Need some direction - Personal matter

[Gospellightofmine]

It's a personal matter, not one questioning religion but of a matter that effects me quite often. I need advice quickly -
How do you let go of the things that upset you? Let go of things people do that upset or hurt you?
and
How do you handle difficult parents? The elderly ....
What does the Bible say about this?
My parents and I got into an argument - a pretty petty one. It ended with my mother telling me not to be upset w/ my father treating me badly as I treat people badly as well and that I shouldn't take offense to things that were said as I'm a girl - She has many other things to tell me but since I'm pregnant she won't. To solve the problem they've decided not to talk to me until I'm done w/ my pregnancy.
I haven't spoken to them since.... and I feel horrible. I know, deep down inside they are wrong but I can't let it be. I was given the advice to sit down and have a heart-to-heart conversation w/ them. That is impossible as my parents would never admit fault or mutual responsibility. That idea is out of the window.
Knowing we'll never be able to discuss things maturely, I have to be able to let this go and I don't know how. This applies to my life in general. If I am in an argument or disagreement, I need to discuss it (always maturely and I always try my best to speak with words of love) until it's resolved. If it's not resolved, it runs over and over again until I bring it up again ....

 

[Jim47]

Welcome to the forum. With all the experience I've had in this area I should be able to give you some real good advice, but I can't. I can only tell you what helps me, some of the time.

Try always to maintain your composure and not get upset, not easy to do, but with prayer and practice you will get better. I know a little about where you are coming from as far as problem parents. My Mother and Dad were divorced 15 years ago after 39 years of marriage. My Dad past away 6 years ago, the problem is my mother never forgave my dad for the things he did, even though he repented and asked forgiveness. So my mother is outside of grace. The reason I am telling you this is so you know you aren't alone. I've tried many times to talk to my mother who now for the last 6-7 years is poisoned by my athesist brother who has lived with her for about 7 years. I get no where with her and can't even have a private conversation because of my brother. I feel all kinds of guilt for not being better at bringing her back to the Lord, but I don't know what to do. So I just keep my ears open and wait patiently on The Lord. Finally we have to trust in Him when we can't handle problems. This alone, should give you some confort. We just aren't equipped to handle every problem, therefore cast your burdens on The Lord.

If they won't talk to you, try a letter, but be very careful what you write or you may just make things worse. Above all, keep them in your prayers. God can work wonders.

I of course don't know your particular situation or problem, but, ask yourself this, does it matter who is right or wrong. Or is it better to try and eat crow (even though you may be right) and try and make things better? If you can discretely offer any details, maybe I can help you find appropiate scripture. You can also PM me or anyone else if you prefer to keep details private.

The following scripture is taken out of context, although I think the meaning is still applicable.

1Co 6:7 The very fact that you have lawsuits among you means you have been completely defeated already. Why not rather be wronged? Why not rather be cheated?

God's Blessings to you.

 

[LilLamb219]

Parents are sinful just as we are, but since they are our parents we are to honor them.

Sometimes it's best to avoid certain conversations that you know will end up in conflict. If some conversations start to go badly, or if you start hearing the same old gripings from parents, you should really learn a neat trick of how to effectively change the topic.

Even while honoring parents, children can put up boundaries that their parents should follow. You really need to be up front and tell your parents what the boundaries are if you expect them to oblige. Healthy boundaries can make healthy relationships.

Sometimes it's really difficult to let go of our emotions. But if you learn how to grab some control of your conversations, then you can avoid having some of those emotions in the first place.

I don't know if any of this helps or not.

 

[ctay]

I still have trouble with my mother, you can't talk to her so I don't say anything. She got worse when I switch church's even though its same denomination. I didn't say to much to her why I switched, she's just very hard to talk to. She really got me down back in the fall. I went to Biloxi to help with cleanup and I felt a 100% better when I got back. I do pray a lot. I usually tend to be quiet when she says something or change the subject.

 

[Gospellightofmine]

Keeping quiet or holding my tongue is indeed one of my many problems. If someone / something hurts, offends or is just wrong, I'll feel I'll need to say something. So when my difficult parents say these ridiculous things.... I always say something.

I always feel that if I keep my mouth shut - #1 then I should not be hurt or offended by it.. #2 that person will just continue doing it #3 that person will not know they are wrong .. or how they hurt someone

My father does say many inconsiderate and hurtful things however; my mother blows him out of the water with the hurtful, prideful and just mean things that come out of her mouth. Can this really be due to aging? I always felt the elderly were wise and considerate and had an abundance of patience ..... my parents are definitely not following that description ...

My father called last week - First thing out of his mouth "You know, You have a mother... and when you forgot to buy her a Easter corsage for church she was very hurt. I think you need to remember your mom and be sure not to forget on mothers day... a corsage for church and a little something else"

I just sat there in amazement... I'm 9 months pregnant and going through a few complications and the last thing on my or my husbands mind was making sure my mother had a corsage for the Easter church service. He went on with a few other things ... not in as much detail as this stupid corsage but continued to unload on other issues that have bothered my mother ...

I told him if I was to buy my mother something it should from me, not from my father telling me what to do. His response was defensive and said "Forget it, I never want you to spend any money on any of us ever again ... I will give the money to one of your brothers to buy her a corsage.". (I told you this was ridiculously petty) (I have 5 brothers and he wouldn't dare mention this to them)

We hung up and a few days later he called again discussing the same thing .... I decided to call my mother and she of course sided w/ her husband and joined him ... I should not be upset w/ him treating me badly as I treat her badly all the time ... She said my father called me because I'm the girl ... and I should make these things my responsibility....She said she has a lot more to say to me and I should consider myself lucky she isn't saying them ... because we'd get in a horrible argument and to solve this problem, nobody will call me until I'm done w/ my pregnancy.... and nobody has.

I couldn't help but to cry and tell her I'm sorry if I did something to offend her and she didn't respond. I was in shock by our conversation .. and I can just run her tone of voice over and over in my head ... how threatening and patronizing she was the tone is of when a mother counts to three when her child is doing something wrong "Oneeeeeee, Twoooooooooooooo..... "

My mother was raised in a different environment. A very strict and closed-minded family - and she's passed that to our family. My father however is much more open minded (selectively of course) but as soon as one of them shuts down or just doesn't want to deal w/ an issue... they tag team into this ridiculously angry and ignorant unit. My mother has health problems but nothing can be done as she would never take direction from one of her children ... Her mind can never be changed ... and I am petrified of her attitude getting worse as she ages.....


Thank you- You are totally right. I should humble myself ... and that verse is definitely fitting ... I haven't been praying enough ....

How do I set healthy boundaries? - Do I say "Don't mention petty things to me as I do not bring them up to you ...- Treat me as you treat my brothers."?.... (Examples - Family gatherings... My husband and I assist in the cost of what it takes of feed the entire family and usually end up spending about $50 worth of groceries each Sunday and $100 on special days.... My parents have never asked my brothers to contribute, however they call each Sunday to give us a list of what to bring)

Healthy boundaries sound so wonderful - Especially w/ our baby coming .... I'd love to set them in a way they will respect and assist us in.

*I can't tell you all how amazing it feels to have typed all this .... I actually feel better. Thank you so much.....

 

[LilLamb219]

I always feel that if I keep my mouth shut - #1 then I should not be hurt or offended by it.. #2 that person will just continue doing it #3 that person will not know they are wrong .. or how they hurt someone

Someone once said that we can't be offended by someone's words unless we allow it to happen. I don't know if I really agree with that as I an overlysensitive and my feelings get hurt easily. You might be the same?

After reading your example concerning the Easter corsage, I see that your family is passive aggressive when they talk to you. They will say something volatile and try to make it come out smelling like a rose. Don't fall for it and don't stoop to that level either.

When your dad said, ""You know, You have a mother... and when you forgot to buy her a Easter corsage for church she was very hurt. I think you need to remember your mom and be sure not to forget on mothers day... a corsage for church and a little something else"

your reply could be along the lines of....

"I'm really sorry Mom is hurt by the lack of a corsage. She knows how much I love her and she knows how difficult the pregnancy is right now for me. A flower just doesn't compare to the wonderful grandchild she will be cuddling in a few short months."

Now, IF the conversation continues, this is where a healthy boundary needs to be put in to place and a redirection starts. What you can say is something like, "Dad, I already told you I'm sorry Mom is hurt, but right now I'm concentrating on keeping my baby healthy and I know you and Mom really want what is best for the baby. Let's talk about something else right now..." and then you change the topic. If he keeps going back to the Easter corsage, DON'T let him. Tell him that that topic is ended. Don't get mad, but be firm and stand your ground. That is NOT dishonoring your parent, it is setting a healthy boundary. As long as you don't talk back, get snotty, or get emotional about it, you will do fine. Try to just remain as calm as can be and stick with your new topic no matter how much he wants to go back to the old one.

You wrote: How do I set healthy boundaries? - Do I say "Don't mention petty things to me as I do not bring them up to you ...

Well, that type of wording might not be as effective as saying, "I'd really appreciate it if we didn't talk about that" or "I'd like it if you didn't say that to me". That clearly shows how you feel and what you expect.

You wrote: - Treat me as you treat my brothers."?.... (Examples - Family gatherings... My husband and I assist in the cost of what it takes of feed the entire family and usually end up spending about $50 worth of groceries each Sunday and $100 on special days.... My parents have never asked my brothers to contribute, however they call each Sunday to give us a list of what to bring)

When they give you the list, let your parents know that you'll pass on part of the list to your brothers so they can contribute as well. Tell them that it will start to be a burden with the expense of a baby and that you'll need help from your brothers to alleviate the cost. Again, don't be emotional and just say it as a matter of fact. Be pleasant and make it seem as IF your brothers would love to help out the family In other words, turn a bad situation into a good one.

 

[Gospellightofmine]

Someone once said that we can't be offended by someone's words unless we allow it to happen. I don't know if I really agree with that as I an overlysensitive and my feelings get hurt easily. You might be the same?

After reading your example concerning the Easter corsage, I see that your family is passive aggressive when they talk to you. They will say something volatile and try to make it come out smelling like a rose. Don't fall for it and don't stoop to that level either.

When your dad said, ""You know, You have a mother... and when you forgot to buy her a Easter corsage for church she was very hurt. I think you need to remember your mom and be sure not to forget on mothers day... a corsage for church and a little something else"

your reply could be along the lines of....

"I'm really sorry Mom is hurt by the lack of a corsage. She knows how much I love her and she knows how difficult the pregnancy is right now for me. A flower just doesn't compare to the wonderful grandchild she will be cuddling in a few short months."

Now, IF the conversation continues, this is where a healthy boundary needs to be put in to place and a redirection starts. What you can say is something like, "Dad, I already told you I'm sorry Mom is hurt, but right now I'm concentrating on keeping my baby healthy and I know you and Mom really want what is best for the baby. Let's talk about something else right now..." and then you change the topic. If he keeps going back to the Easter corsage, DON'T let him. Tell him that that topic is ended. Don't get mad, but be firm and stand your ground. That is NOT dishonoring your parent, it is setting a healthy boundary. As long as you don't talk back, get snotty, or get emotional about it, you will do fine. Try to just remain as calm as can be and stick with your new topic no matter how much he wants to go back to the old one.

You wrote: How do I set healthy boundaries? - Do I say "Don't mention petty things to me as I do not bring them up to you ...

Well, that type of wording might not be as effective as saying, "I'd really appreciate it if we didn't talk about that" or "I'd like it if you didn't say that to me". That clearly shows how you feel and what you expect.

You wrote: - Treat me as you treat my brothers."?.... (Examples - Family gatherings... My husband and I assist in the cost of what it takes of feed the entire family and usually end up spending about $50 worth of groceries each Sunday and $100 on special days.... My parents have never asked my brothers to contribute, however they call each Sunday to give us a list of what to bring)

When they give you the list, let your parents know that you'll pass on part of the list to your brothers so they can contribute as well. Tell them that it will start to be a burden with the expense of a baby and that you'll need help from your brothers to alleviate the cost. Again, don't be emotional and just say it as a matter of fact. Be pleasant and make it seem as IF your brothers would love to help out the family In other words, turn a bad situation into a good one.

Thank you for the wonderful advice. (You are correct - My feelings get hurt very easily)

You've been a great help - Thanks again.

 

[LilLamb219]

You're welcome. I hope it works out for you.

I don't know how old you are, but I know that when I was younger (I'm 39 now), I would get so aggravated by just about anything my parents would say. Now, the same things don't bother me as much. I'm not sure why I have a better tolerance level, but it's been helpful.

 

[Jim47]

*I can't tell you all how amazing it feels to have typed all this .... I actually feel better. Thank you so much.....

I do hope you feel better. I can see that Lil Lamb has given you a lot of good advice, much better than mine, which is probably why I still have problems with my mother.

Good luck and thanks for sharing. Also, remember your baby is much more important than your relationship with your parents. Enjoy the new child and God Bless.

 

[Flipper]

Did your parents impress upon you that you were expected to take care of them when you got older? I have friends with parents kind of like that, and when they try to do their own thing, their parents react in much the same way. It's kind of common if you are the only daughter, or the youngest.

Mirroring Lil Lamb and Jim. Age has brought me more tolerance in dealing with my parents too. My parents aren't too bad, but they had their moments on a couple of things. It finally came to a head a few years ago on Christmas Eve when my mom, who is usually on her best behavior in front of my husband, called me a B-word in front of him - because for the first time in my 30-something years of existence, I was spending Christmas day with his folks instead. It was on our way out the door anyway (on Christmas Eve), so I just didn't say anything, and while it was hard to do, I just stopped speaking to either of my parents. When she tried to apologize a week later, I called her on it because she was only apologizing because she said it in front of him. When I made that point, she didn't argue too much about it. I refused to speak to either of them for, gosh, 3-4 months after that. It was hard, because my instincts were telling me to give her (them) a piece of my mind. My not giving in to her wishes, and not saying anything back to her (except that I didn't accept her apology) actually put my point across much more than anything else I could have done at that time. Now, we have an understanding, even though we might not agree, and this has never happened again, and I'll be surprised if it does.

It sounds harsh, but if your parents are smart, they will realize that if they are going to have any time with you or their grandchild, they will back off on their own. If they don't, you may have to distance yourself from them, and it will be their loss.

 

[ctay]

Right now I'm struggling on what to do, I go to a small church and having to deal with someone in church. I need some prayers.