Hi, I am acutally a member here, but I am posting for some anonymity. I have recently come to terms with the fact that I grew up in a very abusive home. At is an incredibly painful admission. I always knew that the way that I grew up was abnormal, but the love I had for my family did not enable me to see that. As a child I was sexually (first time I ever admitted that), verbally, emotionally, and physically abused. And I am really struggling with that right now. Everyone knows about the physical, verbal, and emotional abuse, but I have never admitted the sexual abuse to anyone, and I am finding that the way I grew up is affecting me today as much as I did not want it to.
I was sexually abused from the time that I was 5 to about 8 by various members of my family, and it is so hard to come to terms with it. My mom and I have always had a difficult relationship, and it is very difficult to forgive her for the things that she did to me. I was often picked on by her and there were times that I would have bruises because she hit me so hard. I remember one time that I sat for five minutes (I was about 14 or 15) and she just kept on slapping me across the face while I cried, I don't even remember why she did it. She would also tell me things like "I wish I had so and so as a daughter, at least she has friends." She would also draw away from me emotionally and affectionately and that was really hard. I am not allowed to discuss these things because I am told by my family that I am living in the past and punishing my mom for her behavior. I am told that I need to get over it and it is not that big of a deal. My mom is so incredibly moody that I never know where I stand with her. One day she told me that I was her biggest mistake, and the next she considers me one of her best friends. I never know where I stand with her, but I find myself being sucked into her manipulation and mind games, and I don't know how to break free from the cycle. She is still abusive towards me, even though I am now and adult. I have tried to separate from her, but the backlash I got from the rest of my family was too painful.
Also, I have never admitted that I was sexually abused. No penetration of any kind, but it was by a cousin and he still creeps me out to this day. I have NEVER even hinted at this in my family, and I don't know that I ever will be able to or what the point would be to bring it up as it happened so long ago. But I am finding that it is affecting my relationships, especially romantic ones, now and I need to know what I can do to change that. As a result of the sexual abuse I am also addicted to masturbation and porn and I am not quite sure how to break the cycle, and no one would ever suspect this type of behavior with me. I have never had a BF and I am terrified of trusting people because of the things that happened to me. I know that what happened to me is not as bad as what some endure, but it is still incredibly painful.
I grew up in a Christian home, or thats the label we had, and I striving to seek God, but I am so hurt over my past that I am really struggling. I apologize for the lengthy post, this is the first time that I have even admitted it to myself, and it is harder then you can imagine. Anybody able to offer me some support or advice on how I can come to terms with my past and break the cycle of abuse with my mom?
I was sexually abused from the time that I was 5 to about 8 by various members of my family, and it is so hard to come to terms with it. My mom and I have always had a difficult relationship, and it is very difficult to forgive her for the things that she did to me. I was often picked on by her and there were times that I would have bruises because she hit me so hard. I remember one time that I sat for five minutes (I was about 14 or 15) and she just kept on slapping me across the face while I cried, I don't even remember why she did it. She would also tell me things like "I wish I had so and so as a daughter, at least she has friends." She would also draw away from me emotionally and affectionately and that was really hard. I am not allowed to discuss these things because I am told by my family that I am living in the past and punishing my mom for her behavior. I am told that I need to get over it and it is not that big of a deal. My mom is so incredibly moody that I never know where I stand with her. One day she told me that I was her biggest mistake, and the next she considers me one of her best friends. I never know where I stand with her, but I find myself being sucked into her manipulation and mind games, and I don't know how to break free from the cycle. She is still abusive towards me, even though I am now and adult. I have tried to separate from her, but the backlash I got from the rest of my family was too painful.
Also, I have never admitted that I was sexually abused. No penetration of any kind, but it was by a cousin and he still creeps me out to this day. I have NEVER even hinted at this in my family, and I don't know that I ever will be able to or what the point would be to bring it up as it happened so long ago. But I am finding that it is affecting my relationships, especially romantic ones, now and I need to know what I can do to change that. As a result of the sexual abuse I am also addicted to masturbation and porn and I am not quite sure how to break the cycle, and no one would ever suspect this type of behavior with me. I have never had a BF and I am terrified of trusting people because of the things that happened to me. I know that what happened to me is not as bad as what some endure, but it is still incredibly painful.
I grew up in a Christian home, or thats the label we had, and I striving to seek God, but I am so hurt over my past that I am really struggling. I apologize for the lengthy post, this is the first time that I have even admitted it to myself, and it is harder then you can imagine. Anybody able to offer me some support or advice on how I can come to terms with my past and break the cycle of abuse with my mom?
