Need help, not sure where to turn

[~Anastasia~]

Or maybe I need to vent. I hope it doesn't come across that way.

I know every situation has two sides. So please forgive me if I see only my own too clearly.

I've been married 4-1/2 years, second marriage for me, first for him. Things have always been a little rocky probably due largely to the fact that I probably learned bad habits in my first marriage which was very long-term but not really healthy, and also we have some real differences in the way we communicate and relate that are hard to bridge.

There are just so many stressors. Money has always been tight, and I'm an extremely frugal person. We do have a little bit in the bank for the first time ever, and he's working (though he always feels his job is in danger, since he's in construction). I saw him spending money on several things that seemed a bit frivolous to me, several hundred dollars, and since we had some in the bank, I thought we'd be fine. I did some shopping with the Black Friday weekend sales, no more than he'd recently spent, for Christmas and the house (we also just moved).

Well, he got angry, called me irresponsible, and demanded my credit and debit cards. I'm back to have to asking him for gas for my car and money for groceries. I don't like being called these things - I'm still wearing the same pair of sandals from several years ago and some warm shoes would be nice for winter. I also am trying to clear up an eye infection without going to the doctor since I don't have insurance. I'm the one that does the taxes, compares insurance policies and utility companies, and handles all the "hard stuff" - and that's originally my personal bank account he just took my cards for. It just feels very insulting. He said he needed to "take control".

He also gave me an ultimatum to finish the bedroom within a week. As I said, we'd recently moved, and I have a kind of house-ADD where I tend to work in many rooms at once. I know it's not the best way to accomplish anything since it ends up looking like a mess everywhere, and suddenly comes together all at once. I can understand him feeling that way. But I have finished the kitchen and dining room, living room almost finished (I wanted to get that done first because I want to decorate for Christmas now). He spends most of his time alone in the bedroom though, so I will do that if it will make him happy. I can do it in less than 2 days. I just don't like being given ultimatums and having "my area" dictated.

One of the biggest problems is my daughter from a previous marriage. She is almost grown, and she was gone from me for the past 6 years because my ex took her and fled. I only just got her back this year, and she has been abused by her stepmother. I'm sure she's not perfect, but she's a great kid. She doesn't ask for much, doesn't stay out late, run with friends, drink or smoke or do drugs, makes good grades in school, doesn't sass. She doesn't always wash dishes right as she uses them, lets her room get a little messy, doesn't want to go to church, and likes to see her boyfriend once or twice a week (she hangs out with him and his family). But my husband feels that she and I disrespect him, that we somehow join together against him, and that she is secretly a bad kid and I'm missing it. I know mothers tend to be blind to their kids' faults, but he has a very dark opinion of her and I honestly don't know where it's coming from.

He tend to be critical of any little thing either of us forget - like he insists the coffee pot be unplugged after use. One day I left the TV on for the cats (they tend to fight and I'm trying to prevent it). He got angry that I left it on.

I've tried pointing out when he fails to put the milk in the fridge or turn off the stove, in a gentle way, just to lead into the fact that we are none of us perfect, but that backfires. It seems my daughter and I are always being blamed for things.

I know he was struggling with depression for some months, and it was pretty severe I think. He wouldn't get out of bed, or if he did, he refused to go anywhere. I don't need him to spend money on me, but just to go do something - even a picnic in the park or a walk or visiting friends? - but we've been out of the house together very few times in quite a few months. I admit I really lost my patience with that and tried going out by myself once, but that turned out to be a bad idea. (I went to Sonic and spent $2 on a tea and happy-hour appetizers, then drove along the beach road and stopped in at Goodwill and bought a little knick-knack.)

We haven't been to church much in a long time. After we moved we couldn't agree on a church, so we visited many, many churches for a couple of years. (Editing to say, because this may make it clearer - there were times I wanted to go to a church but he wasn't "feeling it" ... every church just wasn't it for him, he'd find something wrong in all of them - it's not that we just fought about each one - though after many months I was ready to stay in almost ANY church just to have one) But then I think we just gave up. I've been to church maybe 5 times this year, and I used to go that many times a week (I used to always be very involved in church, and not having a church home prevents me from getting involved and I have no ongoing fellowship). We did go today. I was staying home because he wouldn't go, but now it's my fault and he's ready to go. I guess that's good. I had a VERY HARD time not crying when we walked in the door and the greeter was nice to me.

I'm just so tired.

He's always so angry about my daughter, and he feels like I take her side. I tried to tell him that yes, I DO try to shield her ... because I didn't know where she was all those years and I found out she was being abused, and I wasn't able to protect her. Now I am probably over-compensating, but I don't want our "Christian" home to be just as tense for her as her father's home was. It's very important to me to provide her a good example.

And I do love my husband. I do. He has many fine qualities that I admire very much. He's a hard worker, he's very smart, he loves God, I'm physically attracted to him, and sometimes we have had great conversations, he has made me laugh and has been very kind to me at times. We're just in this rut now for so long, and I'm so very tired, I'm starting to feel like I'm wrung out and can't keep doing this.

I miss him being there for me emotionally, and being so critical most of the time instead. I don't like feeling as though I have to choose between him and my daughter. And honestly, she thanks me for doing things for her, wants to help me, will discuss things with me. I enjoy being with her, and I don't get to enjoy being with him often. So there's probably some truth to how he feels, but we're caught in a downward spiral.

Part of me says I will just finish unpacking, decorate the house, make him nice meals, try to fix myself up as nicely as possible, and say things to build him up. And maybe it will work. But if I try to do it all again, and it fails again, I'm afraid I will run out of whatever I need to fuel my ability to do it again next time. I'm almost there now.

Looking back, it sounds like maybe I'm complaining a lot, and I'm sorry if that's how it sounds. It's hard to give someone a glimpse into your life, and what things are really like, without distorting it to be worse or not as bad. And I know this is terribly long and wonder if anyone even cares to read so much. I guess I've gotten my thoughts in order while typing it though, so it has helped me already.

So thanks for letting me post here.

 

[hijklmnop]

Hi kylissa, I just want to let you know that I did read your whole post and it broke my heart for you. I'm going to respond, I just need a bit of time to mull over my thoughts. Just want you to know you are being listened to. <3

 

[seeingeyes]

Perhaps you should print this post out and hand it to him. It seems that you both have some adjustments to make for the other, but unless you can communicate clearly, you might both end up making the wrong adjustments.

 

[~Anastasia~]

Hijklmnop, thank you for listening. And seeingeyes, that sounds like wisdom.

I'm actually feeling better today. Part of it was just that I was so tired ... I've been dealing with some physical issues and had not had much sleep for the past 4 or 5 nights. Last night at least I got about 5 hours, so it's a little better. I've been praying all along of course, but I prayed more last night.

We definitely have things to figure out, but my approach so far has been wrong. His way to deal with problems is to go away and cool off, and he comes back fine. Nothing changes, but his mood is usually better. That's when we have a fight. If he's upset about something else, his mood can go up and down. I do feel like I'm living on a roller coaster because sometimes I don't know what will set him off (often I don't) and I'm often blindsided by his criticism and moods.

Better communication would surely help. But I'm one who wants to talk things to death, and when he doesn't cooperate, I become frustrated. I can come off like a nagging, complaining wife, I am sure, if I insist on pushing it. And that doesn't help either. I did that a couple of times yesterday, and that can't make him want to be near me.

But he can't just go away and come back and I feel all fine then.

Still, I think I know how to begin. I really do feel better today. I don't want to address things while they are still sore. I think I'm going to need to find my strength elsewhere, and improve things before we end up just dragging each other through the mud. He may need some incentive to try as well. Although I run the risk of making him feel he doesn't HAVE to fix anything, I guess that's what I'm going to try anyway. It seems the wisest course.

So ... I'm going to do as he wishes and get the bedroom perfect first. My daughter wants to decorate and she doesn't have her usual after-school lessons today so she's going to work in the living room and move the things I'd wanted to move so we can decorate. I'm going to have him a nice dinner (although I don't know what I'm going to cook since I needed to buy groceries, but I'll figure something out from the leftovers or frozen stuff). If I had to take her for her lessons, it would have had to be a quick dinner, and since that's usually twice a week, I think it bothers him. And I'm going to try to make a nice atmosphere for him when he comes home instead of complaining or being distant.

I was afraid I didn't have the strength to try that again, but I do.

Someday (and maybe hopefully soon) we really need to actually address some issues. Maybe I should print out an edited version (I'm hoping some things may be resolved by then?) and give it to him. I don't know. I've tried explaining in words. And when I ask immediately afterwards if he understands why I'm upset, he pretty much always answers with what he THINKS is wrong. It's like he doesn't hear what I say, and I'm tired of trying to explain. Talking isn't working right now. It's only making things worse. He's also very big on giving me the silent treatment, sometimes for a couple of days at a time, and I don't want to risk sliding into that.

I am a little upset about the money. Not because I want more money from him, and I can see his point. It was our plan at the beginning of our marriage to discuss money before we spent it. But I spent the first 8 months or so not having any idea how much he had in the bank. And he does have a habit of ordering stuff online whenever the mood strikes him. Often it's necessary things like parts to fix his car or repair an appliance, but just as often it's a book he wants to read. It seems as though he is allowed to spend money and I'm not, and that actually bothers me. He does earn the money right now, and I have not found a job since moving, and it seems like it's going to be hard to do so around my daughter's schedule, but I think it would be best. I'm not sure ... he was out of work for a couple of years, and I worked during that time, and it actually bothered him quite a bit. He hated asking me for money, and says I had an attitude about giving it to him, although I sincerely don't think I did.

I don't know. I think we have a ways to go. But I am totally committed to my marriage. Although I have been divorced, I don't really see that as a viable option. He's not physically abusive, but I admit the emotional distance and criticism takes it's toll. But I honestly see this as something to work through, not something to walk away from.

At least that's where I am at this moment. I really hope it makes an improvement in things, and then we'll see where to go next.

 

[ChristianGolfer]

How old is your daughter?

It sounds like you two would benefit from marriage counseling.

The whole thing with the money is not good for your marriage. You should both have access to all funds and know how much money there is and where it's being spent. Big ticket items should be discussed before purchases and you should both have a certain amount for spending money. You need to sit down together and make a budget. Look into Dave Ramsey's financial planning stuff Dave Ramsey Homepage - daveramsey.com There's absolutely no reason why you shouldn't be able to buy yourself new shoes when you need them!

His taking away your cards is a big red flag that he has control issues. The silent treatment is another red flag. You bending over backwards to please him, while he does nothing at all to work on anything is not the wisest course. IMO. That's just feeding the problem. You're basically becoming co-dependent.

Get a marriage counselor lined up. Tell you husband that you don't feel like you are being listened to, that you can't keep doing this and you need someone to help you guys figure out how to communicate better. And if he won't go, then go by yourself.

 

[seeingeyes]

So ... I'm going to do as he wishes and get the bedroom perfect first. My daughter wants to decorate and she doesn't have her usual after-school lessons today so she's going to work in the living room and move the things I'd wanted to move so we can decorate. I'm going to have him a nice dinner (although I don't know what I'm going to cook since I needed to buy groceries, but I'll figure something out from the leftovers or frozen stuff). If I had to take her for her lessons, it would have had to be a quick dinner, and since that's usually twice a week, I think it bothers him. And I'm going to try to make a nice atmosphere for him when he comes home instead of complaining or being distant.

I think it's good for you to be kind to your husband.

I am a little upset about the money. Not because I want more money from him, and I can see his point. It was our plan at the beginning of our marriage to discuss money before we spent it. But I spent the first 8 months or so not having any idea how much he had in the bank. And he does have a habit of ordering stuff online whenever the mood strikes him. Often it's necessary things like parts to fix his car or repair an appliance, but just as often it's a book he wants to read. It seems as though he is allowed to spend money and I'm not, and that actually bothers me. He does earn the money right now, and I have not found a job since moving, and it seems like it's going to be hard to do so around my daughter's schedule, but I think it would be best. I'm not sure ... he was out of work for a couple of years, and I worked during that time, and it actually bothered him quite a bit. He hated asking me for money, and says I had an attitude about giving it to him, although I sincerely don't think I did.

You are upset because he showed you blatant disrespect. Instead of talking to you about the money issue as the two of you had initially agreed, he confiscated your credit cards.

And you let him.

If you tiptoe around this, scared to bring it up lest he punish you with the silent treatment, then you are acting like a victim (whether he is abusing you or not).

You need to say out loud, "When we got married, we agreed to make all financial decisions together. And that's what we should do."

 

[~Anastasia~]

My daughter will be 18 in a few months.

And I see the point in what both of you are saying.

I didn't just hand them over. Well, I did. But I told him that he was being disrespectful, and that we could simply have discussed the situation, and if there was need to not use the cards, I would agree. I told him he was treating me like a child, and I didn't appreciate it.

Truth be told, as I said, it's my account. I have a driver's license and the account number. If I wish, I have access to the money. I just have to go into the bank to do it. If I end up with a flat tire across town, or whatever, it's not going to be of any use to me.

And yes ... we have problems. I shouldn't feel as though I have to tiptoe around him. And the money issue needs to be addressed.

In his defense, he is reacting to a rather big thing. I did go out and spend a total of a few hundred dollars, but he did know I was going to be Christmas shopping. I think he reacted badly, but we really should have discussed limits beforehand, so it's not totally his fault.

I also have some respect that he is trying to trying to take a leadership role. I don't think he's doing it in the best way, but he maybe doesn't really know how to lead. At least he's trying. It was an issue in my first marriage - my husband refused to make almost any decision at all and left it all to me, but if he didn't like what I decided, he found a way to undermine me. That was worse.

I do agree that we need to sort these things out. I really do.

I just find that talking about them seems to be driving us further apart. As far as getting counseling, unless I can find some for free (and I really would like to do that), it's probably not going to be something I can talk him into paying for.

I've just tried so many things along the way - from appeasing him, to talking, to "giving him a dose of his own medicine", to praying and waiting for God to intervene, to just ignoring it, and probably a few other things as well (and not in any particular order). The only thing that "works" in a limited fashion is for me to make things better and get him in a better mood. Sometimes we can talk then, and sometimes he will come to me and make it right himself. He's not a terrible person, it's just that neither of us really seems to know how to "do" this marriage thing, but we both want it to work.

I really do appreciate your replies. And if I ASKED him for shoes, I know he'd let me buy them. He took me out for this pair and insisted I get them because the last pair was falling apart and were hurting my feet. He's just not noticing this time that I need them, and I haven't asked.

And we were so tight with money for so long, that I really do try not to spend unnecessarily. That's just how it is.

I'm not making excuses if that's what it sounds like ... just really hard to paint an accurate picture for someone that's honest on all sides, so I'm hoping to be fair is all.

Thank you SO MUCH for your replies, and I really do agree that this needs "fixing" - not disagreeing there at all!

 

[ChristianGolfer]

You are making excuses, though.

If you keep doing what you've been doing nothing is going to change.

Your daughter is nearly 18, there's no reason that your work schedule needs to revolve around her. Go get yourself a job. It sounds like you view the family money as his money. It shouldn't be that way, but it's hard not to when you're not making anything. Go earn some money so that you can have the confidence to put your foot down.

If you and your husband both want him to be a leader that's all well and good but there's a difference between leading and domineering.

If you both want it to work, then you'll both work on it. You can't do all the work and think that anything is going to improve. You need to insist on counseling.

 

[seeingeyes]

My daughter will be 18 in a few months.

And I see the point in what both of you are saying.

I didn't just hand them over. Well, I did. But I told him that he was being disrespectful, and that we could simply have discussed the situation, and if there was need to not use the cards, I would agree. I told him he was treating me like a child, and I didn't appreciate it.

Truth be told, as I said, it's my account. I have a driver's license and the account number. If I wish, I have access to the money. I just have to go into the bank to do it. If I end up with a flat tire across town, or whatever, it's not going to be of any use to me.

Your actions and your words don't line up here. Your words say, "Hey, you can't do that!" and your actions say, "Well, actually you can do that".

Likewise, his words say, "Rawr, I'm in charge!", but his actions say, "I am demanding this token of my control over a situation that I have no control over".

Now you have no control over his bluster or his moods, but you do have control over your own response.

Try this: "Husband (though don't actually call him 'husband'...might be too weird), we agreed long ago that we would make financial decisions together, and I think that was a solid plan. I went against that plan by making a large purchase without consulting you first, and I apologize. I also went against that plan by handing my credit card over to you without agreeing that that was an appropriate financial decision for our family, and I apologize for that, too. I'll be going to the bank in the morning to order a new card."

 

[MountainBluebird]

Kylissa, I can relate to some of what you are saying, especially about your child. I suspect it comes from him remembering what he was like as a teenager, and just expecting that our boys will be the same. I also prefer to spend time with my children, because they are generally cheerful and positive, and I find I can talk to them about many topics without fearing I will say the wrong thing.
I think you should let your husband know how much you miss going to church regularly, and tell him you are going to choose a church and start to attend. Invite your husband along to make him feel welcome, but if he chooses to stay home, so be it.

 

[Inkachu]

When a couple has lost their ability to communicate this completely, I think that bringing in an objective third party (ie, a counselor) is often a good idea. Sometimes we're so enveloped in our own bitterness that we just can't hear what our spouse is saying or needing, and hearing it from someone else helps us receive it in a fresh way.

 

[~Anastasia~]

I was going to quote and reply individually, but I only have a few minutes.

As far as church, yes, I think we will start to go now. He use to attend at least once a week, and I know he misses it. And if he doesn't, I will go on my own. I had chosen a church and started to do that, but backed down. But I think he is ready to go back now.

And as far as my daughter's schedule, we thought it wouldn't tie me down, but it does. She doesn't have a license, and with the laws in our state (no learner's permit either) she won't be able to get one until she turns 18 now. She's a very good student, involved in lots of things, and already accepted into a good college. I have to take her to school 2 hours before it starts (so no bus) and she has different clubs and administrative responsibilities afterwards. She graduates this year and I don't want to derail that. She also has free lessons after school twice a week from someone who has taken an interest in a special talent she has, and I don't want her to give that up. So I'm the on-call chauffeur. If I could work between the hours of 7:30 am and 2:30 pm only, I can work. So I think I will try to find a job that doesn't mind letting me do that. I'm sure my husband would feel less pressure if he didn't feel solely responsible for making the bills if anything were to happen to his job.

I hear what you're saying about the rest. I do agree that it needs to be addressed, and I actually feel rather irresponsible now for letting him do that to me. It doesn't make sense for me to be unable to meet emergencies.

I do still think it would be better to have the right atmosphere for that discussion. If I simply "hit him" with it when he walks in the door, it will just set off another round of discord. I don't like the idea of walking on eggshells either. It sets up the wrong tone around the home, and not one I want my daughter having to see.

Thank you so much for your wisdom. Prayers appreciated ... I need to navigate through this without going too far to accommodate his moods but also without setting myself up to fail. I really am listening, just trying to figure out what that should look like in real life.

And perhaps I can find a church with some kind of marriage mentor or counseling program? We found it very helpful in our counseling with our pastor before we got married, and he respects and will listen to a pastor.

Thank you all so much.

Oh, and the other thing about my daughter - I do know what part of it is, though I hesitate to say something because I don't want to make my husband appear to be petty. But for the last while, I had worked at home, and it was just us. Now that my daughter is here, I have to take her for lessons twice a week, and from time to time she will need something else after he's home from work. He seems to have had the idea that she and I buddy up and spend all our time together, and he sees me as less available to him. In truth, she is VERY busy with her academic and other requirements, and she and I often only visit while I'm driving her from here to there. But he doesn't really realize that, and I think it has added to his resentment.

She and I also communicate very well with each other, and he and I sometimes don't share that ability, so it probably makes him feel a little left out.

 

[~Anastasia~]

Hey, by the way, thanks so much to everyone for not blasting me, or my husband. I did want a sympathetic ear, but I wasn't looking for anyone to tell me he's horrible, because he's not.

And I guess the good thing ... while I was typing this, he called me from work. He very rarely does that, but had a few minutes of his lunch time left, so he called. I know he probably just wanted to check the mood, but it's his way of making up I think. He encouraged me to go outside and enjoy the warm temps today, and offered to pick up something we need on the way home.

It's a good thing. But I do want us to communicate for real instead of me having to figure out what his actions mean (and possibly he has trouble reading me as well).

Thanks again, everyone.

 

[seeingeyes]

Do try to keep in mind, sister, that your husband's life has changed a lot since your daughter moved in. You are in love with that girl and you spent years trying to get her with you...but your husband did not.

He's had a stranger that he is supposed to love instantly thrown into his life.

I'm not saying that that means that you have to bend over backwards to accommodate him, or anything, but I do wonder if he feels that his concerns are being heard. If he has no voice in that aspect of his life, it may be that he is overcompensating with the money issue to make up for what he feels is a complete lack of control in this other aspect of his life.

That might be something to consider with him when the time is right.

May the Lord give you all the strength and the wisdom you need, sister.

 

[~Anastasia~]

Thank you so much, seeingeyes.

That may very well be. There is SO MUCH to tell, and I wrote so much anyway, I know there are many factors that play into it. He was good enough to move to accommodate us, and had to find a new job. It's a big thing and I didn't mean to hide it, just trying to discuss the relevant parts.

I'm sure being an instant stepfather when he is used to it being just us has had an effect, and may have played into the cause of his depression. I tried for a while to point out her good characteristics, hoping to make him appreciate her more, but I found that didn't go over well. The more I'd say good things, the more he'd say bad ones, and I don't think I realized in time that I must have been making him feel worse.

Not only that - he says I've changed. And in part, maybe I have. We used to be extremely isolated, and I had to rely on him almost exclusively for all my social needs. Which probably isn't the healthiest thing for a relationship anyway? But now that she's here, and since he closed himself off from me during his depression, I have turned to her a little. Not too much - she is 17 and has her own very full social circles, and is VERY busy with school as I said, but he does see me enjoy interacting with her around the house.

Thank you for understanding. I didn't want to paint him in a bad light, but I'm glad you pointed that out. I really do need to be more understanding on that part, I think.

 

[~Anastasia~]

I've been thinking a lot about the advice given here. Haven't had much chance to act on it, since I've been really sick the past couple of days.

I look at the problems in our relationship and I see that for his part, he will "try" this and that to get what he wants/needs. Meaning he tries ignoring me, he once called me a name in anger, he tries to "make up" and be nice, and so on. It's reasonable, I think, since I think the problem between us is really that neither of us has ever learned how to interact in a marriage.

What we need is someone to help us with that. I saw someone mentioned a "coach" in a post to someone else. Perhaps that's really what we need. I know we DO need help, but it's not that we've deteriorated, it's just that we don't know how to do things. And I came here for help because it reached a point that was not acceptable to me. It goes up and down though.

I have a specific question from my standpoint. I see that I've been told that I am reacting like a victim and in a co-dependent way. I'm not really sure exactly what's meant by co-dependency, but I DO see that I often react like a victim because I don't seem to know what else to do. That runs the risk of making the relationship worse, and isn't healthy. I don't want to MAKE myself a victim and him one who treats me like one.

So ... this may sound silly, but what would be the correct response when he does something he shouldn't do? He only called me a name once, in great frustration, and that was a few years ago. He also takes "control" in various ways over the years that upsets me (he made me get rid of my dog because he wasn't happy with him - honestly, the dog had health issues and it wasn't something we could afford to keep treating properly, so he was right I suppose. But it hurt me.

I tend to react out of my feelings, which probably isn't right. I may be saying the right things (I don't know). I tell him why what he did was wrong, and that it upsets me, but I go along with him. And I'm usually very emotional at the moment, so that probably isn't right either. It just doesn't feel healthy. And I think it makes him feel badly, but I know really he's trying to do the right things. As I said, he just needs to learn too.

But how exactly should I react? I love what you said about telling him directly that we agreed on this, and it is the best course, and to go from there. I want to be logical and loving, not emotionally reactive. I just need to learn how to do this too.

Thanks for any input.

 

[seeingeyes]

I've been thinking a lot about the advice given here. Haven't had much chance to act on it, since I've been really sick the past couple of days.

I hope you're feeling better now.

The trick to giving a calm and reasonable response is planning ahead (because, let's face it, we all go into 'freak out' mode, no reasonable thinking is going on then. ) So get some time to yourself, and really think about the boundaries that you want to draw.

Here are the guidelines for setting a boundary:

1. Be specific about what behavior is unacceptable to you. Something general like 'he shows disrespectful behavior' or 'he's acting like a child' is not clear enough. Something like 'he calls me a doodiehead' is much better. Pick something that is objectively observable, rather than something that is vague and subjective.

2. Be specific about what your response will be to such behavior.
a) Pick a response that does not require his cooperation.
b) Pick a response that you are actually willing to carry out.

For example, let's say you choose this boundary: "If you call me a doodiehead, I will cut off your big toe." Such a boundary is no good because it would require him to sit still while you get the carving knife. Plus, if he crosses that boundary more than twice, he will be out of big toes.

Or if your boundary is: "If you call me a doodiehead, I will burn down the house." Now if he calls you a doodiehead, he is forcing you to be either a liar or an arsonist, so that's no good.

But if your boundary is: "If you call me a doodiehead, I will stop the conversation and walk out of the room." Then you have drawn a line in the sand that you can actually defend.

An effective boundary does not require someone else's participation. It may certainly inconvenience you though (are you prepared to walk out of the room if he calls you a doodiehead while you are watching your favorite movie? Or visiting friends?) You have to make sure it's something you are willing to stick with even when it's awkward.

 

[sdmsanjose]

The GOOD, the BAD, the UGLY


The BAD
There are resentments, jealousy, and the inability for either of you to help each other enough

The UGLY
Your Husband is jealous of your daughter
You need to become a little more independent financially and emotionally
You have not yet got a competent 3rd party to help you both


The GOOD
You both are willing to try to get better
You both seem receptive to your faith
You know, and maybe he does also, that you both need a competent counselor


I think that you know most of your problems; now it is time for ACTIONS!

Nothing will change much unless you both have your hearts touched by the spirit. When you both allow the spirit to help you be introspective and then you change; the situation will get much better.

You can only change you and he can only change himself and you both need guidance.

 

[ValleyGal]

What we need is someone to help us with that. I saw someone mentioned a "coach" in a post to someone else. Perhaps that's really what we need.

A coach will use strategic questioning to create greater awareness of your current situation, clarify a vision for your future, set goals in support of that vision, and address obstacles that might get in the way. It's a solution-focused process and positions the client for sustainable change. It is not counselling, where the focus is on healing the past, and it's not mentoring because you do not emulate your coach's marriage. It's also not consulting because coaches do not provide advice.

Coaching works for couples who both want to change, and their motivation for change comes from within - not because the partner wants them to. If you want coaching and your husband doesn't or he is there reluctantly, chances are, a coach will not accept you (as a couple) as a client. A coach might take you as a client to figure out how to set boundaries in order to minimize your husband's negative influence on you, for example, but unless your husband wants to change as well, the work would only be with you.

Working with a marriage coach can happen online, and you don't even have to meet. Some is done through email, but most is done through Skype - unless you can find one in your local area. If you want to learn more about them, feel free to send me a pm.

 

[Autumnleaf]

Do you make it a point to regularly try to make him happy with what he likes? Not with what you would like him to like, but with what he likes? If you spend time with him doing what he likes regularly then you are investing in him wanting to please you so when you ask him for something you want he will likely fall all over himself trying to make that happen.