Need Help

[Subaru17]

Hi,

I grew up in a faith that teaches/believes they are the only way to get to heaven, and that other Christians are empty or don't have the spirit...etc etc

I struggled with scrupulosity as an adolescent, dreaming of burning in hell or thinking bad thoughts about God, when I was 14-15 I thought I was the Anti-Christ.

I asked God to forgive me and said that I would be a preacher for this faith if he did.

When I graduated High School i asked God for signs if I had to be a preacher and none of my prayers were answered.

Lately (8 years later) It has been bother me again, I feel like I made a vow I have to keep to preach this faith that I don't believe in (for the most part)

I often say things like "God if I get a text message at the end of this prayer, when i say "NOW" then I will be a preacher and I wont ask again, If I don't I don't have to be a preacher. Some times I do this 20ish times a day.

I do this over and over to relieve the anxiety I guess?

One time It did happen.

Which put me into a downward spiral...

Today I prayed, "If i see a School Bus at a certain intersection on the way to school then I have to be a preacher" I didn't see it.

Then on the way back from work I thought "This is God telling you to pray that again" So I did " I said if the first vehicle I see is a bus then I will be a preacher for that faith and I won't ask again" I didn't see a bus first it was 2nd, but when I saw the first car I wasn't all the way to the intersection so maybe that doesn't count?

Maybe I have to be a preacher.

To do that, to fullfill in my eyes my obligation I would have to

Break up with my girlfriend..never get married
Quit my job
Leave my family
Give up my decision making autonomy to the faith (God)
Believe or teach that this faith is the only true Christians

I'm hopeless and lost as ever.

Please help any advice would be good

I know these threads get a little old, I'm sorry

 

[rockytopva]

Smith Wigglesworth struggled as well...

 

[Tempura]

If you don't have a calling to be a preacher, which seems like you don't, there is no reason for you to force yourself to be one. What kind of a preacher would you even be?

If you make promises when you're young, foolish, lost or ill, do you think God is a monster who laughs at you for making such promises, watching you torment yourself with it?

Do you have OCD or something related to it, by any chance? Because that's what it sounds like. You aren't responsible for God's will. You can't put God's will into his mind with your own rules, fears, neurotic habits, weird tests or anything else of the sort. His will is His own. Don't be afraid, you don't have to be a preacher. I'm sure God understands troubled minds, illnesses and mistakes.

edit: Oh yeah, OCD forum, that clears it up. Just clicked to this thread from that sidebar.

 

[danstribe]

So sorry about your anxiety! I hope what I say helps in some way. The first thing I would do is stop asking God for signs and replace it with "Thank you God for giving Your Son!" If He wants you to be a preacher I think He will show you with a "quiet voice" read 1 Kings 19 about Elijah. God's Word is the only true teaching for Christians, read and study it and ask for His guidance, put what you read to practice and just wait for Him. God bless you and keep you!