Need some support,guidance

[brinny]

Praying raderack (((hug)))

 

[raderack]

First of all,i apologize for the time is taking me to answering here.
Mom is fine,i just spent the day between house chores,and mom caring,wandering around the house about if my life is really worth all of this.
When you think,it all got stable,something happen,another nightmare to my sleep tryouts

 

[raderack]

An almost nice night,mom have one event(that i explained in the other thread),the rest of the night was calm.
Reading some passages of the bible always calm me down,being in a old catholic family we have Bibles from portugal,some from my mothers grandmother(who she inherit her name) she was spanish,i can be an book nerd,but i love old books.
Saying this i finally found out,what really relaxed me,i manage to sleep..just by the simple thought that i have to face my fears..that is the nightmares of the times that my mom got in a crisis..and almost passed to the side of god

 

[brinny]

Bless yer heart, raderack, keep reading the Bible. Continuing to pray for you and your mom (((hug)))

A song and words that i pray minister to you my friend

Women of Faith - Instruments of Peace - YouTube

 

[raderack]

And now the daughter of my vulture sister cathia called here,desesperate ,saying that she would jump out of window..and my lovely vulture sister cathia accusing that is her fault that his father abandoned her..lovely.
I called a taxi to get here there,she will stay the evening here,at 6pm she will be back..

Well if she was able to force me to attempt against my own life,and betray my own catholic beliefe of life preservation,i kinda feel sorry for her daughter..but at same time doing that im risking my own stability if that brings me more stress.

But i cant abandon her,i would die inside if i do that.

 

[raderack]

The teenager is out,and it took her 2 hours to calm down..lovely.
Mom had another episode of lack of air,because she didn't swallow her spit..again..but fortunally it was solved in 8mins or less.

Suck it fast so it dont made her more apprehensive,and calm her down
For now,im reading some old books to calm down,and looking for differences from the old bibles..a "game" that relax me..for some reason it appear that old books scent make me relax.

Is about 11:28pm here,still cant sleep,but the hand shaking stopped and the heavy feeling in the chest got better..i guess all my mind needed was something that i feel comfortable in putting my mind in for sometime and forget the preoccupations and the weight of the day

 

[brinny]

praise God!!!! Continuing to pray that God ministers to you heart, mind, and body. Thank you for the update my friend (((hug)))

 

[raderack]

When patience have gone away,and my resistance is gone too.
I should be living?
is really worth

 

[brinny]

praying my friend (((hug)))

 

[raderack]

Feeling angry,is disgusting that when their mother is this way,facing situations that could kill her,they only call to see if she is going to die or not.
The funny is me against 3 brothers,2 sisters..the unique one who will known what happened to me and my mother,will be this forum..amazing how society work this days.
The lack of a stable and strong catholic church comunity here greatly helped in that too,due to violence and the competition of $$$ churches(here we have a church every corner..mostly only want $$),the catholic church here is extremly weak.

Soon all the paperwork will be done..i have put all i have got for over 20 years savings,i put my entire heritage to pay for it,then they will do not be able to get what is of my mom,whiteout a long justice fight.

When mom got stronger,and whiteout risk..im going to search for a job whatever i can do outside brasil,if i remain here handling these vultures for long,it will be my end.

 

[brinny]

Praying for God to strengthen and sustain you and grant you wisdom, discernment, clarity, and extraordinary favor and protection. Father may it be so, in Jesus name, amen. (((hug)))

 

[raderack]

Amazing i forget entire part of my day..but i cant forget every time she got a crisis..i dream with then every time.

And back to that corner,but now is differrent,before i could try and wanted to find a way to get better,now i dont..i just dont see reasons to keep going with the paperwork almost done..mom always had the money to pay for her recovery,she will live,im not needed

Being here,to be offended,handle pressure from all points alone,since i spent all had in the lawyer and im whiteout working for months doing mom care..is find another place,or get crazy here..but that would be a checkmate in my soul,because i would be leaving her,my own mother,the person i stayed at her side my entire life..do i have the right to be selfish and seek recovery in another place? I cant,so im in the middle of 2 swords..and both are getting deep inside of me

But in that situations,im speculating too much,it would be too much of a miracle to find a place that could accept me to work,that is Christian based outside of brazil

Weird isnt it,when you want to have an option..you just dont have it

 

[raderack]

i will just take 3 paracetamol 1000mg and try to sleep,with some luck i will just blackout for some time
2:03am here that is a record i usually try to go sleep much later.

 

[brinny]

Amazing i forget entire part of my day..but i cant forget every time she got a crisis..i dream with then every time.

And back to that corner,but now is differrent,before i could try and wanted to find a way to get better,now i dont..i just dont see reasons to keep going with the paperwork almost done..mom always had the money to pay for her recovery,she will live,im not needed

Being here,to be offended,handle pressure from all points alone,since i spent all had in the lawyer and im whiteout working for months doing mom care..is find another place,or get crazy here..but that would be a checkmate in my soul,because i would be leaving her,my own mother,the person i stayed at her side my entire life..do i have the right to be selfish and seek recovery in another place? I cant,so im in the middle of 2 swords..and both are getting deep inside of me

But in that situations,im speculating too much,it would be too much of a miracle to find a place that could accept me to work,that is Christian based outside of brazil

Weird isnt it,when you want to have an option..you just dont have it

bless yer heart, continuing to pray for you my friend (((hug)))

 

[raderack]

An weird headache isnt going off with the painkillers,an stressful night for some reason mom is agitated,maybe i deserve it

 

[brinny]

An weird headache isnt going off with the painkillers,an stressful night for some reason mom is agitated,maybe i deserve it

Sooooo sorry about the headache and the stress.....praying for you my friend (((hug)))

 

[raderack]

my headache just dont go away,the memory loss now cover 50% of my day,so far of what i remember she is ok

 

[brinny]

my headache just dont go away,the memory loss now cover 50% of my day,so far of what i remember she is ok

Bless yer heart, praying. Raderack, slow down, calm down, sit, and breathe slowly and evenly, and clear your mind of stress to give yourself a break from it. Make sure you drink enough fluids to not get dehydrated...that, along with the enormous stress can effect you and cause headaches and memory loss...in the meantime i'm praying for your protection and healing and that God strengthens and sustains you. (((hug)))

 

[adara likes sapphire]

their is a cd with healing scriptures john hagge.com is where you can go and get them my mom got one For a Family member and their doing SO much better prayers and staying close to those you can trust to stand in agreement with your For healing

 

[raderack]

And they are back again,the vultures(term used here in brazil,for parent that only appear for $$ or financial interest) brothers and sisters..last time i got very close to take my own life,thanks for a brief moment of light,i was blessed with a brief moment of sanity,i went to a doctor,got medicine..and i survived.

But now i cant,my heartbeat is always over 115..the medicine would cause my heartbeat to get over 130..what could kill me,so i cant count with the science to save myself now

I started doing small cuts by just passing the knife on skin,to see if the pain moderate my internal pain
Maybe i should go,she have the conditions to live..i cant be the shield that my father desire for my mom for long

i will do not update mom threat for now,sjhe is ok..in fact she is way better than me