Need help after husband's infidelity

[SmootherinYourhand]

I'm so glad I've found this forum!!!

About 3 months ago I found out that my husband had an affair with his secretary. I was devistated!! The shock and pain is incredible!
My husband told me he wants to be with me for the rest of his life, and that the relationship is over. He asked for my forgiveness.
I've prayed so much and asked for God's help in dealing with all of this. I want to stay with my husband and rebuild our marriage.
The last 3 months that he had to continue working with her has been very hard for me.
How should I handle her being there working with him?
How should I handle going to a function where she will be?

Thanks

 

[nowhereville]

I'm sorry you find yourself in this position. It's a very difficult place to be - but with God all things are possible. I know that sounds like a nice little pat answer that makes you want to scream (I hate pat answers) but I know it's true from personal experience.

I sent you a private message.

You can expect a wide range of emotions - it takes about two years to rebuild your marriage - give or take based on your and your spouse's personalities. Some people may try to tell you that you own a part of the affair, but no that's a lie. Yow may own issues in the marriage prior to the affair and you may need to work on those, but you are not to blame for your spouse's affair (no matter what your spouse says either - it's textbook for them to say, If you had done this or that or hadn't done this or that I wouildn't have).

If you were that "powerful" to make them do things, you would have made them NOT cheat. Do not own what is not yours.

Be very careful where you seek su pport, once you let that cat out of the bag - you can't get it back in.

Keep reading about infidelity and posting.

 

[Autumnleaf]

Shouldn't he get a different secretary? It seems insensitive towards you for him to still be working with her.

 

[joyful11]

Oops

 

[joyful11]

My husband had an affair with a woman from work from Feb. until May and it never truly ended until he left his job. He tried to convince me at the time that he couldn't leave his job and that he could still work with her. Little did I know, they were still sleeping together. Not until God got through to his heart did he take drastic measures to end things completely. I've read many things that say that the only way it will work is if they never have contact again. It wasn't until my husband stepped out of the situation completely that the light started going on in his head. Sexual sin can destroy someone... their ability to think straight, rationalize, and so much more. I'm not saying your husband IS still sleeping with her, but the chance is so much greater if he's still in her presence. It wasn't until my husband was completely out of the situation and physically away from her that he started seeing that my feelings were deeply hurt and that he needed to do whatever it took to help me through the pain....including never seeing her again. God honored that. My husband was honest with his boss and the boss let him change buildings. I can't imagine being in your situation. I remember when my husband was in the midst of the affair, it was literally torture every day that he went to work. I wanted to die. I'm so sorry for what you are going through. PM me if you need to talk more or I'll keep checking in here too. Is your husband being considerate of your feelings? Are you having to do all the fighting for the marriage or is he taking that lead? It wasn't until my husband started fighting that I knew he was really changing.

 

[mommyphotographer]

i personally couldnt forget it and move on that easy and i could NEVER move on if he still sees her............ NEVER he quit his job if he loves you more then this job. if not then he can replace his wife easier then his job........ i feel so bad for you. my husband has dragged me thru the mud also. and i am sooooooooooooooo sick of it.

 

[nowhereville]

I forgot to mention, it is entirely realistic for you to put down boundaries in regard to what you need to heal - like he needs to get a new job or a new secretary. It's unrealistic of him to expect that you should just accept his choices AND move on. His choices are what got him there in the first place.

I would highly recommend marriage counseling as well.

 

[Easyk]

Well tell him she needs to go or the job..

 

[beautyforashes81]

Yeah, he should get a different secretary or find another job. It's not good they be there together...gotta cut off those ungodly soul-ties.

 

[Ari5]

I definately agree with the others, HE needs to find a new job!!! It will be hard enough for him to work there without knowing that temptation is hanging over him every day. The only way he can move on is to get her out of the picture so he can focus on his marriage. I would insist on it!!

A great book for him would be "Every Mans Battle", It really help you to focus on how a man can be deceived & how to keep a focus on his marriage.

I would also suggest counseling, it is easy to say they won't do it again, but it needs to be worked through deeper. Blesisngs,Ari

 

[Bethers]

I wouldn't be comfortable with my husband still working with the secretary. Life unfortunately takes money, but money isn't everything and eventually, other jobs will come. (hopefully sooner than later) I can't imagine having to deal with this situation, it must be incredibly tough. As far as I know, my husband has never actually, physically cheated on me. He did though, seriously contemplate it when he subscribed to affair websites. This combined with his porn addiction just tears my heart. Last time I caught my husband after he'd looked at porn, I took away his laptop. I got to the point where I felt that I couldn't enable him to do this to himself anymore. I know people have free-will and all...but I feel the line must be drawn somewhere.