need some SERIOUS advice

[greenteaplum]

Uhm. I'm not engaged YET, but I assume the question will come soon... my boyfriend and I are planning on getting married this summer. And I'm scared, because 1. we're seniors (but we're 18). 2. he doesn't have a job yet. 3. I think summer would be the best time, because college and all, but my biggest worries are finances. I mean I was thinking, maybe it would be cheaper overall in college for us living TOGETHER as opposed to separately (I hope that's the case), and if that's true I think I would feel better about things, but... I need to know WHAT I need to be ready for, besides a marriage and alllll that fun stuff to go along with that...

Tell me all I need to know in order to be prepared for all this. Like... I know God is in control, but I also need to know what I need to be prepared for, and when would be a better time for us.

 

[JCFantasy23]

If you do not feel quite ready I would just choose a long engagement, and not rush it for the summer. 18 can work but it is still quite young and longer engagements can sometimes be the better answer.

 

[waxlion10]

It would be better to take out loans and risk getting into a little debt than to get married too early, in my opinion. College is a great time of growth, and it would be good for both of you to learn to live on your own before you get married and live together. I would strongly encourage you to wait to get married until perhaps NEXT summer.

He needs to have a job before you guys get married, too.

Are you going to attend the same college? Are you looking at getting a job as well?

As Joshua Harris says in one of his books, "The right thing at the wrong time is the wrong thing." Just because you and your boyfriend feel/think/know you are meant to get married doesn't mean this summer is the right time to do it. Please, if you have doubts... wait...

 

[Kicking_Kittens]

If you don't feel ready, then you aren't ready in the least. Especially if you two are in high school. Many things change when you get out of high school, and who knows, you might not be interested in marrying him after you go to college. Your brain isn't fullt developed until you are around 25. You will not be the same person in a few years, and most likely your interests will not be the same. I suggest you wait until you are through college and have stable jobs to marry each other. OR EVEN THINK ABOUT IT. Then you'll know that you two are mature enough, aren't infatuated, and can handle each other even after you've been through college and all of your changes.

I've seen so many young people believe they were with the "one" in high school, and break up half way through freshen year. You two might not be right for each other. Waiting would most likely be a mature choice for the two of you.

 

[greenteaplum]

It would be better to take out loans and risk getting into a little debt than to get married too early, in my opinion. College is a great time of growth, and it would be good for both of you to learn to live on your own before you get married and live together. I would strongly encourage you to wait to get married until perhaps NEXT summer.

He needs to have a job before you guys get married, too.

Are you going to attend the same college? Are you looking at getting a job as well?

As Joshua Harris says in one of his books, "The right thing at the wrong time is the wrong thing." Just because you and your boyfriend feel/think/know you are meant to get married doesn't mean this summer is the right time to do it. Please, if you have doubts... wait...

We are looking at the same college, yes. Which is why we thought it would be great to merge together our lives as in getting married and supporting each other (and I already have a job). We are praying about it. But waiting another year seems... unnecessary. I mean if it is God's plan, then so be it, but we feel without financial issues being in the way it would go along perfectly.

 

[greenteaplum]

If you don't feel ready, then you aren't ready in the least. Especially if you two are in high school. Many things change when you get out of high school, and who knows, you might not be interested in marrying him after you go to college. Your brain isn't fullt developed until you are around 25. You will not be the same person in a few years, and most likely your interests will not be the same. I suggest you wait until you are through college and have stable jobs to marry each other. OR EVEN THINK ABOUT IT. Then you'll know that you two are mature enough, aren't infatuated, and can handle each other even after you've been through college and all of your changes.

I've seen so many young people believe they were with the "one" in high school, and break up half way through freshen year. You two might not be right for each other. Waiting would most likely be a mature choice for the two of you.

haha this is the usual lecture about marrying young/dating seriously for us "youngsters" and I appreciate it. But my relationship is in God's hands completely. And He has blessed it SO much. With the way it is going and the signs God is sending us leaves us with less and less doubts whether we are meant to be together or not. Other than we have known each other a long length of time, and connect on so many levels, open up easily and have also taken mature steps in our relationship, I can assure you it isn't all infatuation. Believe me, we are praying so heavily about things. And the relationship is just... moving. Not physically, or anything, since we of course we have set boundaries. But many hurdles we have overcome have been in areas a lot of other relationships struggle to get by (communication, encouragement, ect). I know relationships are hard at times, but since God has been in control so many prayers and questions have been answered. God has blessed us both. I fully, honestly believe it is all Him. And I think this is what He wants for me. I mean I don't want to use that cliche by saying "you just know if it is him/her", because of course we could breakup tomorrow, God willing, but I think it is safe to say that God has us together for a definite monumentously significant reason, to say the least.

My worries are solely based on finances. And mind you, they are worries. Because I am the average worrywart and my boyfriend is, well, not. Which is how we balance each other out. And without the burden of finances I could see things moving on so incredibly smoothly. So back to what my original objective was, that was my question... it was based off whether or not it is doable for us to go ahead this summer.

 

[Blank123]

so wouldn't the logical approach be to get your finances in order *before* getting married? If its God's will for you to get married won' that still be the case once you're financially set? I'm not sure why you feel the need to rush it?


i'm not ragging on you because you're young either, my boyfriend and i are no where near financially ready to be married and self sufficient and there's no way i would marry until i knew we could stand on our own two feet, because really thats the responsible thing to do. When you marry you're saying that you're grownup you're going to take care of each other and any children or other surprises down the road (car maintenance, health, house issues, etc..) and if the money is not there to do that then it becomes your family's responsibility or your friends responsibility instead to make sure the two of you have a place to live, food to eat, money for school, etc... thats not fair to anyone. Especially with the downturn of the economy these days and no end in sight its only smart to have your finances in order first.

 

[Adonaija]

Considering finances are one of the leading issues in marriages, it would be wise to figure out your finances prior to marriage.

Can you afford a place to live? Utilities? Car Insurance? Home Insurance? Health Insurance? Furniture? Dishes? etc?

Rent in my area for a studio (not even a 1 bedroom) runs around $1100/mo
Utilities run around $350 (Heat/Internet)/mo
Cell Phone $88.00/mo
Car Payment $200/mo
Car Insurance w/ perfect record and age discount $98.00/mo
Groceries for 2 people $60/week (and that is conservative)
Gas per week $40/week or $160/mo (conservative estimate for one car)
Health Insurance $200/mo (Very conservative estimate for a single adult)

Don't forget all the other incidentals - Clothing, Car Repairs, Dishes, Entertainment, Furnishing an apartment/house, Laundry Detergent, Taxes, Car Registration, Eating Out, Home Owners Association Fees, Toilet paper, cleaning supplies etc etc etc

Just some things to think about!

 

[waxlion10]

We are looking at the same college, yes. Which is why we thought it would be great to merge together our lives as in getting married and supporting each other (and I already have a job). We are praying about it. But waiting another year seems... unnecessary. I mean if it is God's plan, then so be it, but we feel without financial issues being in the way it would go along perfectly.

I get the "too young" speech, too, sometimes. Just the other day, my dad warned me to wait until I graduate to get married, even though my bf is graduating in May of this year. So, I understand where you're coming from

How involved are your parents in your lives? Like, I know right now, I'm on my parents' insurance plan. How would that work for you and your boyfriend if you two got married this summer?

I say sit down with your boyfriend, even if he isn't a worrywart like we girls are, and show him, logically, how much money it would cost to get married vs. how much it would save.

Best of luck!

 

[peanutbutter12]

My wife was young when we got married, so while age is of some concern, it does vary from person to person. Some people are ready for marriage younger than others, some people are not.

Here's the thing: marriage is not only commitment, it's responsibility. What you described in your first post is a very good reason to hold off getting married because you're not ready. What I mean by this is you've got parts of an equation, but not the whole, and that is a recipe for disaster early on in marriage.

There are several things you need to prepare for. You need to be spiritually, mentally, and financially ready. If you lack in any of those areas when you enter into marriage, you can run into major issues not far down the road that would put serious and unneeded strain on your relationships.

So obviously you've covered the first two and you are lacking in the third... when I say financially ready, that doesn't mean you need $40,000 in your bank account to spare, but it does mean you need to do a little better than barely scraping by each month. And while, yes, you can have a marriage without money, but the simple facts point out that most marriages end because of financial issues. So make sure you cover that very well when it comes to deciding about marriage.

 

[k450ofu3k-gh-5ipe]

Considering finances are one of the leading issues in marriages, it would be wise to figure out your finances prior to marriage.

Can you afford a place to live? Utilities? Car Insurance? Home Insurance? Health Insurance? Furniture? Dishes? etc?

Rent in my area for a studio (not even a 1 bedroom) runs around $1100/mo
Utilities run around $350 (Heat/Internet)/mo
Cell Phone $88.00/mo
Car Payment $200/mo
Car Insurance w/ perfect record and age discount $98.00/mo
Groceries for 2 people $60/week (and that is conservative)
Gas per week $40/week or $160/mo (conservative estimate for one car)
Health Insurance $200/mo (Very conservative estimate for a single adult)

Don't forget all the other incidentals - Clothing, Car Repairs, Dishes, Entertainment, Furnishing an apartment/house, Laundry Detergent, Taxes, Car Registration, Eating Out, Home Owners Association Fees, Toilet paper, cleaning supplies etc etc etc

Just some things to think about!

Wise post.

Remember, though, that there are many ways that you can cut the cost of living down. Living frugally and being a good steward of what God provides can stretch a dollar much further!

That being said, if you do decide to get married, it would be wise to meet with a Christian, pre-marital counselor who will go over the four biggies of marriage with you: finances, children, sex, and communication. My wife and I received pre-marital counseling from our pastor and it was a big help.

 

[Luther073082]

Greentea doses of reality here.

1. This is an emotional thing to you. Recognize that with things like this you aren't going to always make the most logical decisions. Life has taught me that logic and emotion don't always go hand in hand. In fact they rarely do.

2. You need money, if you are both going to college how are you going to do this?

3. If you are that committed to eachother you will be together in 4 years after you graduate from college.

4. People change ALOT in college. I was shy, an atheist, and I hated dancing when I entered college. I'm definatly not shy anymore, I'm a Lutheran Christian Sunday school teacher, and I've competed in 13 different ballroom dance competitions!

That was a lot of change in 4 years!

In fact I really think that if me at 18 met me at 22, the 18 year old me would literally HATE me at 22.

I really advise you save it til you are a little older and have a stable income.

Marriage is a huge responsibility. You are committing to take care of eachother in every way. But you've been an adult for not even a year now.

Give yourself some time to get this whole adult thing figured out before you decide to jump into a marriage. If you two are that committed to eachother it won't matter because you two will still be together when you finish.

I don't mean to make you feel like a child you can make your own decisions thats part of being an adult. But there is wisdom (albeit with a huge dose of humility) in recognizing your own inexperience. If you look it up you will find that people who get married under the age of 20 have a HUGE risk of divorce. Do you think those people got married thinking they where going to get divorced? No of course not, no one gets married expecting that they will get divorced. They where people who where caught up in emotions and made a poor decision and jumped into something that their experience in life had not yet prepared them to try and handle.

 

[Bobby1812]

Hi

We all want to enjoy our marriage. Regardless of marrying at young age or older, there are always basic issues to consider. And these issues are not meant to hinder us from getting married, but they are practical reminders of what are needed to stay marriage & also stay happily marriage.

In discussion on 'getting married' topic, three issues normally take centre stage. I put them here for your consideration:

1. Communication - Are both of you able to communicate effectively and honestly? Do you understand his individual goal in life? And does both of you understand what you want through this marriage? These are just some good questions to ponder.

2. Finances - Do both of you have the means today to stay financially sound to pursue your individual goals until both of you can get secure jobs eventually? Finance issues cannot be underestimated. It can really be trying when the going gets tight and the bills keep coming.

3. Sex - This is something most of us are aware and understand, so I won't elaborate much here.

Personally, I do not think there is an minimum age for marriage. However, after considering the above factors (and others if you know them) and you realized that it takes time to ground or establish those factors, that will be one reason why we wait to tie the knot.

In the mean time, I encourage you to keep communicating with your b/f.

Rgds
Bobby

 

[SiyoNqoba]

Edit: Just realised that this was a very old post, and that your decision had changed slightly