Need wisdom for my struggle...

[Jake49]

Hey ... This is my first post on this forum, I was looking for another forum I used to post on a few years ago, but I think it's been deleted now or something. I don't think many if any will get through it... because I ramble and babble on... but it's good to write this stuff down... and maybe someone has some wisdom.

Please give me a shout if I'm in the wrong section xD

I recently stopped going to church... I was involved in different parts of church life... I played piano in the 'worship team'.. was in my pastors leadership team (although I didnt have any leadership roles.. I just went to meetings etc)...

Anyway... I've seen my pastor, spoken and explained where I'm at... and that's done now. I've been away from church for around 6-8 months now... and my same struggles were there when I was at church... and now they're just causing more and more problems.

My struggle is both with myself and also with sources of knowledge, understanding, wisdom etc... other than my own prayer and studying the bible. E.g. other "Christians" and "Christian" teaching in books, TV, Church etc...

The struggle with myself... in as best nut shell as I can do. I just turned 25 this month. Like many many people in this world.. experiences in my past have given me a low self esteem in who I am. A pattern of the world is to hide you who are... William Shakespear said, 'God hath given you one face, and you have given yourselves another'... and in the bible a kind of similar one, 'Man looks at the outward appearance, but God looks at the heart'...

(I will get to the bit about the struggle with myself xD) ...One pattern in the world, is instead of being honest with yourself and honest with others... the negative things someone sees about themselves, makes them not want others to see who they are... both preventing honesty with oneself, honesty with others and also to do things which help you hide. The pattern... is to find a structure of values and rules to live by. The more you achieve and meet the values and apply them to your outward appearance like a mask to cover your face... the more you can hide... and create an outward appearance which reflects as what is considered 'Good' with that spiecific structure of values. This pattern can be seen in cultures, fashions, religions and all areas of society and people interacting and experiencing life.

Before I was 17 (when I began to really pursue closeness and reconsilliation with God... to be saved by him, from this world and from myself). I was good at letting people see me as 'strong' and 'confident' and 'secure'... for example, when I was in my teens... to be seen by friends as strong, confident and secure etc... the structure of values to achieve and live by... was drinking, smoking, drugs, fighting, fashion etc etc... I was able to learn the language I needed to speak to appear to be experienced with these things... as well as doing them.
Really what I was doing, which is what this 'pattern of the world' is... is I was choosing to enter and create a false world around me... reinforced by my friends who we would all agree, this structure of values we made, were real and true.. the things we valued we all agreed were respectable and 'cool' and were the good thing to do... and of course this structure of values was influenced by the world around us... the things we saw older people doing... the things we saw on TV... etc etc...

after years of doing this... Now that I'm trying to pursue closeness with God and the true identity I/we have in him... my ability to be honest with myself and honest with others.. my ability to connect and build honest friendships and relationships... really sucks. Since I was about 19 or 20... I've been to sooooooo many meetings, conferences, services, ministries... and lots of good things have happened that I am grateful for. But I fight this pattern of the world that has been drilled into me... so instead of searching to be someone who will be seen as strong, confident and secure etc... (by exploring what is the value structure of people around me, and doing good at meeting those values)....... I have wanted to really be myself and honest with who I am...

and over the last 8 years, that has left me being quiet... awkward... unable to connect with people. I know how to 'blag it' and speak to people.... but never able to really connect... to laugh... to feel inspired... and a growing boredom and dissapointment and loneliness has kicked in... so I just feel distant and isolated from people. I choose not to go back into the world to fill this space.

Anyway... I'm writing too much.. but I wanted to say the other struggle I mentioned above... which is my struggle with sources of knowledge and wisdom and understand about God and Christianity etc... (other than my own prayer and study of the bible and other things with God)...

Jesus said:
(Mt 22:37-40)Jesus replied: “ ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbour as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”

So love God
love people (including myself/oneself )...

I've got myself in my flat doing nothing... opportunity is all around me... a scripture says, 'The word that saves is as close as the toung in your mouth and the heart in your chest'... I believe something that I cannot see... that the way is right infront of my nose... But I'm dissillusioned by the world... by man... by religion... by myself...
Martin Luther King said, 'The spirit of man does not move without great difficulty against all the apathy of conformist thought, within ones own bossom and in the surrounding world'...

Too much "Chistian" views, perceptions, teachings seem to manipulate the bible that I read... into the patterns of the world... which is to create their own structure of values and laws... to create a false, phychological reality of the mind to 'exist' in (not live!)... this is not the freedom that Jesus has made available to man... this is conforming to patterns of the world... and I feel stuck in it and surrounded by it... even from sources which declare themselves to be from God.

Anyway... I don't want to go to church now, I havn't found people who can be honest with me and that I can be honest with them... and build friendships/family with as Jesus teaches. But I don't want my apathy to take over... I don't want to be swollowed up by the world... God chose not to cast me away from him and be totally lost and without the Light of truth... but I feel stuck right now... that's my struggle...
I could go off and live the most self centrered life... seek more pleasures and gourge myself on every transient pleasure filled experience I can get... I'm a musician... I could travel the world... film, make music and do it all for myself... for my own pleasure...

but I want God to use me... I want to do what's meaningful... build on what will last... I want to seek Truth... I want to live life in all its fullness... the ways Jesus teaches is of loving and giving and sharing and loads of things which I know in my heart are better than selfishness, greed, fear etc... and serving him in a true way, so that his Truth and life can be accessable to people who are suffering injustice... So among other reasons... I dont want to be on my meaningless journey of transient self-seeking pleasures while evil rapes inocence... when I guess Gods Love and Light can heal a hurting world and take the most hurt and mistreated and abused.. and make it pure, beautiful and held in his arms?

But at the moment... I'm in my flat... not doing any of the coursework I have for my music production degree for months... (which could come to an end...)... not going out anymore... avoiding calls for the last year +... not going to the gym or playing a piano or anything... I just want to snap out of this self-indulgant pity party... this numbing existence... hiding inside watching films.. playing games... sleeping in the day... up all night...
All the sollutions and 'wisdom' that I can hear... the voice of what popular "Christian" teaching would say....... I'm tired of..... I'm tired of religion... mans ways... the patterns of the world...

Anyway... not sure if anyone got to the end... but was good to write.... wow its 7:42am (not really surprised ).....
I would love it today... if I began to use my time to persue the dreams in my heart I had before... to hold onto my vision and have faith... and percevere....

but I feel as though I'm just going to sleep later... get up and watch films and play games... and avoid people... avoid committments... and keep running. It's not what I want... but I dont know what I can do... to get rid of this apathy, laziness, lack of motivation, lack of vision, desire for isolation, to run away... and the guilt and dissapointment I feel when I keep going in this way...

I suppose... I'm thowing this babble out there incase someone has some wisdom or advice.

Thanks.

 

[Bellicus]

I read trough it, but I didn't see anything in it that made me think that I had anything to reply, that would help you. You seem to have some psychological difficulties, some symptoms that can remind about social anxiety and depression, so all I can say really is to go see your doctor and have all that tested out.

But one thing I noticed was that you seemed to think that enjoying life was something wrong of you, like the things you mentioned about music and traveling etc. But honestly I don't think that would conflict with the Christian faith. God don't really require anything from us, but gives us his blessings and salvation for free.

 

[Jake49]

You seem to have some psychological difficulties, some symptoms that can remind about social anxiety and depression, so all I can say really is to go see your doctor and have all that tested out.

I think there are situations where a doctors medical diagnosis is required. But with what little I know about where I'm at, I know going to see a doctor is not the solution.

But one thing I noticed was that you seemed to think that enjoying life was something wrong of you, like the things you mentioned about music and traveling etc. But honestly I don't think that would conflict with the Christian faith.

I find it difficult to articulate where I'm at in a short and concise way that's easy for someone to understand. So it's also easy for someone to misunderstand. I really don't think that enjoying life is wrong. I 'will' create music/media and travel. I just have learnt that before making quick decisions, to seek wisdom and perspective... which can save a lot of meaninglessness. I know that God works in peoples lives and teaches them such wisdom and perspective... And so can speak through peoples lives. I am looking and listening in different places... including this forum.

I appreciate that you replied. But I will offer my advice to you also, not to give your 'best guess' to peoples situations, advising to go see a doctor, or guess what 'issues' someone might have. At best, this kind of advice is not useful to someone... at worst, it can cause harm and misslead people.

Thank you for replying though. But when you read something someone writes and think to yourself:

I didn't see anything in it that made me think that I had anything to reply, that would help you

it's probably better not to write anything.

We can look into the sky and search through the clouds for shapes which look like faces or animals... But when you're speaking into someones life, it's not the same thing.

Thank you that perhaps your intention was to help, I appreciate that much! )))

 

[Jake49]

To be honest, I was hoping that in all my nonsense, there would be someone who understood something in what I said, and have some advice. I have requested this thread be deleted, as I have rambled and babbled on too much and it's too much for someone to read and make any sense of. My expectations were quite a lot for someone to sift through it all.. and was a little heavy to just hear advice that I may have psychological problems and to go see a doctor... as oposed to some level of understanding.
Thanks for reading, and sorry I posted this huge ramble... I appreciate you taking the time to read it, wish you all the best.. thanks

 

[Everlasting33]

Sounds like you really want to have a meaningful existence and to place an impact on the world. But you are feeling very apathetic, flat, avoidant, and perhaps a little too philosophical

Although I am not sure if I am on spot with this, but it sounds like you have tried to show your friends and family this image of someone who you feel you are not. Someone who is secure and confident and outgoing.

To feel connected to others there must be a sense of connection inside. If you are wrought and discouraged within yourself, this will only spill over in the relationships around you.

What are my expectations for myself?
Who am I really? Is this true?
Why do I feel a desire to flee, avoid, not commit?
What is my fear when I am around people? Do I fear mistakes? Failure? Rejection?

 

[Jake49]

Thanks, I don't expect you to read all this, but it's good to write it out. Thanks.

Sounds like you really want to have a meaningful existence and to place an impact on the world. But you are feeling very apathetic, flat, avoidant, and perhaps a little too philosophical

I want to do a whole bunch of things... but mostly, I want to be honest with myself and honest to others, and get honesty back also... I would hope that something meaningful is up ahead... when I look at the state of myself, and the state of the world around me... I want to do something about both. Starting with me I guess. I might write music for a kids cartoon or something else I don't see myself doing now... but whatever it is... I hope that I'm closer to God and he's using my life.

Although I am not sure if I am on spot with this, but it sounds like you have tried to show your friends and family this image of someone who you feel you are not. Someone who is secure and confident and outgoing.

All I ever hear from them is, "Why don't you ever pick up?".... so I say, "I'm not answering the phone to anyone at the moment" (over the last 18 months really)... so they say, "Well I'm not just 'anyone', I'm ..."...
For the last year or so.. if not longer... I know all my friends and family talk amongst each other, concerned about me. I've just wanted everyone to leave me alone..... at the same time, I feel guilt, because of how messed up everything is..... my friends and faimilies struggles.... in the past I've been a friend or someone who they like to be around when they're feeling down and need to talk or just chill out... and now I see their struggles... and I'm just watching from my "bunker" I've barricaded myself into... as life goes by.

To feel connected to others there must be a sense of connection inside. If you are wrought and discouraged within yourself, this will only spill over in the relationships around you.

I think this in some ways is true for me... I can put quite a confident quite a few masks on.... but I've come to a point where I've been dealing with some things on my own for so long. On a comparrison level, I've got so so much to be grateful for... I've seen and spoken to people in Jeddah, Saudi Arabia who's lives are heartbreaking... when you say that you got the impression that I want to impact the world in some way... I've just seen that in this world, there are meaningful things I can do.
But I don't want to compare my situation... there's a way that I function, that if I want to be real and honest and function in a better way... I need to change. I'm just surrounded by so many things that think it has the answer... but is only just another pattern of the world which behind the scenes is just another elaborate, carefully constructed mask...

What are my expectations for myself?
Who am I really? Is this true?
Why do I feel a desire to flee, avoid, not commit?
What is my fear when I am around people? Do I fear mistakes? Failure? Rejection?

I guess these are questions you wanted me to just ask myself?
I'll answer them in nutshells anyway
Expectations for myself...
I've come to a place now... where I can only expect blindness from myself... that as simple steps are presented before me that I can see... that I would take them.
Who am I really? is this true?
I'm one of 6+ billion people born into a corrupt world. I believe I am something/someone that a divine presence which man has called God, chose not to leave utterly lost in darkness and blindness... but make a way that was a Light that leads to life. Specifically 'who i am' is something that my blindness in the world presents to me on one hand...... but I have the belief that I will discover much more true things.... as God, the only real thing I've experienced, carries out a plan to lead me.
Why do I feel a desire to flee, avoid, not commit?
What is my fear when I am around people? Do I fear mistakes? Failure?
Because in this world, I've been taught that the love I wanted is not for me... the support and help I need is not there... the places I wanted to stay had to be taken away and moved to somewhere different... I had to deal with things in my own way... and experience so many authority figures in my life, act abusively towards me.
There are lots of people who like/love me.... but I dont know what it is they see... one person said I'm like a snowman with a warm heart (sorry if that sounds cheesy, but I didnt say it)... I can get close to people and walk with them... but I'm also very distant. I could have had many relationships with different people... but never wanted to be that close to anyone. I know that a child who is screamed at and hit constantly during their childhood.. who's dad lived far away (in another country) among other things.. has the message, 'Who you are is not lovable or worth anything... Who you are is dissapointing and if people ever see who you really are, they'll be dissapointed and not want to be near you'...
So perhaps its something like that. The old, 'Fear of rejection' thing.

For the last year... when I'm feeling down and thinking negatively about myself and my situation... I'll feel angry with everyone and everything and say the words, "F*** you"... sometimes, "F*** everyone"... Then straight after, I'm saying to myself, 'Who am I saying that to?'... I feel angry and frustrated when I say it... and want to run even more.
Until I was 11, I lived in a pretty unpleasant home... (English parents... i was born in Bahrain in the middle east.. moved to the UK at 4, without my dad... everything got colder, the love I had in Bahrain was gone and my mum who we lived with changed... got very emotional and agressive... I didn't learn anything like communicating or talking... Then when I was 11 I was sent to a boarding school. It was in the middle of no where in England, 15 miles from the nearest town. There I was punished in pretty much every bit of spare time I had...constantly defying any rule put on me... constantly in someones office being talked at... if the head master wasnt calling me a worm, the chaplain was calling me an evil spider that pulled other people into my web. Ran away from there when I was 16... and things got a bit worse for a few years until I asked God to save me from myself and this world.

So I feel the need to flee... because I've had to look after myself in those times... learn to cope with my own methods. and I've had identities stamped on me all the way. I don't trust what people see in me... even if they tell me they love me and care about me... I see them as sleep talkers... lost in their world they've come to see as reality.
I suppose in some ways I think that everyone is lost and blind really... and anything that says its a source of light and Truth, is really more deception. And all I can do, is hope that God will show me the steps so that I can at least be real and honest with myself, with other people and with him.

 

[ke1985]

What do you have a passion for? Just do that and you will be happy.

Constant self interest and pity will only make life miserable for you.

 

[Jake49]

What do you have a passion for? Just do that and you will be happy.

Constant self interest and pity will only make life miserable for you.

Thank you. But I'm not seaching for happiness
There's also many things I value before 'not being misserable'.
Yes, I agree, "Constant self interest and pity will only make life miserable for you".. but neither of those is what I have. You've missunderstood me somewhere.

Thanks though, that the context your advice was given in, from you... was from a good heart, wanting it to be good. I appreciate that much

 

[Everlasting33]

It sounds like you had a rough patch during your childhood. Being called names by others is hurtful and remembered for a long time.

It sounds like you don't trust people to like you for you. It sounds like you don't feel lovable and worthwhile.

What do you think?

 

[Jake49]

It sounds like you had a rough patch during your childhood. Being called names by others is hurtful and remembered for a long time.

Having someone tell you that you are "......" is just one way that you can send a message home to a child all kinds of negative things about their identity. I'm kind of looking at it from this point of view... Where today I approach life in lots of negative and self sabotaging ways...
So I guess I'm trying to look at what happened... and recognise things I may have accepted about myself then, which cause these negative things. Or try and share things which someone may have experienced and learnt some perspective on... and might have some advise.

It wasnt so much a problem that i was called names, abusing and misstreating me.. as much as there was nothing or no one telling me good things about who I was. (again, GOOD BYE to anyones perception that I'm pulling out a violin there to play at the 'pity party'... I have a problem... I want to do something about that problem... I need to really talk for the first time about the things that caused that problem... then find out what I can do to overcome it)

It sounds like you don't trust people to like you for you.

I think there's a mixture of feeling hurt and anger towards people who misstreated me... and I've buried that pretty far down. When I was younger, I had more outlets for my anger (not good ones). But since I became a Christian, I may have supressed it so much, that when in places and situations with other "Christians" I've felt quiet and awkward, unable to connect and laugh etc to a real level, like an empty shell of who I am. But I know the anger is still there, because I have thoughts of fighting... not unprovoked violence..... But for instance, this Christmas after coming out of a bar, 3 guys came up to me and my brother and told us to give them our money, or they would break our legs. But me and my brother have delt with angry violent people all our lives.. and play rugby etc, so have been kicked and hit all over our bodies for years, to the point that there's actually some level of enjoyment in it... After we saw they weren't carrying knives etc... we took our jackets off and were laughing the whole way through.. a few seconds later, the ring leader (who thinks that being big and having tatoes = invinsible) was unconcious on the floor and was very messy... and the other two were running away.
And I loved every bit of it... Except the thought that these guys were going around doing things like that.
as soon as I'm given a good reason... I have a lot of anger towards people who want to harm me or people I am with. But (for use of a better word) I almost fantasise of fighting and being agressive, like I've been waiting to turn the tables on people who seek to hurt or control me...
My twin brother, who believes in God, but hasnt been to a church or been discipled etc (all that sort of thing)... Or persued a kind of self control etc.. he lives in another city... and has been in countless fights.. and he loves it... because it always involves him or his friends being started on... then he finishes it. Except a few times he's been hospitalised by large groups of men, or bouncers from a club. I went the other way... and supressed these things and tried to 'be' something, when I needed to deal with more stuff. For 8 years I've tried to control myself in so many ways... to be sensible... to avoid hedonistic things... I've adhered to what is valuable and acceptable behaviour in what is popularly believed in "Christianity" and "interpretted" from the bible... Seeking healing of the heart... and awakening the spirit... conferences, meetings, services, minitries, books, speakers, audio CD's......... I've tried.

All I'm trying to say... is that I have a lot of anger, I suppose... towards people... not in the front of my mind.. but supressed. I dont trust that if I dont be strong, and put a barrier forward to prevent them coming near me... then they will be out of control and try and hurt me in some way.. including spewing out corrupt deceptions of what they sleep talkingly call 'Christianity' or 'wisdom' or 'the truth'. That has been my experience, that people who should have been trust worthy to be responsible adults... acted like out of control, aggressive children who have zero care about who I am and how much they made me feel like crap and alone. I wasnt strong enough to look after myself then... So I guess I just started saying, 'F you' 'F it'... and looked for ways to make myself stronger. And I still say, "F you all" under my breath when I'm on my own today.

I suppose today... I feel like I'm waiting for those situations where someone will try and control me or hurt me... like those guys at Christmas... because I feel strong enough to not care what they can do to me, I even enjoy it... but that I'll do everything to let them see that I'm more than the weakness they saw in me...
At the same time... I dont want to be like that... so instead... who I am is mixed with all that stuff... so when I supress it all... so I can "be a better person"... (so messed up I know ) I suppress who I am too... and I end up being an empty shell of a person... unable to connect and relate etc.

It sounds like you don't feel lovable and worthwhile.

What do you think?

I know that who I really am, is lovable and worthwhile somehow... I know that some day, I'll find a wholeness and sense of grounding.. and I'll be able to be myself with good, safe, cool people... I love that thought, which is a dream I know will come true.. that I can be with people like that, loving them and being there for them, putting them before me and doing what I can to see that they are happy and encouraged... and the same way round. But for now... I don't feel I have 'real' strengths yet, like I'm trapped inside my own blindness and dysfunction.. only able to wait for the next step God puts infront of me. I have a lot of my own messed up ways... and I'm surrounded by a corrupt world, full of blind corrupt people, who think they can see... who talk about love, but only mean control and manipulation for some sleep talking black hole, they call reality.

In some ways, I may have taken the stance, that people don't deserve to get a chance at seeing who I am... I think that really.... I believe who I am is lovable and worth while... But because of the messed up stuff I'm working through, I cannot be myself yet... But I know who I am has real strength, and I'll do some really great things some day. But that people who think they value me and want to know me more and get closer to me... really just have their own agendas and motives. I think that some see there is something of value in me, but can also feel that I have a hand saying 'you will never come closer than you are right now'... so they put up with that... forever making attempts to get closer when I'm just with them.

I just want to be honest and be who I am... and do a whole load of things which I cannot do, when I'm carrying all this stuff (come to me all you who are weary etc.. I know )...

I booked an appointment to see a counceller at my college on Friday... I feel like that is the next step God has put infront of me.

Thanks for listening if you read it... I've talked through stuff I never have before and I think it's going in a good direction. Thanks.

For the perception that all that I'm saying here is all self centred pity party, where I gaze down my nazil, insead of getting up and 'doing things'.... I've lived in 5 different countries, in the company of people in both utter poverty and great riches, I've been Production Director of a music production company and recording studio which had material released in the main stream music industry, I've led countless worship meetings and "people to Christ", I've walked along side homeless and heroin addicts and seen God reunite them with families, get places to live and stop addictions, I've led youth cell groups of young guys straight off the streets we met them on, spoken at meetings sharing the gospel... I've done all these things while my own circumstances have been hard... But in those times... there was an amount of myself, that as God healed my heart, I was able to give away in an honest way..... But now I've had to leave church... I can't even be in a church or around most "Christians"... I can't do my coursework, I can't make music... I can't even answer the phone to family and friends. I just stay in my flat, unable to 'do' anything but be on my own and dissapear into anything that can take my mind away.

So I'm just saying... All those things I mentioned don't make me good or worthy of anything... but if looking for advice and help, because I've come to the end of what I can do and cannot do anything... and opportunities that won't be here forever are going down the drain... I don't think that's a bad thing. If anyone thinks it is... then whoever told you that is wrong.

The only thing I have the strength to do... is stand up and say, "F YOU" to everyone and everything, quit college, go into the city, get a bar job, make angry agressive music in a band, take looooots of coke, drink and fight, sleep around... be wild and crazy with friends again, like I was years ago..... then I could make people laugh.... I was loud and confident...
If I went that way, I'm telling you, I'd be the life of the party... in a few years, I would be making good money somehow, probably in music, driving a nice car... relationships wouldnt last long, because I could play along with the fantasy until they started to get close... then I'd argue and fight and tell her where to go...

I know where that path goes. I even signed away my 40% share as Production Director of a music production and recording studio, even when we were going down to London to meet people to reproduce an album... I left where that road was going... I KNOW where that road goes... As well as God telling me to cut myself off from it and do 2 other things... we had rappers in the studio who were covered in thick gold chains from the heroin they sold, and God knows what else... and thousands of pounds worth of marijuana growing underneith the studio...... the business and environment and people who came into it... was all the transient crap of this world.

I'm not interested in money, or hedonistic, transient crap this world has to offer.... I had all that, and it was only just begining... instead I gave it up and went and worked 14 months in a bank.... then got the opportunity to do something I began to dream of..... To create music and media which enhances the communication of Truth to people who otherwise have no access to it... in a way that impacts their lives, with the range of amazing things that truth can bring... it was a dream.

but now everythings going wrong... I failed the first year... and over the last 2 years have stopped answering calls... stopped going to church... stopped doing coursework... no gym... letting my room get in a complete tip... going to bed every night feeling guilty and helpless. I say at night... there is no set times at all, when I'm asleep or awake... there is no day and night.

I dont want pity... I just want to recognise I have a problem and find out why that problem is there, and what I can do about it.
Writing on this thread has actually been a great help as a first step to talking about it... the next I think is to see this conceller person at my college.... and also to see a couple of good Christian people I should be ok with to talk to also...

like anyone got through all that hahah..

 

[Johnnz]

What you are getting into is a dualism that divides life into two categories - the spiritual (church, bible study, prayer etc) and an inferior realm of daily life. That is a pagan influence that has crept into Christianity, and effectively neuters much of our essential humanity.

Being saved means being made whole. It is a restoration to our true humanity, making us more human and real, not some detached 'spiritual' being living on the fringes of society.

John
NZ

 

[Jake49]

What you are getting into is a dualism that divides life into two categories - the spiritual (church, bible study, prayer etc) and an inferior realm of daily life. That is a pagan influence that has crept into Christianity, and effectively neuters much of our essential humanity.

Thanks John, interesting to think about.

Someone told me once, you can't be more spiritually mature than you are emotionally mature. I think part of what they meant by it... was to do with emotional healing/restoration of the heart etc... being linked with the awakening and maturity of the spirit.
It's certainly clear that man assumes an outward appearance of appearing spiritually mature, far beyond where mans heart is... (to generalise massively )...
There's a scripture, "You honor me with your lips, but your hearts are far from me"... In Matthew I think, can't remember. But it goes into all that stuff.

What you call, "an inferior realm of daily life" describes where I am always... except for the briefest of moments. Church, Bible study and prayer have been out of my life for quite a few months now... except on rare occasions where I'll meet someone, or read a scripture or say a little prayer. But along with everything else in my life... I don't do anything at the moment except eat, sleep and bury my head in the sand with my laptop. I'm what some people (in their ignorance) would point at as being a backslider, rather than someone getting getting into dualism. Dualism is probably more to do with someone who goes to church for some kind of traditional or religious reason, then goes full on into the world for the rest of the week?... not sure.

 

[Jake49]

Being saved means being made whole. It is a restoration to our true humanity, making us more human and real

that, including reconciliation and ever increasing closeness with God is the most true and wonderful and beautiful thing I can dream of having/knowing/finding... it's what I've been searching for.... I dont know... all my life? but a growing awareness and desire/longing for much more in the last 8 years.

Search my heart oh Lord, see if there is any offensive way in me and lead me on the way of everlasting life.

My trouble, which is kinda some of the sense amongst all the nonsense in my posts... is that I'm stuck in all these 'offensive' ways which are all over my life... and equally, all over this world.

 

[Jake49]

Thanks for everyones replies. Much appreciated you took the time to respond.

I went to see a counselor at my college today. That was kind of my 'next step' as to what to do... She gave me a leaflet which is like a 'self help guide' on 'sleeping problems'... Her advice this week, was to make this a real focus... to get my sleeping patterns in order.

This it appears, is my next step. So I better be heading to bed now

 

[ALIOSIAS]

Going to church, reading the bible, listening to christian music will not advance your spiritual life. These activities may give you more understanding but until you are ready to lay down your life and take up your cross this leads nowhere.

What I am talking about is the sacrifice of self to advance the cause of Jesus Christ in the world. There is a destiny that God has for you that only you can discover. You can discover it only by detaching from the world and making yourself available for the Holy Spirit. By detaching from the world--now you have time--the commodity that most Christians are not willing to give.

Jesus said, "Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the way, to finding yourself, your true self. (Matthew 16:25)

God has planted eternity in the human heart. (Ecclesiastes 3:11)

Anyone who lets himself be distracted from the work I plan for him is not fit for the Kingdom of God. (Luke 9:62)

The most important thing is that I complete my mission, the work that the Lord Jesus gave me. (Acts 20:24)

We have been sent to speak for Christ. (2 Corinthians 5:20)

We are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus, to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. (Ephesians 2:10)
www.anointedfighter.com/profile/AlbertFinch

 

[ALIOSIAS]

Right now you need to invest yourself in the spiritual needs of someone or a group of people that need help.
There is some situation right in front of you today that you can bring the Kingdom of God to. Ask the Holy Spirt to enlighten the eyes of your understanding that you my know the hope of His calling and He will show you something you can do right now.
It is important that you get into action and quit intellectualizing your spiritual problems. It is a lot easier to overcome your present lifestyle if you are living outside of yourself.

This is a prayer that the apostle Paul prayed for spiritual needs. If you will pray this prayer and meditate on it several times a day it will help you get in touch with the destiny God has planed for you:

I ask God that I may receive from Him all wisdom and spiritual understanding for full insight into His will, so that my manner of life may be worthy of the Lord and entirely pleasing to Him. I pray that I may bear fruit in active goodness of every kind, and grow in the knowledge of God. May He strengthen me, in His gloroious might, with ample power to meet whatever comes with fortitude, patience, and joy. I give thanks to the Father who has made me fit to share the heritage of God's people in the realm of light.

www.anointedfighter.com/profile/AlbertFinch

 

[Johnnz]

Look up a guy called Baxter Kruger on Google. Then get his book 'Jesus and the Undoing of Adam' - it's not a big book. Feel free to get back to me via a PM if you want to follow up on any questions you might have after reading it.

John
NZ

 

[Jake49]

Thanks everyone again. I thought I'd look for a forum to try and see if I could find anything... I think my conclusion on it, is that I can't really get across where I'm at.. and so no one can have any knowledge of where I'm at - only guesses. But I really appreciate that people have responded, but also I feel that my lack in being able to articulate clearly and concisely where I'm at has made it not possible for anyone to understand where I'm at. And so not been able to offer advice which is accurate and meets me where I am... or make any kind of revelation from a healed heart accessible to me. But more advice that has been heard somewhere else and relevant in another context in another place, and applied it to something vague seen in what I've said... which unfortunately isn't really what I've said or where I'm at.

But I appreciate the try and response and have found it useful to learn things about forums.

I'm just going to keep searching, and persevere with spending time with God each day. I know the answers and steps I need to make will be made available somehow, and I wish you all the best in your journeys also. Thank you