I am having some marriage problems that I am having a hard time coming to terms with. My husband is a compulsive debtor. We have gone to two councilors. But he won't change. I am a Christian. He is not. He lies to me about almost everything. Two weeks ago I found where he has been going to porno dating web sites. He is inviting women to meet him. When I approached him about it, he was totally unremorseful and says he will continue to do this. I have two daughters ages 14 and 11. I don't want them to see this as acceptable behavior. I have prayed for God to help him. I have had many Christian friends pray for him as well. It is if he enjoys all the evil things he is doing. I asked him if he feared God for the sins he was committing. He says he believes God is ok with what he does. Any helpful thoughts?
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Need Some Thoughts
- Thread starter jessiegirl
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Mϋzikdϋde
Simply Fabulous
- Sep 19, 2002
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Sounds like your husband is really lost...I can't say anything that will make this go away or even make it better but I will say that God is in control. I will pray for you and your family.jessiegirl said:
Your husband has an emptiness that he doesn't know how to fill. He uses porn and and spending to try to fill the hole which just adds to the problem and deepens the empty hole.
Over spending is like over eating. We sometimes do it to temporarily content ourselves. When it no longer makes us happy our only solution is to do it even more. Like drug addiction; the more we do, the more we need.
Porn is often used to fill empty spaces too. It's my guess that your husband had an unhappy childhood...maybe an overcritical or detached Father/Mother. I'm not a counselor but I've been down this same road.
Don't push Christianity down his throat. Plant the seeds and let God do the cultivating.
Don't try to use guilt...God will convict his heart.
Don't try to put the fear of God in him.
Most people end up reaching an all-time low before they turn to God.
I wish I could help you more but I think you know what you have to do. Trust God.
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HeatherJay
Kisser of Boo-Boos
- Sep 1, 2003
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Wow, Jessie, I just said a prayer for you, girl. Surely, in your eyes, your husband must have SOME redeeming quality, because from the list of offenses you just gave, I'd have probably gotten myself out of that situation already. The dating websites, inviting women to meet him...that's cheating. If he refuses to give up that behavior, why would you stay?
Sorry, I don't have more helpful advice to offer. Keep praying for God to change his heart.
Love, Heather
Sorry, I don't have more helpful advice to offer. Keep praying for God to change his heart.
Love, Heather
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Fortunately we have a God who is bigger than the need- all you can really do is turn it all over to Him and leave it there. I know how hurtful and frustrating dealing with some of these problems is but God IS there and He IS in control. I'll pray for you, too.
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If I were you I would follow his example and start spending. He is the head of household and sets the pace for the marriage. Let him react to you instead of you reacting to him.
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IslandBreeze
Caribbean Queen
Maybe he doesn't know much about finances. I know when I was a kid, I was clueless about money, as my mother did not share her finances with me. Now that I'm married, money and spending has been a hard lesson to learn. He may need someone to teach him about money, the value of money, how much more money he would have to spend if he weren't in debt, etc. Hubby and I listen to Dave Ramsey on AM radio. He gives GREAT financial advice, and he's a man of God. If you can't listen to him on the radio, go to his website, daveramsey.com; He has a lot of great stuff on his site.
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He knows what is doing with finances. He forged my name on three credit cards and maxed them out totally $30,000. His family says he has had this problem a long time. He has emptied out my oldest daughters savings account. He applies for credit cards altering his SS# transposing numbers. This past month he charged $1700. for lots of things including his porno sites. We have gone to a councilor twice and it has done no good. He asks his mother and me to bail him out promising he will never do it again, and within months he is back at it. When I confront him about his promise, he beomes beligerant and starts yelling at me. He would care less if I started spending a lot of money. I am trying to make the house payment and keep the kids in the neighborhood with their friends and keep them in soccer, which they love. Listening to you all is helping me and I feel strength through God. I have prayed a lot, but writing on this board has been very theraputic to me. Thanks to you all!
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blitzn
God is my Strong Tower
Come on man, are you serious? Do you honestly think that the eye-for-an-eye approach will help their marriage heal and bring her husband to the Lord? You have to know that if she does this, that her husband would only become angry with her and there would be more finger-pointing and more accusing, and the gap in their marriage would widen even further. I just don't believe this God's best for marriage.desi said:
The scriptures below describe how we are to treat our brethren (men and women), Peter 3:9 speaking to the marriage relationship directly...
1Pe 3:9-12 LITV not giving back evil for evil, or reviling against reviling; but, on the contrary, give blessing; knowing that you were called to this in order that you might inherit blessing. (10) "For the one desiring to love life, and to see good days, let him restrain his tongue from evil, even his lips not to speak guile. (11) Let him turn aside from evil, and let him do good. Let him seek peace, and pursue it; (12) because the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, and His ears open to their prayer. But the face of the Lord is against any doing evil things."
Rom 12:9-21 LITV Let love be without dissimulation, in horror fleeing from evil, cleaving to the good, (10) in brotherly love to one another, loving fervently, having gone before one another in honor; (11) in diligence, not slothful, fervent in spirit, serving the Lord; (12) in hope, rejoicing; in affliction, enduring; in prayer, steadfastly continuing; (13) imparting to the needs of the saints, pursuing hospitality. (14) Bless those persecuting you; bless, and do not curse. (15) Rejoice with rejoicing ones, and weep with weeping ones; (16) minding the same thing toward one another, not minding high things, but yielding to the lowly. Do not become wise within yourselves; (17) returning evil for evil to no one; providing right things before all men. (18) If possible, from you being in peace with all men; (19) not avenging yourselves, beloved, but giving place to wrath, for it has been written, "Vengeance is Mine," "I will repay," says the Lord. (20) Then "if one hostile to you hungers, feed him; if he thirsts, give him drink; for doing this you will heap coals of fire on his head." (21) Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome the evil with good.
1Th 5:14-15 LITV And we exhort you, brothers, to warn the disobedient ones, comfort those that are fainthearted, cleave to the ones being weak, be long-suffering towards all. (15) See that not any one returns evil for evil to anyone, but always pursue the good, both towards one another and towards all.
I think it would be better to approach the situation in love and compassion, no matter how bad it may look. God can change these situations for our good and His glory if we trust in Him and ask Him for help.
- blitzn
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blitzn
God is my Strong Tower
I'm sorry that you're going through this situation. It doesn't look good for sure. All the more reason to ask the Lord to help you and show show you how to proceed. Just worship Him and pray, asking for help and direction; He gives liberally. Be steadfast...jessiegirl said:
-blitzn
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dear JG,
first of all, through 'evil' behaviour one
relinquishes their position of 'head of household'.
Would Jesus Christ have 'anyone' follow an
'evil' leader?
it sounds like you must have prayed and prayed
for these cannot be shortterm habits with you
being in so much debt and pain. you have
given chance after chance and this method is
not working.
as a mother, you have to consider the impact
all of this is having upon your children. the
examples that he and you are setting is their
life's pattern.
i know it is within your power, along with our
Lord's help, to create a safe, nurturing, stable
environment for your children and yourself.
Since your husband has relinquished his position
of 'head of household' it is YOUR responsibility
now, to act appropiately and take the proper
measures, no matter how hard it may be.
i know many are praying special prayers for your
strength courage.
GBY
first of all, through 'evil' behaviour one
relinquishes their position of 'head of household'.
Would Jesus Christ have 'anyone' follow an
'evil' leader?
it sounds like you must have prayed and prayed
for these cannot be shortterm habits with you
being in so much debt and pain. you have
given chance after chance and this method is
not working.
as a mother, you have to consider the impact
all of this is having upon your children. the
examples that he and you are setting is their
life's pattern.
i know it is within your power, along with our
Lord's help, to create a safe, nurturing, stable
environment for your children and yourself.
Since your husband has relinquished his position
of 'head of household' it is YOUR responsibility
now, to act appropiately and take the proper
measures, no matter how hard it may be.
i know many are praying special prayers for your
strength courage.
GBY
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blitzn
God is my Strong Tower
Can you point out the scripture that mentions "...through 'evil' behaviour one relinquishes their position of 'head of household'. Would Jesus Christ have 'anyone' follow an 'evil' leader?...". Is this advice biblical or is it your opinion based on your experience? What does the bible say about how we should act toward those who do us "evil"?...I provided some scripture a couple of posts ago to speak to this point.ten-k said:
You have to remember that to "give-up" is easy and is usually not what the Lord would have us do. I would not pretend to know what jessiegirl or her children have been through, and she will have to ask the Lord to guide her in her decisions, but I do know that He is well able to change things if we trust in Him and have faith that He can and will do it.
- blitzn
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You folks are turning an overspending husband into a battle of good against evil when its not. He is irresponsible and reason has failed with him. The way to fix this is to help him make things worse until he has no choice but start fixing things. Being kind and understanding with him through this is called enabling.blitzn said:
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This is my dilemma. If my husband was remorseful. If he asked for forgiveness, I could find it in my heart to help him. I know God hates divorce. But what if the person you have married becomes what I see as evil. He makes fun of people who believe in Jesus. He says he needs no church because he and God have an understanding. What if you are married to a man that seems to follow the ways of Satan? These are the things I am praying for. I feel it is not good for my girls to see the example their father is setting. Not only do I feel totally worthless in his eyes, I feel he has chose to follow Satan. I feel dragged down by always being lied to, trying to understand his wanting to date women on the porno sites, and his obsession with monetary things. Placing monatary above all. I am praying with all my heart and have asked to be put on prayer lists.
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You chose to marry this fellow. He must have some redeeming qualities. You could give up on your marriage according to secular societal etiquette, but not Biblical instruction.jessiegirl said:
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Jessiegirl...
1. This kind of spending (without remorse) is a symptom of a disorder call Bi-Polar Personality Disorder.
2. Now his risky interests and actions taken XXX Porn sites and trying to meet these people (without remorse) is a symptom of a disorder call Bi-Polar Personality Disorder.
It wouldn't get better soon, not with those bills and with his INTENT on doing as he wishes... If you are interested in you and the kids surviving this there are a few things you can do. The sooner the better
1. Legal Separation. this my be the only way to protect yourself from being responsible for his spending...It doesn't have to include his moving out.
Money is a factor so look up an Attorney that gives a FREE 30 minute consultation. Most do, so call and ask if it isn't already stated in the yellow pages. (Make 2-3 of these appointments with different ones....with each you'll have more information to ask even more questions) Consider it free legal advice. As you know there's always Bankrupsy too.
2. On line Porn... credit cards... if you can call and block the services, maybe through a "parental control" "type" deal... I had all extra charges to my phone line blocked at one time, long distance, 900#'s. Friends of my kids abused this so I shut it down except local calls.
If you call the credit card companies and ask them to put a freeze on charges until the balence is paid down to a certain point might work. If you explain the situation to them they often have options we wouldn't otherwise know about.
If you get a pay check open a separate account in your name. And begin building a saving now!. At home crafts, day care, what ever you can do to save quietly.
If you work for a company, ask them to put the majority directly into the saving account/mutual funds/saving bonds... anything where it can be stuck and untouched by your husband.
You mentioned you'd been to counselors...Try a Psychiatrist. Only they can diagnose Bi-Polar...my X had it...Does he ever get depressed?
1. This kind of spending (without remorse) is a symptom of a disorder call Bi-Polar Personality Disorder.
2. Now his risky interests and actions taken XXX Porn sites and trying to meet these people (without remorse) is a symptom of a disorder call Bi-Polar Personality Disorder.
It wouldn't get better soon, not with those bills and with his INTENT on doing as he wishes... If you are interested in you and the kids surviving this there are a few things you can do. The sooner the better
1. Legal Separation. this my be the only way to protect yourself from being responsible for his spending...It doesn't have to include his moving out.
Money is a factor so look up an Attorney that gives a FREE 30 minute consultation. Most do, so call and ask if it isn't already stated in the yellow pages. (Make 2-3 of these appointments with different ones....with each you'll have more information to ask even more questions) Consider it free legal advice. As you know there's always Bankrupsy too.
2. On line Porn... credit cards... if you can call and block the services, maybe through a "parental control" "type" deal... I had all extra charges to my phone line blocked at one time, long distance, 900#'s. Friends of my kids abused this so I shut it down except local calls.
If you call the credit card companies and ask them to put a freeze on charges until the balence is paid down to a certain point might work. If you explain the situation to them they often have options we wouldn't otherwise know about.
If you get a pay check open a separate account in your name. And begin building a saving now!. At home crafts, day care, what ever you can do to save quietly.
If you work for a company, ask them to put the majority directly into the saving account/mutual funds/saving bonds... anything where it can be stuck and untouched by your husband.
You mentioned you'd been to counselors...Try a Psychiatrist. Only they can diagnose Bi-Polar...my X had it...Does he ever get depressed?
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I don't think he gets depressed. No problem sleeping...no appetite pronlems.....no mood swings. There is definitley some kind of problem that he has trying to compensate with money and porno. He won't admit he has any problem at all. He won't take any medication stronger than an asprin. I think the bottom line is, what ever his problem is, he doesn't care... filling his needs with money and porno is more important to him than his marriage or his kids for that matter. They know he has the problem. They hear the arguments. If he would stop, the arguments would stop, the kids would have a peaceful home life and a male figure to respect and look up to. I've told him this so many times, but he just doesn't care. The other things mean more to him.
jessiegirl
jessiegirl
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