need serious help...

[light_eclipseca]

Okay, this is a little awkward for me. I don't really want people to know this but sometimes I feel like I will die if I no one will help. I feel like no one can love me and that no one does love me; I think this is because of what happened to me when I was younger. I feel I want pity, but on the other hand that is kind of pathetic. I wanted to go to a pastor to talk about it, but everytime I get an appointment I come up with something else to talk about. I never come out to my pastor with what is really on my mind. I wish I could go to a therapist but I cannot afford one. Anyone who knows me thinks I'm perfectly fine. They think that I have my life together.

I was involved in sexual promiscuity when in high-school and after. I know that it was because I felt like I had no control in my life due to what happened when I was little. My mom looked at me in shame when I told her, and she told me that it is a lot harder for girls to get over that, than guys. At the time I didn't know what to think. I was just like, man, women always think that guys are the bad ones. That every thing is our fault. When I told her that, she understood. But I can't get what she said out of my head. I'm in the middle of a transition right now so maybe the stress is triggerring some emotions inside of me, and I don't know in my heart if it was my fault or not. They say things like this aren't our faults. I feel like I could have done something to stop what happened to me when I was little. It happened for about 5-6 years. I cried every night because of it. It was one of my family. I don't know. I feel like it is impossible for me to trust people that are in my life. I'm getting all of this out on here because no one here knows me.

I wonder if someone understands where I'm coming from at all? If you haven't gone through what I have, then I know you can still imagine what it must be like. I feel like I'm going to explode one day because all of this is piling up in me. It is like my memory is a copying machine and it keeps on making copies of dark things from my past and the paper keeps piling up until there isn't anymore more room in the mind. It is just full of my dark past. It is pushing out the goodness that I know I can be. I cry out to Jesus for help and I feel better, but later I feel like nothing has really happened. I feel just the same as before; it is only a mtter of time before I feel the same again. I study the Bible day and night hoping that I can just forget what happened. When I help someone who is like me I don't feel good about it. I feel like saying "welcome to the club" and when they feel better about themselves I think to myself "who do I go to for help?" I'm not going to go to my girlfriend; she doesn't need my baggage. I can't go to my parents; they think that a therapist can do better, especially when they can only be on the phone and I really haven't seen them for the past 3 years. I can't go to a therapist because I can't afford one. I don't talk to my pastor because I don't feel comfortable and when I try to I actually change the subject; then I feel so stupid afterwards for not saying anything. I wish someone would take me aside and tell me that they know how I feel. That they love me. That they care about my well being because of my past. That I'm a blessing.

I remember crying in the middle of the night just after this happened one night and my uncle came into the living room where he put me to sleep (my parents being on a missions trip) and told me to shut up and stop being a baby. He had no clue what was happening to me. I think that maybe this is why I have a hard time telling people face to face. I think they will reject me if I tell them.

I am so messed up...I don't know what I expect to hear form you folks out there. I just really need something.

It sounds so bad, I just want to go and get drunk or high or something even with no history of substance abuse. lol I honestly don't think I will, I'm just saying I wish I could forget these things the way some people do. I feel like crap.

 

[bostonlass]

First of all I am so very sorry for the pain you are going through. If it helps any, I have been there and yes stress can trigger old memories and feelings and it's perfectly natural, though aweful, for you to be going through this.

All I can share is what has helped me. First and foremost .... what you don't want to hear, is that you NEED to talk to another human being about this in person.Someone you can trust and who will love you unconditionally. Don't know if that's your pastor or not but it does help a lot to get this out in person. You took that first step by writing it down here on the net, but it still heals you twice as much as physically saying it. The way I did it was to "just do it". I cancelled many an appointment myself but eventually I just plowed ahead and did it.

Also, what helped me was to make a God box, because, like you, I felt like the memories were just flooding my mind and I was overwhelmed and really wanted to drink or drug it all away. What I did was to take an old shoe box and I cut a hole out of the top of it. I wrote down on a small sheet of paper each memory that I wanted to forget. After writing it down I closed my eyes and begged God to take it from me and I put it in the box. My box was sealed up with duct tape so I couldn't open it and I could feel as though it was now gone. This process took about a year and after that year I actually went to the ocean and put all of those slips of paper in the water scattered out. If you want you could put it all in a good quality shredder. Anything to make your mind think that you can never get it back.

I can't say that the memories never came back because they had but very very infrequently. When they do come I only do the necessities in my life and I spend the rest of the time pampering the little 8 year old girl inside of me.

Take care in knowing that Jesus is carrying you in the palm of His hand throughout all of this and that He will NEVER give you more than you can really handle.

 

[light_eclipseca]

Thank-you, bostonlass. So you probably know what I'm feeling like right now. It has never been this bad. I have been fine for the past while and then all of a sudden all these things started bombarding me; these thoughts and memories. I have been depressed this whole weekend and I didn't have anyone to talk to so I spilled on this thing.

Thank-you so much for your concern about me. I really appreciate it.

 

[lilymarie]

Hi Light,

I have been through sexual abuse as well and I didn't feel fully healed from it until, with the help of The Holy Spirit, I did a deep forgiving of those who hurt me. Now, that I have forgiven them... they have vanished from me.

Have you done a deep forgiving of them with Jesus' help?

I came to a realization about grace, that half our gift of grace from God is for ourselves to be forgiven for our transgressions through his son, Jesus Christ, the other half of grace is the great ability to forgive others.

And, that can only be done with God's help.

Have you forgiven the ones who hurt you fully and completely light, and have you fully forgiven yourself?

 

[light_eclipseca]

Hi Light,

I have been through sexual abuse as well and I didn't feel fully healed from it until, with the help of The Holy Spirit, I did a deep forgiving of those who hurt me. Now, that I have forgiven them... they have vanished from me.

Have you done a deep forgiving of them with Jesus' help?

I came to a realization about grace, that half our gift of grace from God is for ourselves to be forgiven for our transgressions through his son, Jesus Christ, the other half of grace is the great ability to forgive others.

And, that can only be done with God's help.

Have you forgiven the ones who hurt you fully and completely light, and have you fully forgiven yourself?

I think that I would say that I have fully forgiven them. But I still sometimes feel like I haven't forgiven myself. There are times that I feel like I could have done something about it, and that means that it was my own fault that it happened to me. I know we are not to blame ourselves, but I feel that I am the exception because I could have possibly done something. On the other hand I was really scared to tell a grownup because I thought that I was sinning by letting this stuff happen. It is really complicated, but for some reason I only feel bad when something triggers these things. I was watching a movie with my friends and it showed a somewhat violent sex scene and that's when I needed to leave. They were wondering what was wrong with me, and my friend actually told me that I was immature and I didn't know what was wrong with me too. This happened once before when I watched another movie with a disturbing scene like that. (these scenes werent graphic they were very suggestive though). Everytime that I see something in a movie or on the news I can't help but get angry and frustrated and I go to my room to cry. But I'm cool the rest of the time. It's like certain things set me off.

 

[lilymarie]

I think that I would say that I have fully forgiven them. But I still sometimes feel like I haven't forgiven myself. There are times that I feel like I could have done something about it, and that means that it was my own fault that it happened to me. I know we are not to blame ourselves, but I feel that I am the exception because I could have possibly done something. On the other hand I was really scared to tell a grownup because I thought that I was sinning by letting this stuff happen. It is really complicated, but for some reason I only feel bad when something triggers these things. I was watching a movie with my friends and it showed a somewhat violent sex scene and that's when I needed to leave. They were wondering what was wrong with me, and my friend actually told me that I was immature and I didn't know what was wrong with me too. This happened once before when I watched another movie with a disturbing scene like that. (these scenes werent graphic they were very suggestive though). Everytime that I see something in a movie or on the news I can't help but get angry and frustrated and I go to my room to cry. But I'm cool the rest of the time. It's like certain things set me off.

There is nothing wrong with you in the first place, so try to take a deep breath with that and quiet that idea. Okay? You need to stop that line of thinking first.

Okay, on the surface of things, it sounds like you are suffering from post traumatic stress disorder. This happened to me. If often happens to rape victims and victims who have been through a war or some other horrific event.

And, post traumatic disorder is quite normal after enduring what you have endured. The surpressed feelings can be triggered by watching a movie or seeing something on TV.

This is something that CAN be overcome! You can do it, and you are NOT alone.

There is a book (I haven't read it myself) by a Christian women by the name of Joyce Meyer who is an overcomer of sexual abuse. The book is called "Beauty For Ashes". Go to her website, I think it is joycemeyer.org, and see if you can get a copy of the book.

Or call a local woman's organization for abused woman. I was able to go to a woman's abuse group for free. See if one is available in your area. There are many women who volunteer. Have you tried calling your local crisis hotline to get the info you might need for a support group?

The only way you are going to get well is to take the power back that someone stole from you. Your body belongs to you and Christ right now and no one else period until you are married. So NO ONE has the right to invade nor violate you in any way.

I'll stay with this thread to check in and see how you are doing.

You need to take your power back with Christ's help, and you need to forgive yourself, too! Many victims of molestation fall into promiscuity. It is not know why, but I have heard it can happen. It's almost perhaps like you are punishing yourself further?

You need to STOP punishing yourself! It wasn't your fault in the first place!

Can you get to a library and check out some self-help books on this subject for free and/or see if you can get help from a woman's shelter or group in your local area?

Praying for you in Jesus' name!



Check in with us all and let us know how things are progressing, but you have to want to be an overcomer! And, with God, you will. Peace to you sister.

 

[light_eclipseca]

.

 

[light_eclipseca]

There is nothing wrong with you in the first place, so try to take a deep breath with that and quiet that idea. Okay? You need to stop that line of thinking first.

Okay, on the surface of things, it sounds like you are suffering from post traumatic stress disorder. This happened to me. If often happens to rape victims and victims who have been through a war or some other horrific event.

And, post traumatic disorder is quite normal after enduring what you have endured. The surpressed feelings can be triggered by watching a movie or seeing something on TV.

This is something that CAN be overcome! You can do it, and you are NOT alone.

There is a book (I haven't read it myself) by a Christian women by the name of Joyce Meyer who is an overcomer of sexual abuse. The book is called "Beauty For Ashes". Go to her website, I think it is joycemeyer.org, and see if you can get a copy of the book.

Or call a local woman's organization for abused woman. I was able to go to a woman's abuse group for free. See if one is available in your area. There are many women who volunteer. Have you tried calling your local crisis hotline to get the info you might need for a support group?

The only way you are going to get well is to take the power back that someone stole from you. Your body belongs to you and Christ right now and no one else period until you are married. So NO ONE has the right to invade nor violate you in any way.

I'll stay with this thread to check in and see how you are doing.

You need to take your power back with Christ's help, and you need to forgive yourself, too! Many victims of molestation fall into promiscuity. It is not know why, but I have heard it can happen. It's almost perhaps like you are punishing yourself further?

You need to STOP punishing yourself! It wasn't your fault in the first place!

Can you get to a library and check out some self-help books on this subject for free and/or see if you can get help from a woman's shelter or group in your local area?

Praying for you in Jesus' name!



Check in with us all and let us know how things are progressing, but you have to want to be an overcomer! And, with God, you will. Peace to you sister.

okay, this is a little embarassing. I'm a brother, not a sister. lol. But do they have groups like that for guys?

thanks for your prayers

 

[lilymarie]

okay, this is a little embarassing. I'm a brother, not a sister. lol. But do they have groups like that for guys?

thanks for your prayers

Sorry brother! I need to pay attention to the icons at the top of the page more!

Interesting question, you ask, regarding groups for men?

This type of abuse is so much more wipespread in the female population, and, also, myself being a woman, I only know of my experience with the free support groups, etc.

I would have to venture to say, it would and/or could might depend on your immediate environment of where you live. If you are near a large enough city, I would assume there must be some programs available to you.

Also, you may want to check your library regarding books. You could possibly slip the librarian a quiet note and see if he or she could help you find the correct section of books.

Also, light, have you tried doing an internet search? Such as typing in 'how to overcome molestation' in your search box to see what web information you can find?

 

[lilymarie]

Here is a book for both men and women to overcome the aftermath of molestation.

Here is a link to the book I found, click on the link and see if you might like to perhaps check your local library so you can read it.

Click on this link

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0804105855/ref=pd_sim_b_5/102-4957906-6946550?%5Fencoding=UTF8&v=glance&n=283155

 

[Protinus]

I think that I would say that I have fully forgiven them. But I still sometimes feel like I haven't forgiven myself. There are times that I feel like I could have done something about it, and that means that it was my own fault that it happened to me. I know we are not to blame ourselves, but I feel that I am the exception because I could have possibly done something. On the other hand I was really scared to tell a grownup because I thought that I was sinning by letting this stuff happen. It is really complicated, but for some reason I only feel bad when something triggers these things. I was watching a movie with my friends and it showed a somewhat violent sex scene and that's when I needed to leave. They were wondering what was wrong with me, and my friend actually told me that I was immature and I didn't know what was wrong with me too. This happened once before when I watched another movie with a disturbing scene like that. (these scenes werent graphic they were very suggestive though). Everytime that I see something in a movie or on the news I can't help but get angry and frustrated and I go to my room to cry. But I'm cool the rest of the time. It's like certain things set me off.

I am so sorry that you are suffering this way. You are so expressive in a very natural way. It would help us to know you here and to perhaps help. WE are invested in you btw at this point and there is no way out!! j/k

Your faith will serve you as we help you with maintaining that faith. Your service will be a testimony and declaration for yourself: This will not happen to other people. We can help.

 

[lilymarie]

Yes, we are here to listen and help in your recovery.

A big step IS forgiving yourself!

As far as my saying this seems to be more prevelant in the female population... well, I think that may only be due to the fact that women are able to talk about this much easier than a man.

I am sure there would be more support groups available to men, if men were as able of talking about it as women are.

I am glad you came to the group to discuss your issues and how this has effected your life.

You definately need to forgive yourself, know that you are forgiven; stop punishing yourself, and be very pro-active in your recovery in asking for strength from God as well as seeking help from those who understand.

 

[bostonlass]

Thank-you, bostonlass. So you probably know what I'm feeling like right now. It has never been this bad. I have been fine for the past while and then all of a sudden all these things started bombarding me; these thoughts and memories. I have been depressed this whole weekend and I didn't have anyone to talk to so I spilled on this thing.

I can totally relate. I will even go more than a year or two without even harboring a light thought about it and then whammo...it hits me like a ton of bricks and I'm depressed and scared and a wee little one again who just wants to pull the covers up over her head.

It's a definite process and all I can offer is my strength and my hope that this too shall pass. To everything there is a beginning, a middle and an end. You're probably at this point towards the end of the middle and soon will be at the end of this wave. I call them "flare ups" myself. Who knows what triggers them. For me it could be reading a book that suggests such a thing, or a nightmare or a movie, or just watching a little girl with her dad. All I know is that when it hits I need to recognize that I need to mother myself like nobody's business and take some extra time for me. I treat it like I have the flu...with lots of tlc.


As far as blaming yourself, I totally do that too. I remember going through some therapy at one point and remembering everything outloud to my therapist and when I was done she told me that I was crying because I felt bad for him.......I felt bad that he was crying!!! Kids are so very protective of grownups that took care of us.

I still blame myself sometimes subconciously but I know deep down that it wasn't my fault. I don't know if I'll ever get over that but maybe some day. It's a marathon, not a sprint.....or something like that.

Just keep putting God first, know that He loves you and that He sees you as a treasure. I look upon my suffering as a blessing because it brings me closer to Him, whereas people who have never suffered might never share the pain that He felt on that cross.

 

[Johnnz]

It is very common for an abused person to feel guilty in a some way. Most times, and certainly at a young age, it can be virtually imposible to do that much for many reasons.

As for help. Some pastors are great, but many are out of their depth in really dealing with sexual abuse. Would your church pay for some counselling from an experienced counsellor? That could be very helpful for you.

Sexual abuse also sets many women up for promiscuity later. You will need someone who can give you some insights about this and how to deal with it.

John
NZ

 

[light_eclipseca]

Thank-you all for your input and ideas! I am in the process of moving right now, so I will have to find a support group or something like that when I do move. Most of all I wanted to thank you for the love that you are showing me. Sometimes I wonder if people actually care about others, and especially about me; but I believe that is just a mind game the devil tries to play with me or that we play on ourselves for some reason. Thank-you for your support. I will let you know what is going on concerning this in the future. I think I'm going to get that book lilymarie suggested. It seems like it is good from the preview I saw on amazon.

 

[light_eclipseca]

Okay, lol...what a time for this to happen. I just found out that an older friend of mine is gay. He just came on to me. Tried to kiss me and hold me. Friggin' why did this have to happen right now?!

So I froze at first but pushed him away before he actually did what he was aiming to do. Pray for me folks, I don't know why this happened at this time while I'm trying to work through this abuse issue. I kind of ignored him for the rest of the time he was at the bookstore I work at. Is it right for me to just ignore him? We aren't close friends, but on the other side of things I know these types of people need the Lord, too, and I don't know how good of a witness it would be to avoid him because of this.

 

[Protinus]

Okay, lol...what a time for this to happen. I just found out that an older friend of mine is gay. He just came on to me. Tried to kiss me and hold me. Friggin' why did this have to happen right now?!

So I froze at first but pushed him away before he actually did what he was aiming to do. Pray for me folks, I don't know why this happened at this time while I'm trying to work through this abuse issue. I kind of ignored him for the rest of the time he was at the bookstore I work at. Is it right for me to just ignore him? We aren't close friends, but on the other side of things I know these types of people need the Lord, too, and I don't know how good of a witness it would be to avoid him because of this.

I think you should be very clear about the friendship that you have with him and lay down the rules. I lost a friend like this and I embarrassed him and made him feel badly...I regret those actions. You can do it...but be up front with him. You have to take care of yourself too and it will do you good to face him with without feeling guilty.

 

[Mr.Cheese]

Hey bro.
I think males get swept aside too often regarding sexual abuse because it is less frequent with them, so it's good to see you here and see people responding to you.

 

[AngeliaTurner]

I am in the same situation as you. It seems like for a while I will be fine and my past does not bother me but something will trigger all the old memories and I slip back into depression. I am fighting depression now and it is causing a strain on my marriage. I was molested when I was a young child and then I was also raped at the age 14. I have always really had trouble with trusting people since my horrible nightmare began. It is hard to even talk to my husband about things that happened to me because I feel ashamed and scared that he will not love me anymore. I will be praying for you.