need help in my marriage

[Liz1019]

Hello, I have been married to my husband for 3 1/2 years and we have an almost 3 year old son. I was 19 years old when I started dating him. The way we met I knew would potentially cause us problems in the future because my husband is my ex-brother in laws cousin. Sounds confusing I know,at the time my sister was married to my brother in law, and my brother in law introduced me to his cousin who is now my husband. The reason I said I knew our relationship would bring problems in the future is because my sister is now divorced. But my husband still talks to his cousin, and so do I. My sister and my family do not approve of this of course but that is a different story. When I started dating my husband he was in the process of enlisting in the military, and soon enough he was sent off to boot camp. My memories of our relationship are ones that I escape to quite often, he was very polite, charming very handsome (still is ) and most importantly I credit him into introducing me back into my relationship with Christ. What can I say all was great we wrote each other letters during boot camp expressing our love and need for one another. Soon he graduated and I drove down with his family after 5 months of not seeing him for his ceremony. When we came back a couple weeks later I found out I was pregnant with my son. I we should have waited but this is the way it happed .This is where I got married, my husband and I drove to the court house with no one else present but the person marrying us, I remember I couldn't speak because I was sick and had lost my voice but in my mind I thought what a beautiful and fun memory it will be to remember when we grow old.
My parents of course were not happy ,because they had trusted me to travel on my own, and I came back pregnant and married without their consent . I called my husband and he was very supportive, my parents kicked me out and I lived with his cousin until he finished his training. After a while I asked my parents to forgive me, and we reconciled. I soon moved to NC. At the start of our marriage I'd like to say everything was good. But soon the arguments and fights began. One of the first arguments I recall was when I saw a picture and conversation with an ex-girlfriend, there was nothing wrong with conversation itself and pictures. But what did enrage me was the fact he had hid it from me. I remember I took the car and drove off I was a mess and in tears he called me asked me where I was in a very concerned voice and when I told him what I had found his mood changed. He said he had done nothing wrong and if he didn't tell be it was because he knew I would act the way I did. Eventually we made up. But after that episode and another one similar afterward I lost trust in him even though I forgave him I did not trust him. After this my son was born. There were times where we were ok and others where he would get so mad and tell me if I did not like it I could divorce him , but on different occasions after an intense fight we would both end up crying kneeling down and praying for God to help our marriage. Now this is the cycle that has been on repeat for the last couple years except now it has gotten even more aggressive.
Just recently after a fight I asked my husband why he did not care about me and he simply responded because I do not love you. Following that he said I have never loved anyone in any relationship. He went on to say that he has only continued to be with me because of our son. This hit me like a ton of bricks, I felt hurt and ashamed.
I don't know what to do. After all we've been through I refuse to believe he has never loved me after all we've been through but then I remember the harsh words he's said like "am I suppose to live miserable the rest of my life if I don't love you
??" I think he has grown numb of feelings toward me because of all our fights. And it hurts even more because I really do love him. But I also do not want him to be unhappy, after our arguments he is very caring and often times he asks me to forgive him.
The only reason I believe we are still married is because of the fear of unpleasing God with divorce.
I've told my husband that the only reason w ever get divorced is because of his own will because I cant consent.
I would just like prayer for our marriage to be restored and please advice is welcome.

 

[Goatee]

You are both stressed out.

I would definitely seek marriage guidance and spiritual guidance too.

Seems to me you have both moved in different directions slightly and you need guidance to get back on track. Trust in God.

God will guide you I am sure.

 

[ToBeLoved]

Pray and read the Bible together.

 

[Take Heart]

Get back up and fight for your marriage. Date again. Do the things you did before that stirred your hearts up for each other.

 

[Winken]

Are you attending Christian services on Sunday morning? Attending other Christian meetings? Do you have a Christian counselor for the two of you (not just you). Is there someone in your congregation that you and your husband can associate with on a regular basis? Do you go out to restaurants, movies (G-rated), amusement parks, for walks, for drives? What is the most important item missing in your lives (plural).

 

[Endeavourer]

I saw a picture and conversation with an ex-girlfriend, there was nothing wrong with conversation itself and pictures. But what did enrage me was the fact he had hid it from me. I remember I took the car and drove off I was a mess and in tears he called me asked me where I was in a very concerned voice and when I told him what I had found his mood changed. He said he had done nothing wrong and if he didn't tell be it was because he knew I would act the way I did.

But after that episode and another one similar afterward I lost trust in him even though I forgave him I did not trust him.

I asked my husband why he did not care about me and he simply responded because I do not love you.

These three portions of your story, taken together in addition to the fights, raise a few alarms. It is very common for men who are having affairs to treat their wives coldly, fight a lot and say they are not in love with their wives. This is because they have a fantasy life somewhere else with someone they are in love with (addicted to) that provides a contrast effect to the realities of their life at home.

Is he regularly still in contact with other women in this way? Does he protect his digital life from you or is he transparent with you?

This may totally not be the case for you, but before exhausting yourself in marital recovery (which will be ineffective if he is having affairs), with this background information I would do some sleuthing to rule out an affair. Don't ask him or let him know you are checking things out. If you do, he will just hide any affair better.

on different occasions after an intense fight we would both end up crying kneeling down and praying for God to help our marriage. Now this is the cycle that has been on repeat for the last couple years except now it has gotten even more aggressive.

I think he has grown numb of feelings toward me because of all our fights. And it hurts even more because I really do love him. But I also do not want him to be unhappy, after our arguments he is very caring and often times he asks me to forgive him..

Fights are the death of marriages, particularly the ones you have described here. What do you think of these articles?

A Summary of Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts
The Giver & Taker
The Policy of Joint Agreement

If you like them, what would you think of printing them out and giving them to your husband to see if he would like a marriage like this?

Bear in mind that **NOTHING** you can do will improve your marriage if he is in an active affair, so be sure to work on ruling that out in parallel with reading/discussing these links.

Hugs,
E.

 

[Liz1019]

You are both stressed out.

I would definitely seek marriage guidance and spiritual guidance too.

Seems to me you have both moved in different directions slightly and you need guidance to get back on track. Trust in God.

God will guide you I am sure.

Thank you, we have talked about marriage guidance but have never acted on it

 

[Liz1019]

Get back up and fight for your marriage. Date again. Do the things you did before that stirred your hearts up for each other.

Thank you , I think we are missing this because we have a little one and we live away from friends and family that I would feel comfortable babysitting him. So instead we spend time together as a family but never alone.

 

[Endeavourer]

It also seems like anger is a significant issue in your marriage.

Is it primarily just your husband that engages in anger outbursts or do both of you?

Does one or the other of you consistently introduce anger into the argument? If so, which one?

 

[Liz1019]

Are you attending Christian services on Sunday morning? Attending other Christian meetings? Do you have a Christian counselor for the two of you (not just you). Is there someone in your congregation that you and your husband can associate with on a regular basis? Do you go out to restaurants, movies (G-rated), amusement parks, for walks, for drives? What is the most important item missing in your lives (plural).

Thanks you for your response , yes we attend church on Sunday, we do not have a Christian counselor but we have never seeked one either.
We do go out but never alone as we do not have someone to watch our son so we do go out as a family but never alone.

 

[Liz1019]

These three portions of your story, taken together in addition to the fights, raise a few alarms. It is very common for men who are having affairs to treat their wives coldly, fight a lot and say they are not in love with their wives. This is because they have a fantasy life somewhere else with someone they are in love with (addicted to) that provides a contrast effect to the realities of their life at home.

Is he regularly still in contact with other women in this way? Does he protect his digital life from you or is he transparent with you?

This may totally not be the case for you, but before exhausting yourself in marital recovery (which will be ineffective if he is having affairs), with this background information I would do some sleuthing to rule out an affair. Don't ask him or let him know you are checking things out. If you do, he will just hide any affair better.





Fights are the death of marriages, particularly the ones you have described here. What do you think of these articles?

A Summary of Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts
The Giver & Taker
The Policy of Joint Agreement

If you like them, what would you think of printing them out and giving them to your husband to see if he would like a marriage like this?

Bear in mind that **NOTHING** you can do will improve your marriage if he is in an active affair, so be sure to work on ruling that out in parallel with reading/discussing these links.

Hugs,
E.

Thank you for taking the time to respond, I honestly do not think he is having an affair
As I’ve told him that would be the only reason I would leave without a fight , even in his highest peaks of anger he has never once insinuated he desires someone else. We are Hispanic and in the Hispanic culture there is a sense of machismo so even though I do not believe he is being unfaithful he also does not like for me to grab his phone with the purpose of me looking through. I sense that he feels like I’m controlling him, when I do that , and no he has not had contact with women. The only time was that when we initially started to live together. I think he doesn’t because even if he fears destroying our marriage due to an affair caused by him leaving him as the adulter.

 

[Liz1019]

It also seems like anger is a significant issue in your marriage.

Is it primarily just your husband that engages in anger outbursts or do both of you?

Does one or the other of you consistently introduce anger into the argument? If so, which one?

I will admit that I am prideful, but I am willing to simmer down anger in order to come to a solution my husband on the other hand I do believe has an anger issue because he explodes when he gets mad and says hurtful things afterward he will ask for forgiveness. But when he is mad there is no rationalizing with him. I’ve told him jokingly before I think you have an anger issue but he has never admitted it.

 

[Liz1019]

It also seems like anger is a significant issue in your marriage.

Is it primarily just your husband that engages in anger outbursts or do both of you?

Does one or the other of you consistently introduce anger into the argument? If so, which one?

We both are prideful but I’d say my husband does have an anger issue because when he is mad there is no rationalizing with him and he can say pretty hurtful things. When he has calmed down he will ask for forgiveness and when he knows I’m hurt he’s nice to meet he respects me and treats me kindly but I wonder why can’t it be like this all the time not just after an argument

 

[Zatek]

Without a really good reason, a person in a relationship, especially marriage, should never be in contact with an ex, and off the top of my head I can't even think of what a good reason might be. I would never contact an ex if I was married out of respect for my wife and I would expect nothing less from her as well.

This is one of the many reasons you shouldn't have sex before marriage, and definitely not kids. I wouldn't even recommend having kids the first couple years of marriage unless you're really good at reading people's personality and you know for sure they really love you and commited to also growing as a Christian.

Your first mistake was being in a long distance relationship. Even if you knew he would be coming back in the future you still shouldn't do long distance relationships. You should have told him you'll agree to a date with him once he gets back and pick things up from there. Nothing can replace face-to-face interaction in truely getting to know someone's personality and character because things are real-time. A person has hours or even days to think up the perfect letter to write, and even to create an elaborate lie if they want, so you just never know.

And obviously having sex and marrying a guy you don't even know were mistakes also. I'm not one to sugar-coat things, but you're life is pretty much ruined at this point. Your husband doesn't even love you or respect you enough to lie and say he loves you. You can, and probably should, divorce him, but with a toddler no guys will want to date a single mom, so be prepared to be single for a long time if you do.

I'm not saying it is impossible to fix your marriage, but it's pretty close to impossible. You can pray to God all you want, but God gave us free will and if your husband just refuses to love and respect you then God's not going to force him to. That's the kind of thing you're supposed to watch out for before sex and marriage.

Us guys are always horny, that's just how God made us. There's been plenty of I've meet a girl, been attracted to her, flirted with her, got her number, but then later the next day I realize I'm not attracted to her I was just horny and so I never even ask her out. That's just how guys work, and when you wait till marriage for sex that's fine because guys who aren't interested in you never make it that far, but if you're having sex with a guy he'll stay around for a while, maybe even a couple years, even if he's not that into you. Then eventually he'll get bored of emotionless sex and leave you to go looking for a woman he has more than just a physical connection with.

You need to find a good church with a good pastor who is or knows a good marriage counselor, or really just an individual counselor. The problem isn't really your marriage, the problem is that you both have unresolved personal issues. My guess would be some kind of abandonment or neglect issues, given how you were willing to be in a relationship with a guy you knew would be leaving then continued in a long distance relationship with him. Until you resolve your personal issues you will never be able to open up and be emotionally intimate with your spouse.

 

[Liz1019]

Thank you for your response it hurt to read it but I know it is the truth. Often times I reflect on the past and think about every where I went wrong and I’ve asked God for forgiveness time and time again and I can’t help but think this is some way of me being punished. But I wonder what else can I do other than pray and trust in him, I don’t believe anything is impossible for him and is divorce truly the answer ?

 

[Zatek]

Thank you for your response it hurt to read it but I know it is the truth. Often times I reflect on the past and think about every where I went wrong and I’ve asked God for forgiveness time and time again and I can’t help but think this is some way of me being punished. But I wonder what else can I do other than pray and trust in him, I don’t believe anything is impossible for him and is divorce truly the answer ?

If you are a Christian then God has already forgive you, but that doesn't mean he's going to erase all the consequences of your choices.

God is not the genie from the Aladdin movies. You don't get to request magical wishes and sit there doing nothing while he snaps his fingers. God helps people who can't help themselves, not people who don't help themselves. Your and your husband aren't starving in a third world country with your children being kidnapped by sex traffickers, you're just two people making poor decisions in life. You can pray that God will help you find a good mentor, church, pastor, counselor, books, etc, to help you learn to be a better person who can be a better wife, and that the same can happen for your husband, but he's not going to just snap his fingers and turn you into the perfect couple.

Do you have a church you attend weekly? Do you have a car to drive to a church? Is there a church in walking distance if you don't have a car? If you go to church have you talked to your pastor? Praying but not taking advantage of any of the opportunities you have to help yourself reminds me of that old joke about the guy stuck on his roof during a flood.

A fellow was stuck on his rooftop in a flood. He was praying to God for help.

Soon a man in a rowboat came by and the fellow shouted to the man on the roof, "Jump in, I can save you."

The stranded fellow shouted back, "No, it's OK, I'm praying to God and he is going to save me."

So the rowboat went on.

Then a motorboat came by. "The fellow in the motorboat shouted, "Jump in, I can save you."

To this the stranded man said, "No thanks, I'm praying to God and he is going to save me. I have faith."

So the motorboat went on.

Then a helicopter came by and the pilot shouted down, "Grab this rope and I will lift you to safety."

To this the stranded man again replied, "No thanks, I'm praying to God and he is going to save me. I have faith."

So the helicopter reluctantly flew away.

Soon the water rose above the rooftop and the man drowned. He went to Heaven. He finally got his chance to discuss this whole situation with God, at which point he exclaimed, "I had faith in you but you didn't save me, you let me drown. I don't understand why!"

To this God replied, "I sent you a rowboat and a motorboat and a helicopter, what more did you expect?"

 

[Endeavourer]

. We are Hispanic and in the Hispanic culture there is a sense of machismo so even though I do not believe he is being unfaithful he also does not like for me to grab his phone with the purpose of me looking through. I sense that he feels like I’m controlling him, when I do that , and no he has not had contact with women. The only time was that when we initially started to live together. I think he doesn’t because even if he fears destroying our marriage due to an affair caused by him leaving him as the adulter.

OK. You have described the cycle of anger outbursting that is also typical in the Hispanic culture. Your health will not survive a marriage to this long term.

Liz, I just want to give you a hug right now, because I was you 30 years ago. I also married a Latino man and much of my story mirrors yours. In my case the "machismo" anger explosions continued on and on and on for 25 years.

As a born again Christian, I also had a **HIGH** view of marriage and divorce, and believed divorce was not an option to me unless I could catch him cheating, or if he left and filed for divorce.
Counselors didn't help. As soon as they started working on his anger explosions he wanted none of it because "he is who he is". When I met with them separately in despair, they told me there was no hope for my marriage under these conditions and that I should divorce him now instead of later.

After my health was about destroyed I encountered a methodology of saving marriages that I firmly believe could have saved my marriage if it had been deployed in the first several years of it.

The methodology raises the bar so when he treats you in an unacceptable way he encounters a boundary that is unpleasant and he doesn't want repeated. Not just any old boundary - a very serious one.

In a very brief summary, it teaches you to keep your side of the street clean in any fights (don't respond to anger with anger, keep your thoughts and wits strategic instead of emotional, etc etc). If after about several incidents he doesn't respond to your calm and loving demeanor in the argument (the method trains you how to ensure that during those several incidents you are not acting in a provocative way or responding with anger of your own), then you would put him out of the house. Change the locks, have his bags outside waiting for him and a letter telling him you love him very much and want to be married to him forever, but you cannot live under these conditions. In the letter, you outline your conditions for his return, which will include some type of anger management therapy, etc. A Motel 6 therapy of sorts.

He will be highly motivated to meet your conditions to get back into the house. This is FAR different than divorce - in fact it is the best way to avoid divorce. He will expect that if he starts treating you this way again, his bags will be waiting for him so he can repeat the drill all over again. He will be highly motivated to treat you with the care you deserve.

I encountered this methodology at marriagebuilders.com, which hosts a free forum of lay volunteers to help who have themselves recovered their marriages using these methods. This forum is supervised by trained moderators and and ultimately the author of the plan himself, Dr. Harley. This plan was created based on Dr. Harley's exhaustive studies of 10,000's of marriages on what actually worked to recover marriages.

In my entire lifetime, the **ONE** regret I have to this day is that I didn't understand to do something like this early in our marriage. I firmly believe it would have saved my marriage and spared 25 years of this cycle, the stress of which ultimately cost me my health.

This was probably extremely hard for you to read. What are your thoughts about my story and how you could avoid having it become your story?

Hugs,
E.

 

[Liz1019]

If you are a Christian then God has already forgive you, but that doesn't mean he's going to erase all the consequences of your choices.

God is not the genie from the Aladdin movies. You don't get to request magical wishes and sit there doing nothing while he snaps his fingers. God helps people who can't help themselves, not people who don't help themselves. Your and your husband aren't starving in a third world country with your children being kidnapped by sex traffickers, you're just two people making poor decisions in life. You can pray that God will help you find a good mentor, church, pastor, counselor, books, etc, to help you learn to be a better person who can be a better wife, and that the same can happen for your husband, but he's not going to just snap his fingers and turn you into the perfect couple.

Do you have a church you attend weekly? Do you have a car to drive to a church? Is there a church in walking distance if you don't have a car? If you go to church have you talked to your pastor? Praying but not taking advantage of any of the opportunities you have to help yourself reminds me of that old joke about the guy stuck on his roof during a flood.

Ha! I've heard that joke before never did I think it would be applied to me. But it makes sense all I've ever done is pray only God knows my problems never once have I spoken to anyone about my marriage and what I truly feel this is the first time. I felt ashamed because everyone thinks I live a happy marriage. I just want to know if what I am doing is right I will seek help. I've only been praying for him to help me become better wife and help my husband with is anger issue but I haven't actually done anything like take advantage of my opportunities in my church.

 

[Endeavourer]

He will be highly motivated to meet your conditions to get back into the house. This is FAR different than divorce - in fact it is the best way to avoid divorce. He will expect that if he starts treating you this way again, his bags will be waiting for him so he can repeat the drill all over again. He will be highly motivated to treat you with the care you deserve.

I should have said he will likely be highly motivated to meet your conditions and get back into the house.

If he is not eager to repair the relationship, then regardless of whether he has a verbal profession of faith, he is not behaving like a believer one bit, and therefore you can consider divorce. According to my convictions, there would be a process to follow before deeming him an unbeliever under 1 Cor 7, but it is not an impossible or onerous process.

I found church counseling to not always be helpful with this problem because pastors are educated theologians and did not have the expertise to provide this level of marital help. In fact, now that I'm actively reaching out to women in this situation, I've encountered many situations where pastoral "care" has led to some very poor outcomes which gravely injured the victim even further, such as sin leveling, etc. Some pastors are phenomenal, but I have not found it to be consistent.

 

[Liz1019]

OK. You have described the cycle of anger outbursting that is also typical in the Hispanic culture. Your health will not survive a marriage to this long term.

Liz, I just want to give you a hug right now, because I was you 30 years ago. I also married a Latino man and much of my story mirrors yours. In my case the "machismo" anger explosions continued on and on and on for 25 years.

As a born again Christian, I also had a **HIGH** view of marriage and divorce, and believed divorce was not an option to me unless I could catch him cheating, or if he left and filed for divorce.
Counselors didn't help. As soon as they started working on his anger explosions he wanted none of it because "he is who he is". When I met with them separately in despair, they told me there was no hope for my marriage under these conditions and that I should divorce him now instead of later.

After my health was about destroyed I encountered a methodology of saving marriages that I firmly believe could have saved my marriage if it had been deployed in the first several years of it.

The methodology raises the bar so when he treats you in an unacceptable way he encounters a boundary that is unpleasant and he doesn't want repeated. Not just any old boundary - a very serious one.

In a very brief summary, it teaches you to keep your side of the street clean in any fights (don't respond to anger with anger, keep your thoughts and wits strategic instead of emotional, etc etc). If after about several incidents he doesn't respond to your calm and loving demeanor in the argument (the method trains you how to ensure that during those several incidents you are not acting in a provocative way or responding with anger of your own), then you would put him out of the house. Change the locks, have his bags outside waiting for him and a letter telling him you love him very much and want to be married to him forever, but you cannot live under these conditions. In the letter, you outline your conditions for his return, which will include some type of anger management therapy, etc. A Motel 6 therapy of sorts.

He will be highly motivated to meet your conditions to get back into the house. This is FAR different than divorce - in fact it is the best way to avoid divorce. He will expect that if he starts treating you this way again, his bags will be waiting for him so he can repeat the drill all over again. He will be highly motivated to treat you with the care you deserve.

I encountered this methodology at marriagebuilders.com, which hosts a free forum of lay volunteers to help who have themselves recovered their marriages using these methods. This forum is supervised by trained moderators and and ultimately the author of the plan himself, Dr. Harley. This plan was created based on Dr. Harley's exhaustive studies of 10,000's of marriages on what actually worked to recover marriages.

In my entire lifetime, the **ONE** regret I have to this day is that I didn't understand to do something like this early in our marriage. I firmly believe it would have saved my marriage and spared 25 years of this cycle, the stress of which ultimately cost me my health.

This was probably extremely hard for you to read. What are your thoughts about my story and how you could avoid having it become your story?

Hugs,
E.

You made me tear up I wish I could give you a hug as well. I'm so sorry you went through this are you still married ?
I think the methodology method may work half way. I think I would help me learn how to respond or not respond at all with love not with anger or become to emotional however if it were ever to come to putting him out of the house knowing my husband in his anger and prideful moment he would leave and call it quits because he would feel I'm controlling him.