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NEED HELP! Living apart and in danger. Need advice!

Discussion in 'Married Couples' started by Malik DeBride, Mar 22, 2019.

  1. Malik DeBride

    Malik DeBride New Member

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    Hello everyone as the title says, my marriage is in danger.
    So here goes...

    I have been married for 3 years and have been with my wife for 6 years, I am 28 and she's 26, and we have 2 little girls, 7 and 2 years old. After we got married we stayed at my wife's aunts house for a while maybe over a year. It was something I disliked and was eager to move out, as was she. We dicided to move from NY to NC. We had a plan...I saved up for the apartment while she saved up for the car. Everything went fine, even found a place shortly after planning.
    Finally got the apartment but unfortunately we had money stolen, and plans changed! ( stolen after the down payment was made so about a month before the move in date, so we was able to make changes with the plans before them actual move in date) The money that was stolen was an advance for rent so we can get my daughters situated with school and babysitter. So there for she stayed with the kids and worked in New york while I worked out here in North Carolina. We agreed at one point to wait til we had the money to continue with the original plan. Tranfering my daughters schools, wife and kids move in ect. ect.
    Now I'm 4 months in and she changes the plan to wait til my daughter finished school in NY to move (she wasn't comfortable with the public school and wanted her in a charter school). We disagree there because I belive she can finish school in NC(even if she has to do public til the end of the school year then go to a charter). I want my family together.
    She disagrees. So I wait. It wasn't til her own mother said to her that we should be together and that we need to, and to tranfer my daughter school. Then she agrees. We pick a date. first week of May. 1 month before schools out. She gets accepted into a charter school so now is just the money holding us back. It took my wife 4 months to get the information that we needed to tranfer my daughter. Wasn't until I made the calls myself.(we wanted to make sure everything would be a green light, or if she would have to get left back in 1st grade). The charter school just need her report card and I called her current school and they said she can get one in may and that she will move on. But a month later my wife changes it back to the end of the school year again.
    It's frustrating me because she keeps changing the d
     
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  2. SkyWriting

    SkyWriting The Librarian Supporter

    +5,398
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    You can start a GoFundMe page. It's won't bring you any money on it's own, but if you tell a compelling story, somebody might donate funds. Work on forming an honest and compelling story that reporters might reprint in their publishings.
     
  3. Malik DeBride

    Malik DeBride New Member

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    Married
    Not looking for money just want advice. Were okay financially although could be better.
     
  4. Malik DeBride

    Malik DeBride New Member

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    Married
    But my wife changes it back to the end of the school year again shortly after. It's frustrating me! Why postpone it any longer if we do the have to. (While in the meantime she having talks about a trip to Atlanta with a friend in june) which is when suppos to move out her in june!

    Her argument is that she thinks it makes no sense to pull her out of school early and june is only a month later. My thing is, I feel like my wife should be dedicated on united our family together I our new apartment, and why keep me waiting so long (8months to date) if nothing negatives comes of it. And it's hurting me not being wih my kids so long and her.
    My marriage is in danger because I've had these similar situation where I feel as if she's not doing what a wife should do, and this situation is worse. She hangs out with her friends which is fine but shes spending money instead of saving it to get us together. She works hard 2 jobs while her aunt and her mom watches the kids for us. (1 job she's takes the kids with her). She works very hard and I appreciate that but i think it's more than just working hard.

    What should we/I do?

    Thanks in advance
     
  5. snoochface

    snoochface Meet the new boss -- same as the old boss.

    +2,665
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    It's one month. It's important to the continuity of your daughter's education (especially if they considered leaving her back a grade) that she finish out the school year in a stable and familiar environment. It's only one extra month. Let it go.
     
  6. Malik DeBride

    Malik DeBride New Member

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    Have you been in a similar situation before? It's really hard to relate if you haven't.
    But maybe I should. I was just against it knowing I can be with my family much sooner with no negative effect on my daughters education. Shes in 2nd grade and the school belives she can do 3rd grade, she's very smart. She would be out of school only 2 weeks longer for summer vacation as schools start sooner in NC than NY.
     
  7. mkgal1

    mkgal1 His perfect way sets me free. 2 Samuel 22:33 Supporter

    +4,961
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    It's going to be a difficult transition
    change (edited - TW is right) for your daughter(s) - leaving a place that's familiar to her....new school.....new home....new friends......new routines......etc. I think it's important to allow her to make that transition change during the summer (and, as Snooch already posted, it's only a month for you to wait).

    You have been living this way for quite a while.....is that correct? Then I don't believe one month is going to make a difference for YOU - but it may make a huge difference if your daughter were pulled out of school before the school year ends. I doubt there will be no negative effect on your daughter's education. Emotional transitions are difficult on children (and will affect their attention span and development). Besides.....your wife isn't on-board with that plan of moving during the school year - and I don't believe you're going to convince her otherwise.

    I'm curious.....is your seven year-old daughter from another relationship? You posted that you and your wife have been together for six years.
     
    Last edited: Mar 25, 2019
  8. Tropical Wilds

    Tropical Wilds Lord, beer me strength...

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    Honestly, I’m with your wife on this one. Pulling your daughter out of school one to two months shy of the end of her school year isn’t fair to her (your wife or daughters).

    One thing I’ve learned with my kids is the jump from 1st to 2nd grade is big, but the jump from 2nd to 3rd is a mountain. I don’t think a single one of my kids did that leap well, and my youngest (the one with the best grades) had the hardest transition. That’s really when all the kid time goes away and it’s more-or-less highly structured learning all day. If you have the luxury of starting her after she’s had a few months to adjust to the move, by all means, take it. New state, new house, new school, new people is a lot for anybody, much less kids.

    Secondly, the back half of the year is when some crucial testing occurs. You shouldn’t miss or expedite it. Then after is all the stuff that the kids live for... The big field trip of the year, field day, various grade-specific coming of age events, dances, parties, book fair, and it’s the most amazing and crucial part of the year for kid’s social development. To you, it’s a “who cares,” but to your kids it’s a huuuuuge deal. Let her have one last hurrah with her friends in her comfort zone.

    Thirdly, May 1st is just over a month away... 30 days to move, finish school, finish jobs, pack, and upend everything... That’s miserable. That’s so stressful, for your wife and your kids. It gives the kids no time to adjust to the idea of goodbyes, it doesn’t give her time for her goodbyes, it doesn’t give your family time to say goodbye. It’s an immediate change, not a transition. Transitions for kids are tricky, transitions for marriages is tricky, abrupt change? That’s rough.

    So, yeah... I get being tired of being apart, but you have to do what’s best for your family. In this case, it’s timing the move better.
     
  9. mkgal1

    mkgal1 His perfect way sets me free. 2 Samuel 22:33 Supporter

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    This is an excellent point (and very true). :oldthumbsup: We experienced the same thing.
     
  10. Deidre32

    Deidre32 Follow Thy Heart

    +2,320
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    I wonder if maybe she doesn't want to move. Maybe she'll miss the area or her friends, and she is using your daughter's school issue as a crutch to remain there. I think maybe if you just ask her that, and have an honest open discussion about it, then maybe it'll help her see that your marriage comes first. Honestly, before all else, but you can't and shouldn't force someone to see that, for you want her eyes to be opened to that on their own.
     
  11. christine40

    christine40 Well-Known Member

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    my family moved at the end of my third grade/waited until school was over
    still remember how hard it was leaving my friends and I was crying as we drove away
    will be difficult enough leaving her friends and everything familiar

    have to agree better to let her finish school and then have the summer to process all the changes
    best to you
     
  12. Odetta

    Odetta Thankful for grace

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    Having moved several times during my childhood, I can tell you that it's much better to finish out the year at the current school than to move with one month to go. Seriously, let this go and be patient with the delay. Seems selfish to me to cause your daughter undue stress, when it's easy to wait one more month. If it is not easy for you, that's your issue, not your daughter's, and you need to deal with it without uprooting her life unnecessarily early because you're freaking out. The change will be hard enough on her when it does come.
     
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