Need your help/advice

[Thatguy94]

I have been married for 4.5 years. She is 22, and I am 23. I am a cop, she is a sales rep and student. The last ten months of marriage has been extremely rough. I worked third shifts, this was a problem for my wife. The sex had lacked greatly, both in quality and quantity. There were many nights were I’d get in bed, with her asleep, and feel like a complete stranger in our house and next to her. I felt like I was in a hot and cold status with her in regards to her love for me. She seemed like she wanted me around at times, and not so much at other times.

This first big arguement/discussion happened over the phone (I was on a two week trip) after feeling this way for about four months. The discussion centered mostly around sex and how I was feeling neglected, both in the quantity and quality. And that I was deeply hurt by this. As two very young people who were married, this was a red flag to me and possibly indicated an emotional issue to me. The discussion basically ended with she not feeling good a lot of the time and the fact that I was in third shift made for bad timing. However, she said she’d make more of an effort, even though their shift was hurting our marriage. I came back home from the trip, and the sex improved. Talks about third shift ruining our marriag still came up and so I transferred to second shift. It’s 4 days on, 3 off, and I keep a normal sleep schedule now. I moved to second shift because she felt like third shift was causing a lot, if not all of our problems. She said I was always sleeping and cranky, even on my off days. I’d say she was being distant with me and and partially shut me out, emotionally.

Fats track to the mid summer time frame. Sex is gotten better. Marriage is okay, at best. We have a couple of HUGE arguements. I reinforce that I feel emotionally cut off from her, from her doing. The sex issue gets brought up, even though it’s not as much as an issue. And other things are mentioned for ex: she sent me a picture one day of a guy that lives in our town (small town) that wears a suit and tie and said “my next husband”. She took his picture for her job. She always expressed, in my current job and previous, that she always thought about how good I’d look in a suit and tie for work. Which secretly tore me down and a little each time and made me feel my profession wasn’t good enough. There were three things discussed, but I can’t remember. One issue also included how she flipped a switch and told multiple friends we had over, in our house, that they needed to get out. And caused a big scene and tried to control me being outside with them, saying goodbye.

We “kinda” resolve these arguments by agreeing to be more giving and caring for each other. To be better to each other and so on. She hears my side of the arguement that I feel emotionally hurt by her because I feel shut off in ways, but doesn’t understand it. I had multiple thoughts, and a few individuals chime in, that she might have had someone on the side. Which could explain the sex and the emotional disconnect. I’d ask her here and here and bike about it with her, and then I’d casually think “no, she wouldn’t do that, idk why all this is going on, but it can’t be because of that”.

Well, he’s where my infidelity comes in. I met this girl, I like the attention, I fall into it. This girl and I talked for about 1.5 months. Emotional and sexual things in nature. I meet up with her a couple times for a quick hello what’s up. The end. I felt bad about what I was doing to my wife, I told the girl I couldn’t talk to her anymore and end it. A week later, my wife comes out of the bedroom holding my watch, crying and yelling. She had found some texts on my watch that was sexual in nature with that girl....there are A LOT of tears that night by both of us. I get down in my knees, ask for forgiveness, admit to what I’ve done, answer questions, beg for her, tell her I’d do anything, admit my guilt and wrong doing. 6 hours of this, we fall asleep together holding each other, after being intimate. That night she stated she’d never forgive or forget. That whole week was very rough, lots of tears, by us both. Lots of questions from her. Lots of checking my phone (I was okay and agreed to it), I had shattered her heart. We both looked and scipture and admitted we had drifted from God. But each day, (this week) would end hopeful, that we would make it through this and God would pull us through.

A month and a half goes by. We argue almsot everyday. About what I did, what she feels, her new rules set in place, for example, I can’t go to any restaurant and eat without her. Literally an argument everyday. A bad one everyday. We had apps on our phones to track each other, not out of paranoia, one is for apple
Products and the other I had in her phone (and consequently mine) to alert me if she ever dialed 911. She tracks me every hour, questions my previous locations within that hour, asks why I’m parked at certain spots (I’m a cop), asks me why I’m with my coworker (male) in the weirdest spots. Brings up the girl constantly. Talks about how she will never forgive me. Prints out my phone and text records multiple times. Questions why I sent my friends/coworkers so many texts. Compares how much I texted her. These arguements always happen when I’m at work. And when her and I together, we have intimate quality time together, like we’re okay, like she is dealing with this stress I’ve put her through, okay.

One night, I’m at work, we get into it worse that what’s been going on the last month and a half. Over the phone, She accuses me of being intimate with my friend (a guy!). She stated this and it clicked in my head, I lost it, I told her I didn’t love her anymore and I want a divorce. She gets very emotional over the phone. I ended up going home that night and her and I had a long talk, I told her that I didn’t mean that I didn’t lover her anymore and that I said it out of anger. But I do want a divorce (this has been said multiple times by me and her this last 1.5 months). We decide to make it work and “make up” Then the next couple of days, we seem okay! Like our marriage is finally on the up and up. We’re both being sweet to each other, she’s not demanding that we meet up multiple times a day, while I’m at work. I still go see her a few times though, cause I actually have the room to “want” to go see her instead of feeling pressured to. On the last “good” night she sends me a text saying, “I’m deleting these tracking apps. I can’t ever trust you again by checking on you every hour. This is good for me and us.” I’m amazed and really feel like we are recovering.

The next morning, I’m buying her flowers and her favorite body wash, and she sends me a long text that said she can’t stand to look at me, doesn’t love me anymore, doesn’t have feelings for me anymore, and that she needs to get away from me. She leaves for the weekend. I texted her just a little, saying I miss her. I’m feeling shattered at this point but am trying to give her room. She does come home on the second day to get clothes. We barely speak. But due to the timing of the tracking apps being deleted and her deciding to leave for the weekend, I asked her if there was someone else, she said, “no, it’s none of your business”. I also noticed she took her ring off and put it in her jewelry box. I’m shattered. She leaves. She comes back home the next night. Won’t speak to me, look at Me. I sleep in the living room or the other bedroom. I bring her flowers, cards, coffee, anything to show her I care And want her. Nothing. I find a second Facebook that she has. She appears single in it and has no mention of me. I believe it was created the second day of her decide if she was done with me. She says “it’s case we don’t Make it.” She has also changed her passcode in her phone. One night she says if I quit my job, everything will be better and that the only thing that will make her better. Her logic is that I met the girl while I was working and therefor, the job presents opportunities. I told her I would not quit my job. Her family has come into town for a few days, and she requests that we act normal for their sake. We did, and the fake ness killed me. I still showered her with an expensive gift. Trying to win her over. We were at dinner, and I asked to see her phone to look up store hours, her phone was right there with us at the table, and she gets reluctant, but does give it to me. I’m really thinking she has someone at this point

Her family left, and we had our first (my second) counseling session. We leave the country seeking session and my take was that I need to be EXTENELY available for her right now and put aside my life at the moment to show her I care and want to fix this. Both her and I had different plans this day, I canceled mine and told her. She stated that she was still going out. I’m left shattered again. Hoping counseling would spark something. She goes out, but texts me a couple hours later and states that she is coming home to me to have an evening with me. We had a wonderful night of homemade dinner, movies, cuddles, and intimate time,twice. The next day (today), she is cold towards me. I walked in in her on a phone call that she adbruptly stopped and muted and states she’s talking to a friend and will be done in awhile, asks me to leave the room. Her cold shift, from the night before and other things mentioned above, Facebook, going away for a weekend, adds into my suspicion that there is someone else. She also stated she doesn’t really want me in the bedroom, for the night, with her because it’s too intimate. This drives me crazy. We talk...I ask her if there is someone else, she calls me paranoid, says no and that it’s also non of my business because of what I’ve done. She says she’s still not sure what she wants to do, as far as dickirce or stay together. I ask her how she could tell me she loved me last night and have the type of night we did, and then switch back to this. She told me to go to a friends house for a few days so she could think. I told her that what she’s doing to me I st fair, that I know I messed up, but you can’t drag me along like this while you decide and give me mixed signals. I asked her what she got out of counseling yesterday, and she said “I don’t know, to pray and force myself to love you and the. I will love you again”.

The conversation ends. Here i am sleeping in the other room. I feel Confused and hurt. I feel like I’m losing my mind and I really am. I know I hurt her deeply, and I’ve repented for it, to her and God. Multiple times. I’m just so lost in what to do, what to think about all this, how to act?? Like I said, my pastor said I need to make myself EXTREMELY available, I’ve told her, friends and hobbies are not going to be in my life right now, that I’m just focused on her and fixing us, but she has said she doesn’t k ow what she wants.

I’m just shattered and need advice?

.

 

[DZoolander]

The biggest problem I see is that you're both really young, and you jumped into marriage before you both were mature enough to be able to handle the stresses and issues that come along with it. Married 4.5 years and she's 22...did you marry when she was 17 or something? Or just turned 18?

The vacillations you see in her behavior are a consequence of that. Young people are fickle - and the way they react to new and inexperienced emotions is chaotic. Her thoughts are probably a mixture of "I love him", "I can't forgive him", "I don't know what to do", "This is the only person I've ever been with", "I have nearly 5 years invested in this" (which is a long time when you're 22), "I'm not supposed to divorce", etc...and she alternates between them. She probably wonders if she did the right thing getting married so young. She probably has friends telling her that.

You're just as guilty of that. I mean it sounds like all of this has transpired within a span of 10 months? I've got some news for ya bub. 10 months isn't that long. One of the other quirky things about being young is that time seems more dragged out - and you tend to get impatient prematurely. The fact that you could go from being relatively good, to upset, to upset enough to strike up a conversation with a new girl, to evolve that conversation to something sexual, to actually meeting the girl and feeling it out, etc...within the span of a couple of months is testament of that.

You're going to have dry spells in marriage. You're going to have phases where you love each other intensely, and you're going to have phases where you're kinda annoyed by the person. Those phases can last a while. You're going to have phases where you're really intimate, and you're going to have phases where "ehhh, not so much", and those phases will last a while as well. You have to take them in stride and work through them. You don't go getting all emotionally bent out of shape to the point where you start talking to other people. The fact you let it get that bad that quick is a bad sign. 3-4 months in the grand scheme of things is nothing. You need to stop analyzing things on a moment to moment basis if you both want things to survive AND also to be a good spouse.

All of which doesn't really resolve the issue at hand...which is how hurt she feels...the chaos that results from it...combined with all of these emotions being new to her due to lack of experience. To that end - there really isn't much you can do except ride it out - be the best spouse you can be regardless of what may come - and let the chips fall where they may. The very nature of what's going on makes it a roller coaster, and it's going to be one. She will approach, and she will back away. Don't go throwing the fact that she approached into her face and ask her why she's inconsistent when she backs away.

What you need to hope for is that the times of approaching become more frequent than the times of backing away...and that the times of closeness continue to grow greater than the times of emotional absence. The balance should hopefully be shifting in that direction - but don't expect her to one day wake up and go "Hey, all is cool" and never hear about it again. Your relationship will change - both as a consequence of this - and as a consequence of you both getting older. For you to expect that at some moment she will have worked through all of her issues and you'll both be done with this is unreasonable - and it ain't gonna happen. It's the balance that I was talking about before that matters...so that someday you'll get back to a point where it's pretty much mostly always close - and infrequently distant. Don't push her.

That's my best advice.

 

[DZoolander]

And you need to stop threatening divorce.

I've been divorced...and at my ripe age of 47 one more little bit of advice...don't use that word unless you actually mean it. It's not a tool to threaten people into complying with what you want or to show them that you're "serious". Divorce is a decision you make for yourself only after you've tried everything else, at least in my opinion.

I didn't threaten my ex wife with divorce. I told her things weren't going well. I told her that left as things were, it would lead to nowhere good. I attempted multiple times to fix things...and appraised her how miserable it was. But the first time the word divorce came out of my mouth was after I'd seen an attorney and filed the papers.

Some people disagree with me on that - like it's not giving the person fair warning - but that is my opinion. I've known far too many couples that just throw that word around - and I can't help but think that it's then just turned into a tool to threaten people with and as such it becomes mean. There ought be no threats IMHO. There is simply the relationship, does it make both people happy, can it be fixed, and after an honest assessment of all of those things...what do YOU want to do in light of that?

 

[HannahT]

Hoping you both continue counseling, because you both need to grow up. Yikes! You asked her here and there about infidelity, and then you end up doing it yourself? You need to have some inklings of such things instead of jumping to conclusions when she said she didn't understand your POV on the relationship. You don't rely on friends you are venting to about your relationship to talk you into thinking that. You don't cross that line unless you have FIRM suspicions you can back up. This is very damaging to use as a weapon when you are hurt.

DZoolander mentioned his views on to throw out divorce that I tend to agree with. I feel the same about infidelity charges. You dive into ways of getting her to understand your hurt, and not get frustrated and lash out like that. You tear at the core of your trust within the relationship doing things like that.

Many families struggle with 3rd shift. Your sleeping schedules are different, and your awake schedules are too. It's very difficult to do anything. We did for years, and its NOT easy. You always feel rushed to get anything in as far as 'family time' on that shift. Been there done that for years. It can be done, but it makes its harder. You both seem to want to RUSH this change, and your expectations are to high due that. lol it would NICE if you could rush it up, but its just not realistic. Switching shifts doesn't automatically fix anything.

Both of you are expecting things to happen to quick.

We leave the country seeking session and my take was that I need to be EXTENELY available for her right now and put aside my life at the moment to show her I care and want to fix this. Both her and I had different plans this day, I canceled mine and told her. She stated that she was still going out. I’m left shattered again. Hoping counseling would spark something.

I don't understand this. You both had plans - different ones. You want to show her you care, and want to fix this - be available for her - and cancel yours. Then feel shattered when she didn't do the same. Your expectations are to high here. Your expecting her to go along with your program to: put aside your life...lol and then expect her to cancel her plans so you can that? Maybe her need that day was her plans.

Sounds like you might have made her feel guilty enough to come home, but I have to wonder why you had to do this THAT very second! You seem to be pushing your 'extremely available' aspect on her, and not understanding the concept totally.

Granted you could be leaving things out that are leaving me totally confused, but you are VERY hard to read. I mean are you wanting to be available for her when she needs to feel it, or are you going to decide that for her...and then get hurt when she can't read your mind that you decided its time to do this NOW. I mean really. Read that again, and tell me it wasn't you that needed something. Your action mixes up the message you stated.

This isn't a race. It's a gradual thing. As with life - hills and valleys happen. You also need to learn to recognize when to back off, and let things simmer down. It takes patience. That doesn't mean a week or two - it means living your life that way. Giving with no expectations (within reason). It sounds like the both of you haven't figured that out yet.

Keep in mind with your job? It takes a special kind of person to be at peace with your life style. I feel the same about veterans families.

Will he come back? Will he get hurt? The worry can eat people alive. Sometimes they (family/spouse) have to back off to get back to their senses. You have to learn to balance that fear - that is real - and feeling safe enough to love too. You want that love, and yet you are taking a huge risk of your life being totally tore apart. Something no doubt veterans, fire department, etc all have in common. The man in the suit picture? Could have been one of those struggle with being married to a cop days. I'm NOT trying to tell to change jobs, but realize as annoying as this viewpoint might be...its a reality. You have to own it and respect it. It is what it is.

Continue counseling, and if they are giving you simplistic advice? Find someone else. Telling someone to be available for their wife is fine, but not being able to show them how? That's a problem. That doesn't just happen, and at times it needs to be shown/taught. It takes practice, slowing down, and basically people watch.