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defeatedchristian
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Thanks but I'm not trolling. This is a serious post. I'm too miserable right now to troll, but I am thankful you think I'm that clever.
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Man, should have read the Tag first. Got hauled in by a troll. And a good one, too. Kudos to you.
I think, "Well, they wouldn't want me anyway, so why bother?" I'm pre-empting their rejection by avoiding them altogether. If women liked me, they would let me know, approach me, smile at me, etc. They don't.
DC, my heart really goes out to you. I am trying so hard to help you, and it is statements like this which break my heart. You do not see how you are sabotaging your own desires. Your thinking needs a makeover.
Rather than make presuppositions about women and how they will respond, why not try something new. Hopefully I can explain why, but here is an example of your thinking in the quote. Here's something else you can think:
"Whether those gals at church 'want me' or not, they seem like great people to simply get to know. I won't make it about 'finding a spouse' but I will make it about being a good friend to my sisters in Christ."
There are reasons for this. First, women are put off by someone who is obviously just searching for a spouse and would make no other contact if not for a chance to get a ring on her finger. Women want to know there is more to your contact. They want to feel special, not attractive.
Second, let's look at the relationship between Christ and the church. Ephesians 5 says men are to love their wives like Jesus does the church. How is that? It starts with his decision to put her needs ahead of his own. In all her imperfection (ugliness), he finds her worth his time and his suffering. So in her sin, Jesus came and lived among us to prepare a way to reconcile with the Father. He initiated this love relationship by pursuing her, by sacrificing for her.
Now let's translate that into the marriage relationship. It is up to the husband (man) to initiate and pursue a woman. Why? Not because he finds her sexy and attractive, but because he has decided in his heart to love her, honour her, and nurture her spiritual walk with the Lord. Jesus' intent is pure love (not eros). That is how the love relationship begins. It does not begin with attraction. It begins with love. And as love for someone grows, attraction may or may not happen. If it does, there is nothing better than expressing that attraction with the one you love - your best friend.
Now a word on humility. Humility is not self deprecating. It is an honest evaluation of yourself in relationship to how others see you. It is knowing who you are as a man, as a friend, as a worker, as a Christian servant, and yes, as a future husband. Humility is about being devoted to others in brotherly love, considering others better than yourselves, but also giving God the glory for your gifts and talents. Humility is an attitude of the heart, but is not self-defeating and it does NOT mean low self worth. It is about being meek, spiritually bankrupt (poor in spirit), dependent on God, but also taking responsibility for your life, your behaviours, your roles, your attitudes, etc. Humility drives a person to be the initiator of reconciliation. It is necessary in order to go to someone and acknowledge how your behaviour has hurt them, and ask them to be merciful, to forgive you. And as a husband loving his wife like Christ loves the church, it is necessary for a husband to initiate this behaviour in his marriage. It is this lowliness of mind which women are attracted to, and this humble attitude causes even a less-than-average man to appear like Mr. Universe. That is what women will go for.
But if you make presuppositions of rejection, you will never give women the opportunity to know you in this way, for attraction to grow. Please think about all this. It is biblical and it will change your relationships. You will even start to think more optimistically and that will draw you to healthier relationships.
If you like reading, I would look at some really key books on the subject of how to find a spouse. Iirc Neil Clark Warren put out a book (prior to e-harmony) about how to find a partner of character, what qualities to look for. That might be a good starting point. It is good not only to look for them in others, but to BE them for others to see as well. Believe me, she will be looking for them in you.
If you like a really deep read, A Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas is a great foundation to really understanding the theology of marriage.
But I already have enough male friends. I don't have the time, sadly, to befriend every unattractive female I meet. I really don't.
So a woman would be perfectly okay with me having zero sexual interest in her, and never sleeping with her even after marriage? Or, if that is too extreme, she would be perfectly fine with knowing I find her completely unattractive? Why do so many women, Christian women too, spend so much time on their clothes, make-up, hair and so on if they have no desire for anyone to see them as "pretty?" Why do Christian girls and women sit there and discuss these things and even tell one another, "You are so pretty!!"?
In my experience, every woman wants to feel special, attractive and desired. Religion aside. You're saying no.
Not to be cynical, but how many Christian relationships have actually begun in such a manner? I have outright heard pastors stand up on the pulpit, when addressing college age students, and tell them the reason why he went out with his wife was because she was "hot." This was not just one time or one guy either.
Most Christian men I know did not marry someone with the pure intent of "just showing godly, self-sacrificial love" to a total stranger. It's a nice thought and I can totally see where it comes from, but how many Christians actually marry out of this reason? How many date from this place? None I know of.
This, of course, does go along with the forbidding of marrying anyone physically attractive. Perhaps that IS God's will, after all? I'm wondering now...
Did I say you should? No. You jump to so many conclusion based on assumptions, and it makes me really wonder if there is something wrong with logical thinking? Do you need me to spell it out alphabetically? I am saying put aside your preoccupation with finding a wife. make friends with men and women. Treat them all as brothers and sisters in Christ. As you get to know women and as they get to know you, you might be surprised at the things that can happen. As it is you are shutting them down before they even can get to know you. And that never works. Women want to know the man who is interested in them...but she wants to know he's in it for more than her panties.
Again, you are coming off as really immature and/or uneducated in relationship matters. How could ANYONE think it would be okay to have zero sexual interest? YIKES, talk about assumptions and negative thinking. No one has EVER said there should be zero sexual interest. Everyone is saying it should not be a priority.
Why do women want to look pretty? Because there is a lot of competition for the few good men who are out there. And believe me, there are very few good men who are available. But it's more than that. I am not in competition, but I still want to look good for my husband. It's about taking care of yourself and being a good steward of the body God has given you. And you can tell a woman who is strutting her stuff rather than simply taking care of herself.
I never said no. Of course women want to know they are attractive to the one they love. But there is far more to attraction than outward appearance. The outer reflect what is inside. A beautiful woman can be very ugly if she has a less than desirable personality. And likewise, a below-average woman can be very beautiful if she has inner beauty. Look up the story of Johnny Lingo online. It's a very short story, but has a really great message about appearance. Read it and learn from it....believe me, it is very true.
Personally I find this completely inappropriate. But we also don't know their whole story. She might have been hot at one time, but how stormy was their relationship on and off through the years? I'm sure some were great, but I'm sure there were many whose marriages went through serious troubles. I know of a pastor whose wife was extraordinarily beautiful. They had three children together, and then he went off with another woman who was not half as beautiful as his wife.
Right, but you have the edge. You can go into understanding relationships with a godly understanding. Jesus knew us and loved us before he died for us. He didn't come into the relationship blind. The Bible tells us that he knew us before he even formed us in our mother's womb. And he has a longing to be intimately involved in our lives. So he came and died for us, in pursuit of our reciprocated love. But it started with knowing. He knew us. You don't just look at someone and say "I want her." You must KNOW her, be intimate friends with her, and then pursue her with an everlasting love - which is met by selflessness, service, sacrifice, to her, taking on the attitude of Christ in humility.
How often do people need to tell you that it is not forbidden to want someone you are attracted to? I must have told you at least a dozen times, and others on all three threads now must have told you another two dozen times. Why don't you simply let your inaccurate ideas go? Why do you keep insisting that is what you are being told, when it is NOT? You are 32. But I wonder about this....it feels like my 20 year old who has never had a girlfriend knows more about relationships and has a more mature outlook on them.
And okay, how am I not taking responsibility here? I have outright said numerous times, it is my looks that is keeping me single.
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How do you know this for sure? I am an attractive woman yet in the past I had a lot of trouble getting dates. I have a close friend who is gorgeous and she also has had nearly the same amount of trouble. Same goes for some of my attractive guy friends.
We think we finally figured out the reason and it has nothing to do with looks. We are just very deep people and very unique. The world wants shallow and it wants people who conform and fit in. All my friends and I stand out and that can be intimidating to people. We finally figured out that most people are going to reject us, but that we don't need most people to like us and we wouldn't be happy with them anyway. Now we look for a specific type of person who likes deep talks about spirituality and who appreciates uniqueness.
It's not all about looks. You think it is because you aren't super attractive, but really I don't think that's likely to be the problem. It's probably something else. I know some people who are very far below average appearance and they have no problem getting dates and boyfriends or girlfriends. I used to wonder how they could get so many dates and I couldn't! It ended up being that they tried very hard to fit in and most people are attracted to someone they understand, who is the norm, predictable, and intimidated by someone unique. They may like the unique person but they are more shy to go out with them and they have doubts on whether they should be with that person.
Seeing as how I get nowhere with online dating or in real life with women approaching me or talking to me/showing any interest in me, it's safe to say you are wrong and it's my looks, not my attitude keeping me single.
I waited 15 years for a spouse...
I prayed,begged,cried,bargained,read self help books ,had hands laid on me, named and claimed it, gave tithes ,planted seeds and of course my friends and I stayed on the altar with our requests among other things.
Guess what I learned?
To surrender my desire to the Lord. I was willing to stay single if that was God's will for my life,and I meant it.I just gave up .
He gave me such peace and joy as I began to wait on Him(serve Him)
In turn to my delight and surprise very shortly He sent me a wonderful husband!
BTW I was not a spring chicken either.
It's only in the Christian community that I am lambasted for wanting to be married. I don't get that with ordinary, secular people. I wonder why?
I don't recall in one place where I said "God owes me this". Where did I say that? Nowhere.
I have been praying and praying that God would bring me a spouse for over 10 years but He hasn't. It is very discouraging to see others so happy and blessed while I am consistently ignored by God for this. I don't know what else to do, I tried the internet to meet people, but nothing happened. What else can I do? I tried asking out people at school and in church, nothing happened. God has forgotten me.
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