps for the sake of not wanting to further damage the relationship with statements I might later regret (and I think that even in that situation - there are things you could say that you would later regret).

I know, I've experienced it. I have it within myself to be vicious verbally with people. Some of the stuff I remember saying to my mom when I was a teenager during our conflicts embarrasses me to this day. I mean - stuff I knew would be cruel to say and get at her deeply - but I lacked the judgement and maturity not to say it. In the conflict - I lost my judgement. As I grew older that taught me a lot of lessons about when and how to say things - so I'm very careful about my words as an adult.

If she chose to use me as a sounding board right off the bat - talking to me about what she did - how she did it - who she did it with - where she did it - how many times she did it - how many people she did it with - how bad it made her feel - how she didn't know whether God forgave her - this - that - etc...it would just keep picking at me and reminding me of it. There's would be a time when it would just become too much and I would boil over. It's just a matter of time before those two "sides" would cross - and I would say stuff that I'd probably later regret.

So for those reasons - I don't think your wife is a great sounding board. Your in-laws aren't either. Your friends - those that can keep you accountable - are. Or getting a therapist would be another route to take.

 

[savedthroughgrace]

Hi all!

Sorry for the late update. I have been lurking in the shadows of the forums but not posting!

My wife and I are doing well. We did go to counseling and it very much helped us understand why we are who we are (based on upbringing and past experiences)and how to best work together and thrive. (expectations, needs, desires, etc.) We were referred to a Chrtistian counselor who spoke truth in love and made both of us feel safe and able to open up. Our marriage has been awesome. I still struggle with negative emotions and I have to pray often to be reminded that through Christ I am forgiven and He has not forsaken me. I appreciate the advice given here also. We did not disclose to family and moved on with very busy life. More time is required for further healing, but we make a great team and I work every day at being a good husband and father (we have a 6 month old!)

Some sources that were interesting and helpful;

Symbus - assessment by the Parrot's that lays out where you are likely to clash and likely to mesh. This can be used for premarital counseling or as a married couple.
The Love Dare
5 Love Languages

I will be more than happy to address anything I neglected to update. I know when I'm following someones story on the forums it can be sad to not know the outcome!