N
newtothefaith
Guest
I dont know if this is the proper place to put this post, but the "courting couples" section is the only section that I could find relating to people who are dating. I really need some advice and lots of prayer over this, so if youre not into reading this entire thing (as it is quite lengthy), please just pray for myself and my girlfriend and our relationship.
Im going to describe my situation and problem the best way that I can. My girlfriend and I have been dating for a little over a year now. We are both sophomores in college, and we have been dating basically ever since college started (we met at college). Our relationship has been amazing. We have had our up times and down times, and we are both very emotional people, so dealing with issues is not something we are too good at, but we love each other very much, and being in a relationship with her is great. We fell in love very quickly, and after dating for a few months, I knew that this girl was the girl I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, and she felt the same way.
So our entire first year of dating was, for the most part, almost perfect. We would spend time together every day, I would always come see her after class, we would go out and do stuff, we were always together, we missed each other beyond words when we had to go back to our hometowns, and we just showed each other an amazing kind of love the we both craved. I truly felt like last year was amazing. My girlfriend was crazy about me, and I was crazy about her...I treated her like a princess, and committed myself to her, as she did to me. So the summer came and we had our time apart, and although I was not looking forward to being away from her, the summer ended up being a good time for our relationship. We really missed each other, but the times that we were together were incredible. And my girlfriend had told me before we left for summer that she felt like she needed a break from school, work, friends, everything, and I guess also the pressures of a relationship during school (cause its hard to be in school and be in a serious relationship), just so she could have some room to breathe for a few months, and I respected that. And I think she got that. Summer was not that bad.
So now we have come back to college, and we are starting our second year, and I really need some help. When we first got here, things seemed fine. They seemed like they had been the year before. I was so excited to be back with her, and she was excited to be with me. But over the past week or so, something seems to me like its changed. We had discussed before (even in our first year of dating), about the idea that maybe we were, in a sense, making each other our own "gods" or "idols", in the sense that, we look only to each other to make each other happy. I definitely do this more than her, even though Im not exactly sure why. And that is what the summer was going to be for (what I was referring to earlier as 'taking a break from the pressures of a relationship.) To have forced time away from each other, so that our hearts grow fonder, and that we both have time to pursue other things. But the other day, we had a bit of a breakdown.
My girlfriend and I have realized that we are at completely different stages in our lives. I, am ready for the commitment of marriage. I KNOW that I want to marry my girlfriend, and shes KNOWS that she wants to marry me, but Im ready for that now (although Im in no way suggesting or asking her to marry me right now. Im simply stating, im at that stage in my life.) Im ready to settle down and be married and have a job. She on the other hand, is not ready. During highschool, she was in alot of relationships (I was not), and she was planning on having college to be a time to be independent, and develop her own identity. Well we fell in love as soon as college started, and although it was the best thing that had ever happened to either of us, she is now feeling some different feelings about some things.
My girlfriend feels like she has no self image. She feels like the only image she has is the image of "me and her". I believe she feels suffocated, because of how, last year, we spent almost every waking second together. It just seemed like a given that if either of us had any spare time, we were going to spend it together. (And I realize that this suffocation feeling she is feeling is my fault, because I was selfish with her time, and I was relying on her completely to make me happy, and I am really working on changing that). She also feels like, although we are not really married yet, that we interact and act just like a married couple. We spend all our time together, do everything together, talk often about our marriage, dont really have alot of friends outside of each other, etc...and she wants to be able to develop that self image and not feel like she is already "married", because we are not married yet. We still do want to marry each other, she just dont want to feel like we already are during this time, this time where we are in college, while she can develop her own self image.
So we discussed this the other night, and we decided on a few things. I told her that beyond anything else, I want her to be happy. And that is what I care about the most. So I told her from now on , to make plans with other people, guys and girls, and go hang our with them and have a good time, and if we have time to see each other, than that would be great, but if a day or 2 goes by that we dont see each other, its alright. We decided that we were going to try to take a step back, as far as how seriously involved we are. My girlfriend still wants to be dating, but doesnt want to feel like we are married. So we decided to not spend every waking moment together, not do certain things together that married couples do (not sex, we are both virgins), because we realized that there will be a time for marriage, but that time is not now, and that we need to enjoy this "dating" time while we have it.
Although these things are not things that I particularly want to do, because I love my girlfriend so much and I want her to be happy, we decided we are going to do it. I just dont want the way we interact when we are together to change. I still want her to want to spend time with me, and to tell me how much she needs me and that she thinks Im thing most amazing guy in the world, and I still want our interaction to be intimate and as loving as it was last year, but I fear that it may not. And in a way, I feel like some small things and detials like that have already changed.
Im just so confused about this right now. I feel like Im doing the right thing by giving her her "space", and allowing us to grow, but I feel miserable. I wish things could be like they were last year when we were completely crazy about each other all the time. I want that attention from her, and I want to give it to her too. And I cant help but feel that this feeling of independence she craves, this self image she wants, this desire to do thing away from me, is the result of her not being "into me" as much anymore, even though she still tales me that Im the love of her life and that she wants me to marry her. I guess last year I felt like she meant that, and this year I just dont know, because she is acting differently.
I have decided that one way I can heal my pain and also learn to love my girlfriend in a better and more loving way is to make Jesus Christ my God and my idol, instead of her. I have realized that if I put my focus on Jesus Christ, and become selfless, I will be able to love her better. And I am making a strong effort to do this, but Im still hurting. My heart aches day by day. And im afraid to say something after this big change in our relationship because I dont want to make things worse. I just want her to love me, and to crave me, the way that I want and crave her. Im not saying that I dont want het to do things outside of our relationship, or not have other guys friend, or anything like that, I just want the feeling of being needed by her. And I dont know what to do. I dont know how to make myself happy in this situation. I always try to be the best guy I can for her, support her, be there for her, always have time for her, commit myself to her, give her things, treat her like a queen, but it seems to me for some reason, she isnt craving it as much as before.
Please dont get me wrong, this change has only happened in the past few days, so maybe its too early to come to these conclusions, but I have a strong concience, and I can usually tell things for how they are. I just love my girl friend, more than anything in the world, I would do anything for her, and I dont want to ever even have to consider making it through life without her. I want her to be happy, and I want to make her happy, but I need to be happy too. Please help me. Please pray for me.
Im going to describe my situation and problem the best way that I can. My girlfriend and I have been dating for a little over a year now. We are both sophomores in college, and we have been dating basically ever since college started (we met at college). Our relationship has been amazing. We have had our up times and down times, and we are both very emotional people, so dealing with issues is not something we are too good at, but we love each other very much, and being in a relationship with her is great. We fell in love very quickly, and after dating for a few months, I knew that this girl was the girl I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, and she felt the same way.
So our entire first year of dating was, for the most part, almost perfect. We would spend time together every day, I would always come see her after class, we would go out and do stuff, we were always together, we missed each other beyond words when we had to go back to our hometowns, and we just showed each other an amazing kind of love the we both craved. I truly felt like last year was amazing. My girlfriend was crazy about me, and I was crazy about her...I treated her like a princess, and committed myself to her, as she did to me. So the summer came and we had our time apart, and although I was not looking forward to being away from her, the summer ended up being a good time for our relationship. We really missed each other, but the times that we were together were incredible. And my girlfriend had told me before we left for summer that she felt like she needed a break from school, work, friends, everything, and I guess also the pressures of a relationship during school (cause its hard to be in school and be in a serious relationship), just so she could have some room to breathe for a few months, and I respected that. And I think she got that. Summer was not that bad.
So now we have come back to college, and we are starting our second year, and I really need some help. When we first got here, things seemed fine. They seemed like they had been the year before. I was so excited to be back with her, and she was excited to be with me. But over the past week or so, something seems to me like its changed. We had discussed before (even in our first year of dating), about the idea that maybe we were, in a sense, making each other our own "gods" or "idols", in the sense that, we look only to each other to make each other happy. I definitely do this more than her, even though Im not exactly sure why. And that is what the summer was going to be for (what I was referring to earlier as 'taking a break from the pressures of a relationship.) To have forced time away from each other, so that our hearts grow fonder, and that we both have time to pursue other things. But the other day, we had a bit of a breakdown.
My girlfriend and I have realized that we are at completely different stages in our lives. I, am ready for the commitment of marriage. I KNOW that I want to marry my girlfriend, and shes KNOWS that she wants to marry me, but Im ready for that now (although Im in no way suggesting or asking her to marry me right now. Im simply stating, im at that stage in my life.) Im ready to settle down and be married and have a job. She on the other hand, is not ready. During highschool, she was in alot of relationships (I was not), and she was planning on having college to be a time to be independent, and develop her own identity. Well we fell in love as soon as college started, and although it was the best thing that had ever happened to either of us, she is now feeling some different feelings about some things.
My girlfriend feels like she has no self image. She feels like the only image she has is the image of "me and her". I believe she feels suffocated, because of how, last year, we spent almost every waking second together. It just seemed like a given that if either of us had any spare time, we were going to spend it together. (And I realize that this suffocation feeling she is feeling is my fault, because I was selfish with her time, and I was relying on her completely to make me happy, and I am really working on changing that). She also feels like, although we are not really married yet, that we interact and act just like a married couple. We spend all our time together, do everything together, talk often about our marriage, dont really have alot of friends outside of each other, etc...and she wants to be able to develop that self image and not feel like she is already "married", because we are not married yet. We still do want to marry each other, she just dont want to feel like we already are during this time, this time where we are in college, while she can develop her own self image.
So we discussed this the other night, and we decided on a few things. I told her that beyond anything else, I want her to be happy. And that is what I care about the most. So I told her from now on , to make plans with other people, guys and girls, and go hang our with them and have a good time, and if we have time to see each other, than that would be great, but if a day or 2 goes by that we dont see each other, its alright. We decided that we were going to try to take a step back, as far as how seriously involved we are. My girlfriend still wants to be dating, but doesnt want to feel like we are married. So we decided to not spend every waking moment together, not do certain things together that married couples do (not sex, we are both virgins), because we realized that there will be a time for marriage, but that time is not now, and that we need to enjoy this "dating" time while we have it.
Although these things are not things that I particularly want to do, because I love my girlfriend so much and I want her to be happy, we decided we are going to do it. I just dont want the way we interact when we are together to change. I still want her to want to spend time with me, and to tell me how much she needs me and that she thinks Im thing most amazing guy in the world, and I still want our interaction to be intimate and as loving as it was last year, but I fear that it may not. And in a way, I feel like some small things and detials like that have already changed.
Im just so confused about this right now. I feel like Im doing the right thing by giving her her "space", and allowing us to grow, but I feel miserable. I wish things could be like they were last year when we were completely crazy about each other all the time. I want that attention from her, and I want to give it to her too. And I cant help but feel that this feeling of independence she craves, this self image she wants, this desire to do thing away from me, is the result of her not being "into me" as much anymore, even though she still tales me that Im the love of her life and that she wants me to marry her. I guess last year I felt like she meant that, and this year I just dont know, because she is acting differently.
I have decided that one way I can heal my pain and also learn to love my girlfriend in a better and more loving way is to make Jesus Christ my God and my idol, instead of her. I have realized that if I put my focus on Jesus Christ, and become selfless, I will be able to love her better. And I am making a strong effort to do this, but Im still hurting. My heart aches day by day. And im afraid to say something after this big change in our relationship because I dont want to make things worse. I just want her to love me, and to crave me, the way that I want and crave her. Im not saying that I dont want het to do things outside of our relationship, or not have other guys friend, or anything like that, I just want the feeling of being needed by her. And I dont know what to do. I dont know how to make myself happy in this situation. I always try to be the best guy I can for her, support her, be there for her, always have time for her, commit myself to her, give her things, treat her like a queen, but it seems to me for some reason, she isnt craving it as much as before.
Please dont get me wrong, this change has only happened in the past few days, so maybe its too early to come to these conclusions, but I have a strong concience, and I can usually tell things for how they are. I just love my girl friend, more than anything in the world, I would do anything for her, and I dont want to ever even have to consider making it through life without her. I want her to be happy, and I want to make her happy, but I need to be happy too. Please help me. Please pray for me.
