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need help please
- Thread starter crossbone2007
- Start date
CounselorForChrist
Senior Veteran
Well now that you seen my reaction how I feel. THe fact she is still doing is beyond disgusting. I mean seriously I am very nauseous. I always given lots of chances, but this is wrong on way to many levels. I'd find someone else. Not sure how you can forgive her considering shes still doing it. If she loved you she would stop.
Now the other side of me says rape victims often have issues with it. Sometimes they start to view it in weird ways. Such as they think being raped is what love is. Or maybe they just like it. By it I am referring to her now "often" sex with her brother. So maybe shes confused in her head. See if she would get counseling. If it helps her then thats great. If not and/or she doesn't want to go then tell her she needs to do it for you if she love you. If she doesn't then you know its time to move on.
All this aside are you sure shes a Christian? Does she realize sex before marriage is a sin? And that with your own sibling is a sin?
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Christopher M Nance
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- Jul 17, 2013
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Dood you better turn and walk away. That girl has deeper problems than you will ever be able to help her with. She has been working on these problems for years. Be realistic. You think she is gonna magically change overnight? Walk away man, walk away.
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CounselorForChrist
Senior Veteran
Well I promise to never leave someone either. Although unless I am married, I am not legally (well in Gods eyes) bound to have to stay with them if I found a reason to leave. In this case this reason is pretty clear. Even though she says she hasn't done it for a few months, theres really no way for her to prove it. For me even if she could I wouldn't be able to stop thinking on our honeymoon that what I am looking at has been used by her brother. Ugh. To creepy for me.
I'm sure God has someone better for you.
I'm sure God has someone better for you.
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I guess you are right. I'm not bound to her in any way you know. I don't know why i find it difficult to leave her. I guess I think about her so much that i forget about me. I hope that she change her life, she has a soul to save. It saddens me that I can't do anything about it. it's been 7 days now that's I've been thinking about this. why she does this i don't know. she had me believed in her...
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Crossbone,
My perspective while dating was that I wanted to marry a virgin. I was a virgin, too. I don't think it's wrong to not marry a girl because she's not a virgin.
Maybe she was raped by her brother at some point. Or maybe she calls it that because she was so young when they started doing these things. But apparently, she did stuff willingly after. If she was raped and left out the willful incest that happened later, that's big enough of a 'half-truth' to break up over. Oh yeah, that and the fact that she slept with her brother.
Just think about all the family reunions and holidays you have to look forward to if you married her. Imagine when you see her brother across the dinner table. Imagine her hugging her brother goodbye. Imagine if she goes off in the house somewhere where you don't know where she is, and the thought occurs to you that she might be doing something with her brother, and you go looking for her. Imagine if she gave birth to a baby that looked an awful lot like her family, but not at all like yours.
You don't want any part of that.
If you promised to never leave her, you can tell her you will still be there for her as a friend. Marriage is off the table, but you can still be friends. If you are a good influence, it will be as a friend, and you will have a relationship some day with another woman because you'd like to marry. Most women wouldn't hang out with you as friends, but you'd be doing your part since you offered to never leave her. And learn not to make any promises like that. If you aren't willing to actually marry a woman yet, why say stuff like that. Even if you are considering a woman for marriage, talk in terms of what you are looking for in 'my future wife' and not 'you' until it's settled that you are engaged and getting married.
Do you want to marry a woman who has slept, willfully, with her brother? If that's not an option for you, you shouldn't be dating her. She shouldn't be your girlfriend. Don't let the fact that she seems to be doing better emotionally or spiritually with you than before make you keep her as a girlfriend. Keep her as a friend if you must (or offer when you break up.) 'Missionary dating' is a bad idea in my opinion. Hook her up with an older woman who can instruct her in the faith. With her sexual past, she needs to be careful with young men who are romantically interested in you.
I know if you break up it will hurt you and her. I don't know about her, but my guess is that it will hurt you a lot less if you break it up and hurt now than if you let it continue and you get married. You could be in for a whole world of hurt then. And if you let the dating relationship continue on, usually the longer it goes on, the more it can hurt to break up. And if you know you aren't going to marry her, extending the time dating is wasting valuable time she could spend looking for a husband and you could spend looking for a wife. She may need to get 'fixed up' some before looking for a husband anyway.
My perspective while dating was that I wanted to marry a virgin. I was a virgin, too. I don't think it's wrong to not marry a girl because she's not a virgin.
Maybe she was raped by her brother at some point. Or maybe she calls it that because she was so young when they started doing these things. But apparently, she did stuff willingly after. If she was raped and left out the willful incest that happened later, that's big enough of a 'half-truth' to break up over. Oh yeah, that and the fact that she slept with her brother.
Just think about all the family reunions and holidays you have to look forward to if you married her. Imagine when you see her brother across the dinner table. Imagine her hugging her brother goodbye. Imagine if she goes off in the house somewhere where you don't know where she is, and the thought occurs to you that she might be doing something with her brother, and you go looking for her. Imagine if she gave birth to a baby that looked an awful lot like her family, but not at all like yours.
You don't want any part of that.
If you promised to never leave her, you can tell her you will still be there for her as a friend. Marriage is off the table, but you can still be friends. If you are a good influence, it will be as a friend, and you will have a relationship some day with another woman because you'd like to marry. Most women wouldn't hang out with you as friends, but you'd be doing your part since you offered to never leave her. And learn not to make any promises like that. If you aren't willing to actually marry a woman yet, why say stuff like that. Even if you are considering a woman for marriage, talk in terms of what you are looking for in 'my future wife' and not 'you' until it's settled that you are engaged and getting married.
Do you want to marry a woman who has slept, willfully, with her brother? If that's not an option for you, you shouldn't be dating her. She shouldn't be your girlfriend. Don't let the fact that she seems to be doing better emotionally or spiritually with you than before make you keep her as a girlfriend. Keep her as a friend if you must (or offer when you break up.) 'Missionary dating' is a bad idea in my opinion. Hook her up with an older woman who can instruct her in the faith. With her sexual past, she needs to be careful with young men who are romantically interested in you.
I know if you break up it will hurt you and her. I don't know about her, but my guess is that it will hurt you a lot less if you break it up and hurt now than if you let it continue and you get married. You could be in for a whole world of hurt then. And if you let the dating relationship continue on, usually the longer it goes on, the more it can hurt to break up. And if you know you aren't going to marry her, extending the time dating is wasting valuable time she could spend looking for a husband and you could spend looking for a wife. She may need to get 'fixed up' some before looking for a husband anyway.
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CounselorForChrist
Senior Veteran
I know this feeling when I did it. It was for many reasons I found it hard to leave. I would always say to myself "I'm sure she will change!" or "She really loves me though, I may not find someone else like her!". All this IMO is just the devil trying to keep from doing whats right and moving on. He rejoices in the fact we may choose someone that will mess up things.
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Thank you xfreakazoidx, that is exactly how I feel. For all the things we had together i'm afraid I'll never find them in someone else. I asked the same kind of questions you mention. I have all these ''WHAT IF..'' pop up in my mind. I'm now unsure of my future or if I'll ever find someone that i'm now 28 and was looking to be serious with her. Well, I'm probably going to end everything today and i know she is going to cry a river again.
School is coming so I'LL have something to focus on...
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CounselorForChrist
Senior Veteran
I'd like to add to that even despite the "what ifs", if your feeling like there are red flags then those may actually be God telling you "Stop what you are doing! I have someone better for you in store!". I was WAY to desperate trying to find someone. At 28 I just got left by a woman who was for sake of conversation....evil. But my desperation is what kept me around until she finally left me. Looking back I wish I had listened to the Gods red flags about her so I could have saved alot of heart break (and wasted time).
I met my wife in Nov 2011, we got married in March 2013. I am about to turn 32. It was a long time in finding my wife but it was worth it. The trials made me learn alot about things. And unlike with the past girls I had no red flags, no "what ifs" running through my head. If I were to tell myself in the past that the current woman in my life was so amazing I probably still wouldn't have believed it because at the time I was accepting anyone I could find really.
I met my wife in Nov 2011, we got married in March 2013. I am about to turn 32. It was a long time in finding my wife but it was worth it. The trials made me learn alot about things. And unlike with the past girls I had no red flags, no "what ifs" running through my head. If I were to tell myself in the past that the current woman in my life was so amazing I probably still wouldn't have believed it because at the time I was accepting anyone I could find really.
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I finally did it, boys it hurts. I don't know what is in store for me now. I don't think I'll never trust anyone anymore. I don't think i even deserve a good girl from God for how far we go. we didn't have real sex, like penetration and all but i'm so ashamed of myself. I was convinced I was going to marry her that is why we go so far. I sin against God, against the woman i'm going to marry if that will ever happen, against myself and against her too. May I find mercy before God for my sins. I'm willing to pay all the consequences.
thank you everyone for your help. If you find it in your heart to pray for her please do so. Don't worry about me
thank you everyone for your help. If you find it in your heart to pray for her please do so. Don't worry about me
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iambren
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Give yourself credit, YOU made the right choice to prevent a lot of evil things to happen down the road. And I WILL worry about you, you're my brother,and has not got it through his head---JESUS paid the consequences!
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CounselorForChrist
Senior Veteran
^Agreed^
As for any sexual sin you had with her, if you prayed and ask for forgiveness then you don't have to worry about it. Move on in life and don't mess up with the next woman you meet. Also don't lose your trust because of one woman, its person is a new start.
As for any sexual sin you had with her, if you prayed and ask for forgiveness then you don't have to worry about it. Move on in life and don't mess up with the next woman you meet. Also don't lose your trust because of one woman, its person is a new start.
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Lethe
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- Jul 14, 2011
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I'm not sure how someone is "with" a girl for a year and has only been with them twice. This is really confusing to me.
Probably the same reason she has found it difficult to break it off with her brother.
You might have better luck figuring out who to trust if you do that in person. Good luck.
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We are from different state, I've known her when I was a teen. I visited her twice this year, the first time was 5 days then the second time, 8 days together.
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