Need feedback!

[ChildOfTheLight]

Poem 1:

Kind of ironic Everyone saying everyones fake
these woman look like cup cakes
caking on this make up like "what face"
kind of a disgrace
your covering up the very thing God created
are you ashamed?
go ahead and be your self do not conform
it's not about what you wear or your uniform
it's about how you behave and your beliefs
not what's in your dorm room and hidden beneath
You need not worry how you look
but be opened up and worry about whats on the inside
your God's text book
used for teaching and to get information from one soul to another
keeping what you know hidden is not what he had instore my brother
we as God's people, followers in Christ, are suppose to arise, to surprise,
better yet open the eyes, of non believers.
Give God more time than you do watching re runs of leave it to beaver

Poem 2:

All you christians are the same
um im not a christian although I represent his name.
For the name "Christian" means "Christ Like"
I am not. All white tux and I'm the red wine spot.
I am a stain, a sinner, no good, filthy, un worthy.
God stands before me like run to me hurry.
"Father forgive them for they know not what they do"
Christ died on the cross for me and you.
Some say its crazy to believe there is no proof.
I'd rather believe in something than nothing, I mean wouldn't you?

Poem 3:

Told the the lord go ahead and use me fill me up
I lived so long with half an empty cup
now my cup rutheth over
its been awhile but now I am sober
Gotta get your life right before its game over
but its game on its the new beginning
can only imagine life in heaven
truly amazing with no sinning
with the lord i am higher than charlie sheen winning
no bening I am one of God's people
used me to reach the lives of the wicked and evil
whether i am in the streets or in the steaple
I am reborn again so I guess I am my own sequal
Spiritual warrior fighting the spirits in warfare
Front lines with no scare come at me if you dare
Come strapped without a gat but a bible held in the air
with the word of god i tell ya man we are always down to ride
take a look on the inside where Christ resides
"how ty? how do I get god inside?" easy open up your hearts eyes
free your mind and you will find your Heavenly father will fill you up
and runneth over your empty cup.



THANKS FOR READING: currently working on a new song, but I just wrote this in a half hour after watching a Jeff Bethke production. I am inspired to create my own channel with poems. New things coming soon! just leave a comment with what you think can be changed\added. Thanks, God Bless!

 

[Bjornke]

I really like Poem 1.

Good use of words and rhythm. I could see that in a Christian Hip-Hop Song very easily. Give that poem a bit of a Tedashii Style (Tedashii is an artist) and it would make for some good lyrics.

Poem 2 has a great potential for... More Hip Hop! If expanded that is. Too short for a song, but as a poem itself is well thought out.

Though, your word style and usage, doesn't fit that of spoken work (Jefferson Bethke performs Spoken Word), it fits more with Hip-Hop than anything.

Poem 3 is the most likely to be seen in a Spoken Word performance.

 

[drjean]

Sent you VMs

 

[ChildOfTheLight]

I really like Poem 1.

Good use of words and rhythm. I could see that in a Christian Hip-Hop Song very easily. Give that poem a bit of a Tedashii Style (Tedashii is an artist) and it would make for some good lyrics.

Poem 2 has a great potential for... More Hip Hop! If expanded that is. Too short for a song, but as a poem itself is well thought out.

Though, your word style and usage, doesn't fit that of spoken work (Jefferson Bethke performs Spoken Word), it fits more with Hip-Hop than anything.

Poem 3 is the most likely to be seen in a Spoken Word performance.

Thank you and I have been thinking of doing something along the lines like what Jeff does. But for now I am sticking with the hip hop culture. Thanks for the feed back ya'll.

 

[ChildOfTheLight]

Sent you VMs

thanks for the feed back!

 

[LittleLambofJesus]

Poem 1:

Kind of ironic Everyone saying everyones fake
these woman look like cup cakes
caking on this make up like "what face"
kind of a disgrace
your covering up the very thing God created
are you ashamed?
go ahead and be your self do not conform
it's not about what you wear or your uniform
it's about how you behave and your beliefs
not what's in your dorm room and hidden beneath
You need not worry how you look
but be opened up and worry about whats on the inside
your God's text book
used for teaching and to get information from one soul to another
keeping what you know hidden is not what he had instore my brother
we as God's people, followers in Christ, are suppose to arise, to surprise,
better yet open the eyes, of non believers.
Give God more time than you do watching re runs of leave it to beaver

................*snip*

!

Are beavers "Kosher"........

 

[ChildOfTheLight]

lol

 

[suba]

Blessings,

I really appreciate poem two. I do not call myself a Christian for many reasons, but foremost among them, it's that i cannot claim to be Christ-like. I believe it is achievable, for Jesus himself tells us to be Perfect: he would not lie to us - so it must be possible. One day i pray to awaken the Christos within, until then, i just call myself a follower of Jesus. Thanks for sharing.

Blessings Be...