Need to rant

[flowerforever7]

So I just need to rant...

Maybe this is not the appropriate category, but I have very severe OCD and that has a considerable amount to do with my problems...

I really hate myself and feel like everything I try to acomplish or try is ripped out from underneath me in general or taken from me by my OCD. Tonight I deeply prayed for God to end my life and take me to Heaven. In my 30 years of life I have moved about 29 times. I have lived out of boxes for almost half my life, I have been in a shelter twice. I have Aspergers Syndrome along with what I believe are some undiagnosed learning disabiliies which makes things hard along with crippling OCD. There have been so many times where I really thought about killing myself to stop this horror of intrusive blasphemous thoughts. Sometimes I get really angry at God for things otherwise. I also participate in tons of compulsive vow making; which has painted me out of most of the things I have wanted to do. I live on energy bars almost exclusively because I get into food phases where I eat the same thing repeatedly. I deviate from that every once in a while but have a very narrow range of foods as which is typical in Aspergers. Today and yesterday I have been feeling weak and my legs hurting my heart was palpitating a little bit. I know I am really skinny, like to the point where my ribs show in my front and my back. I ate extra tonight because I felt like I may be needing extra food. I went online and looked up pictures of anorexics to see if I was as skinny as them, and some of them I was skinnier than. (I don't want to be this thin.) I know this is bad but it is hard for me to deviate from eating one or two types of food, it causes me a lot of mental stress. I am just so tired. I am so tired of trying so hard to have my efforts washed away, I want to be a self-sufficent adult. I want to use my talents for Christ, but compulsive vow making, percieving things as tainted because of intrusive thoughts, or because I got angry at God because I thought He may have been asking me to give it up, makes it practically impossible. (Not too sure where OCD begins where it is God or if it is OCD and God). My conscience never seems to be clear no matter what I do. I am mentally exhausted. I feel like honestly the only people who really care about me are my Mom and God. And sometimes I feel that God may have washed His hands of me. All I want is to be able to try to use my talents for Christ and spread the Gospel through it, but my OCD and life circumstances keep tearing that away. If I can't do that I don't want to live, because I just want to do that. I don't know what I am going to do when my Mom dies, she is about the only family that cares enough to call me, and the only human who has showed consistant care for me. I am so heartbroken. I had so many desires to do good things. I just don't understand why things are the way they are. Your prayers are appreciated. I am deeply broken and sad. Thank you.

 

[ToBeInChrist]

At my church the priest says at the end in the blessing "God loves you, God is not mad at you, and God will never leave you."

If you want to faithfully follow Christ -- and you struggle -- well the wanting to faithfully follow Christ is the important part. We struggle, we are imperfect, we have thoughts and feelings and temptations. Sometimes we are weak.

Yes thoughts may bubble up in our minds that we do not like, but what do we do with them? If we disagree with the thoughts then we have rightly taken a stance of disagreement with the thoughts. I pray that you find peace, that you relax and become free from guilt over having these thoughts that you do not want to have.

If we want to be free from such thoughts, to discourage such thoughts, then our will is willing what is good. I pray that you are able to have confidence that your belief and your will are towards Christ and that He is forgiving and merciful and will be your strength.

May God bless you, strengthen you, and grant you peace. May you be free of the spirit of condemnation. There is no condemnation in Christ Jesus. Follow Him and believe that in Him there is no condemnation.

 

[Mr. Runningfish]

Flowerforever, I am sorry for your sadness and have said a prayer for you. I don't know why things are the way they are and often times I find my mind running in circles trying to find the answer.

Right now we only have part of the map, we only see it from our tiny perspective. He has the map all laid out and He can see every bit, every twist and turn of our life's journeys. Knowing this won't always help us find comfort in what's going on around us, but try to keep that faith and trust in Him that you are destined for goodness.

Some days and times will be worse than others, but keep that faith and goodness that you fight so hard for. ::hugs::

~Mr. R

 

[OCD=Owie]

Don't worry, you posted in the right place. And I'm so sorry to hear about everything that you've been going through.

God loves everyone, yourself included. There's nothing that you can do that can change that. So please don't give up. God wants you to continue in life. I know that it might seem impossible that you could ever get out of such horrible ordeals, but God can, indeed, help you out of it.

It's awesome that you want to use your talents to help Christ! But did you know that he can also use the suffering you're going through now? It seems like nothing good could ever come from such experiences, and it's hard to understand why things happen the way they do. But God has His ways of using everything for good.

Also, God understands what you're going through. He understands how much suffering you're experiencing, and how frustrating OCD is. He loves you. With that in mind, try not to be so hard on yourself. I know that, with OCD, you need to kind of give yourself some mental breaks, and try not to let yourself get lost in an endless train of thoughts. That's something that's easier said than done, but if you can start small, you can get better at it and eventually reduce your stress level.

And don't worry that nobody but God and your mother are the only two that love you. It's not true. I care for you as a fellow Christian, and especially as one who is going through such rough times. I'm sure the others on this board would say the same.

Have you ever seen therapy about your OCD/Asbergers? I know you said you're still in contact with your mom, could she help you with seeing a therapist or something? It's obvious that your asbergers is a very stressful thing to live with, and it might be good for you to seek some kind of help with it.

 

[babegirl111]

Dont give up hon, were praying for you

 

[flowerforever7]

Hi everyone,

Thank you for your support and prayers. Today I felt better; God saved the day this morning regarding something I was worried and disturbed over. Though I am feeling better, it is a fine line I walk. I have become worn out in general, and seem to be getting more weary the more difficult circumstances happen to me in life. Going through transition combined with what I mentioned in my post that I go through makes conditions where it very easy for me to nearly “break” inside when something happens.

@ OCD=Owie:
I forgot about the God using our suffering for good part. I know that in an intellectual sense, but it is hard to remember that much less believe it when in the middle of going through an onslaught of pain and/or difficulties. I am ashamed that I do not have the faith that I ought.

You mentioned try not to get lost in an endless train of thoughts (so true; I tend to get lost and tangled in them); though not all thoughts are bad.

About the therapy for Aspergers / OCD, when I was in a different state I was going to a GRASP support group for adults with high functioning autism or Asperger’s syndrome. Where I live now, there is not one I could find close to me, and because I don’t drive I cannot get to the one farther out in my state. I am planning on moving to another state God-willing in some months, and could not find a support group in that immediate area either. I have been getting most of my support online, anyway I feel more comfortable / prefer communicating via writing than verbally in a social interaction, so online allows me to do that. For the OCD, I am scared of the exposure therapy. I do not want to get a secular therapist who gives me instructions to think blasphemous thoughts against the Holy Spirit, Jesus or God on purpose. I refuse to do that as their idea of a "therapy"; I will not do that. It's an insult to my soul. I have been doing something lately in the past couple of days that has been helping me somewhat. When blasphemous thoughts come, or a compulsion to make a vow I try to deny it as just OCD. It is difficult because at times I want to correct / fix it, but I know this can feed the OCD cycle. Though I have been a little less anxious because of this, it is still hard because I battle OCD propositions coming at me continually in various ways (blasphemous thoughts, some urges to make vows), so it is like I am fighting throughout the day.

Regarding my Mom and her helping me find a therapist; I am pretty sure she is not going to be equipped to help me do that. In a lot of ways she is naïve and I end up telling her about different things. I am the researcher out of the two of us. She shows traits of an autistic disorder herself or at least a learning disability. She told me that another adult once told her that they think she may have a form of autism. That combined with the fact she has had some strokes I believe interfere with her ability to comprehend information completely and cohesively, and also relay it back to others. She is not incompetent at all, and I am able to have lively conversations with her; but I think I may be better suited to the hard research aspect of it. I know she would be a super psychological support though.

I'm not sure what exactly I am going to do in terms of any type of therapy / support group, if I will continue to find something online, or be able to go to something more formal once I get a liscence / car.

I appreciate everyone's input. Being able to come to this forum has helped me in some difficult times.

God bless you all for caring / responding. Thanks.

 

[Tonyy2]

Hello I am sorry to hear that your going through so much. You said that you had some eating anxiety. I can say that this is something that i struggled with in the past. I would go days without eating because it was easier not to eat than to deal with the stress and thoughts that would come with it. I was very thin. But i can tell you that God is bigger than our problems. In our weakness He is strong. Life is a battle but fight. It wont always be bad. God is good and Christ is our tower. : )))

 

[flowerforever7]

Hi Tonyy2,

Thank you so much for your encouragement. Sorry to hear about your eating anxiety, I know how it can be to feel upset and not want to eat because of it. I have felt that way before. I just want to clarify, my eating issues are more related to Asperger's disorder. I eat a very narrow range of foods repeatedly regardless if I am happy or sad. It is just a weird symptom a lot of people with asperger's syndrome have. Unfortunately, because I tend to eat the same narrow foods repeatedly it means I am most certainly malnourished. The mental stress regarding food comes more from changing the food routine I have. I can deviate from it occasionally, but every day starts to really stress me out mentally. I think it's a routine thing. God bless you, thank you again.

 

[Enahs4Him]

God has not washed his hands of you. You are still the apple of his eye! Because of your true love for Christ! OCD is not fun, but what's going to get us through is GRACE. I have been guilty of it, trying this and trying that. God doesn't want us to do it. He wants us the have faith in Him and trust Him. I just pray for grace everyday! I know it's easier said than done. But flower don't ever give up! Jesus still lives in you and still has good plans for you. One day you might be the one who helps women/girls who are going through what you are going through now.
Jeremiah 29:11

 

[tripletiger1200]

I'm sorry this is happening to you and i'll be praying

 

[Tonyy2]

I understand flower thanks for clearing up

 

[OCD=Owie]

Hi everyone,

Thank you for your support and prayers. Today I felt better; God saved the day this morning regarding something I was worried and disturbed over. Though I am feeling better, it is a fine line I walk. I have become worn out in general, and seem to be getting more weary the more difficult circumstances happen to me in life. Going through transition combined with what I mentioned in my post that I go through makes conditions where it very easy for me to nearly “break” inside when something happens.

@ OCD=Owie:
I forgot about the God using our suffering for good part. I know that in an intellectual sense, but it is hard to remember that much less believe it when in the middle of going through an onslaught of pain and/or difficulties. I am ashamed that I do not have the faith that I ought.

You mentioned try not to get lost in an endless train of thoughts (so true; I tend to get lost and tangled in them); though not all thoughts are bad.

About the therapy for Aspergers / OCD, when I was in a different state I was going to a GRASP support group for adults with high functioning autism or Asperger’s syndrome. Where I live now, there is not one I could find close to me, and because I don’t drive I cannot get to the one farther out in my state. I am planning on moving to another state God-willing in some months, and could not find a support group in that immediate area either. I have been getting most of my support online, anyway I feel more comfortable / prefer communicating via writing than verbally in a social interaction, so online allows me to do that. For the OCD, I am scared of the exposure therapy. I do not want to get a secular therapist who gives me instructions to think blasphemous thoughts against the Holy Spirit, Jesus or God on purpose. I refuse to do that as their idea of a "therapy"; I will not do that. It's an insult to my soul. I have been doing something lately in the past couple of days that has been helping me somewhat. When blasphemous thoughts come, or a compulsion to make a vow I try to deny it as just OCD. It is difficult because at times I want to correct / fix it, but I know this can feed the OCD cycle. Though I have been a little less anxious because of this, it is still hard because I battle OCD propositions coming at me continually in various ways (blasphemous thoughts, some urges to make vows), so it is like I am fighting throughout the day.

Regarding my Mom and her helping me find a therapist; I am pretty sure she is not going to be equipped to help me do that. In a lot of ways she is naïve and I end up telling her about different things. I am the researcher out of the two of us. She shows traits of an autistic disorder herself or at least a learning disability. She told me that another adult once told her that they think she may have a form of autism. That combined with the fact she has had some strokes I believe interfere with her ability to comprehend information completely and cohesively, and also relay it back to others. She is not incompetent at all, and I am able to have lively conversations with her; but I think I may be better suited to the hard research aspect of it. I know she would be a super psychological support though.

I'm not sure what exactly I am going to do in terms of any type of therapy / support group, if I will continue to find something online, or be able to go to something more formal once I get a liscence / car.

I appreciate everyone's input. Being able to come to this forum has helped me in some difficult times.

God bless you all for caring / responding. Thanks.

Well I wasn't suggesting that you go to a secular therapist and "think blasphemous thoughts." Though, if a secular therapist ever tried to make you reject your beliefs, then they would be a terrible therapist.

Of course, you know that there are Christian therapists out there, right? Also, though I understand that your circumstances don't really allow you to seek therapy, I would encourage you to go to therapy should an opportunity ever arise. Don't let your fear of actually speaking to somebody about your troubles scare you away from going. I know that it's a heck of a lot easier to simply write your problems down for anonymous people on the internet to read, but actually going to a therapist to talk some things out can be extremely helpful, if nothing else to discuss the possibility of getting on medication.

I'm sorry that your circumstances don't allow you to seek professional help. We'll be here though if you ever just need to vent!

 

[Joanne P]

flower, I'm praying for you, too. I understand when you say about being so exhausted.

I just want to clarify, my eating issues are more related to Asperger's disorder. I eat a very narrow range of foods repeatedly regardless if I am happy or sad. It is just a weird symptom a lot of people with asperger's syndrome have. Unfortunately, because I tend to eat the same narrow foods repeatedly it means I am most certainly malnourished. The mental stress regarding food comes more from changing the food routine I have. I can deviate from it occasionally, but every day starts to really stress me out mentally. I think it's a routine thing. God bless you, thank you again.

I am so sorry you go through this. Thank you for sharing because I did not know this was part of aspergers. I had an eating disorder many years ago, and thought my limited foods were residuals of that disorder. But maybe it is part of aspergers, which I was dx'd with, along with a few other things. I understand your concerns about being malnurished. With increased stress my food choices grow more and more limited. I once ate only potato chips for months. Recently, it has been mostly DOTs and Hot Tamales. (I'm thin, too, because I don't eat a lot of these things.)

I'm sorry changing to more varied foods causes you stress. I understand and am praying for you.