Hi all. I haven't posted here in a while, as I almost completely forgot I had account on this site. Anyway, I've found myself in a really bad situation lately, and I thought I would describe what I've been going through. I'd like to get some input or encouragement from you guys if you can spare it.
Just a little background on me: I'm a 26 year old college student who was diagnosed with Bipolar 2 when I was about 19. I've been on a lot of different medications, and have had constant counseling since my diagnosis. I've had my ups and downs over the years, but things just seem to have gotten unbearable lately.
This is my eighth year as an undergraduate; I spent four years at my hometown's community college, and have spent the last four at the state university. It's been a huge struggle all of the way, as I often failed or have had to withdraw from classes because I was having bouts of depression or anxiety. Right now, I am only twelve credits away from getting my degree in music composition, and I'm in danger of ruining it all.
In the first week of classes this semester, I went into a huge bout of depression that lasted several weeks. I did my best to tell my professors when I would be absent, but some days I could hardly get out of bed, and I missed a number of classes and deadlines without giving any explanation. As of now, I'm about four weeks behind in every class, and I've failed just about every test that I've taken so far. I've started to feel a bit better lately, but with being so behind, I immediately start to get frustrated and anxious when I attempt to work on anything.
Things just haven't been going well for me these past two years. I was given a grant to write a symphony in the summer of 2007, and I completely dropped the ball. As of right now, it's only 2/3 done, and it's not going to be done before I graduate, assuming that I actually do. This thing has been a huge weight on my shoulders for two long years. It's strained my relationship with my composition professor, and I've pretty much lost all interest in writing music. I used to absolutely love it, but now I just don't find any pleasure in it at all.
This last summer, I found out that my financial aid was being suspended due to exceeding the maximum allowed credits for a bachelor's degree. I had to go through a lengthy process to get them to allow me to come back in the fall, and because I wasn't allowed to take any classes over the summer, I had no money to live off of. I had to sell a large portion of what I own and work at McDonalds (the only job I could find) just to make ends meet. Also, my favorite uncle, who was also struggling with depression, committed suicide in August. My grandmother died from a brain tumor shortly after. To add insult to injury, the car that I had finally paid off after three years broke down on my way back home from the funeral. This is actually a big problem, as I rely on frequent visits to my hometown to retain my sanity. Isolation is not something I need right now.
But back to the present; I've got a recital to put together by the end of the year, but I have made no progress on it at all. As much as I want my degree, I just can't write music anymore. I'm sick of trying, getting a little on top of things, and then getting depressed and falling behind yet again. It seems like I'm continually in a state of fixing things in my life. I've gained quite a bit of weight since I've been down here, and have started smoking heavily. I never brush my teeth, and I haven't been to a dentist in over a year. I haven't done laundry in over a month, my apartment is covered in trash. All I do is watch movies, play computer games, eat, sleep, and smoke. Also, I get the feeling that my therapist is very frustrated with me, as we've long figured out what is causing a lot of my troubles, but I've made absolutely no effort to solve them.
That's not the whole story, but it's most of it. Thanks to those of you who read this, and sorry this was so long. It helps sometimes just to put my thoughts down. Again, if you guys could give me some advice or words of encouragement, I'd deeply appriciate it.
Just a little background on me: I'm a 26 year old college student who was diagnosed with Bipolar 2 when I was about 19. I've been on a lot of different medications, and have had constant counseling since my diagnosis. I've had my ups and downs over the years, but things just seem to have gotten unbearable lately.
This is my eighth year as an undergraduate; I spent four years at my hometown's community college, and have spent the last four at the state university. It's been a huge struggle all of the way, as I often failed or have had to withdraw from classes because I was having bouts of depression or anxiety. Right now, I am only twelve credits away from getting my degree in music composition, and I'm in danger of ruining it all.
In the first week of classes this semester, I went into a huge bout of depression that lasted several weeks. I did my best to tell my professors when I would be absent, but some days I could hardly get out of bed, and I missed a number of classes and deadlines without giving any explanation. As of now, I'm about four weeks behind in every class, and I've failed just about every test that I've taken so far. I've started to feel a bit better lately, but with being so behind, I immediately start to get frustrated and anxious when I attempt to work on anything.
Things just haven't been going well for me these past two years. I was given a grant to write a symphony in the summer of 2007, and I completely dropped the ball. As of right now, it's only 2/3 done, and it's not going to be done before I graduate, assuming that I actually do. This thing has been a huge weight on my shoulders for two long years. It's strained my relationship with my composition professor, and I've pretty much lost all interest in writing music. I used to absolutely love it, but now I just don't find any pleasure in it at all.
This last summer, I found out that my financial aid was being suspended due to exceeding the maximum allowed credits for a bachelor's degree. I had to go through a lengthy process to get them to allow me to come back in the fall, and because I wasn't allowed to take any classes over the summer, I had no money to live off of. I had to sell a large portion of what I own and work at McDonalds (the only job I could find) just to make ends meet. Also, my favorite uncle, who was also struggling with depression, committed suicide in August. My grandmother died from a brain tumor shortly after. To add insult to injury, the car that I had finally paid off after three years broke down on my way back home from the funeral. This is actually a big problem, as I rely on frequent visits to my hometown to retain my sanity. Isolation is not something I need right now.
But back to the present; I've got a recital to put together by the end of the year, but I have made no progress on it at all. As much as I want my degree, I just can't write music anymore. I'm sick of trying, getting a little on top of things, and then getting depressed and falling behind yet again. It seems like I'm continually in a state of fixing things in my life. I've gained quite a bit of weight since I've been down here, and have started smoking heavily. I never brush my teeth, and I haven't been to a dentist in over a year. I haven't done laundry in over a month, my apartment is covered in trash. All I do is watch movies, play computer games, eat, sleep, and smoke. Also, I get the feeling that my therapist is very frustrated with me, as we've long figured out what is causing a lot of my troubles, but I've made absolutely no effort to solve them.
That's not the whole story, but it's most of it. Thanks to those of you who read this, and sorry this was so long. It helps sometimes just to put my thoughts down. Again, if you guys could give me some advice or words of encouragement, I'd deeply appriciate it.
Gerry
