Need Love Advice...

[CoolShadow]

So I need some advice. There's a girl I know from college that is really great. We had been friends for a few years until we both hit it off last semester and have since lovingly grown together emotionally, intellectually, physically, and spiritually. However, this relationship has been more of a fling in definition. I'm ready to take the relationship to the level of courtship to see how compatible we might be in the long run and to see if this is where God wants us to be. But, she doesn't want to commit to anything exclusive because of another guy...
Now they're not together and they hadn't been together for some time when her and I started getting close. It's a situation where he went off to the navy and they didn't live in vicinity of each other in the first place. So it wasn't a breakup because of differences as much as it was a breakup of convenience and I'm sure both of them had expectations that they'd eventually be back together. None of us knew that she and I would begin having feelings for each other and if I had really known that strong feelings still existed between the two of them I'd have kept myself at bay. But I've come into the picture and the girl and I really feel close to each other, but she doesn't feel like she could completely give into a devoted relationship because she is not over the navy guy. She had been in relationships before but the relationship with this guy was the first one that made her think "this could be the one."
How do I deal with this situation? What should I tell her when she wants advice? We've been praying to God, how do you know when you hear him?

 

[Icystwolf]

She had been in relationships before but the relationship with this guy was the first one that made her think "this could be the one."
How do I deal with this situation? What should I tell her when she wants advice? We've been praying to God, how do you know when you hear him?

First of all, hearing God is hard. It's like doing kung fu, you can't go to one lesson and expect to be a master. You need to train to hear God.

As for your situation, I don't know how to help you. In one sense, if I joined the army, and all of a sudden my gf leaves me for not being their for her....I would get annoyed and my temper would flare, because my immediate assumption is that the guy she's going with has manipulated her...even though that might not be true.

It ultimately depends on the whole situation, it's better that if theres any chance talk with the navy personel, and talk about the girl to him in a good way.

But currently your in a tricky situation that any pins that fall could tip the balance.

Just becareful...ok?

 

[KeepTheFaith15]

First im giving you big props for being their with her and for her and praying with her, guys here is someone tells them theirs another guy they'd be like forget you but for you to humble yourself and be selfless like that i give you big credit. I think what yall are doing the praying and giving her advice is great sounds like shes just natuarally and honestly confused and the way i hear God isnt a voice its feelings like when im just chillin and someone like just pops into my head i know its for a reason ya know so i just ive started when someones name pops into my head ive started to just pray and be like i dunno why God but youve put them on my heart and mind to pray for so whatever is gpoing on i just pray for your hand in their situation. everyone hears God in different ways i promise you it will go exactly how God wants it to if you both have faith in yourselfs and the relationship and most important your faith in God. Good Luck

 

[DaveKerwin]

She is emotionally attached to the navy guy, which is a long process to move past. I have encountered endless numbers of women who have the same type of emotional attachment. I was turned down for dates many times because of that. What a bummer. Some guy is ruining my chances!

Anyways, she needs to realize that another man can love her as much, or more. I did my best to care for a girl that I really wanted to date. At first, it didn't seem like it would happen. But I showed her what a real man was like, and after a few months, she saw what she really wanted. She wanted me, not him. So what I have to say is this: If you are crazy about this woman, I mean crazy... then persue her. Don't push boundaries, but persue her. Show her what kind of man you are. Don't force it, but be natural. If you are what she is looking for, she will realize that before long. It is difficult to be patient, and at the same time difficult to be forthright. It is easy to sit back for too long, and it is equally to easy too move to quickly. If she is someone you are wild about, don't let her go, show her who you are.

 

[ZiSunka]

If her heart is even slightly with another guy, she is not free to start a serious relationship with you. You want your wife to be yours exclusively, not yours except when she is thinking about him.

If you are going to have a happy life together, her heart has to be completely free to love you. Until then, courtship is out of the question.

 

[CoolShadow]

Icystwolf: Great analogy on hearing God's voice... thanks for the good advice.

KeepTheFaith15: Thanks for the big props, big credit, and good advice.

DaveKerwin: I like how you handle things. Thanks for the good advice.

lambslove: I agree. Thanks for the good advice.

 

[psycmajor]

I'm liking what everyone says, with one exception.
=====
Dave Kerwin, with all due respect, I completely disagree with you. And I feel very strongly about this topic, I might add.

It sounds like what you're saying is that the female's decision is wrong if it's not *for* the person with the crush on her.

To me, what you're saying is that the female cannot make a decision for herself. And of course, I believe women are perfectly capable of deciding what man is right for them. In my opinion, you're saying that a woman can be manipulated into believing that YOU are the one for her, even if she supposedly doesn't realize it. And unless a man gets a passive and/or naive woman, that is not true. I know it wouldn't work for me, that's for sure. I keep getting images in head of some guy pounding his fist on a table and saying, "You WILL love ME! You WILL love ME!!! Of course you cannot think for yourself! You're going to do what I tell you to do, and that's the end of the story!"

Frankly, I DON'T see how what you appear to be promoting is NOT about "pushing boundaries" and "being forceful." Because to me, that's EXACTLY what that behavior is!

You say you showed that woman that you were a "real" man is. I think you're saying, 'Look at me. I was able to get her to do what I wanted, and I'm proud of that.' That's my interpretation, anyway. Personally, I think it's incredibly selfish to assume that one can manipulate a woman's feelings in that manner. It sounds like you're encouraging someone (namely, CoolShadow) to totally throw a woman's interests to the wind for the sake of GETTING WITH THAT WOMAN, regardless of what is happening in her life already. That's not being a man; that's attempting to control another human being. Just the thought of "men" doing that irritates me.

Any "man" with the mindset that he can push me around and "persuade" me that he is for me all the while disregarding my feelings and interests will get the door slammed in his face so fast, he won't know what hit him. I don't need anyone to decide what is right for me.

[[[[****FOR THE FULL STORY, READ THE REST OF THE THREAD, PLEASE.****]]]]

 

[Donny_B]

I think that she will go back to the navy man eventually, and that in the meantime you are simply using one another. I agree that a relationship can't be forced. The right relationship will come together naturally.

Also, keep in mind that college life is totally different from the real world.

 

[psycmajor]

CoolShadow,

If you'd like, can you share with us what you believe a healthy romantic relationship is? How closely to that image of a "healthy" relationship do you conform to?

You told me via PM that she might be "the one." What is it about her that makes you think that's so?

 

[CoolShadow]

CoolShadow,

If you'd like, can you share with us what you believe a healthy romantic relationship is? How closely to that image of a "healthy" relationship do you conform to?

You told me via PM that she might be "the one." What is it about her that makes you think that's so?

A Healthy Romantic Relationship to me: A relationship in which both persons connect and grow together Intellectually, Emotionally, Physically, and Spiritually. The most important of those being the connection of the spirit with Christ. The relationship must be centered around God and must be seeking to grow with Him, not only together, but individually as well.

In my relationships my goal is to respect the person that I am with. Respect is very important to me. Seeking to grow together within those "healthy" ideals shows respect. Granted, I slip up sometimes and don't do everything that I should to strive toward this, but with God's help I try to correct what gets messed up.

I don't know for certain that this girl is the one that God has chosen for me, but I know that I feel very strongly for her. I have had long, serious relationships in the past where feelings were strong there also, but this one seems different. Here, this girl seems compatible to the point of being made for me.... And I feel like I have grown more in my walk with God than I have ever in my whole life. She has been an inspiration in my relationship with God and even if we don't end up together I will be thankful for that alone, not to mention the great friend that I would have made. Somehow, it just seems like something inside of me is telling me to pursue her; although this situation kinda puts that option to rest...

 

[wvmtnkid]

Here is the advice coming from a girl much like the girl in your situation.

I was in deep like (not quite love) with a fellow. He lived away from me. Due to unforeseable circumstances, the relationship did not work out. In the meantime, I meant another guy, he was a really great guy. I enjoyed his friendship and really genuinely grew to care for him. However, because of my feelings for guy #1, I could not, in good conscience, allow things to go further than friendship with guy #2 until I got over my feelings for guy #1. It wasn't easy because I cared for both of them, just in different ways. But, I discovered being honest with guy #2 about how I was feeling made all the difference in the world. I was lucky that he was willing to let me work through those feelings and not push me into something I wasn't ready for. Unfortunately, this isn't the movies, and guy #2 never became more than a friend. But, I now consider him a great friend and wouldn't trade that friendship for anything in the world.

My advice is to let them figure out what their feelings are for each other. If you try to force an issue with her, it will only confuse matters more and make her decision even tougher. Absence doesn't always make the heart grow fonder and there may not be any common bond between them now, but give them time to discover that. If she is the one, she will be worth the wait. And it will be worth knowing that you have all of her heart, not always wondering if you do.

 

[ZiSunka]

A Healthy Romantic Relationship to me: A relationship in which both persons connect and grow together Intellectually, Emotionally, Physically, and Spiritually. The most important of those being the connection of the spirit with Christ. The relationship must be centered around God and must be seeking to grow with Him, not only together, but individually as well.

In my relationships my goal is to respect the person that I am with. Respect is very important to me. Seeking to grow together within those "healthy" ideals shows respect. Granted, I slip up sometimes and don't do everything that I should to strive toward this, but with God's help I try to correct what gets messed up.

BRAVO!!! This is the most brilliant definition of a healthy romantic relationship that I have ever encountered!

I'm printing this one out as a reminder!

 

[DaveKerwin]

I'm liking what everyone says, with one exception.
=====
Dave Kerwin, with all due respect, I completely disagree with you. And I feel very strongly about this topic, I might add.

It sounds like what you're saying is that the female's decision is wrong if it's not *for* the person with the crush on her.

To me, what you're saying is that the female cannot make a decision for herself. And of course, I believe women are perfectly capable of deciding what man is right for them. In my opinion, you're saying that a woman can be manipulated into believing that YOU are the one for her, even if she supposedly doesn't realize it. And unless you get a passive and/or naive woman, that is not true. I know it wouldn't work for me, that's for sure. I keep getting images in head of some guy pounding his fist on a table and saying, "You WILL love ME! You WILL love ME!!! Of course you cannot think for yourself! You're going to do what I tell you to do, and that's the end of the story!"

Frankly, I DON'T see how your attitude is NOT about "pushing boundaries" and "being forceful." Because to me, that's EXACTLY what that behavior is!

You say you showed that woman that you were a "real" man is. I think you're saying, 'Look at me. I was able to get her to do what I wanted, and I'm proud of that.' Personally, I think it's incredibly selfish to assume that you can manipulate a woman's feelings in that manner. It sounds like you're encouraging someone (namely, CoolShadow) to totally throw a woman's interests to the wind for the sake of GETTING WITH THAT WOMAN, regardless of what is happening in her life already. How selfish. That's not being a man; that's attempting to control another human being. Just the thought of "men" doing that irritates me.

Any "man" with the mindset that he can push me around and "persuade" me that he is for me all the while disregarding my feelings and interests will get the door slammed in his face so fast, he won't know what hit him. I don't need anyone to decide what is right for me.

WHOA there, you have made a lot of assumptions, and you do not understand what I am saying at all.

Let's face it, the navy guy is a dead end, it will never work. She is only hung on him because of an emotional attachment. She probably think that she cannot love another. Maybe there was physicalness in that past relationship, and she may feel that she HAS to be wtih him because of it. There can be anything at work here. But this is not the point.

CoolShadow wants this woman. I say go for it. Win her heart! If you are what she is looking for, then she will see it. That is what I am saying. Show her who you are, what kind of man you are, and if there is something there, she will see it. Don't let the navy guy have anything over you. I understand the concern about her feelings for this other man, which is why I said don't move too quickly. Trust me, I know ALL about this.

On the contrary, I showed my girlfriend what a real man was. She dated a bunch of little boys. I have cared for her like no one ever has. I did not trick her into anything. As a matter of fact, she was all about it after she got to know me better. There was no trickery involved. (You can ask her yourself, send a PM to Marlena) Your accusations of manipulation are false, and I am offended at your assumptions. This is not some male power trip to keep the woman down, this is going after what you want, and not letting some chump sailor boy stop you.

CoolShadow, go for it man. If you know she is what you want, don't let some other guy stop you!

 

[wvmtnkid]

MOD HAT ON

Just a little pro-active moderating before things get carried away here. I left psycmajor's post because even though I didn't take dave's original post the way psyc took it, I thought maybe others had and I wanted to give dave a chance to explain. Now dave has. So just keep things cool before tempers flare. Just a little reminder. And please, no name calling, especially for Mr. Navy Guy, who isn't here to defend himself. Thanks!

Now, back to the discussion at hand.....

MOD HAT OFF

 

[Warrior Poet]

I think for once I fully agree with Dave, good stuff man. I think it is far from manipulation, more like revealtion, I have had many friends, girls, that were getting treated like dirt, and then i would tell them i did this or that and the are like "why cant so and so be more like that......" I think girls/women are fully capable of chosing but they can get blinded by things, guys can too, but i tends to happen to women more then men. When they see what a "real man" is, and how they should be treated, it then creates the option to make a choice. I think the key to what Dave said is "Win her heart" not "Take her heart". Coolshadow, you have a big decision to make, i know your heart you want one thing and in your mind you weigh the pros and cons, i say do your best to not get hurt over this, emotional attachment isnt a switch it just does get flipped on and off and, if it does for this girl maybe you should think twice about this one being a good choice to date, exclusivly Good luck my man.

Warrior Poet

 

[psycmajor]

Thanks, WVMtnKid, for thinking of that.

Dave, thanks for explaining. I suppose everyone interprets things differently, and what I wrote above is the interpretation that immediately came to my mind. And it is possible, like WVMtnKid said, that other people might interpret that advice the same way. I wanted the record set straight.

Maybe I've just come across too many rotten apples in my life. Maybe I assume rottenness too quickly . I err on the side of caution, I suppose.

 

[CoolShadow]

I want to make a clarification on an assumption for psycmajor, DaveKerwin, and Warrior Poet... The other guy in this picture isn't some jerk. I knew him and her when they were officially dating. I knew her well and he was a [few meetings type of] acquaintance. He's a good Christian guy that fully has my respect. He cares for this girl as much as I do I'm sure. You could almost say he's kinda in the same boat I am in a way (no Navy pun intended ;-). Now, I don't know this guy's personality all that well mind you... I do know he is naturally competitive and hot-tempered (everyone has their flaws, i have my own as well...) so he may be approaching the situation differently than what I choose. I don't seek to be a contest against this guy for the love and affection of a common girl. I am looking more for all of us to seek guidance from God so that he may choose our paths. It's just hard to figure out how to do that when so much emotion and strange circumstances are involved...

 

[psycmajor]

And I must say. I agree with lambslove--if she still has emotional attachment for the Navy guy, I think the best course of action is to not get involved. Don't actively pursue her. Sit back and wait for her to decide what's going to happen.

Personally, even though the feelings are there, I'm not sure if continued investment of yourself is worth the chance of heartbreak. The longer you hold on, the worse it'll be.

 

[ZiSunka]

You know, in the past when I was in relationships that I wasn't sure were in the best will of God, I prayed that if it wasn't His best will, He should take it away from me. And God never, ever let me down. He preserved relationships that were good for me, and broke up relationships that were bad for me. If only I had accepted His yeses and noes, I'd probably be better off, but I usually struggled against His best will, even when I knew it was His best will, because I was afraid of being lonely.

Also, I've had guys pursue me before, and really, it just drove me away. Let it flow naturally because pressuring a relationship can smother it.

 

[Warrior Poet]

Well it sounds to me like we are back to square one huh?
I think we should all reread the origianl post.
In that case i say bow out, you are putting yourself in a spot that is setting you up for lots of stress, sounds like there is no persuing to do if you both like each other so much, but in my mind you are comming between her and the Navy man, she obviously feels more for this guy then you, not trying to be mean, or the decision would be made, BOW OUT, let God create the series of event to get your answer, to hear him. If and when she makes a choice and its you then you get to make yours wether all this was worth it, and if you want to be with her. As for giving advice, if its about what shirt looks best with the yellow skirt, give it, if its about feelings and emotions, keep it to yourself. Its her choice and by all physical means its outta your hands.
When you said became close physically are you referring to doing ummmm...."things" together or...........what?? Becomming physical puts a spin on this that i think has been over looked, it can create a false sense of emotion something that clouds thought and decisions.

Warrior Poet