Need some advice

[NeedAdvice]

Hello, I know this is a woman's group, but I have a question. My wife's best friend is in a verbal abusive relationship, they have been married 20+ years and have 4 daughters.

Well, after years of getting up the courage, she left him yesterday and was excited/nervous about getting out... until today.

Today, she talked to her family and kids and eventually agreed to meet with him. Well, in the last 24 hours, he has been busy and told EVERYONE that she and my wife are gay and that she is cheating on him. The saddest part is her family BELIEVED him; he even accused me of being gay.

So, now she feels like she has to go back as she is a good christian woman and she thinks it is the only way for her to get her good name back. He told her that she can have no contact with me or my wife since we are so gay (trust me, we aren't) and it is HER fault all this has happened.

My wife is scared for her (and for herself) and I'm upset that the guy is giving men a bad name... everyone thinks he is Mr. Nice (LOL, saw through that the first day).... anyway, what can I do, if anything? What advice should I give my wife? I've tried to be helpful and listen and advise, but I'm out of my element now and need some help.

 

[Kathleen111]

She'll leave when she is ready to leave, not when other people are ready for her. Sounds typical, he'll isolate and control her. The victim is not allowed to have friends or family, because that's exactly what a friend will say is he is a butt and it isn't her fault. He can't have her having any self esteem or self respect.

The numbers aren't good. The average battered spouse leaves the abuser five times before she leaves for good. 80% don't ever leave. Of the 20% that do leave, 80% of those get a new abuser or return to the old abuser. There is little to no help or support. She'll have to work 3 jobs with 4 kids to get out, or leave the kids with him. He controls all the money so, she'll have to work extra hard to get out and most people can't work 3 jobs. One job for food, rent, and clothes, one for car and utility bills, and a third job for the lawyers she'll need to divorce this man.

 

[Catherineanne]

Hello, I know this is a woman's group, but I have a question. My wife's best friend is in a verbal abusive relationship, they have been married 20+ years and have 4 daughters.

Well, after years of getting up the courage, she left him yesterday and was excited/nervous about getting out... until today.

I've tried to be helpful and listen and advise, but I'm out of my element now and need some help.

This man is a seriously nasty piece of work. I suggest you read up on Narcissism, and also on Sociopathy. I think you will find a lot that is familiar.

I suggest also that you stop worrying about what everybody else thinks. If you know the truth, then that is enough. And it will set both you, and your wife's friend, free.

How can you say that 'everybody' believes this man? And if they do, you need to stand up, loud and clear, and support your wife and her friend, and offer your emotional protection to them both. His suggestion that they are gay is ludicrous and intended to be insulting and vicious. Speak out and say so to your pastor. Fight lies with truth, and you cannot lose. Give in to the lies, and you will never win.

If this woman goes back, she knows what is ahead for her. I hope she finds the strength to resist, and to find safety for herself. If she returns, the chances are that abusive language will turn into violent behaviour. This man is never going to change and become the Mr Wonderful she thought she married. And if she needs extra strength, ask her to imagine one of her daughters married to this man, and considering returning. That will tell her what she needs to know.

And in case she is worried about God; He does not support abusive marriages. Nor would he condone returning a victim of spousal abuse to the marital home, while the perpetrator remains unrepentant, and is even spreading the circle of his abuse wider, to encompass more victims.

 

[Daisysqueaks]

I have nothing I can say since the previous two posters gave wonderful advice. I will be praying for her and you and your wife.

 

[Kathleen111]

Something I do is when I see abuse, I call it abuse, and when I see an abuser, I call him or her a wife/husband or child abuser. A bully is a bully all day. You'd be surprised how the kids will hang onto that. That not everyone plays the game. Most of the mothers will not get out, and their lives are so bad, that a lot of them develop sickness and diseases that are neglected and become fatal. That's on top of all the *accidents* and these guys are real good at laying traps for her to fall into. Constantly having boundaries violated, ceaseless criticisms, insults, strict controls so she is kept in a tizzy, confused, harried, and afraid, hungry, tired, lonely, and trapped. The cumulative effect is not good.

Battered spouse syndrome is where she loses any ability to make decisions for herself. Right down to what she thinks and how she feels will be governed by the abuser. Outside intervention becomes the only hope of her or the kids getting out. Most of the time that doesn't happen until one of them are dead, and most of the time he gets away with it. Even when he deprived her of medical assistance and treatment, showing gross wanton disregard. When she dies of ulcers, heart attack, excessive lack of sleep, malnutrition, and starvation. It's sick stuff, and funding has been cut so there is little chance of professional help coming. The kids usually wind up farmed out the next day after the funeral. Most of those kids wind up dead, in prison, or under psychiatric care by aged 25 in that order. They suffer from a whole host of maladies from watching a parent be tortured to death over a long period time. Including alcohol, drug abuse, eating and sleeping disorders, for the rest of their miserable lives if they have no hope for humanity. Calling wrong, wrong helps to keep these kids sane and believing there is a safe place with safe people who aren't tortured to death somewhere. It's very important that they see an act of humanity, for humanity.

 

[FaithfullyLovingHim]

She needs to make her own decisions on this one...Pray for her..that she might see through this mans anger and choose to get him help or find a way out of this bad relationship

 

[bertie]

If you canget it there is a book called The Betrayal Bond that will be a strength to you in making and keeping to the decisions nessessary to deal with this problem.Its a quick read and has succinct alternatives.I also agree that getting this thing in the open is the best way to go.It takes the power out of the abusers secrecy.My spouse was two utterly different people when we were alone to when others were watching even casually.The trick is to be able to get others to see this abuse for what it is and the abuser for what he is.Believe me the abuser will go to any length, to make the victum the culprit in the eyes of the world.A normal person is no match alone for these types of monsters.the more help the better.And even then the manipulation of others can be so cunning a that a loving spouse no matter how done with the relationship they may be ,will get sucked back into a repeat performance that goes on for more lost years of misery and loneliness.The real heartbreak is the fact that the abusers are a product of the same thing they do to others.and are links in a chian of abuse that predates their existance.The sins of the fathers (and mothers)indeed.I lived this for nearly 35 yrs and it is a deadly trap for a christian.The Lord delivered me but it took a mighty doing on his part and nearly cost me my life in more than one way.I thank God every day for my freedom even tho even now i love my ex and pray that the Lord will move in her life.I could never go back......and you must somehow show this lady that the cycle for her too will never end.If she trys to keep on it will just repeat.surrounding oneself with loving caring people is a shield against returning to abuse.Constructive work on ones own life and goals is also a help.Avoid depression by keeping active thats for sure.but above all things whan the decision is made to split,make a clean break and stick to prethought out guideliness.In the long run it is better for every one.The one caution i cant stress enough is that if you are a normally nice person, that puts you at the mercy of such a one as this as they have no morals, no conscience, no remorse,no scruples.They will say anything, do anthing suffer most anything,to get the resullt they want in any given situation.They aRE UNDER CONSTRAINT OF NO LOYALTY, SENSE OF HONOUR NO DECENCY NOTHING!They will use any and all of wahtever they may bring against you.It means nothing to them.You alone are no match for the array of people they will marshall against you from cops to your pops.dont forget this for a moment.You think you are involved in a small part of your life with this problem but the abuser works full time on destrying every avenue of support for the victum.Also,there is the danger that abusers will get more and more bizare till they ultimately may attempt to take a life,or just go too far by accident.

 

[CoolMom6]

I just want to comment on how each and evry one of these wonderful people are dead right-on with their observations and advice. I married one of those sociopaths/narcisists and he was so darn good at fooling me to believe that he was a man of God. He has "everyone" fooled, also, to the point of the church we went to believing I was fooling around with all his friends, and abusing my children. It was so sick and twisted that I began to feel I was going crazy. It stopped when he hurt my child and me, and I called police. But, now I have to send my small child to his home and I'm distraught. Calling on the Name of the LOrd to protect her and keep her from his evil doing.

You may be the only one who can "see" what is really going on. I wish I had more friends like you when I needed them. Just let God and His wisdom lead you, and you will be His LIGHT and TRUTH.

Thank you for listening.