Need support (may trigger)

[GreyWolf]

Hi. I was very active on this forum for a long time, but left a while ago, not for any particular reason, just busy with other things and forgot to login for a while, and never came back. I used to be a very devout born again Christian, but I lost my faith and now am not sure I believe in God. But this is not what I want to talk about here.

I am bipolar, and I am struggling with thoughts of suicide. This is the part that may trigger. I think that these thought and this latest depression is brought on in part by the fact that I was trying to wean myself off a medication. it isn't a psychs med, its a steriod called Prednisone. I am taking it for rheumatoid arthritis. Having this disease is very hard- I am in a great deal of physical pain on a daily basis. The prednisone lowers inflammation but it also makes me depressed. I was in the hospital (psychs ward) five months ago when i first went on it.

Well, for two days I cut the dosage in half, and I really lost it. I had a fight with a friend in the middle of the night two nights ago, and became so depressed after it that I hurt myself. I won't say what I did, because I do not want to give anyone ideas, but I put my life in danger. I was not 100% committed to dying, in fact I think I wanted to live more than die, but I was rolling the dice.

Since then, I have been reaching out. I made up with my friend (I should have known it wasn't the end of our friendship) and signed an anti-suicide pledge with her (she used to be a therapist) I promised not to hurt myself, attempt suicide, or die by suicide.

BTW, my counselor is on vacation until Tuesday, when I see her. It was pretty foolish of me to go off the pred without medical supervision. I'm taking the full doses again now, and I think I just have to ride this out.

Here is what I am doing to keep my promise. I talked to my best friend, who had also been on vacation and got back today,and she has promised to check in throughout the day. I must be here for her when she does. I am writing to several other friends, as well as checking in with my friend I have the suicide contract with every few hours.

I have called a suicide hotline twice. I promised the people I talked to that i would call again if I felt suicidal. I really want to fight this. I'm sorry I attempted. A part of me still wants to die, quite a lot, but I mean to keep my promise because I owe it to my friends who care about me. They have been so supportive, I can't slap away the hand that tries to save me as I'm drowning, it would be ungrateful.

Anyway, I just want a little extra support. I really want to stay out of the hospital. Can a few people write back to me here? I really want to talk. Ideas for coping, encouragement, anything....I will keep checking back. Thank you.

 

[ShadowsChild]

Hey Greywolf,

Let me first off welcome you back. And say right off - you came to the right place if you are looking for support. I had an idea which I will PM you about, but I wanted to also make my support of you public.

Let me also congratulate you for reaching out in the first place. To me, that first step always seems the hardest. I wish I could say I will be praying, and trust me I will try - but because of my own battles, my faith is lacking as well. But I will be remembering you in the next little while.

Keep fighting this battle, because someday - we will ALL win!

 

[madison1101]

[I am sorry you are struggling right now. I have felt hopeless many times. A dear friend gave me a verse that I have clung to for the past 11 years. Jeremiah 29:11. "For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "Plans to prosper you, not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future." During the worst of times, I have prayed to the Lord, and clung to that verse in my prayers.

Hold onto Truth. God loves you and wants you to believe that. You are His dearly beloved child. God promised to never leave you, nor forsake you. Trust Him, and believe Him. He cares very much about the pain, emotional and physical, that you are in. His Word say that Christ understands our pain and temptations, because He experienced similar suffering and temptations.

Also, you have caring people in your life, both in your real life, and here on the forums.

God bless./COLOR]

 

[Alive again]

Oh my Greywolf!!!! So very sorry to hear of the pain you have been in both mentally and physically. so thankful that you have reached out here again and that you are still fighting to keep your promise. I have wondered how you were and what was happening in your life. I am not on here much anymore other than to check in and maybe write a quick not once and awhile. Know you are in my heart tonight and over the next few days and weeks. Prednisone must be tapered correctly to come off and not mess up your body's normal cortisol production so you are probably correct that this is what sent you out of control. We all do these things now and then so just keep doing what you are doing. I know there are days I just cannot face swallowing another pill. I only know thi about predisone because of my medical background and that is probably what keep me taking my meds even though I wish that it was not necessary. Anyway just a garbled way of saying I remember and I care and thank you so much for keeping your promise. You may never know just how much that means to your friends and loved ones.

 

[Dianna_Child of God]

Glad you came back here to reach out. That is important to do. We all need to be able to do that. Remember you can go to the ER at the hospital if you need to, to be safe. You can get help there. The idea of going into the hospital is very scary but sometimes it is what we have to do.

 

[Yusuphhai]

Hi dear friend, You are so fortunate that you have strong treatment and support from others and your faith. But many people in the world have not enough money, knowledge, friendship and therapy technology to support. Many are not healed or suicide without enough help. Many have to endure Physical or mental symptoms without medical support.

Maybe you can help others in spirit later when you feel much better. Lord bless you.

 

[quietpraiyze]

(((Greywolf))) (those brackets mean a hug!)

First let me say I'm glad that you're reaching out and being proactive. It's important that you let people know how you feel and where you're at. You're going to make it through this. God hasn't forsaken you. You can talk to him. He's still there for you and He loves you. The following Scriptures have always comforted me.

Isa 61:1 The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me; because the LORD hath anointed me to preach good tidings unto the meek; he hath sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to them that are bound; Isa 61:2 To proclaim the acceptable year of the LORD, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all that mourn; Isa 61:3 To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified.

I have an arthritis problem. I started taking Bragg Apple Cider Vinegar. It seems to be working for me. Maybe it can work for you too.

Do you have some music that encourages you? Some gospel or inspirational music? If you do maybe listening to some of that can comfort you.

If you need to go to the hospital you go. That isn't failure. That's wisdom.

You hang in there. I will be praying for you.

 

[GreyWolf]

well, I feel a little sheepish.

Apparently, I had my contact e-mail for Christian forum sent to an e-mail I no longer check. So I didn't get a notifications when people responded to my post. Therefore, I assumed that no one had responded to my post, and I didn't come back here until just now. This was a pretty stupid assumption. However, I didn't go back to the site until just now and I've been struggling day by day to get through. Today was a relatively good day, as far as days go lately. The pain was not too agonizing. The past couple days there's been a lot of snow and rain and cold, which is the time when my pain is the worst. Yesterday midday before spent most of my day in bed, too much pain to move. Today I was able to read and do a little work on the computer. The physical pain is a big part of why feel suicidal.

I talked to my doctor about going off the prednisone, and has me doing it much more slowly. Rather than cut from 10 to 5 in one day, I'm going from nine and then to eight, and then to seven, etc. Actually though, stuck on nine because of the physical pain, which I'm concerned will get worse if I go down further. Tomorrow I may try to go for eight. I'm seeing my doctor again next week I think, and I'm going to talk to him about going on and brawl, which is another medicine from rheumatoid arthritis. I'm a little freaked out about it because it has such serious side effects. But at this point, I really need something else because the methotrexate and the other medicines I'm on to start doing it.

It's hard not to be suicidal when you're in so much physical pain. Not to mention the emotional depression. I'm going to be sticking around on this form and checking in periodically. Now that I know people are responding. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers, I definitely need those prayers. I feel funny asking for prayer, because I so completely lost my own faith that I don't pray anymore. But I still appreciate when other people pray. Is that hypocritical? I don't know

By the way, I better tell you – from now on when I'm writing on this form I'm not using my hands to type – I'm using my Dragon NaturallySpeaking software, which allows me to speak into a microphone and types the words on the screen for me. I'm telling you this because sometimes it puts in the wrong word, it puts a word that sounds like the word I want but isn't quite the right word. Usually I check and fix it, but sometimes it gets by me. So if something I type doesn't make sense, that's why